(the previous chapters have been rewritten)245Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ubDrId0zz
The Pope wanted us to perform at the Vatican. When Dad heard about this, he visited us and put his foot down. He was very religious and very Catholic and the Vatican meant a lot to him. It was a sacred place. One would think that he would be honoured that we were invited to play for the Pope. He even said he was. The thing was that it would be an embarrassment if I performed for the Pope. Dad explained that a boy living as a girl was against Gods wishes and plans. In a way, I was sinning. He would not allow me to deceive the Pope and Catholics around the world by looking like a girl. He could not allow this controversy and embarrassment
Granny was both sad, disappointed and mad. She knew that this was our chance and a chance like this would not come again. She could not change Dads opinion about this. He legally had custody over us, despite that we lived with Granny. We needed Dads permission to go travel to the Vatican.
As usual, no one asked me what I wanted to do. I know Cameron was delighted as he hated performing in our group. The atmosphere in the house was very stressful over the next few weeks. Granny was moody and cursed Dad all the time. It also reminded me of how mad Dad was when he found out I was in a pageant. It caused a fight between him and my mom that resulted in a car crash and the death of my mother. Once again, It was my fault that everyone in the house was at war with each other.
I spent a whole weekend watching Shirley Temple films. She was the most famous person in the world when she was my age. It was something that I thought a lot about. I knew that Moms wish was that I would be as famous as Shirley Temple, and I failed at doing that. Maybe the reason that I was not famous was that I lived as a girl. It was very controversial and so many people thought it was wrong. Remember this was 1977 and people were not as tolerant as they are now. I lived most of my life as a girl. I considered myself a girl. I was happy being a girl. People like Dad did not care about this. They thought I should be a boy because of my body.
I could not concentrate at school. I was sad and worried. I did not like when people fought about me. Chloe and Nick did their best to cheer me up. They tried telling me that I was happy as a girl. Nick thought that I was brave, as he also considered himself a girl but would never show this side of him in public. Chloe told me that I should just have fun and enjoy being a child. If I wanted to be famous, I could do it as an adult. She also asked if fame was something that I wanted, or was it something that others wanted? This made me think. Was I doing this because I wanted to or was it because it was the wish of Granny and my mother?
Granny and Dad continued their war. Granny was threatening Dad that she would take him to court over custody of us. I heard her tell Dad that it was him that ran from his responsibilities when mom died. He never did want us to live with him. Besides that, he only was interested in my brothers. He never hugged me or showed any love towards me, He hardly ever spoke with me. I do not know what Dad answered as this was on the telephone.
The fighting continued. I was becoming more and more depressed. It was not because I did not have a chance to go to the Vatican. It was because people were fighting over me. I snuck out of the house one day and went to the church. This was an adventure as I never was outside like this alone. I met the priest at the Church and started crying. I told him my life story. I was born a boy but now live as a girl. Dad did not want me to go to the Vatican because he thought I was a sinner. This was not what I was worried about. I did not like when people fought about me. The priest was quiet for some time and told me he would drive me home. He would speak with Granny and Dad,
Dad was at Grannies house. Granny rang to him as she thought that I ran away. They were both happy to see me. Then they got mad that I was on my own. I was grounded.
The priest sat down and talked with them while I was sent to my room. I could not hear what they were saying. I could hear Dad raise his voice once in a while while he was mad. It was hard just sitting there and waiting. I felt like they were talking about how strange I was. It was as if my feeling and living as a girl were being judged? Was I a sinner? Did God hate me because I lived as a girl? Would Dad love me if I acted like a boy?
After what seemed like ages, I was asked to come back and speak with them. The priest told me that they have discussed the problem at length and decided to compromise. It was decided that from now on. At home, I could be a girl, but when I was in public, I would be a boy. This was just like Nick. I should have had no problem with it. I did have a problem! Why does no one ever ask me what I wanted? I have been living as a girl for a long time, and I felt like I was one. Now they wanted me to pretend to be a boy. What would happen at school when I was suddenly a boy?
This meant over the next few days, I had new clothes that were for a boy. I sighed every time granny put some boys clothes in my wardrobe. They were not pretty and they were coarse and itchy. I did not feel like myself when I wore them. My hair was cut in a unisex style... I think they called it a pageboy style. So my new life was that I was a girl at home, and when I walked out the door, I was a boy. It was confusing and I felt like I was acting. The only good thing was that there was peace at home. There was no peace in my mind and heart, but at least people were not fighting about me.
The teacher finally tried helping me at school. She explained to the class that sometimes people get confused about who they are.
"Dakota was transgender," She explained, "He tried being a girl and this was despite it was against nature and God's will. Finally, Dakota has got wise. He knows that he is a boy and now will live as a boy. We need to support Dakota in this decision. We must forget on how he has acted until now, and let him know that his decision to be a boy is wise."
I was so embarrassed over the teacher's plea. Once again people did not care what makes a person comfortable and happy. People were so quick to judge. The plea did not help. My classmates still teased me. I was still a sissy and a baby in their eyes. They said I may have worn boys clothes, but I still looked like a girl. The bullying became worse, as they thought I was a freak. It was only my friendship with Chloe and Nick that helped me to survive.
It was time for us to travel to the Vatican. It was such an exciting trip. I was never on an aeroplane before. It was so strange being in Italy. The people were different, the buildings were different. They even spoke another language. We stayed at a nice hotel and spent a lot of time practising. Dad was also there, as he could not miss the opportunity of meeting the Pope. So this meant that practising became more of a chore. We now had both Granny and Dad telling us how we should perform. This was bad enough, but Ronny was complaining all the time. Granny explained that he was now 15, and he was at an age where teenagers rebelled.
We did have some time to visit some tourist attractions in Rome. I loved doing this. We visited old Roman ruins, as well as museums and Churches. We were given a very impressive tour of the Vatican. Being a tourist in Rome was one of the happiest experiences of my life. I felt as if we were a normal family and there was no fighting. It was even strange to see Dad having a good time and smiling.
It was time for the concert. We all wore jumpsuits that reminded me of something someone would wear in prison. The jumpsuits were white and they had fake shiny diamonds sewn in them. I was a nervous wreck before the show. It was being televised all over the world. I was afraid my voice would fail me, I would forget how I should move or forget the words. This did not happen. We performed some Gospel songs and everything went as it should. At times, when I glanced at the Pope, he was smiling. I was once again doing something that I loved. I was entertaining people.
The reviews on our performance were great. They praised my performance the most and wrote that I looked and sang like an angel. They also predicted that we could be as big as the Jackson 5 or The Osmonds. We were delighted about the reviews. Dad warned us not to get bloated heads. We should not think that we were anything special.
The Pope wanted to speak with me. So I met the Pope. He started by saying he was quite surprised that I was a boy, as he hard "The Sullivans" had a girl as a lead singer. I did not know what to say, so I tried changing the subject telling the Pope that it was an honour performing for the Vatican. The Pope smiled and told me to remember that I had a gift, and I had a chance to be an instrument of God with this gift. I could make a difference in peoples lives. He advised me to keep God as a friend, and to be happy for who I was, and not what people wanted me to be.
The trip to the Vatican ended and life went back to normal. I was still bullied by the boys that thought I had no talent and just wanted attention. The girls on the other hand suddenly stopped being mean to me. They thought I was now famous and wanted to be my friend. This was a bit hard, as I did not know if they liked me or the fact that I was on TV. I did not trust their intentions, so I spent most of my time with Chloe and Nick. They often visited me at home, where I was having "girl time"
The agent had good news and bad news. The good news is that I was being offered a 3 album contract with Supremity Records. The bad news was that they just wanted me and did not want my brothers. At first, Granny and Dad refused to sign this contract. The royalties were very low and they insisted that my brothers were also a part of the contract. Ronny then insisted that he did not want this. He did not want to be famous. So the contract was signed.
Over the next few months, I started to record at a small studio. It would be a Gospel album, as that would be a good way to profit from the Vatican show. It was hard doing the album, as I had no say in anything. The record company picked the songs, the producer and the musicians. My job was just to sing and sing the way that I was told to sing. I will be honest, most of the songs did not mean a lot to me. I had no connection to them. As they were new, I never sang them before and the lyrics were not even personal. I could not sing them the way I wanted to. I just did what I was told.
The albums name was "Hope." I suppose this was what the record company thought, they hoped that they were not wasting time on me. I knew I was at a crossroads in my life. This album could be the answer to Moms dream that I would be famous.
It was so hard counting the days down to when "Hope" would finally be released.
To be Continued
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