The press was having a field day. Ronny sure did get his revenge by giving the press pictures of me in dresses and other feminine attire. It seemed as if every day that went by, new pictures of me were in the media. This most likely made people think that I was a crossdresser at home. I was now labelled as a sissy. I started to hate that word. When I heard people call me that or read it in the newspapers, it made it sound as if I had some sickness. Being called a sissy made me sound like I was weird or some misfit.
This was not a good time for me. Not only was I in the middle of a shit storm in the media being labelled as a sissy, but I also was not satisfied with the new record. Dad wanted to decide everything on "Society Radio,". The problem was that he was drunk all the time. Cameron was not allowed to write songs for it, and the album had some angry songs that had me sing like a metal rock singer. It just did not sound like me. It was not mainstream. I should have guessed this when Dad started changing the songs and telling songwriters and producers how to do their job. It was a record that I did not want to listen to, so why would my fans listen to it?
The record company had a meeting with us as they wanted to scrap the album or at least delay it until the media calmed down with labelling me as a sissy. Dad would not listen to the record company. He thought that the record company had a new sound that would sell more than Michael Jackson. Dad also thought that the media calling me a sissy was good. Even bad news can be good publicity. The record would be released. I was still not old enough to decide and Dad was still my manager.
The media storm did not stop! The media was now calling me a liar. They reminded everyone when I told the media that I was not gay. They thought that being feminine was a sign that I was gay. They reminded everyone that I denied being gay or a sissy. This made me a liar in their eyes. I remember once watching fans being interviewed. They seemed so mad and frustrated. One teenage girl even said that she was my biggest fan. She had all my music and merchandise. She now thought I was fake and dishonest. She threw everything out in the rubbish bin that reminded her of me.
Dad did not improve my mood. He did tell the record company that he did not care about all the sissy talk. This is not what he said to me when we were alone. He told me that he was embarrassed to have me as a son. He asked me how I would feel if I had a son that was a crossdresser and even a teen diaper lover. I tried telling him that I no longer needed diapers and did not use them. What else could I answer? I knew what Dad meant. I was just as embarrassed and ashamed as he was. I agreed with that girl who was a fan. I was a fake and a deceiver.
One bit of good news I had was that Cameron was a success. He wrote songs for a pop singer and that pop singer was at the top of the charts. Cameron was a success and he did not need me or Dad. He has done it all on his own. I was so happy that he was a success and he was doing what he loved. Cameron never visited us, as he did not want to be in the same room as Dad. I had to agree with him and could not wait until I was 18.
As for me, things were not going so well. "Society Radio" was a flop. This was not good. The album should have done better, considering that my previous album was one of the best-selling albums of all time. Dad did not understand why it flopped. He started drinking more and more telling me that it was my fault. I knew why the album flopped. It was a rubbish album that did not sound like me. On top of this, my fans were most likely outraged over finding out that their teen idol was transgender.
I had more time to spend with Chloe. I had no job offers for movies and it was too early to do another album. Chloe tried to cheer me up. She told me that all child stars often experienced troubles when they were older. I was no longer cute and my voice had changed. The sad thing is many child stars found success harder when they grew up. They turned to drugs and other vices which ended up in them destroying themselves. She hoped that this would not happen to me.
Chloe did not believe it was because that people now knew that I was treated like a girl and did not mind wearing girl clothes. She told me that Boy George was very feminine and he was a success. This could be true. Boy Georges fans accepted it. My fans did not accept it. They wanted me to be a teen idol they could have a crush on. The problem is that it was hard for them to have a crush on a teen boy in a dress.
The record company washed their hands of me. They did not want to spend money on fixing my image. I suspected that they also did not want to deal with Dad anymore. The sober and Catholic Dad I once knew was now replaced by an alcoholic gambler that was always drunk or high. I had no choice but to deal with him. The record company had a choice. They did not want to deal with my dad and they had no hope for the bad media attention that I was getting.
I felt like I was alone. Chloe and Nick supported me. Even Cameron refused to talk about me when he was interviewed, which I appreciated. I was mad at Ronny for selling the pictures. I was mad at the record company for abandoning me. I was mad at Dad for everything else. Well, that's not true. I was mostly mad at myself for letting my life come to this.
I opened my wardrobe and looked at all the dresses and girl clothes I had. I had photos all over the floor. It helped me to remember how happy I was when granny and mom were alive. They may have treated me like a girl, but I did not mind. I was happy. They were probably guilty of making me want to be famous. I did not mind this either. As I looked at the pictures, I remembered how I was bullied in school because they thought I was a sissy. I remember Dad telling me to act more like a boy. Maybe he did care. Maybe he knew that I would be hated and the butt of many jokes if people found out that I was feminine.
Chloe and I went on many dates. In a way, my sudden fall from being popular was a blessing for our relationship. She was worried about me. She reminded me that even if I never did music again, I could be a success doing something else. Even Shirley Temple retired when she got older and had success as a mother and a diplomat. I do remember Chloe's best advice that she gave me. She told me that all this should show me that it was important to be true to who I was. Happiness was more important than image and fame. She reminded me to always tell the truth. Truth is easy to remember and it gets so hard to remember lies.
When I came home from a date, Dad was upset. He read a news article in the newspaper which was all about how "Society Radio" was a failure. The article thought that I lost touch with reality and fame went to my head. This and the fact that I lied about being transgender made me a failure. The article predicted that I would be a drug addict. They mentioned that Ronny was a drug addict and lived at an abandoned warehouse.
It was about a month after this that Cameron rang me and told me that Ronny was in the hospital because of an overdose. I should not have cared. Should I even forgive him for ruining my life? Still, he was my brother, so I visited the hospital. This was a nightmare. On my way into the hospital, journalists were asking for comments that I was transgender and how I felt that no one bought "Sacred Religion." One journalist even asked why I was wearing boy clothes. I did not comment. I rushed to Ronny's room. He wasn't awake and looked like he was dead. I could not help but think that this was my fault. Did I drive him to the life he had that was slowly killing him?
When I came home, Dad was not home. He did not come home for several days. This upset me somewhat and I was afraid. Dad used to be a very religious man that had a morality that could compete with Jesus. Now he was a shell of what he used to be. I admitted long ago that he was now an alcoholic and other things he would have frowned upon years ago. It was my money that had done this. This was the first time that he was not home for days, and it made me think if he was dead in some alleyway.
When he did come home, he was angry. He lost money on the horse races. He was comparing the horses to his 3 sons. According to Dad, we were all losers and not good for anything! This both upset me and saddened me. I always tried to please him and make him happy. I always tried to do what he said. Now I could see that he did not love me or think I was worth being his son. This made me decide that he was not worth being my Dad. I did not need him. The only thing that stopped me was the contract he had with the record company.
The feeling that everyone was against me was at its height when I was invited to a charity event. I was supposed to sing a song. Things went wrong when I stepped out of the limo and one teenage girl came close and threw a tomato, which hit my cheek. My security guard rushed me into the building. He tried to cheer me up by saying we knew what picture would be on the front page the next day. I did not see any humour in it and told my security guard to take me home. I know this was not very professional not to sing the song that I promised. It was something I had to do. I did not want anyone to see me. I wanted to hide. I admit that I was also afraid.
When I came home, Nick was there. He hugged me which made me explode with anger. I shouted that I did not want any gay hug. This saddened Nick as he mumbled that he knew what happened with me and just wanted to give me some support. I should have apologized, but I just told him that I wanted to be alone.
Chloe visited me the next day. I complained about my life and how nothing was going right. Chloe must have gotten tired of me, as she said that I always thought about myself. She came because she wanted me to be the first to know that she was offered a record contract.
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