I woke up in the hospital. The last thing I knew was that we were driving home from Church. Mom and Dad were arguing over me pretending to be a girl at a pageant. It was my fault they were fighting. I forgot that mom told me not to tell Dad. It ended with Dad being unable to concentrate on driving and arguing with mom. He drove into a tree.
The first I saw at the hospital was my brothers. They only had some scratches and bruises. The same with me. The doctor said that we were very lucky to be alive and it was good that we wore seatbelts. I was full of energy, so it was hard being told to lay in bed because the doctors and nurses had to observe me.
Life at the hospital was so boring. It was also lonely. I could see parents visit the other children. My parents were in another place in the hospital, so they could not visit me. I was not allowed to see my parents and this made me worry about them. I tried asking my brothers, but they would not answer me. They blamed me for the car accident, saying that mom and Dad were fighting about me. They said that I have just been a problem since I was born.
The other children on the ward did not speak with me. This made things more boring. I tried speaking with them, but they looked at me as if I was some alien. I had nothing to do except observe them when they spoke with each other or their families visited them. It seemed as if no one ever had anything good to say about me. Even Dad did not approve of me. It was only mom that was nice to me, and all I knew was that she was someplace in the hospital. I wondered when she could visit me.
One of the nurses was also nice to me. She kept on calling me "poor child" and it looked as if she wanted to cry when she saw me. I liked her because she took the time to sit down and speak with me when the other children had visits from their families.
The nurse told me that I was very lucky that I was not hurt a lot. The accident was a bad one. She told me that Dad was fine, however, mom went to heaven. Then she hugged me. I asked when Dad would be visiting me, and then the nurse made excuses that she had some work to do. All I knew is that she did not say when my dad would visit me.
I hid under my sheets and started crying. Mom was dead and it was my fault. She defended me when Dad did not like the way I was. I knew that I was not like other boys. This made me think that this was the reason that mom died. Now I had no mom. I spent all my time mourning this loss and promising myself that I would make dad proud of me. I would be the boy that he wanted me to be. The problem is that dad never did visit me. This made me think more and more that everyone knew that mom died because of me.
Granny visited me one day. She apologised that she did not come earlier, but it was a bad time for her. She tried to tell me that it was not my fault that my mom had to go to heaven. I just sat and listened to her. I did not believe a word she said. I was just happy that she was visiting me. It made me think that someone cared. Granny continued to tell me that my brothers and I would be living with us. She explained that Dad left the hospital and no one knew where he was. He did not want us and was hiding someplace. I knew that this meant that Dad did not want me.
Moms funeral came, and I did not understand it very much. I could not understand why she was in the coffin and would not come out. I could not understand that mom was in heaven and would never be able to hug me again and tell me how special I was. My oldest brother Cameron told me afterwards that Mom was dead because of me. This meant that I was no longer special and I would never be famous.
Granny asked me if I would sing at moms funeral. It's not as if I had a choice to do this. Granny told me what song I would be singing. I was dressed as a pageboy, with leggings that looked like tights and a top with frills. Besides the pageant I have done, I have never sung in private. The fact that I was singing in public and it was at my moms funeral scared me. I sang "Amazing Grace". It was a relief that I did not cry. Everyone else was in tears.
After the funeral, people we telling me how good I was and that I sang like an angel. I did not have time to listen to them. I have seen Dad talking with my brothers. I rushed over to Dad and told him how much I missed him. Dad was not smiling. He asked me what I was wearing and why did I look like I was a fairy? I had no clue that fairy meant he thought I looked gay. I did not even know what gay meant. I looked at Dad in a confused way. I could see that he was still ashamed of me. He hugged my brothers and when he looked at me, he sighed.
Things did change. My fourth birthday was shortly after the funeral. We did not even celebrate this. I had a small party with my dolls. I now had to get used to that I was no longer special and had no bright future. I had to accept that I would grow up and not be like Shirley Temple. I would be the boy known for not keeping a secret and getting his mother killed.
When I asked Granny if I would be famous, she did not answer. She told me that I needed to be a child. She knew I was talented and she knew that I could be a star, however, she admitted that she did not know how it would be done. Granny told me that we needed time to be a new family and to get over the death of mom and Dad abandoning us. In a way, I was happy that I would be leading a normal life. I did not know what a normal life was, as I was always told that I would be famous and that I was a special child.
I was not allowed to go out. I spent most of my time with my dolls. I always expected mom to come back and would feel that it was my fault that she was dead. If I just kept the secret that she wanted, then she would be alive. Granny did her best to be like a mother to us. However, she was our granny and we knew we were there because no one else could take care of us. She did her best to give us the best environment we could have. It was something we had to adjust to. Moms death was like a huge hole in my heart and I kept on thinking about the time that Dad did not hug me.
My brothers did not want to be with me. They would tell me that mom died because I was a sissy, and it was my fault that she used so much time on me and nearly forgot them. Now, mom was gone. They would tease me that I would never be famous or have friends. No one loved me and everyone knew that I was weird. It was hard for me to listen to the verbal abuse from my brothers. It was just as bad that my brothers had each other, and they did not like me.
I never felt so alone.
One day, Granny explained to me that a friend of hers had a daughter that was getting married. She explained that the wedding was in a few days and the flower girl was sick. Then she told me that she promised that I could dress as a flower girl. At first, I laughed, and I protested that I was a boy. Granny reminded me that I was a girl in the pageant and that no one found out that I was a boy. She said she would not force me to be a Flowergirl, but I would be helping people that needed the help. Then she added that it would also make her happy.
So the day came when I was to be a Flowergirl. My hair was now longer, but you could still see it was a boys hair. I wore a pink petticoat dress with a ribbon around my stomach. I had girl panties and tights on, as well as Mary Jane shoes. I looked in the mirror. The dress was so pretty and I felt so pretty with the dress on. Deep down this made me happy as it reminded me of the dress up games I had with mom. I knew mom would smile if she saw me.
The wedding went well and I did the job as a Flowergirl as good as I could. Granny was so proud of me. I also talked with the other girls at the wedding. They were nice at the start. They liked my dress and they wondered what it was like being a Flowergirl. This was until one of my brothers said I was a boy. This confused the other children my age. They wondered how a boy could be in a dress. Then one of the older boys said that I was a sissy. At this stage, everyone stopped being nice and started teasing me. It did not help that I started to cry. Now I was both a sissy and a crybaby.
When we were at home, I was mad at my brothers. It was clear that they hated me. They enjoyed others teasing me. Why did my brothers want to humiliate me so much? Why could we not be like a family that was on TV? It was not just me that was mad. Granny was also mad at my brothers. She reminded us that we are family and will always have each other. There is no place in any family for any jealousy or hatred. My two brothers laughed when she used the word jealous. I doubt that they listened to her.
Granny told me that she had good news. A man at the wedding thought that I was so cute, that he wanted me to be in an advertisement campaign. Granny had already said yes to it. I did not quite understand what it meant. I would be in some advertisements. Did that mean I will be famous?
Granny was not fished yet, she announced that she had considered our future and she considered what mom would want.
"Your father has left." she said, "This means he has no say. Your mom wanted you to have a good life. She thought you could be famous. So we will do the same as Jackson 5. You will be a family band. Dakota will be the head singer and Cameron and Ronny will be supporting. You will all need to work and work hard. You need to be lucky. You need to be good. You will need to practice a lot."
My brothers groaned, but Granny was not finished. "Your mom also considered Dakota a girl that was born in the wrong body. I could see that Dakota was so happy today when he was a girl at the wedding. Dakota felt so happy in girl clothes. Dakota was his true self. Dakota is a girl, and from now one will be treated as a girl."
To be continued
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