Hello, all! I am back.... Here is the second to last part of my journey getting to a closer understanding with God! High school. Enjoy!
High school was an okay time (less happier than elementary school but still good as I was still living). By living, I mean I was (and am) thankful to be alive since life is such a special and precious gift. Anyways, in freshman year, I was still getting used to being at a new school, but I liked the experience of everything being new (the school itself, the teachers, the people, the different things it had compared to middle school, the new school year feeling, and others), if that makes sense.
In one of my classes, on the third day of school, I saw this guy. I was immediately smitten with him (have no idea what to call it so I just said smitten, but anyways). I don't know why. Up to this day, sometimes I think and wonder why did I like him. I definitely know that I DID like him, but I didn't have specific reason why. For previous crushes, I knew why I liked them, whether it be because I thought they were cute or kind, and so on, but I didn't know why I liked his guy. Sure, I thought he was cute, but there must've been another reason why I liked him since if I just liked him because he was cute, then I wouldn't have liked him as long as I had.
All in all, I focused on that guy, and spiritual stuff like the law of attraction (unfortunately), but I still believed and thanked God (thank goodness!) but I also thanked the universe. I thought by listening to chakra music, I would suddenly become better (spiritually, mentally, emotionally) but that never came to pass (before college) if I have to be honest.
That guy was in my mind, all day, every day. I literally had a crush on him from freshman year up until senior year. I remember I even took classes (during my senior year and/or junior year) that I was iffy on just so I could have a chance to be in as many classes as I could with him. Guess how many classes I ended up getting with him? 0. I'm literally laughing as I write this. God had a plan, and that plan was for me not to get near him. Again, I think everything happens for a reason, and I've already moved past this, so I'm still laughing as I type this. During high school though, I was NOT laughing. I was so confused why I did not have any classes with him. I mean, it did do me good at the end, but before that, I was confused as to why that happened. I even remember I put a coin in a fountain at a resort, the summer before school started, wishing that I had at least 3 classes with him.
Anyways, I was really petty at the end of high school towards him. Don't worry, I'm not like that anymore, but again, near the end of high school I was.
When I like someone, I would say I'm pretty obvious. I remember at the beginning of freshman year, when my crush on him was still fairly new, I always used to walk near him when going to our last class (since we had our second to last class and last class of the day together), I held the door for him on the way out, I complimented him whenever I had to talk to him (though talking to him was rare), I complimented him through text, I asked his close friends for advice (I know, I was so very weird), I gave him a flower and card for Valentine's Day through a thing in school (the one where you pay for people to hand those things out during class on Valentine's day), I even gave him more gifts (I like giving gifts in general, so of course I was going to give gifts to him, my crush). Anyways, my point is is that when I like someone, I don't keep it a secret.
I should have moved on, and focused on what was going on in front of me during high school, instead of thinking about him all day. I had low self-image in high school, so of course that made it worse.
I know for a fact that I was immature in high school. I though chakras could make my days better, I based my classes in later years based on what I thought my crush was going to choose, I dressed up nicely for a guy I rarely saw, I always thought about said guy, even at home, my days would be ruined if I didn't see him or have any interaction with him, I didn't really care as much as I should have when it came to ACTUAL school, I shouldn't have put my all in someone who wasn't even going to be my loved one.
Now, I look back and although I wish I could have done things better, I know that it made me the person who I am today. I am so thankful to God! God really is my saviour. He was patient, even when I was believing in the universe, and even when I wasn't cultivating a true close relationship with Him... God is truly oh so very kind!
Anyways, I didn't know of course when I first started liking him and pursuing him, but it turns out he was already talking to a girl. During freshman year, they went to homecoming together (I believe as a pair). I was so mad, I'll be completely honest. I think jealousy is my worst trait and is still my worst trait (ONLY when it comes to the people I'm truly romantically interested in though). The fact that she was from the same middle school as me and the fact that we didn't stand on friendly terms with each other (we were in a subject together and she basically told me I didn't do anything and to stop acting so shy) made it even worse.
I guess after homecoming, they stopped talking or whatever, so I went back to pursuing him (but while I KNEW they were "together", I stopped pursuing him because I know that pursuing him would not a good or moral thing to do). Anyways, during sophomore year, they went to homecoming with each other AGAIN. Not only did they go to homecoming as a pair the first year, but they were going together as a couple the second year.
The fact that my friend, N (the one who I talked about in my middle school post) told me that they k***** made me even angrier. I'm laughing right now again at writing this. Okay, anywho, for who knows why, I still didn't give up on him. I remember seeing them in the hallway next to the doors going outside since both the girl and I would take the bus to another school (as the other school was actually her real school, and I only went to the other school for a class of mine). I was really irritated. But, I stopped pursuing him once again.
Well, they ended up breaking up once again,so I started pursuing him once again. I wish I knew how to give up before, but it's too late to say that lol. Again, I'm trying to change my life, right in the present.
At the end of high school, I gave my cousin some things in exchange for her confronting him. To be honest, the idea of him was really messing so much with my mind, and my emotions. One of the things I like to do in order to solve conflict, is to confront the person. So, I asked my cousin to, in exchange that I give her something else. She ended up doing it, and I thanked her many times.
Anyways, he started telling lies to her. An example, after class (we had the same class together), I was planning on asking him to prom (yeah, I know, going too fast, but that was truly my plan at the time). I followed him out the door (I was literally right behind him), and I asked him in a mini hallway, if I could ask him something for a minute or so (or if I could talk with him about something for a moment, I forgot).
He said something similar to an excuse (well not exactly like an excuse, but I can't explain it). He said something like "I'm busy" or "I have to go somewhere" or "I have to do something." Then he just speed walked away.
Yeah. ^_^
I was really sad after that. I didn't even want to go to prom after that, but I ended up going since I had already gotten a ticket, and my parents already bought me a dress.
Anyways, back to my cousin confronting him. She asked him about that day when I tried asking him a question after class, and he said that he told me that he can ask me again what I was going to tell him another day or whenever I see him again (which as I told a bit ago, he DIDN'T say that, he just told me he was busy). I don't get why he lied but anyways.
Anyways, she said to him some kind of hurtful things (those words coming from me), and I wish I could have handled it better. I did what I did because I was hurt, but I know I should have done it differently. I even told her to tell him that I'm not going to prom for senior year because of him (yeah, I was petty), and he said that wasn't his fault. Again, I could have handled it better, but he could have too to be honest (he should have said the truth, and whether he didn't like me or anything, as long as he told his true feelings, I would have been okay. But he didn't). I like closure, so him avoiding the questions and statements made me get angry once again.
Anyways, just to let all of you know, I'm over it now, I am at peace, and I am more mature than I was during that time! ^_^ Thank YOU very much, God.
Maybe he was just trying to avoid hurting my feelings, so that's why he didn't say the truth, I don't know. But for me, specifically, I would have liked it much better if he just said his truth, so I could just fully move on. I have a hard time changing if no one's telling me directly what exaclty is the situation.
I remember I messaged him after high school on Instagram, and I asked him why didn't he just tell the truth about what he really thought (and of course I said so in a nice, friendly, and peaceful way), but he never replied.
And that's fine. :)
Now I know that I don't always need to be directly confronted in order to know the truth. I should look at the cues too.
Now, advice time! First up, never do things or change your lifestyle because of a romantic interest or crush! Usually, a crush doesn't last long. Can you see yourself spending your entire life with them? Can you imagine yourself growing old with them? Do they truly like you back? Do they respect you? Are they a godly person? Usually, to be honest, It is a bit rare to find these kinds of people who fit all or almost all of the aspects we need in a person. Remember, school is more important than a guy or girl. Your education makes you more knowledgeable, wise, and ready for life! Choose the classes YOU want to do, and cultivate your knowledge. Focus on your classes, and on yourself and your beliefs. Trust me, doing this will go SUCH a long way. :)
The second piece of advice. Singleness is amazing. Never be embarrassed or afraid of being single. Just because people around you are in relationships, doesn't mean you have to as well. To be honest, some of these people aren't immature enough to be in a relationship, it is just that they got the opportunity to be in one. For me at least, it's better to be more mature later on, than to be immature and be in a relationship too early. If you even want to, you don't even need to be in a romantic relationship at all if you don't want to. It's your choice.
The third piece of advice is to love God. Sometimes, we're so busy with the physical aspects of our life that we forget to thank God and spend our moments with him. Focusing on those things will lead us further away from God, which is nerve-wracking and bad. God made us, He loves us, and He is in charge. We shouldn't depend on anyone other than God when it comes to our own lives, and where they're heading.275Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidmeOSUuHR
Next, you need to love yourself. You're an amazing and wonderful person. Never let any person bring you down. You are unique, and you make the world better in your own way. You have a purpose, please don't forget it.
Finally, confrontation is okay. As long as it doesn't end up in violence or a deep fight, then go for it. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out directly with someone (not talking about now though since there is a pandemic, but you know what I mean). You can call or video chat or reach out. Whatever you feel is best. You can even write a letter if you want!
God bless you all!
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