Chloe was pregnant. It was so hard for me to understand that I would be a father. I knew that I was very young to still be a Dad. I wanted to be the best Dad ever. I did not want my child to have the same type of Dad that I had. It would not be hard to be worse than he was. Still, I did get some anxiety thinking about how this would change my life. I could no longer be the selfish diva that was only worried about what people would think about me.
Every married couple has its own song. We decided that our song would be "Nothing compares to you" by Sinéad O'Connor. We thought it was a brilliant song that could make a person cry. It was not until I listened to the words of it that I realized that it was a song about a breakup in a relationship. Chloe and I were probably the only married couple that had their love song as one about the end of a relationship. I hated the idea of divorce. I made a promise to be Chloe's husband for eternity, despite the text of our special song.
I was busy working on the album. It was fun and I did not realize how much I missed it. Keeping it a secret was hard and there was so much to do. I decided that Nick should know. He was a bit surprised that I wanted to keep it a secret. He also understood that I wanted to make sure that it was good enough to be released. It was only when I knew that I would be proud of the music that I asked Nick if he would be my personal assistant. This offer overjoyed Nick. He thought it was very wise, as he said that besides Chloe, he knew me the best and knew what help I needed.
Besides working on the music, I knew that I had to get active in the media circus. So I appeared on a good morning show for national TV. The hosts were very busy asking about my marriage. They tried to imply that it was a PR stunt to stop the rumours about me being gay. They also talked about what gender I thought I was and how did Chloe accept that I could be a crossdresser and feminine. These questions hurt so much. I felt as if they were trying to humiliate me. The worse thing is when they asked what our child would say about his father being transgender. I explained that I was transgender when I was young, and then dad forced me to be the boy he thought God wanted me to be. Now I considered myself androgynous. I was gender-fluid. Did this mean I was a bad person or an evil influence on others? I still had a good heart. Then I told them that I hoped that people would judge me by my music, and a new album was being released soon. I did not mean to say this, but it did shut them up.
When I came home, Chloe was upset. She wanted to know why I did not tell her that I was working on music again. Chloe said she thought that I would take care of the baby while she pursued her career. This made me open my big mouth and tell her that I thought it was the woman's job to stay home and take care of the children. This upset Chloe a lot and asked me did I expect her to give up her career after she finally have become a success. Did I expect to repair my career that was in the gutters? She reminded me that my last album was 6 years ago and that everyone thought that I was weird. She continued throwing insults at me. When she asked me who wore the dress in our family, I walked out and slammed the door.
I went to visit Daniel. He could see that I was sad. I told him about the argument. Daniel laughed and said I was very brave for telling a woman that her place is in the kitchen. This did not seem so funny at the time. I told Daniel that maybe she knew that I was together with Nick. This meant that I of course had to tell the story of when Nick and I were intimate with each other. This was hard to admit as I did not want Daniel to think that I was gay. Daniel did not judge me. His only comment was that it was my guilt that was nagging me and that maybe I should tell Chloe.
Chloe and I did not have a chance to make peace. She was busy planning what she would now do in her career and the movie I did was released. It got mixed reviews. Some thought I was a bad actor. Most of the reviews were that it was me telling people that I was transgender and the message of the film was dangerous, as it was telling people (especially young people) that it was OK to be gay and not want to be the same sex as God created you. The media also noticed that Chloe was not at the premiere. We were still mad at each other. Despite all the negativity, the film did well. It was by no means a blockbuster, but it was not considered a flop.
Dad took this opportunity to get the revenge that he promised. He told the press that he was ashamed of me. Dad said that I have always been a strange child. "Dakota had always been confused about social norms," he said, "He thought he was a girl one day and a boy the next day. My son tries to use his influence on telling people it is ok for a man to wear a dress or to be gay. I don't know about you, but are we not getting tired of him pushing his LGBT agenda on us? The thing is that Dakota is talented but has lost the respect his fans had for him. We all know that his marriage is a PR stunt and that he is as gay as could be. What did I do wrong as a father that I am so ashamed of my son?"
Dad's comments hurt me. I should not have expected him to say anything good, but having a parent that was ashamed of you was hard. I was ready to make a comeback and wanted people to like me for my music and talent. The only thing that they talked about was my sexuality and how I identified myself. It was a sin for them if I did not dress in a very masculine way. I visited moms grave. I wished that she was here and could give me advice. Was it wise that I even tried to have a comeback?
I tried to apologize to Chloe and tell her that I was an idiot. There could be a place for her career and my career. When our baby was born, we could work as a team. Chloe was moody. She did not like being pregnant. At times, I did not think she even wanted a child. It was as if a child was an obstacle to her dreams and plans. At one stage she asked me how would we be parents. Were we good role models? Were we too egotist? What would we do if our child was as confused about his or her identity as I was?
I had to speak with someone so I visited Daniel. He had problems of his own. He did not have a job. When I told him about my problems with Chloe, Daniel explained not to take them too seriously. Pregnant women were very emotional. Daniel managed to calm my fears and give me hope. I leaned forward and gave him a kiss. It was a kiss on the lips. This shocked Daniel and he asked what the hell I was doing. Daniel was not gay. He told me that it would be best if I left.
This should have been an exciting time in my life. I felt as if the world was against me and there was no hope. Chloe was being strange and I made a mistake with Daniel. Chloe's mom said she also wanted to speak with me. Her talk was not as bad as I feared. She told me to be brave about the comeback attempt and not doubt my talent. People will constantly talk about how I dressed and would think I was transgender. Chloe's mom thought I should be how I wanted to be and not worry about what society thought. "Other pop stars wear colourful clothes, long hair and make-up. Look at Boy George and David Bowie. See how Elton John dresses. You are gender fluid and can be masculine or feminine. Who cares? This is what makes you so special. Do not let other people judge you!"
I was happy that Chloe's mom tried to help me. The album came out. It was called "Teardrops in Springtime" and had a picture of me in a white jumpsuit on the cover. The reviews were very good. Some called it some of the best songs I have ever done. Some said that it showed that I was now grown up and this could be seen in my music. The album and the lead single went in the top 5. I was a bit disappointed that it did not go all the way to the top, but at least it did not flop. It meant that I was still relevant in the music industry.
The record company did their best to create a comeback mania. This meant that I had to do a lot of interviews and talk shows. I had my demands when I did these. This meant I did not want to talk about how I was treated as a girl when I was a child. I did not want to discuss my Dad. If I was to talk about my identity, I would explain that I was androgynous. I was genderfluid. This did not make me a bad person. It was my goal that these interviews were about the music. I praised Cameron and said that without him, there could be no music. I also praised Chloe for being the best wife and how excited I was that I would soon be a Dad, One thing that I constantly said was that Chloe was very talented and I was her biggest fan.
Chloe liked that I said nice things about her in public. I told her that I was not a good person and I did not deserve her. This gave me an opportunity to tell her that Nick was the first person that I was intimate with. I did not tell her it was just a few weeks before we got married. She did not need to know everything. Chloe went pale when I told her and was quiet. Then she said that she always suspected that I was bisexual. She was just worried that she could not please me and that I would always want something else. I hugged my wife and told her that I made a vow that she was the only one in my life. I did not need to be unfaithful. This was of course a lie. After all, I kissed and flirted with Daniel.
The day came when Chloe gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy boy. We named him Sebastian. This was the happiest time of my life. I was now a father and spent a lot of time with Sebastian. He was a miracle and the idea that he was my son showed me how blessed I was. I know had a movie that did well. The album did well and had some hit singles. The success of my career was nothing compared to the pride that I had with Sebastian. My son and my wife were the most important part of my life. My career could go to the dumps and the whole world could hate me. This did not matter once that I had a family.
Daniel visited me one day while Chloe was at the studio. I apologized for the kiss and he accepted my apology. After we talked a lot about Sebastian, he told me about his life. Daniel still could not find any work and he owed a lot of money. Without thinking, I offered him some money. I did this as a friend and not thinking it would look like I was boasting. Daniel got mad when I offered him money. He told me that he had pride and did not need my sympathy or charity. He stormed out of the house. This made me think of what I did wrong. I was just trying to help.
More bad news came, as my lawyer told me that Dad was going to sue me. He thought that I broke the contract that we had once when he was my manager. He also thought that I owed him money from the time that I sold the mansion. The lawyer suggested that we settled out of court. I refused to do this. If Dad wanted my money, he would have to work for it.
The record company also wanted me to go on a world tour to support "Teardrops in Springtime". I did not want to do this. Chloe was working on new music and I was happy being at home with Sebastian. However, under pressure, I agreed to do the world tour. It was part of what was expected of me. The solution was that we hired Daniel as a nanny for Sebastian. He would not accept charity but he was happy that he could work for money. This gave me a chance to preparing the new world tour.
Chloe and I were always hounded by the paparazzi. While we did not always like these vouchers, we knew it was part of life as a celebrity. What worried us was that we now had a son. We wanted some privacy and to feel as if we were safe. We decided to move and buy our own piece of paradise. Michael Jackson had neverland and Elvis had Graceland. We bought a small manor house that had its own farm. A Duke once owned it. The house was called "Kilmacoon Manor". The locals did not like the idea that some celebrities would own a piece of their history. We were happy as could be.
After we moved to Kilmacoom, Nick visited me. He wanted a private talk. The fact was that he missed the sex we had and wanted to know if we could be secret lovers. Nick told me that he loved me!
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