I spoke too quickly! I spoke without thinking! I shouted so the whole class could hear that Martin told me that he was gay! Martins's reaction was that he slumped in his desk and he did not even try saying that he was not. The whole class was silent and then everyone started laughing and pointing at Martin. He made no attempt to defend himself. He just looked at me with teary eyes and he looked so hurt. I turned around and opened my books and tried to concentrate as the teacher came in and told everyone to calm down.
When I was home, I was on my bed looking at the ceiling. Part of me felt sorry for telling everyone that Martin was gay. He told me when we were friends and as he said, friends do not tell secrets! He never told anyone that I wet the bed. He kept to his part of the deal. So, what did this make me? Was I evil because I let the whole world know? Would he now tell everyone that I wet the bed? He had every right to do that. I knew that it was not right to tell everyone about him. On the other hand, it was his fault! He could not accept that I did not want to be friends with him. He kept on bugging me and kept on pushing me to the limit.
Maybe now he would stop asking me to be a friend. Maybe he would not be teased. It was the weekend, so people would forget it by Monday.
Maybe...
I saw Martin in Church and could hardly concentrate on my prayers. He needed to pray as much as possible, as he had perverted thoughts. His mind was corrupt as he wanted to do things that were just so wrong. Martin needed salvation!
I looked at the priest as he was talking about forgiveness. He told a story about a woman that was going to be stoned, and Jesus said that if anyone was free of sin, they could cast a stone. Slowly they all thought of their sins and one by one they dropped their stones and walked away. Jesus told the woman to go in peace as she is forgiven.
That night I had a bad dream. I was in Church and Martin was standing up by the priest. He was bleeding to death and I was throwing stones at him. He was afterward gay and this made him a bad sinner! Martin was telling me he only ever wanted me to be his friend. He screamed as I threw the stones that he wanted me to support him. As he fell to the floor, he whispered that he was so lonely since we were no longer friends. The priest said that I did not kill him with the stones. I killed him by being mean to him.
Monday came and as soon as Martin came into the classroom, he was teased. It is amazing how many words there are to call someone who thinks they are gay. The teasing went on and on, and Martin offered no defense. He just sat down at his desk and looked down at his books. I was amazed at how mean the class could be towards Martin. Some of the words must have really hurt him. I did not call him any names, but when someone looked at me, to see my reaction of their latest insult, I smiled at them. In a way, I did not want them to see I felt sorry for Martin. This meant that Martin was total shunned and humiliated at school.
I tried convincing myself, that Martin chose to be gay. He was now getting society's reaction. He has to live with that! The problem was that I still had nightmares about throwing stones at Martin, where he would slowly die. I would wake up sweating and shouting Martins's name.
Mom was sitting by my bedside one night when I woke up and said we need to talk. She noticed that I had nightmares and had a suspicion that it had something to Martin because I always ended with shouting his name. She was, of course, worried about me, so I had to tell her the whole story. I could see mom's face get white as I continued.
" What about you," she asked, " Do you think you are gay?"
" No!"
"Then I think you need to ask yourself why you think of Martin so much? You do not want to be his friend because you are afraid of your reputation. The question is are you not more of a bully now? Is this why you are having these nightmares?"
The next day, I went for a walk and was thinking about what mom told me. The truth is that I did miss Martin as a friend, but I decided long ago that this was not possible. I did not think that I was a bully. I just did not want him to be bugging me and bothering me. Why could we not just accept that we could not be friends?
It was mean that the others teased him, but he made the choice that he was gay. I know it didn't help that it was me that told everyone, but they would have found out in time. The thing was that I thought being gay was bad and a sin, but I would not call Martin names. The more I thought of it, the more I thought that it made his life hard. He lost his best friend and was teased at school!
I was walking by Martins's house when I saw him in the window. I just stood outside his house and looked in. I wanted to go to the door and tell him how I felt. I wanted him to know that we could not be best friends, but I did miss him and wished that he would find happiness. My heart skipped a beat when he stood at the window and looked out. Martin stood there for a few minutes and just looked at me. He was not smiling. He looked so sad. Still, my legs would not move. In the end, it was too late, because he closed the curtain.
This was unexpected as I did not imagine that he would not want to speak with me. It led me to think that he understood the message that I no longer wanted to be a friend. It could also be that he was mad at me. After all, I did not support him as a friend when he most needed it. Not only this, but I told everyone that he was gay!
I missed him and missed Martins's friendship. However, when he closed the curtain, it was a clear message that he was mad at me. Then I thought that he knew the greatest secret that I wet the bed. He could stop the teasing a bit by telling everyone my secret. This did not make him evil if he did, as I told everyone about him, and I would have told everyone if I was him.
This thought scared me. I do not know if wetting the bed was as bad as being gay. I just knew that I did not want anyone knowing.
So the next day, I caught up to Martin as he was walking home from school.
" I just want to say that I am sorry I told everyone that you are gay," I said,
"It's not that which hurts me!"
" What is so?"
" We were best friends, and because I told you a secret, you are now afraid to be friends with me. This hurts a lot."
" Well it is a sin to be gay and I don't want people to think we are boyfriends!"
" Do not flatter yourself so much!. I do not fancy you. I wanted you to be my best friend and not my boyfriend!"
" Whatever, what I want to say to you is not to tell anyone about my secret..."
" Oh, you mean that you wet the bed... like a little baby! Maybe I should have stopped being your friend when you told me about this. After all who wants to be a friend with a baby? I have every right to tell everyone and if I did this, what would your life be like?"
" If you tell anyone, then I beat you up and you will regret it for the rest of your life!"
I didn't feel good that I warned him. I felt like a bully.
That weekend, Dad said it was about time I started with the hobby he loved. He loved hunting. It was a family tradition that all men hunted. So it was just natural when it was my time to learn how to hunt. Dad even bought me a small rifle. So we went out and walked through one field after another field. It was nice being in nature, although it was cold.
Then we saw a pheasant. My Dad told me to aim and shoot, and it should be easy to hit. Usually, they fly and you had to shoot them then. However, When I saw the helpless bird there, I suddenly felt sorry for the bird. Why should I take its life just for the sake of fun? Did the bird have children? I aimed the rifle and my hands were shaking. Dad told me to get my act together and shoot the bird. I put down my rifle showing that I would not shoot the bird.
Dad said there is always the next time. I glared at him and said I did not want to hunt. This made dad mad, and shouted what sort of son does he have? So on my way home, Dad was calling me a wimp and sissy. He mentioned that every boy in the family learned how to hunt, and I was the first one to say I wanted to break a family tradition.
It was strange hearing Dad call me the same names that people were calling Martin. I figured that I did not really understand until now what Martin had felt. The problem was everyone called him names, and only my dad called me names. Now my Dad thought that I was a sissy!
That night, I had another dream about Martin, This was a dream where we best friends again. We didn't talk about each other's secrets, we talked about things we liked. He told me I was no sissy, and I saved a bird's life. He even taught me ballet!
The next day, I was thinking about that dream and thought it was actually fun dancing in the dream, Maybe if I understood Martin better, we could be friends. So I decided that I would do an experiment. I went to my sister's room and found one of her tutus and put it on. Then I started prancing around in my bedroom like some ballet would do. It was actually quite fun. It was nothing that I would do and be seen with others, but I understood why Martin liked dancing. It made him feel free and he was at a place where he could be himself.
Mom came in and saw me with the tutu on and just sighed. She said Martins's mother was there and she wanted to speak to me. So I quickly took off the tutu and went down to speak with his mother.
" I know that you and Martin had some disagreement," She started, " I just think that you two should make up as friends or agree to be nice to each other."
" I miss him as a friend, but it is impossible. We do not like the same things and we do not agree on things." I explained. I did not want want to tell her about Martin being gay. I made that mistake before and told everyone. Martins mother looked at me and said that we must have similarities because we miss each other. She also told me that she knew about his sexuality. She told me this did not change his personality.
I did miss him! But did no one realize what it would do for my reputation and did his mother just accept he was gay and that could corrupt me?
The next day, Martin was waiting outside my parent's shop. He was smiling as if nothing ever happened, and this was despite it was a bad day at school. The teachers were mad and even gave extra homework. I was told to stand in the corner because the teacher caught me speaking with John. I even had a note for my parents to sign because of "my attitude". How could Martin be smiling?
" Mom told me to visit you after school," he said, "She thought we could be friends again!"
I lost my temper. I shouted at him when would he understand that we were no longer best friends? I told him that I could not be a friend with a gay boy and that's just the way it was. I could see his eyes tear up, but I was gone beyond the stage of feeling sorry for him, I pushed Martin while yelling at him to leave me alone!
We were standing on the sidewalk, so Martin stumbled out in the middle of the street. Then it was like everything went in fast motion. I could see a car and then it hit Martin, throwing him over the car. I ran towards Martin, that was laying in the street and he was not getting up.
I knelt beside his body as a woman tried to wake him up. She shouted that he was not breathing and someone should call an ambulance!
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