“Kota?” I heard someone ask as my blurred vision clears slowly. “Can you hear me? "I could feel myself trembling, a side-effect of my anxiety attacks.
“Dawn? What’re you doing here?” I asked, still unsure of where I was.
Dawn Jasper; one of my best friends from my childhood, even longer than Katy and I. Black hair, brown eyes. Her skin was pale, almost ghostly, but her appearance didn’t frighten me. In fact, it did the opposite. It attracted me to her because I knew I could show her my flaws without being judged, as she knew she could with me. I don’t remember coming here, though. Wherever “here” was…
She seems confused by my question. “Uhm… I live here?” She says, her tone curving into a question near the end. “Remember? You wanted to sleep over, after…what happened, and we fell asleep after listening to music and you told me what was going on.”
I sigh, looking down at my pajamas, pink hearted bottoms and a black top. I nod, remembering that “graceful” night like it was only yesterday. “Oh…yeah. Sorry. I’m just under a lot of stress lately.”
She nods, hugging me, which she knew she didn’t have to ask for because she could tell when I needed one. In the past few months, we’ve known each other, we’ve had a much greater connection than what Jackson and I had. Dawn and I have so much of a connection, she can tell when I’m lying, she can sense when I’m needing help with my anxiety (which is a ton lately), and she can make me feel better with a hug, or just the vibe she gives me. I love her and she loves me, but I’m sure the affection I have for her is not romantic. We’re family. That’s all… right?
“Another anxiety attack?” She asks, snapping me back to reality.
I nod, trembling a little still, playing a loose string on my bottoms. “I’m sorry for scaring you,” I say, quietly, holding back my tears.
“Oh, don’t apologize, kay? It’s okay. I’m always here for you.”
This melted my heart. I knew she’d be there for me, even if she knew exactly what went down that night on the phone. And at the park. She knew everything about these moments. How terrible I felt after I attacked Katy. How hurt I was when I found out that my best friend was in critical care.
My mind was overwhelmed. Was I dreaming? Was Dawn even real? How could she be? I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve the warmth she made me feel. But she gave me comfort and hope, nevertheless.
“Why are you comforting me right now, Dawn? I don’t deserve this… I don’t deserve you, or anyone else. I deserve to feel alone. I deserve to be feared. I don’t deserve to live anymore.” I was breathing heavily from my rant, my anxiety peaking again. I break into tears, sobbing into my arms, sitting across from her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable with holding me any longer. I started trembling again and she puts her hand on my shoulder. I fight the urge to move away, denying that I really liked her touch.
“Because,” she starts, smiling at me, “if you’re going through shit, I’m here to help. I know you’ve done, frankly, horrible things in the past, but it’s just that. The past. You shouldn’t let yourself dwell on it. Once you allow yourself to forgive yourself and move on, you’ll be on the right track to happiness.” She was looking me straight in the eye the whole time she laid that out for me. “I know you can do it. You just to trust the process. All the pieces will align eventually, okay?”
I nod, pouting towards the floor. She was great at giving advice that made me think. It probably comes with age, given she’s two years older than me, so she has more life experience than me.
“I’m sorry for being so harsh, but you really need to know that the world isn’t going to end. You need to understand that, yes, you fucked up, but you can learn to pick yourself up again.”
I hug her, tighter than ever before. “Thank you,” was all I said, too numb to say anything else.
“Always,” she responds, somewhat snuggling into my chest, which for some reason I didn’t mind.
I looked down at her, moving up against her bed, slightly adjusting with her. She smelled amazing and I couldn’t help but blush when she smiled up at me. That’s when it dawned on me.
I’m in love with my best friend. I couldn’t tell her though. That’d ruin everything. But I can’t just do nothing about it. What am I supposed to do?
“Hey, Kota?” she said, smiling, taking my hand into hers gently.
“Hm?” I mumble, speechless at how gorgeous she is and how beautiful her voice is. I looked down at our hands, and my heart picked up.
“What would you like for dinner?” The random question makes me burst out laughing, which is strange given the circumstances. “Sorry, we just fell asleep before we had anything, and if you remember, my parents left us here to hang out while they went out.”
I smile more and more as she speaks. “It’s okay. It was just random is all. You can cook?”
She shrugs, blushing at the ground. “A little. I’m no cook like my mom, though.”
I smile brightly at her. “I’d love for you to surprise me. Cook whatever you’d like. I’m not allergic to anything, so I’m the perfect candidate to try your home-cooked meal.” I say, giggling a little.
She chuckles, kissing my forehead, comfortingly like she always did when I was hurting, before letting her hand slip from my grasp. “Would you like to come with me?” She asks, noticing how my hand had reached up towards hers again.
I nod, quickly, blushing. “Yes, please,” I say, standing up and following her out the door, our hands still intertwined as she led me into the kitchen.
As she lets go of my hand when I get to the table in front of the island in the kitchen, I almost fall towards her, wanting her touch again, but I restrain myself and just looking at her, my chin in my hands, watching her cook.
“Why’re you staring at me like that?” She asks, sweetly, turning away from me, grabbing something from a cabinet.
I blink a few times to stop stare. “S-sorry. I just… it’s nothing. I didn’t realize.”
“It’s okay. I understand.” She says, adding a spice to the food.
“You do?” I ask, carefully treading these waters.
“Yeah. You do that sometimes. I get it.”
Phew, I thought, mentally giving myself a high-five, my heart race. “Yeah, sorry.”
She smiles, returning to cooking, which smells absolutely amazing.
**Chapter Break**
Twenty minutes of silence, and my occasional glances at her, she brings the food over to the table. A plate for her, and a plate for me. It was mouth-watering dish I knew I would fall in love with.
“This is my specialty,” she says, smiling across at me, looking at my awe-struck expression. “It’s not too great, but it’s the best I can make,” she says, modestly.
“Shut up! You’re an amazing cook,” I say, blushing.
“You haven’t even tried it,” she jokes, giggling.
To prove my point, I cut into the salmon, taking a bite and sighing at how good it was. “Oh, my god, this is so good,” I exclaim, smiling at her, then closing my eyes, enjoying the taste immensely.
“You think so?” She asks, curiously, eating her own food. She didn’t know how much I was enjoying myself.
“Yes! This is the best I’ve ever had. No joke, you’re a wonderful cook.”
She blushes, brushing her hair behind her ear, looking down at her food. “Well,” she says before pausing, which makes me look up curiously. “Thank you,” she finishes, smiling more.
“What were you gonna say??” I prompt, giggling.
“I-nothing. It’s nothing,” she stutters, blushing brighter.
“Liar,” was all I said, smirking.
She sighs a little. “I’m sorry,” she says, getting up to leave, which makes me concerned that I ruined dinner.
“Hey, I’m sorry, Dawn. W-wait, I was just joking,” I say, getting up and following her, “Hales, please I’m sor-“
Before I could finish my sentence, she cuts me off my spinning around unexpectedly, her lips pressing against mine. I couldn’t process what was going on, all I could think about was her in this moment.
Her lips pressed against my bottom lip, seemingly in a tug of war with mine as she sucked on my lip, pulling me in for more. Her hands snaked up my back, to my cheeks, holding me there as we made out, which I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to pull away, but eventually we ended the kiss.
I was gasping for air as the kiss literally took my breath away. It was crazy how much I craved someone this badly. She was my new addiction, and I was going to make sure she knew how much she meant to me.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
