Granny decided that I would be a girl. She did not even ask me what I wanted. As she was talking, I was thinking how confusing it all was. I knew that I had the wrong body and should have a girls body. How could God make such a mistake, and would others understand this? The fact was that I was now going to be a girl and live as a girl.
Granny spent a week buying new clothes for me. She must have used a lot of money because the clothes were so pretty. They were of course all girl clothes. Now I had every from petticoat dresses, summer dresses, T-shirts, shorts, panties, tights, cute socks. You name it, I had it. I had pretty clothes like any other girl in the country. It was so exciting. I was not even sad when we had to get rid of my boy clothes. Granny said that they were donated to charity, so some boys could use them and be happy.
I was wearing a belly top and skirt with tights one day, and my brothers thought that it was funny. Granny explained that is how girls dressed. My brothers could not stop laughing. When granny went to do something, they told me that I should never think that I was a girl. I was a boy that wore dresses and belly tops. I would never be a girl, except a sissy. I could see that my brothers thought that I was weird. I was afraid that they were ashamed of me. I also thought that if they thought I was just a boy dressing as a girl, what would others think? I was about to start preschool. Would I make friends?
It didn't take me long to adjust to the life of being a girl. I quickly considered myself a girl and loved everything about it. I loved the clothes and I loved my toys, especially my dolls and dollhouse. I loved when I helped granny do things like bake and cook. I even liked to help to clean. I was nearly spoiled by granny. Even when I was out shopping with Granny, her friends thought that I was cute and granny was so lucky to have a granddaughter.
It was time for me to do the advertisement. I was looking forward to it, thinking that I would be wearing pretty dresses. The photos were taken at a big warehouse. I was so nervous. I had no clue how to be a model. However, the people there were nice. Granny and I were sent to a changing room. Granny told them that she would help me get changed. They all thought I was a girl. Granny did not want them to know what my body looked like. I was shocked about what I had to wear. It was a pretty white nightdress with lace sleeves. There was also a diaper. I told Granny that there was no way that I would be wearing a diaper. After a lot of protesting, Granny persuaded me to do it. She told me that Shirley Temple started her career when she was just wearing a diaper in films.
Wearing a diaper was so strange. It was bulky and when I walked and it made a crinkly noise. The nightdress did not hide it, so needless to say, the photos were not so good at the start. I was so embarrassed and was doing everything to hide the diaper. The photographer explained to me that the advertisement was for a bedwetter. Many children and teens wet the bed. I was helping these boys and girls. I should not be ashamed. So I found what courage I could and posed the way he wanted me to. I had to play with dolls, then go to bed. Then I pretended to wake up and smiled when I felt my sheets were dry. When I got out of bed to give this lady who was supposed to be my mum a hug while I continued to smile. The photographer praised me saying that I was a cute girl.
The ad convinced Granny that I was on my way to fame. So we had to start practising. Granny thought we should be a band and this would bring us closer together as a family. We spent a lot of time practising, but I loved singing. I still did not understand fame, so I was happy just singing. The same could not be said about my brothers. They hated their status as backup singers, and this made them hate me more than they did. Every time we practised, they would complain that they wanted to go out and play.
It was time that I started with pre-school. I was excited about this as it meant that I could be with children my age. I did not have to worry about being famous or having big expectations placed upon me. I could play and not worry about practising or learning new songs.
This is what I hoped for. The other children in pre-school were not very nice. They heard that I was a boy, but could not understand why a boy wore girl clothes. I did not know how they knew the truth but suspected my brothers told their friends and the news spread around the school. My classmates asked if I was a boy, and did not believe them when I said that I was a girl. No one wanted to play with me. I would be alone when there was time to play.
I thought it would help when my hair grew. I was so happy the day that granny put my hair in a ponytail and thought this would sort out all the problems at school. It just made things worse. Everyone was calling me weird and a sissy.
I thought that there was something wrong with me. My brothers never wanted to be with me nor did anyone at school. This can only mean that I was a person that for some reason did not like. I had no clue as to why a person would not like me. However, it meant that I now hated going to pre-school. The more I got teased at school, the more that I was convinced that I was too weird to be there. My self-esteem was now being eroded every time I went there.
I noticed the other children made deals about playdates at each other's houses. No one ever asked me. This was just a confirmation that no one considered me good enough to be their friend. This hurt me a lot and I would often cry when I was in bed at night praying to God that someone wanted to have a playdate with me. I knew that this was a lot to ask for, as I should just settle for one person liking me.
It's not as if I had time for playdates. Granny wanted me to practice a lot. This meant dancing, singing and learning new songs. She wanted me to have more than talent. She wanted me to sparkle when I performed. She called it the x-factor. Despite that Granny was demanding and that practising was hard, I loved it. It was an escape for me. I would pretend that thousands of people were looking and they liked me. Singing was like I was being set free and showing myself that I did have a talent. I was sure that the other children in the pre-school could not sing.
The bedwetting ad came out. I never expected that it would be on TV, magazines, newspapers and even billboards. Everyone could now see me in a diaper. This did not bring fame, it made my life worse. It started with my brothers that teased me, telling me I would be famous for being a bedwetter. They were right. Everyone at school called me a bedwetter. They did not believe me when I told them that I was not. I was now known as the school baby.
My brothers hated when we had to practice. It did not help that they did not have the best voices. It was mostly Ronny, who was 12 years old that did not like practising. Cameron (who was 10) slowly started taking an interest in how we should perform. He just did not want to be on the stage. It was also Ronny that was mean to me. He used every opportunity to call me names and it was clear he did not like me. Cameron did not become a friend because we practised, but he did not tease as Ronny did.
The teacher wanted to talk one day to me. Her name is Miss Riordan. She wanted to know if it was true that I was transgendered. I never heard this word before and she asked bluntly if I had a boys body. I explained that I was a girl, but God made a mistake when he gave me a boys body. I thought that I was in trouble and started crying. Miss Riordan hugged me and said I was too young to know my identity, and God did not make mistakes. That's all that was said and done. She did not talk with granny or the class about it. After she spoke with me, I was so afraid of what she would do. It seems that she did not like the idea that I considered myself a girl.
Granny wanted to set the wheels in motion for my fame, so she decided to go to Dublin to find an agent to help my career. I was not all that excited about it as I did not know what an agent was and what he could do. I was excited that we would be living with Grannys friend while granny was in Dublin. Her name was Mrs Aries and she was older than granny! She lived close by. She welcomed my brothers and me with open hands and promised that we would have fun.
Things were bad when Mrs Aries found some money that she had was gone. A big argument started between Mrs Aries and my brothers, where she accused them of stealing the money. She did not understand how anyone could steal from an old woman. My brothers had no defence and I wondered why they were not arrested. My brother did not seem to care. They just ran out to play.
Granny came back from Dublin and was not very happy. The agent told her that it would take too much work to run a kids band. There were already so many that were also famous, like the Jackson 5. Granny decided that we will keep practising. Fame was a long and narrow road, but she was determined to respect moms wish. She was still very optimistic, as she said I was in one ad, and this would lead to better things!
I did not like Granny when she talked about mom or dad. I would go to my room and cry because I missed mom so much. I also missed Dad, but I knew that he was ashamed of me and did not want to be with me. It reminded me all the time that it was my fault that my parents were dead. I still had nightmares about my parents arguing about me and then the car crash. I never told anyone about this, as my brothers would just say that I was seeking attention!
So life was now that I was teased and bullied at school. Even my teacher looked at me as if I was some freak. Ronny teased me at every chance he could. I knew that granny loved me, but I also knew that she was using me to accomplish moms dreams.
Practising was still fun. This was despite that granny would tell us again and again how we should sing, how we should dance and how we should sparkle. It was also annoying that we had to wait for my brothers, as they would often come late. I thought we could be much better if we were all dedicated, worked together and were nice to each other. My brothers did not care, and this frustrated Granny more!
I was the smallest at preschool. This did not help my status as a sissy baby. Granny explained that some children were just not tall. She also started to give me some tablets that she had imported from China. She warned me not to tell anyone that I took these tablets, as they were not approved. She explained that they would help my body become more feminine. I was not old enough to understand what she was giving me, so I just took them.
To be continued
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