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I began this letter with the intention of apologising, though I'm not entirely sure how I should do that. You won't read this letter that much, I know. Then again, it's not like I can have it sent to you. If you do get this letter, I hope you can forgive me.
It wasn't my fault. I mean it, I didn't mean to kill you. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I don't think you knew what you were doing either. We were new to this place and new to life itself. Can you blame me? I was hungry. So hungry for life, for everything. I couldn't help myself. Even now, sometimes I still can't. But back then I had no control. I needed to eat.
Mother wasn't eating enough for all of us. Can you blame her? She was eating more than a grown man, several times a day. She confessed that some days, eating was all she seemed to do. She would eat a full meal and be hungry again a few moments later. She didn't know at the time, and she had work to do then too. During those hours when she wasn't eating, I was still hungry, but I could hold on for her quick snack break.
But that day, I didn't mean to do it. She had a meeting that went on for too long, and I was so hungry. I was afraid I would die. I didn't want to starve. It wasn't my intention. I mean it, I just needed something to stop the pain. There were two of us, and we would share the food with mother. If it were just me, I would be able to eat more. I'm sorry...I was so hungry.
I know it's too late to apologise, but I have never stopped thinking about you. If mom had eaten enough for all of us, we'd both have survived. I often imagine you would have been the first one, and I'd be the younger. The things we would have done, the fun we would have had. We'd have done our homework together, or gotten into trouble with mom and dad for our pranks.
Maybe we'd have been a musical duo, playing at clubs and festivals like dad. Maybe we'd have gone on with tennis. Or maybe we'd have stuck with swimming. I remember we both liked water. Yeah, we might have been a pair taking part in group races with others. I often imagine we'd do a lot of things together. We were so close before. At least that's what I think.
Will you forgive me for eating you? I don't know if I could, if our places were reversed. I've tried to tell mom a few times about you. She doesn't believe me. But I know I'm not lying. There's just an emptiness, like a piece of me is missing. I've read stories about other twins who've described the same thing. I'm not crazy. I know I'm not. I'm just sorry.
My insatiable hunger doesn't stop. I can eat enough to feed a family of four and still be hungry an hour later. It's like I never ate. Dad says I'm just greedy and have no self control. He's threatened to put me on a diet a few times. But mom won't let him, she lets me eat. Sometimes she'd smuggle me snacks when dad's not looking.
She doesn't believe you existed, but she remembers how hungry I made her. And how insatiable I was as a toddler. You know, I used to hate eating in public when I was younger. The adults were always in shock when they saw how much I could eat. And the kids made fun of me for the size of my sandwiches. The sandwiches were never enough, but they would keep me from collapsing in school until I got home to eat.
Dad says I'm going to eat them one day. But I can't help it. I'm so hungry. I confess, I am feeling hungry as I write this. I've been trying to manage how much I eat, but it really doesn't matter. It's like the meals I skip or the portions I reduce get added to later meals. Sundays are the days I really get to eat. Mom cooks lunch for 8 and I eat a grown man's portion 3 times between 12 and 6. I also sleep early on Sunday, so I don't roam the kitchen after 9 looking for something to eat.
I guess my rant may have made you angry. I'm sorry. I don't mean to brag. I just wanted to let you know that things haven't changed from back then. I guess I'm hoping all this will convince you to forgive me.
I'm sorry I killed you.
I miss you.
-K
P.S. We have younger siblings. Our brother, I used to suspect was you. He was always angry with me as a toddler. We were weirdly really close too. We sort of shared the same mind, finishing each other's sentences, covering for each other and there were times we knew when something was not right with one another. He's got a certain maturity about him that makes people think he's the older one. I'm sure you'd get along with him.
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