Animal House.
Shimar rose his tentacle and suction cup and waved at his friend, “Hey, DarDar!”
“Shimar!” DarDar stopped his slushed scutter across the dining hall and waved his long tentacles back. “I haven’t seen you in an infinite set of time lines, but now we are here together. How miraculous!”
“We are here, DarDar. Sit with me, enjoy a meal. How have your serotonin levels been?”
“Steady for weeks now.”
“Oh, how good to hear. How has your mother’s timeline been? She still spending life with the hominoids before the cultivation?”
“She has a large heart for animals. Have you been?”
“I have been avoiding it. I’m afraid that seeing them roll in mud and muck will ruin my meals for generations. But, I have heard great things about their discoveries.”
“Oh really? Can you explain?”
“indubitably my friend. While I was a simple celled creature, thousands of years ago, I remember reading about the human’s discoveries. They apparently invented the wheel.”
“How interesting, the wheel, really? I could have sworn that was primitive apes.”
“Same creature, DarDar.”
“Look at me,” DarDar slid his tentacles across his slimy body, “forgetting my interspecies studies.”
“No worries, It has been some time since either of us have been synced up with central information. There are many many things that I too have forgotten.”
“You are a true friend, Shimar. What shall we be consuming this fine hour?”
“I was thinking about having a bowl of Slag-paste, but all this talk about humans has got me craving a cage of ribs.”
“It’s as if you’re a TappaTrappa and you read my thoughts, Shimar.”
Shimar waved down the nearest waiter and ordered himself and his friend a cage of ribs.
“How would you like your ribs, Sir,” The waiter asked.
“I’m feeling dark meat tonight. What are you feeling, DarDar?”
“My feelings would agree with yours, Shimar.”
“It’s settled then! We’ll have a cage of Ethiopian ribs.”
The waiter’s suction cupped tentacle sucked away at an electronic interface, “excellent choice, Sir. Now what about the sides?”
Shimar pondered for a moment. He stroked his speaking hole slow and methodic with one of his walking tentacles, “Good question.”
“I have been asked this question an infinite amount of times, Shimar. And I’m still stumped.”
“I agree, DarDar. What are our options?”
“Well, sir. We have Ladygrass soup, with sliced human liver…”
“Is that aged human liver,” Shimar asked.
“It’s actually fresh human liver, sir. We derive all of our human products from our local slaughter house.”
“Slaughterhouse,” asked DarDar. “Where does the slaughter house get their humans?”
“I think they raise them, sir.”
“How interesting, Shimar. I had no Idea that we had a house for humans in our lovely time.”
“Neither did I.”
“We should visit. I have never seen a human… In person!” The two had a good laugh.
“Good joke, my friend. Now let’s eat. We can visit after we enjoy ourselves.”
“Surely we can.”
The cage of ribs came out sizzled in a brown BBQ sauce made with and ancient human recipe. Shimar and DarDar thought it was delicious. A great mixture of sweet and tang, an excellent pair with the ribs, which practically fell from the bone and down their beaks.
“The difference in the meat’s tender, wouldn’t you say DarDar?”
“Yes, I would have to agree. I had no idea meat sourced directly from a slaughterhouse would be so nicely delectable.”
“We must visit this place.”
“We must.”
Shimar and DarDar wrapped their tentacles in a tight bind. Their suction cups latched themselves and the world began to tremble and spin. And just like that, just like a blink or a night slept, things went black and Shimar and DarDar no longer existed until they once again became a creature held in time and space. Other creatures held in time and space were at the slaughterhouse as well. Some of them had no eyes to see the animals held in tiny eco chambers, just a sense or a feeling for what was happening. These creatures tended to weep often. Some of the creatures were just eyes. They saw the animals in their cages, naked and bored.
DarDar walked to the human chamber and put his suction cups on the glass. They seemed surprised. Most of them huddled in the corner, naked and social. “How… cute.”
“Uhm, yea. I had no idea their genitals where on the outside.”
“Indeed. I had no idea as well.”
“So, DarDar. What part of the slaughterhouse is this?”
“I believe we’re in the breeding section of the slaughterhouse.”
“That explains the nudity.”
DarDar unsucked his cup from the smudge covered glass and skitter scattered his way to second section of the slaughter house. Shimar took the elevator.
“Oh dear, DarDar.”
“Oh dear, Shimar.”
“This. This is kind of gross, no?”
“This is surely disgusting, Shimar.”
The two looked upon the slaughterhouse’s secondary form of income: Human milk. There were thirty-seven machines which glimmered under big fancy lights that immitted vitamin D. The machines pistoned like a running engine and smoked like a train stock. Inside, 74 human women were strapped and kept pregnant. Human women produce the best milk, high in all the vitamins, when they were pregnant.
“I had never thought of human milk being made in this fashion. Did you DarDar?”
“Not at all, Shimar. The Mindercials always show happy human women.”
“Happy humans make happy milk, right?”
“Yes, that one.”
“Let’s visit the last floor, shall we?”
“Yes. This place is giving me the waves.”
The great friends took the elevator and visited the slaughterhouse’s last, and most popular, floor: The slaughterhouse.
The room was cold. Shimar’s breath was frost in the air, “This isn’t that bad. Right, DarDar?” In the room where many many creatures from all different points in time. All of them had butcher knives and chief’s knives and chef hats. Humans of all hair colors were hooked upside down and cut from anus to chin. Their red flesh leaked a liquid that once was pumped by an organ called the heart.
“I wouldn’t think so. You always see people hanging like this in movies.”
“Didn’t people used to punch them to practice an ancient martial art called Boxing?”
“I don’t think so, Shimar.”
“Oh, DarDar. It looks like they are about to butcher an alive one.”
“I wonder how they kill them?”
Shimar beckoned one of the hard-working creatures over, “Hello sir. My name is Shimar. I’m from the third section of time, before the sun became red, but just after that massive flesh-eating virus outbreak.”
“Oh, hello. My name is GlagGlag. I’m the lead butcher here.”
“How delightful,” DarDar said. “You would be the perfect person to ask our question!”
“What’s your question,” GlagGlag asked.
“Well,” DarDar started, “we noticed that you have a live human over there.”
“Yes, we do.”
“Well, we were just wondering how you went about killing the humans?”
“Get away from me,” the human struggled, “don’t touch me, get off.”
“Sure. We get that question all the time. Mostly by children though.”
“How exciting,” said Shimar.
“AAAAHHHH! Please, I have a family,” the human called out.
“First,” GlagGlag used one of his spider like legs to point to the naked human. The human’s penis was shriveled, and all his hair had been removed, “you see we remove all the hair from the animal.”
“No one wants hair in their food,” said DarDar.
“How do you do that,” asked Shimar.
“Please. Who are you,” the human cried.
“We spray them with a chemical that causes their hair follicles to relax. It’s really cool, a lot better than having to de-hair them by hand.”
“The wonders of science! Wouldn’t you say, DarDar.”
“Surely would, Shimar. Makes each meal more morally sound.”
GlagGlag pointed back to the human. The other butchers, the ones with the chef hats and knives, had strapped the human on a table, butt cheeks up. “We then strap the animal down. They like to kick which can be dangerous for our less solid employees.”
“How thought full,” said Shimar.
“How incredibly inclusive,” DarDar said. “Glad to see your facilities are open and safe for all creatures of time and space.”
The human screamed and thrashed in his bindings, “Oh God! Where am I. Please, I have money, I can get you whatever you want.”
Shimar watched the human thrash thrash and asked GlagGlag a good question. “You wouldn’t know what the human is saying, would you GlagGlag?”
“Not a bit. Humans don’t talk like you and I. Mostly just noises and grunts, nothing intelligible.”
“How interesting,” said Shimar.
“All those years of evolution, you would think they would have figured that out. Wouldn’t you say, Shimar?”
“I would, I would.”
“Watch,” said GlagGlag, “this is how we kill the animals.”
The human didn’t stop his thrashing. One of the butchers, one with ten tentacles and an eye, grabbed the back of the human’s neck. He took his knife and slid it across the human’s throat and a lot of that same red liquid came out. The human’s struggle slowed after that and he passed. He was than cut from anus to chin and left to leak with the other humans on their own hooks.
“Wow,” Said Shimar.
“We found that slicing the vein humans have in their feeding and breathing tube was the most effective way to end their lives, quick and painlessly,” said GlagGlag.
“How interesting,” said DarDar.
“Are you sure it can’t feel that? It’s seems to be kicking a bit,” said Shimar.
GlagGlag reached beneath his exoskeleton and grabbed ahold of a piece of his neck meat. “it feels like a pinch, nothing else. The kicking you see over here is just a natural response humans have when they die.”
“Isn’t that interesting, DarDar.”
“It surely is interesting, Shimar.”
“Who knew there was so much to humans and how we get their meat.”
“So interesting, Shimar.”
“So interesting.”
ns 15.158.61.54da2
