I wasn’t ready for tonight. I wasn’t ready to see Katy in the hospital, on her deathbed because of me. I was terrified to see her like that, but since Dawn insisted that I go and see Katy before it’s too late, here I am. The shit I agree to out of love...
“She’s dying, Kota,” Dawn said for the fourth time that evening, trying to convince me to visit my ex-best friend. I mean, I did want to see her, but I feared Jackson. Of every single fucked up thing he did since we met. I didn’t want him to hurt me, and since I almost murdered the love of his life, that was probably the only thing on his mind. He absolutely loathed me, and I understood why. I deserved it. I was a monster, and he was right to tell me every time we talked. “Won’t you at least say bye to her? Before...”
I groaned, hanging my head. “He’ll kill me, D. He hates me.”
“I won’t let him hurt you,” she says, putting her hand on my shoulder, comfortingly. I hug her tightly, while she rubbed my back.
“Thank you,” I say, smiling faintly, pulling away after a few minutes.
“I love you, Kota.”
“I love you, too, Dawn. I’m just... I’m terrified. Not just of Jackson, but of facing the damage I did to Katy. I put her on her deathbed. She’s dying because of me.”
She nods, tears in her eyes. Dawn was an empath, so she could feel the pain I felt. She was able to tell if something was wrong. That’s a reason I love her so much. Because she’s the first person I was able to fully connect with.
**Chapter Break**
It was around midnight when we got to the hospital. I waited for four hours, trying to find the courage to go, but eventually Dawn convinced me to go, insisting that it was the most important thing in my life. That if I didn’t agree, eventually I would regret it.
“I’m not ready,” I half-heartedly protest for the last time as we stand outside the hospital room. Dawn had us pick up flowers for Jackson and Katy, in hopes that she’ll live. I knew she wouldn’t, but I was too afraid to admit it.
She looks at me and gives me an understanding glace. “I know, Kota, but you can do this, okay?”
“No,” I say, stubbornly. I wasn’t always so stubborn, but I’m about to see my best friend for the last time, so I get a little leeway this time. I couldn’t believe that this was really happening. She wasn’t really dying. This was all a hoax. A trick to get back at me for attacking her. I deserved to be deceived. But deep down, I knew this wasn’t a joke. She was dying. And it was all my fault.
“Kota, please,” Dawn begged, putting her free hand on my shoulder, holding the flowers in the other. “It’s okay. I spoke to Jackson, and he said that Katy desperately wanted to see you. Please. Go see her. Please, for me.”
I cried a little as she pleaded with me. “I-I... okay. I can do this...”
No more delaying. No more putting it off. I have to do this. I can do this. Those were the thoughts I had as I slowly turned the doorknob, subconsciously taking my time, pushing the door open slowly. There, across the room, Katy was quietly and weakly laughing at something Jackson said to her. “I’d really like that, Jay,” she says, adoringly, tears in her eyes. “I want to do all of that with you.” They hadn’t noticed that Dawn and I had walked into the room until I grab the flowers from Dawn and set them down on the table across the room from the bed.
“Kota,” Katy says, weakly, feebly smiling at me. “You came,” she croaked, reaching for me. I slowly, hesitantly moved towards her, so relieved that I was holding my best friend. Even in the current circumstances, I was so happy to be here with her.
“Yes, of course, K. You’re one of my best friends...” As I was saying it, I felt as though I was lying. Because best friends don’t try to kill each other.
She smiles, seemingly unaware of the fear I felt. “I missed you,” she says, sleepily. “Why didn’t you come visit me sooner?”
I sigh. No excuse would be valid in this situation. I was being a shitty friend and she was upset about it. “I was scared,” I say, honestly.
“Of me?” She questions, even more upset. Her emotions were more fragile than they used to be because she was scared too.
“No, no,” I say, hastily. “I... I was scared... of seeing you like this. I was... I was scared Jackson.”
She looks towards her boyfriend, confused. “What do you mean? What did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything,” I lie, remembering what he did do, “I’m scared that he hates me now. Now that I did this to you.”
She looks back to me, tilting her head a little, like she always did when she wanted to assure someone that it was okay to feel that way. “He doesn’t hate you, Kota. He knows you never meant to hurt me.”
“But at the time, I did mean to hurt you. I did try to hurt you, Katy. I know it was so wrong, but I can’t change the fact that you’re in here because of me.”
She smiles slightly, nodding. “Yes, but... never mind.” She says, blushing a little, and I catch her glancing at Jackson, biting her lip gently. “Hey, baby,” she says to Jack, smiling at him, “can you reach into my backpack and grab a red envelope?”
He looks up from his phone, and nods, smiling. A few minutes later, his hand reaches out of the backpack, envelope equipped.
I look at the notes confused, and she hands me it, smiling up at me. “Read this when...” she pauses, searching for the words to say, but I knew what she meant.
“I will,” I promise, smiling, trying not to cry again. I could feel Dawn’s velvet lips press against the back of my neck, running shivers down my spine, giving me a tingling sensation, causing me to suck in a deep breathe. I’d never been this... touchy with a girl before, especially so close to my ex. It scared me, but somehow, I also loved it. Which was... unsettling but fuck it. She was the girl I loved, and I didn’t care what my brain wanted me to fear. I was in love with my best friend... oh I was in for a nasty surprise.
“Hey, Katy. I want to say... I’m really sorry... and... when you... I hope you’ll be... more at peace.”
She smiles, sweetly. “I’ll be okay,” she promises, putting her hand up to my cheek as Dawn moves away from me, still holding my hand. Dawn and Jackson leave the room to see Katy’s parents before...
I accidentally bump Katy’s arm and I see thin cuts all along her arm. I gasp out in shock, moving away from her.
“No,” I say, tearing up. “You didn’t... tell me you didn’t...”
“I-it’s not what you think... please Dakota,” she begs, trying to hide her cuts. “Dakota, please it’s not what you think...” she pleads desperately.
“Then what is it?” I shriek at her, even more mortified.
“I’m so sorry... I’m sorry,” she cries, looking down at her hands.
“When did you do this?” I ask, trying not to scream.
“The first night I woke up... I... I stole a scalpel from the doctors... and I cut... just twice that night. Every night I’ve been here I’ve run off to the restroom... and I... I cut.”
“You’re an idiot,” I say, angry that I don’t know why she’s cutting herself. She doesn’t feel guilty, does she? That she fucked my boyfriend while I was with him? I bet she feels proud of herself.
“Please don’t hate me,” she begs, crying more.
I sigh, relaxing a little bit. “I don’t hate you. I’m angry because I literally can’t lose you, Katy. I can’t.”
“Okay...” she says, quietly, kissing my forehead. Tears fall on my cheek as my heart hurts for an odd reason. Was it guilt? Was it the fact that I felt like I was cheating on Dawn? I don’t know anymore...
**Chapter Break**
It’s been twenty minutes since I left the room to get snacks for Katy and I. I had to remove myself from the room because my anxiety was kicking in again. As soon as I felt the hole in my chest burn, I left the room and needed a distraction. Dakota and Jackson were still out, and when I called them last, they told me they were on the way to Katy’s parents’ house.
I wasn’t really worried about Katy now. She was healing fine. Her skin was livelier. So why did my instincts tell me to check on her?
I opened the door and found Katy on the ground, fresh cuts in her arms, legs, and bare stomach. bleeding profusely. Gasping, she reaches for me, and I instantly start my anxiety attack again. “Katy!” I scream, rushing to her, putting pressure on her main artery to stop the bleeding. Completely naked, cuts covered about 10% of her body. How the hell did she do this in twenty minutes? I start freaking out, screaming at her to stay with me.
“Stay with me! Oh, my god! Please, Katy!” I begged, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Stay with me! I need help! I need a doctor!” I scream at the door. “Fuck, Katy! Stay with me, god damnit!”
The doctors rush into the room as Katy struggles to breathe. I had to fight with the doctors to save my best friend’s life, until I give up, clawing at my hair, going insane with worry.
I didn’t stop screaming at Katy and the doctors until I feel Dawn pull me out of the room. “Shh, shh it’ll be okay,” she promises, hugging me tightly as Jackson tries to maintain his composure, eventually breaking down into tears as well.
“I’m so fucking stupid!” I cried out in agony.
“No, you’re not,” Dawn says, trying to stay strong, visibly struggling too. “Don’t you call yourself stupid, Dakota,” she says with a small authority in her voice. “This is not your fault.”
“If...if I was there with her,,, I would’ve been able to stop this. She wouldn’t be dying right now if I wasn’t so fucking insane!!”
She looks down, not knowing what to say. “I know...” She hugs me for the final time that night.
I wish I could take this away. I wish I could leave the world behind. But I promised her that I wouldn’t hurt myself. I promised I would be okay. She told me she was okay, and we would be able to become friends again... so why did she have to be so fucking selfish? I hate her so fucking much!
God, I hate making promises...
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