Martin told me he was gay and I nearly choked to death! My first reaction was to pull up the blankets and pray he did not come in bed with me. My thoughts were going crazy in my head and I was thinking what gay actually meant. I felt sick when I thought that it meant that Martin did not like girls. He liked boys and wanted to do... you know... do adult things with boys. This was just too much for my head. I could not sleep after he told me that.
He did ask me if I was ok after he told me that. I wanted to say it was like a huge bomb been cast down on us. I wanted to say I was confused. I wanted to say that I was afraid! I told him I was just tired and we should sleep. Shortly after I heard him snoring. I felt sick when I imagined that he dreaming that I was his boyfriend.
As soon as there was light, I stood up and quickly brushed my teeth and put some clothes on. Martin slowly woke up as I finished putting my clothes on. He asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I muttered that I had to go quickly as I remembered my mom wanted me home. Then I explained that we had to do something. This was, of course, a lie, as I just wanted to get out of his house as quick as possible.
Mom was surprised when she saw me home so early. She asked me how things went and I just answered fine. I told her that I needed to go to my room and rest, as we did not get a lot of sleep. I walked up to my room and laid on the bed. I sighed as I closed my eyes. I was safe now. I did not feel that my best friend would suddenly try to kiss me.
Why did he have to be gay? Why couldn't he be like everyone else and like girls! I could not stop thinking of him wanting me to be as a boyfriend. This thought scared me as I could not even start to think about what we could do. Could one of us become pregnant?
This messed everything up. My best friend was gay and I did not know if he expected me to be gay. Not only this but what would the other boys in the class think? They knew we were good friends. When they found out that Martin was gay, then they would think that we are more than best friends. They would think that I was romantic with him like we kiss and all that! My reputation would be ruined! Martin would be teased and possibly bullied, and so would I. I did not want people to think I was weird and I had the same thoughts as Martin.
It did explain why he did not like sports and just wanted to stand and gossip all the time. I suppose it also explained his long hair and the perfect way he wrote. I felt so stupid that I did not see the signs that he was gay. I was in a life crisis.
So the next school day came, and I came at the latest minute. Martin was sitting at the desk already. My heart was beating hard as now I had to make a decision. I sat down next to John and told him I would like to sit there in the future. The teacher noticed and I explained that I could better see the blackboard. John was happy that I sat next to him and when we could get a chance, we talked about what we would do that day.
This meant that I ignored Martin all day. He followed me out at lunchtime and asked if we should talk. I ignored him and played sport with the other boys. Once in a while, I could see Martin standing there just looking as he was lost in the middle of a strange crowd. I didn't have time to feel sorry for him, as you know the pace of sport can be quite quick. For a while, I forgot all about Martin and just enjoyed being free and doing the things that a boy should do.
After school, he tried following me home again. However I was walking with John and we were speaking together, so Martin could not get a word in. John waited at the shop for a bit and then left. I looked at Martin and told him that he had to go, as I was busy!
Doing homework was not the same. Martin always helped me with the hard bits and this was quite a lot. Now I had to let my brain do all the work, which caused a lot of frustration and pulling of hair. I do admit that I missed Martin, but I have made up my mind. I had to think if we could be best friends when he was gay. I had to think if I wanted to take a chance and be teased because everyone thought we were boyfriends. Most importantly, I had to think if Martin being gay made him a bad person, and one that wanted to corrupt me.
What would the priest say?
I decided that I needed to speak with someone, This would have to be my mom.
I took a deep breath when we were alone and asked if being gay was wrong?
" Well, gay... er being gay... you see," mom stammered and it was like she could not think of an answer, " Being gay is not good. I mean it it is not natural. It is against nature. It is also against what God wants from us!"
" So how does a person get gay?"
" Some consider it sickness and some consider it a perversion. Others think that it is something you are born with. Personally, I think it is things that influence a person."
" So it's not their fault they are gay?"
" Like everything in life, we have a choice. Even if a person has gay tendencies, they still have a choice if they want to carry this out in reality."
" But are they bad people?"
" I believe that everyone has some good in them. It's hard to say if they are bad. If they are being gay with others, then they are sinning as it is against what the Church says. They need to pray for strength to see their wicked actions and courage not to choose this way of life."
Adults could be so confusing when they gave answers. Why could the answers not be a simple yes or no? Why did parents have to philosophize so much and have huge explanations? I mean Martin being gay is either bad or good. I asked did it mean that he was a bad person, this means that he is either good or bad. Yes or no!
I didn't understand much from moms answers, but I did understand that being gay was a sinner. I felt mean that I have ignored Martin since he told me he was gay: He decided that he was gay, so this meant we could not be friends, as I did not want to be corrupted. We could not be friends when he wanted to sin and be wicked!
That night, I heard mom say that I was now old enough that I was asking delicate questions. She told Dad that I asked questions about being gay, and was worried about me. It ended where mom asked dad if I should see a shrink.
Damn Martin! He started all this confusion! Now, mom thought I was gay!
I ignored Martin the next few days and it was like the old days before Martin came to the school. I will admit, the longer that went with me ignoring Martin, the less I thought that I was being mean. Having fun with the others helped this and so did my reasoning that he choose this himself. The important thing for me was that I was now happy being around friends and I knew that they would not corrupt me.
It was only when I saw Martin standing alone or sitting alone in the classroom that I thought about him. I had to remind myself that it was him that chose the life of being gay and I had to protect my morals!
A week went and just as I thought life was calming down and I could enjoy it, Mom came to my room and said that there was someone that wanted to speak to me in the shop. I thought it was John, but my smile disappeared when I saw it was Martin. He stood and looked down at the floor as I looked at him. How could he do this? I made up my mind that we were no longer friends? How could he not understand this?
" D-Do you want to do something?" he asked
" No, I am busy doing homework"
" Maybe tomorrow"
" I doubt it. I must go now as homework is waiting"
" I-I can help you!"
I walked away as I heard him ask was it because of the secret he told me. How did he not know it was?
That night I was on Skype talking with some friends across the world. Suddenly Martin wrote to me:
19:24 (Martin): Why do you no longer like me?
19:27 (Martin): I thought we were best friends forever!
19:32 (Martin): I miss you
19:39 (Martin): Why don't you answer me?
19:43 (Martin): You told me your secret and I did not start hating you!
19:43 (Me): Don't you dare tell anyone that I wet the bed!
19:44 (Martin): Best friends do not tell secrets.
19:51 (Martin): We should hang around tomorrow
The next day, I was at the park sitting down by the waterfall thinking about life and how hard it was at times. I blocked Martin on skype after that discussion and hoped that he finally got the message. The thing was that I did miss him! I got used to having a best friend and now that was ruined. I knew that he was now lonely and felt hurt that we were no longer friends. This was not my fault! Life had to continue, and I considered myself lucky that I could be with others and have fun. Despite that we were no longer friends, I decided that I would pray for him at Church.
Dad found me at the park and said we should walk home. As we walked he asked if I was troubled and if I needed to talk. I smiled at him and said that everything was ok. I was happy that Dad was always there for me and worried about me. It reminded me of Martin's dad, that just left him. This is what Martin needed now. He needed a dad.
Funny enough, when I thought of Martin, dad and I saw him go in the community hall. He was wearing a leotard and tights! I would not be seen dead wearing those girlish clothes. The big question was why he was going to the community center? Everyone knew that there was only a dance class that day. Dad and I looked at the notice, which said it was a ballet class.
Not only being gay, now Martin was doing ballet.
This made Dad tell me he was worried about my friendship with Martin. Dad said the boy obviously has problems. He was obviously a sissy. Dad then told me he was sometimes afraid that Martin was my friend. He explained that Martin was so feminine and obviously confused with his identity. He did not want Martin to influence me so that one day I would be asking for a dress or a leotard.
This made me laugh at the thought of wearing a dress. However, it did assure me that my decision not to be a friend with Martin was right.
This did stop Martin from trying to speak with me in the next few days, which was getting more and more annoying. Could he not understand? Why did he not get the message?
It was a month after Martin told me that he was gay. I came into class and sat down next to John, We were joking when Martin came up to me and asked me why I ignored him?
I shouted at him so the whole class could hear, "You are a sissy! You do Ballet! You told me that you were gay! I do not want to be friends with a gay boy or a sissy. LEAVE ME ALONE."
ns 15.158.61.8da2
