Chapter Theme Music: Mystery ~ FFXIII OST82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFr5wjWHAF
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<11/12/149,566 {Avion 148} - 13:59 | Corral Position, Genosis, Altiri Sector Space>82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BlOnxMxK8
<Karnak to ACS414 Date Equivalent: 11/12/2010>82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFkDT5YJ9X
<Telepathic Link: Established | Telepathic Strength: Weak ~ {49oN}>
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In the short time that passed, it felt as if the world pressed pause on us, or perhaps it was I who pressed pause on myself. Before long, I finally had a response I long awaited yet never expected this soon, the buzzing psionic signature from Reed, weak as it was visible to my mind. "Reed!" I knew what I felt was the real thing, unimagined and certain.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzy0EABVsuI
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"Lumina!" Reed replied back in desperation, just as our senses began to blend together, though with the struggles of a weak connection, expected in his current fatigue.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlilrOIRXah
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"Thank god you are okay!" I dispensed with telepathic thought, using my physical voice instead, only to express how relieved I was to hear from him again, to know he was alive, to know he was okay all this time!"I don't know what happened. You had my so worried Reed!"82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKQlXvPj7v
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Even now, after confirming all would be okay, I felt myself shaking slightly, my own voice trembling from the uncertainty I've been battered with, and my sisters could hear it too. As relieved as I felt, when Reed did try talking to me again, I caught onto the sense that something was still amiss.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLvnOTriDg
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"I'm fine now..." Reed didn't say more, and though his thought-space was more silent than the winds around him. Reed let his eyes float adrift to the beautiful cloudscape above us.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHhFoKOkyp
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"You seem kind of drained. The connection isn't very powerful either. Maybe you should take some more time to rest. I'll be just fine waiting, knowing that you are safe." Even now, my heart was beating faster than it should, but I stifled every thought of desperation to hold him close, something I wanted so much right now. Reed... So long as he will be okay after all, I can wait for weeks if that's what it takes for him to recover... But then what was it exactly that afflicted him?82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAmXZwcCWG
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"Thanks, but no thanks. I've been resting for the past hour now. And right now, I need you to help me figure out what the hell that was back there."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJX90JjFtD
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He doesn't remember? Surely he knows something happened to even ask, but this complicates things. If Reed has no idea what happened to him, then how will I ever know? "I don't know much more than you. What parts of it do you remember?" Glad as I am to know it wasn't something Reed did intentionally, the mystery deepens.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EbM22tIkn
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"All of it, strangely." So he does remember? That's unusual in itself. However, I don't think Reed realizes that I can't make any sense out of what episode I witnessed a moment ago. I've never seen anything like it before in a single human. The rage was familiar for other humans, though it was intentional and conscious, unlike his trip off the deep end of sanity. "Except, I wasn't really myself once I lost my temper, nor I do know why it happened. All I know is, I lost control of myself somehow."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7M6bbRySP
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"That's scary on its own Reed..." One element of the news already started to bug me; that the very prospect of this moment meant it could in theory happen once more. "Man, I really hope this isn't some after effect of the purge that affects only men and not women." Silly as it sounded rolling off my own tongue, I couldn't shake the words of my great queen as she spoke to us earlier. The fact is, the purge can have lasting effects on a human, mostly psychological. I've heard horror stories of so many crazy human ailments, sicknesses of the mind rather than the body, sicknesses that can even bend and warp one's own perception of reality altogether. Reed... You aren't one of those people, right? You aren't a person who needs lifetimes of therapy and medication just to function like a normal person, right? I reassured myself as much as I could, but the seeds of doubt brought me down still, just as it did that my purge could have brought this on, the guilt I now bear should it be true.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUa1x8fog6P
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For a moment, Reed and I enjoyed and suffered in the few seconds of peace we heard in the winds outside his little school, just before he revealed to me that this attack was one of a second instance, not a first. "If this happened to you before, why didn't you tell me?" Maybe Reed knows that something is wrong, enough to understand that something in his mind is broken, but not enough to know what that something is.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzfzGD7CCQ
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"I did tell you, back on the bus on our first day. I had some kind of rage attack that never went explained. I let it go when you told me all about what the purge could have done, and that things always happen for a reason." His words cut deeper than I expected it to. Even he suspects the purge might be responsible given the matched timing of it all. What hurt me the most, was that he tried to tell me something as important as this, and somehow I brushed it off and forgot about it. Did I mean to come back to it later? Maybe I was so focused on getting him to trust me that I didn't press for enough details, me and my selfishness.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzugmMIVfw
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"I never knew it was this bad Reed..." I'd say sorry, but I don't deserve an acceptance of apology right now. Still, if he knew all along that this was something that could happen to him again, I wonder what it was like; anticipating a level of temporary insanity without reason for it. The only thing I can try to do is make it better, and the only way to do that is to try understanding what it all means. "Can you think back to what set this off in the first place?"82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIDxJjRueI
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"I wish I knew. All I remember from the last attack is that I got really angry, and eventually lost all self-control." I could see and feel Reed struggling even now, holding fingers to his forehead in an epic struggle to recall memories too vague to learn anymore from.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKI8ZRQQpJ
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Even if he doesn't remember, I can never forget. It didn't make much sense to me either. I could faintly recall Reed's own thoughts accelerating, but I couldn't directly pick up on what he was thinking. It was as if I didn't even exist to him, during that moment anyway. "Rage without control is very dangerous. You were lucky not to hurt anybody." Like I'm one to talk... All of these times, I've been rejoicing in the idea that Reed might one day take our hatred of heathens to a new level, and attack one in the name of The Unity... But now that I think about it, it would never change anything for either of us. Reed would only get himself into trouble, possibly go to prison, for something I've only been encouraging... How many more mistakes am I going to make in such a short time?82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zpHtSns0y
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The moment of Reed's pains kept replaying in my mind on infinite loop, revealing to me all of the shifted priorities we've had since the beginning of this. I should have been here for Reed in every step of every moment, and though I tried, I failed to uphold such a promise. Even if this is all something triggered from a physical issue, it was my purge that brought it on in the first place; I'm sure of it. I don't know what to think anymore, to wonder if I'm really a good influence in his life or a worse one.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwL12HZgwTK
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Instead of bringing up my own woes with him, I instead tried to learn more about his condition. Reed told me more, about how he became partially paralyzed by the very end of this attack, in a manner most painful to his body. I realized it already, but Reed was only now coming to terms with the idea that this will surely happen again.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEw99in0Es
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"It better not happen again! I don't want it to happen again. That was awful! And it happened at school of all places."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtes7OTTa0W
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"I just don't understand why it happened..." It's the one question nobody can seem to answer. I doubt the Royal Scryers would even know, but I'm not in the mood to spill all of these personal details to them in the first place... Yet another epiphany he is helping me understand, something humans value so preciously, a sense of security inside themselves, something they call privacy. To atone, I must figure this out for him, for Reed's sake alone. "Did anything like this ever happen to you before the purge? Really think back as far as you can."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKnxkE4Zz1
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"Nothing. Nothing at all relates to this moment. I can't think of a reason why I would lose control of my entire thought process to such length."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRjFWikvvq
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"But you were upset about not having something to do. Maybe that was your own way of warning yourself that there was some other problem." It was the strangest thing I noticed today. Reed quickly became obsessed with having something to do, something to feed his insatiable hunger for mental activity. I've seen people trapped in boredom before, but nothing that ever warranted such a response.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKFZOWjV2K
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"I always want something to do, it's not exclusive only to today. I like to work out stuff in my head, or to have something worthy for all my thoughts to concentrate on. As long as I am doing something, math, reading, homework, whatever; I'm totally fine. But if I get bored, I kind of get angry because of it, which usually motivates me to find something else to do."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcg9UwcuxIa
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But Reed, to what scales does this reach? It isn't normal to crave so much mental activity, that raging insanity is the length one would go to for its reach. Is Reed trying to tell me that this mentality of his is his default, that he requires such feed of thought just to function normally? I of course asked him if this anger he gets in the failure of leisure is one and the same, though he told me differently.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1yU8MHoDM
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Even so, everything kept pointing to something more psychological than physical, as much as I wanted to deny it. I've had Altiri scryers tell me before that every single mind is different and unique, and that when it comes to human beings, this level of uniqueness has a wide net of variance. The complexities of the mind could be infinite, and it's no stretch to say that some minds simply cannot handle a purge, even if the body and brain can. "Reed. Do you have any kind of specific disorders or medical conditions of any kind? Anything at all, even if they aren't harmful?"82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡle1phe8ViB
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In a stutter, Reed reported just one specific ailment, which made me nervous before he could finish his thought. "Well, actually, I have ADD if that's worth mentioning, but it doesn't cause too many problems for me."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjcFkoe6CE
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ADD? I've heard of this one before. It's similar to... Right! There is ADHD and ADD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder respectively. The psychology society keeps changing the meaning here and there, but if I remember right, ADD would mean that Reed is hyperactive, particularly with his mind and not his body.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUgfC2DjtI
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Is that still enough though, enough to be a problem affected by a purge? I can't be sure, but the scryers would certainly think so. In a short moment, my own horrifying thoughts started to spark and leak through, evident that this mostly likely is my fault, something unknown and new, caused by the purge I sent!82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGZU6fCT4M
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"I can't believe this! What have I done?!"82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3WBvxeHuy
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I ignored the mirrored panic surfacing in Reed, for I was being crushed by my own guilt, now proven in the wake of such news. I started having two daunting conversations at the same time, one where I got Reed to tell me more about what ADD feels like, while some of my sisters were trying to reassure me, unsuccessfully that everything would be okay.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kSgud6OLD
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"It cannot be helped Lumina. If Reed has a mental ailment condition after all, then there is nothing anyone can do to cure or treat it, in most cases."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5PDreBOnn
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"But it was my purge that send that condition out of control, Ashiela! His thoughts are rapid, accelerating to a level which he cannot control, and my purge made it happen!" They proceeded to tell me that there was no proof of this, something even I suspected. There wasn't proof that the purge was or wasn't involved, and no way to bring about such proof, only correlation.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthruHYLGor
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Of course, I also got to hear the usual attitude from Hurma. "So what if he is distressed by it all? All I keep hearing ever since this purge cycle finished was how worried everyone is about Reed. Lumina, no offense, but you're become a complete mess of your former self."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYN06GRISvm
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"I don't have time to hear another one of your lectures Hurma. I need to know what I can do for Reed's ADD condition."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETvhplo0p4
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While Hurma ignored us, Reed tried to explain it better to me. "If I'm concentrating on something mentally stimulating, like a good book, something I'm writing, or even a good videogame, I get this incredible sensation in my head, should I do it long enough. It activates this kind of alertness to my brain, and it feels really good. It also prevents all of my thoughts from flying off tangents. Instead of being distracted by random facts or daydreams, I can focus all of them on whatever task I find interesting."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuUxEl1HQ3
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So his thoughts are rapid all the time, since even before the purge? All of the time he spends reflecting on the world and upon himself, all the moments he uses glaring those eyes into what appears to be some alternate world, all of that is just his thought processes on speed? That inexplicable look of wonder I always see on Reed 's face, ever since he was just a child, was this the entire explanation for it all, that it was nothing more than some mysterious mental health condition? "I never knew this about you." I wanted to deny it, reassure myself that what I saw in Reed was far deeper than a mere abnormality of the mind. In all this time in examining the complexities of the brain, I've somehow been left in the dark about so much. If anything is possible to such length, then there isn't really a way to be sure if the purge did this or not.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNVu2s0WU8
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I should focus on what to do next though, as I know Reed is struggling to learn right now, even in his weakened state. He won't admit it, but I know this scares the living hell out of him; it did for me earlier. If such horrific rage can come of boredom, what else is possible with that same mind? Are there other mental secrets in Reed neither of us know about yet?82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvsi4q9a4y
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"You there Lumina?"82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Lt3vwQ1vE
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"Yeah... I just don't know exactly what to do here. If your boredom is the trigger for these attacks, you're going to have to thwart that sensation before it can get worse."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvBky7ESzI
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Reed proceeded to give me the rick roll on how difficult that would be even if he put all efforts onto it. His thought processes are more intense than they ever were before, this much I can feel within our own telepathy. His ADD condition is obviously powerful, and while he has partial control of it, this condition has clearly been getting stronger over time. His thoughts become more rapid or numerous, more intense with power and emotion. If he can't learn to control this, then another attack will happen again. Thrilled as I am to learn that the attacks are not lethal, they can still do permanent damage to his very own reputation in school, assuming it hasn't tanked already.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5LiMiJ4Q6
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No matter what I said or tried to invoke for advice, Reed's pessimism would kick in; always would he have a means to counter any possibility of helping himself, well-founded as his realism was to the nature around him. It's a no-brainer that zero other humans around him would understand his current condition, especially when Reed nor I understand it too well ourselves, and much like Reed has put it, we're all still just guessing; all we have to go on right now are theories, not certainties. The very idea of going to a therapist for this terrifies him and myself both, for who are they to understand the same complexities we face now? I've been trying to convince Reed for weeks now that he isn't insane, that me and the Altiri are all real... I won't have some hack of a doctor undo the few threads holding Reed together. I don't expect anyone in the school to understand him either, not even to try, though it equally amazes me how easy it is if only one does try... It makes me ask, why am I the only one who cares enough to understand what Reed is going through? Am I really the only one who cares about him?82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJV619BEJV
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"On top of that, it happened right there in gym too, in front of all those people. The entire school is going to think I'm insane now, regardless of their knowledge of Altiri."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoZ4XRDcpC
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"Maybe some of the others will finally leave you alone then." I of course referred to specific individuals in Reed's background, a particular group he sits with despite getting insufficient respect from them, Banarus's group. They are somehow a vivid example of the very thing we both worry about now, when it comes to who does and doesn't care. As negative as Reed is, he is only this way because he can easily see and read the truth in many other people, even if he doesn't fully understand who they are inside. Reed doesn't yet realize that on a good day, I can do the very same.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjrShsRNm9
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Maybe my way of thinking is partial, biased, and childish, but I know of this one truth. Reed's own parents love him very much, but even they do not fully understand him. They make generalizations without any critical thought instead, enough times already for Reed to intentionally distance himself from their parental scope so that it can't happen anymore. It's not as if the entire world is against anyone, but the entire world isn't really on anyone's side either. When all is said and done, how many times have people in his life gone out of their way to help Reed, or to love him, or to ensure with absolution that they understand him?82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVgjvw0ema
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Even I don't know everything about him yet, but I can already tell that he welcomes me to try. It's how he is. Reed will invite anyone to learn more about him, wear his heart on his chest if he could, so long as he deems a possibility of others picking up on those feelings and identifying with him. But for those he deems incapable of the task, he builds walls between them instead. It's already happened many times with his mother, and lately the same has been happening with the group of Banarus's friends, the people Reed always sits with even when he doesn't want to.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUAthwhNBs
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He hasn't put such a wall in front of me yet... Should I take this to mean that he wants me to stay with him longer, that he wants me to know everything about him? As amazing as it would feel, I still don't want to conclude as much too soon, though it brings those thoughts to my own awareness, curious as I am know why it would feel so good in the first place.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXJXT7a17h
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I learn things about myself too in the process, just as I make my own mistakes without realizing it. It feels amazing to be so honest and open with someone else, but in doing so, my words slip from me in ways they shouldn't, careless as I am in some moments. My very own statement to Reed had the opposite feeling for him as it currently did for me, as it was also an affirmation that few if any would or could ever understand what he was going through, the stress of it all heightened by my own presence no less. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that Reed." I couldn't take the words back though. Reed knew already that he couldn't trust in the very people he surrounds himself with, and instead of helping him make friends, I've only shaken his trust in others.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQ9W9nKDJW
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Reed didn't hold it against me, but his explanation was sluggish and lazy too, reminding us both what ordeal he just went through. "Look Lumina. I'm really exhausted after this. I'm glad I was able to call you after that hell, but right now, I need to hang up and get some rest."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5skhHHeQX
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"Okay." I've got no choice but to end this connection and allow Reed to nurse himself back to full strength, but leaving him without either of us solving the riddle of this unknown ailment left me restless. "Please take it easy for the rest of today. Don't do anything stupid."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQN85jhGjY
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"You know I won't."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ocjPo6Ece
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"I..." Reed... I want to say it now, to tell him how I really feel, too uncertain if I'll ever really see him again. It took nearly everything in me to resist, and I had to remind myself that giving him any more stress was the worst possible thing I could do for him now... Even if he never feels the same way I do right now, I can't tell him; I can't take the risk that he would drift into a pattern I'd rather him not drift into, for it is in his own nature to be that way. "We'll talk again soon, alright?" If I can't share how much I want to know him more, the least I can do is hope for the promise of a future connection, of more time we could spend together. It's all I want; these two futures to coexist together, for Reed to be happy, and for me to be part of his life.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNAjx3AJyqC
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"Yeah," he whispered gently into my mind. "See you around." His softness was but another indication of his growing fatigue, so I didn't force him to bear the burden and load of this connection any longer.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsycDA59dym
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However, just as our connection came to an end, contrary to what I thought after being assured that Reed was safe in the immediate moment, every aspect of him was more on my mind now than ever before. How much I wished to fast-forward through time and connect with him again, even if our words shared are part of mindless chatter! How I dream of the moment where I can live through his senses again, the beauty in their difference, in our telepathic synch.82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBlXJdBidH
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"Oh Lumina."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZanJhte0AA
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I nervously peeked at Junko's reaction, certain she somehow knew of the contradictions within my own personal space. She didn't have to read my mind, for my heart was an open book for her own sister. "We'll figure it out Junko. It won't be easy, but Reed will be okay."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDp9m6NURv
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Not wanting to upset Hurma again, Junko didn't spell it out entirely, but somehow, she and I both knew what was going on, the very thing I promised not to let happen too soon. "I sure hope you know what you're doing."82Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHSDV7BByC
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It was a wish we both shared, that somehow, everything would work itself out. I can't help how I feel anymore, the gravity in my heart too much to ascend from. Yet I need to be careful, less I risk losing everything all at the same time. My desires keep growing, my wishes becoming mixed between shifting priorities... How selfish of me to signify others with the same label, when even I start to grow my own agenda, my own separate wish, one that goes against what Reed would want. I can't believe I already feel this way, confusing as it keeps making me. It's a blessing and a curse, something that could destroy me, yet something that makes me feel more alive than ever before.
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