I only lived a few blocks from the school, about a fifteen minute walk. I don’t mind walking, I enjoy it honestly. It got me away from the noise, gave me space to breathe. I was scared of arriving at the school; would they stare? I know they’re going to talk, spread rumors, gossip about me. But I just don’t want them to stare. A sharp pain on my arms snapped me out of my thoughts. I was bleeding. I had been anxiously pulling my skin as I was walking.
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“Shit.” I whispered through gritted teeth.
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The abrupt sound of laughter snapped me out of my fixation.
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‘Shit. I can’t do this.’ I begin to panic, my breathing becoming shallow and rushed. I was starting to feel dizzy and uneasy, like everything was moving slower than it should be. The whispering and laughing was loud, ringing my ears. I pushed forward, trying to make my way to the doors. That’s when I feel a tap on my shoulder.
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“Hey,” a girl whispers from behind me, causing me to jump and turn around.
She looks at me with a startled expression. “Are you okay?”
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I don’t speak, I just look at her with wide eyes. She senses my distress and walks me inside. I feel stares from every direction as we make our way inside. I feel like running away but she keeps pulling me forward. We eventually make our way to a bathroom and she locks the stall door, sitting me on the toilet.
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“Breathe.” is all she says.
I try to breathe but I can’t. It’s shallow, ragged, and labored.
She just repeats herself, “Breathe.” She breathes in and out slowly.
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I close my eyes, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. Slowly.
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“There you go. Just keep going. Deep breaths.”
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I continue breathing in and out, the air flooding my lungs. This is the first time I’ve been able to breathe since I started walking to school.
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She grabs my shoulders, crouching down to meet my eyes. “Are you okay?”
I nod my head.
She sighs, smiling at me apologetically. “What’s your name?”
“Claire.” I respond quickly.
“Colson?” She blurts. “Actually, don’t answer that right now.”
“Yes,” I ignore her remark. “Thanks for helping me.” I stand up, prepared to leave.
“Wait, I didn’t mean-”
“It’s fine.” I leave the stall and walk out of the bathroom.
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I put in my earbuds to help ignore the flood of people in the halls and make my way to my first class.
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“Hi, Claire.” My teacher smiles at me.
“Good morning.” I reply, smiling back politely.
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I go to the seat in the back, far corner. I put my head down so people won’t notice me. I’ll blend in like everyone else. Hopefully. The bell rings, signaling the beginning of the period. I put my head up, looking around to see that everyone has stopped staring.
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‘Thank god.’ I pull out my computer to start working, and then I see him. A tall, brown-haired boy. He looks about as annoyed to be here as I am. Minus the paralyzing fear. He doesn’t stare, doesn’t even notice me. Good. He takes a seat at the desk next to me, not noticing me or acknowledging me at all. I sit back and continue to work, I have nothing to worry about.
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Even so, I can’t stop taking peeks at him through my hair. I don’t feel him looking at me, it’s the noticing he’s doing that makes me want to look at him.
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‘Why isn’t he staring at me?’ I thought.
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The bell rings, and I put my head down, scrambling to finish the last sentence I was working on. When I hear the chair next to me move, I can no longer stop myself from looking. He packs up his things and gets up from his seat.
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I was staring, I knew I was. But it was only for a moment. As soon as he stopped and turned around, I was hiding my face again. My heart was racing. Why? It was only for a second. I could feel him staring, for longer than I thought he would. It only made my movements more careless, my pencil was reckless and rough against the paper. I was sure he would see my restless scribbling as an excuse. He just stood there for a moment, looking at me as if I was something new, before leaving.
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As soon as I knew he was gone I got up and hurried out of the room, going straight to my next class. When the bell rang and I didn’t see him I began to breathe easier. I felt a familiar tap on my shoulder and turned to see that it was the girl from earlier sitting in the desk behind me. I was in such a rush-- such a daze-- that I must not have seen her when I came in.
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“Hey.” She smiled.
“Hi.” I replied, not smiling.
Her smile faded, awkwardly. “I’m sorry about earlier, I just get really fixated on new things.” She sighed. “And you were kind of the talk of the town so I guess it was a knee-jerk reaction.”
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I could tell she was sincere, that she wasn’t trying to be obnoxious when she asked about me in the bathroom. She was just curiously excited.
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“It’s fine, really.” I paused. “I’ve just been hearing rumors and whispers and seeing people watch me so I’ve just become a bit frustrated, and even a little paranoid.”
She clicked her tongue. “The panic attack this morning.”
“Yeah. I’ve sort of developed a bit of anxiety since I’ve been here. It’s hard not to when there’s people watching every move you make and whispering about you.”
She looked apologetic. “Christian was right, entertaining the rumors was always a bad idea. I’m so sorry.”
“Christian? Who-”
“My best friend,” She interrupted. “I’ve been blabbing about your family since the rumors started, since you moved here. He was always so annoyed, he didn’t want to hear anymore information about you guys. He thought it was invasive and rude. He didn’t care to entertain it.”
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I smile, genuinely for the first time. Dots start connecting in my head. The boy from last class who didn’t bother to look in my direction like everyone else did, looking so unhappy and annoyed. It had to be him. I couldn’t forget his studying, watching eyes. The way the soft brown danced over my features, the recklessness of my movements, his soft smile when he figured out I was watching. The subtleness of everything he did. It was impossible to ignore, to forget.
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“Claire?” Hannah blurted, snapping me out of my thoughts. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I was just thinking.” I smiled softly to myself.
“Do you want to walk to lunch with me?” She beamed.
I looked at her and smiled. “Sure.”
She started squirming in her chair. “Great!” She smiled.
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We spent the rest of the class comparing our schedules and making small talk. When the bell rings I don’t really rush to gather my things and leave, I hang back with Hannah and take my time gathering my stuff. We walk out together and stand in front of her locker so she can grab her lunch.
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“What’d you pack for lunch?” She asks.
“I didn’t think to pack one so I’m just gonna grab some cafeteria food.”
“Oh,” She pauses. “I’ll just wait while you get your lunch and then we’ll eat in my car so you don’t have to be around so many people.”
I smiled brightly. “Really?”
“Of course!” She beams. “It’s really not a problem.”
I smile back while she continues to shuffle with things in her locker.
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I feel people staring and I look over to see the boy from earlier. My stomach drops and my heart skips a beat. He’s standing with another boy, talking to him, but never taking his eyes off mine. We make eye contact for a brief moment before I break it to continue talking to Hannah. My heart is racing. I try to remain as composed as possible.
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Hannah shuts her locker and looks over at where the boy was standing, except he was no longer standing still, he was making his way over. I could feel the panic rising in my chest, my heart was beating so fast I was sure I would have a heart attack or something.
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As the boy comes closer Hannah makes her way towards him. My breath is shaking. I turn away from her and try to compose myself, but it's useless. I feel him standing beside me. I could smell his cologne, the scent was strong, but not overpowering. I want to look at him, but I know I can't.
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"Hey." He says softly, like velvet. I can feel him looking at me.
I say nothing.
"She doesn't talk much." Hannah blurted.
His gaze wandered from me to Hannah. "I know, Austin told me."
I'm holding my breath.
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"Is it because you're mute or something?" He jokes, turning his attention back to me, my eyes still haven't left the floor. "What's your name?"
I'm silent.
"You can talk to us, we're not going to bite." He laughed softly.
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My mind is racing, my body is screaming to look at him, but I can't. It's like I'm frozen. Why am I being like this? I take a deep breath, forcing myself to look at him, my body perfectly composed.
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"Claire." I finally speak.
I watch him smile, my stomach doing flips, "Hi Claire, I'm Christian."
"Hi." I reply flatly, not intending to sound so cold.
"She's not shy, she's just not having a good day today." Hannah blurted, attempting to cover for my strange behavior.
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“This town just makes me a bit paranoid. That’s all.” I fidget nervously, refusing to make eye contact.
Christian looks over at Hannah, a stern look across his soft face. “I told you. I told everyone.”
“I know, I know.” She sighs, looking apologetic. “I already apologized, there isn’t much else I can do.”
“I just wish you had listened to me sooner, I wish everyone cared enough to see that she’s more than some-”
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“Guys,” I interrupt. They both stop to look at me. “It’s fine. I don’t enjoy the attention but it’s really not the end of the world.”
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Christian says nothing, Hannah just smiles softly.
“Lunch?” I ask, changing the topic.
Hannah leads the way, “Sure.” She smiles.
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The sight of the people in the lunchroom sends my mind into a swirl. My breath is uneven, staring at the lines of people. I want to leave, I want to run out the door. As if sensing my panic, I feel a hand slipping into mine, squeezing three times. I look down to see Christian’s hand intertwining with mine. I look up, making eye contact with him briefly before turning to look at the lines of people, filing into skinny doorways, one after the other. Christian leads me to a line, never letting go of my hand. His touch makes me nervous, I want to let go but I don’t want to lose this feeling.
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When we get to the line, though, he lets go of my hand. Leaving it empty and cold. I go through the line without any sense of panic, setting my tray on the tables outside of the lunch line, getting condiments and a cup of water.
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I look around for Hannah, spotting her and Christian waiting for me on the steps before the parking lot. I walk over and we scan out at the desk. We walk over to her gray, 2005 Lexus ES. Hannah sits up front, Christian joins me in the back. He sets his tray of food aside, picking up a lunchbox from the floor of the car.
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“Are you going to eat that?” I gesture towards his tray that’s sitting on the center console.
He looks at me, putting a carrot in his mouth from a ziploc baggie, “No. I hate cafeteria food.”
I look at him, laughing. “Then why did you go through the line?”
He just smiles softly. “You weren’t going to make it through that lunch line by yourself.”
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I smile to myself, appreciating the sentiment. I opened the wrapped sandwich, sunbutter and jelly. The sunbutter tasted interesting, but not bad.
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We all eat in silence for a bit. My eyes go over Christian's face. Studying his smile lines, the soft curve of his lips. I look down at my hand, remembering how his hand touched my arm, sliding down to meet mine. How our fingers intertwined, dancing together on our palms. I look back up at Christian, this time he meets my gaze. I'm not sure what he sees in my eyes, but whatever it is makes him smile, and look away.
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My mind drifts off, and I get lost in my thoughts. I flash back to his smile, the subtle creases next to his eyes. I smile to myself, finishing my lunch.
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"Christian," Hannah says. "You still have two classes left today, right?"
"Yeah," he responds.
"Well I'm done for today," Hannah is a senior so she only has six classes. "I'll come pick you up after 8th" She looks back at me, "Claire, do you need a ride?"
"Sure. It's better than walking home." I reply, stacking the trash together on my lunch tray.
Christian grazes my hand, getting my attention. "I'll meet you in the cafeteria after 8th, okay?"
I nod, getting out of the car. Christian walks around to my side, I meet his eyes.
"I'll see you after school," he says, holding my gaze.
I just smile softly, walking inside to dump my tray and head up to 7th period.
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***
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Christian stands in the threshold of the cafeteria, smiling at me. I can't stop looking at him. His eyes are on mine, and only mine. I'm not used to that look. I've never had anyone's sole attention like that. It's a novel feeling. I make my way closer to him, adjusting the straps of my backpack higher on my shoulders.
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I stop in front of him, "We shouldn't keep Hannah waiting."
He nods, taking a step back so I can enter the cafeteria first. I walk beside him, following him toward the doors to the parking lot. He holds the door for me and we walk outside, making our way towards Hannah's car.
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"Can I ask you a question?" he says suddenly.
"Sure."
"Are you happy?"
I laugh. "That's a broad question."
He shrugs, "But a good one."
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I don't know how to answer that. I'm not unhappy. I mean, I'm not happy with my life, but I'm also not unhappy. I leave the question unanswered and keep making my way to Hannah's car.
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"Hey Claire," Hannah greets me as I walk into the Lexus. "How was your last classes?"
“It was alright.” I replied.
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Christian joins me in the backseat, looking over at me with a soft smile. I smile back before looking out the window, watching the school pass by. The drive to my house is short with not much conversation.
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“Thanks Hannah.” I smile, getting out of the car.
“Of course.” She smiled, driving away.
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Walking in through the front door, I was met with a mess of boxes and bubble wrap piled next to the door. I step over the mess.
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“Mom?” I call out.
No answer.
“Mom!” I call out again.
No answer.
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“Come on mom, where are you?” I begin searching rooms, ultimately finding her laying on her bedroom floor, surrounded by clothes, completely zoned out; paralyzed.
I relax my shoulders, sighing and shaking my head.
It’s been like this for days. The initial “charm” of the town wore off, now all she can focus on is dad-- and the absence of him-- it’s made her manic. She’ll go through these episodes where she’s bouncing off the walls, insisting that there’s things she needs to get done. She’ll rush around the house for up to an hour, taking things out of boxes, drawers, and her closet, putting dishes in the sink to be cleaned, and other various things, before she just crashes.
I don’t know how to help her, I don’t even know how to help myself. It all just becomes too much sometimes. School, grieving, my mother and her erratic behavior. All of it. When I lost my father-- and my mother subsequently lost her mind-- I lost both of my parents. It’s just me now. I can’t rely on her anymore.
I go up to my room, locking the door. I lazily take off my shoes and drop my backpack in one spot next to my door before sinking into my bed. It’s easier to just sleep. I can’t feel anything when I’m asleep. My life is back to normal in my dreams. I'm in sunny, bustling Florida with all of my friends, I’m in the office with my dad, reading books and taking notes. Laughing at the beach with my mother, the sun on our faces and sand between our toes.
I’d give anything to get my life back. To be okay again.
I’ll never be okay again.
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