"Fucking hate this..." mumbles Nate. Diego died February 6th but we were only able to plan his funerals almost 2 months later. It was windy and grey outside. Diego's least favorite .
"Y'all are making me a regular." The priest tried to joke. Some Silvers chuckled, some didn't. I didn't. Neither did Nate, Aneesa and Asad. Jessie was holding herself as the wind hit her with a cold breeze. The priest did his thing and when he was done, Jessie went in front of us, the crowd.
"Stand tall." she says. She takes a profound breath before proceeding. "Respect." she continues. She turned around and we all bowed down in front of the graves of our lost brother. "Thank you all for coming. Let's not forget Diego. Let's keep the memory of him alive in our hearts." concluded Tanisha.
"I've been meaning to ask this since the second time we've met." The priest begins to speak to Aneesa. "What are you guys ?"
"What are we ?" she repeats in a pinched tone.
"I-I don't mean to sound insensitive but you kids are so young and to have that many funerals in such a short period of time. You aren't ever with adults-"
"They're adults. I'm an adult." She says pointing to the non-minor Silvers.
"Where are your parents ?"
"Even with parents, people die, don't they ?"
"Yes but it's always your group alone."
"Cause that's all we got ! You think we want to be here ? You think we want to experience losses ! We're paying our respect like everyone else that comes here, is that too difficult to understand !" She cries out. I wrap my arms around her as she weeps and get her away from the man. Jessie goes towards him.
"Thank you again for today."
"I-I didn't mean to sound insensitive." He tells her. "It's just the timing and everything."
"Please leave, sir."
"It leads to the event that went on the news a few years ago. The massacre."
"Leave, sir."
He looks around. "You're part of that gang...All of you are ! I'm right, I should've known looking at you guys." Tanisha slaps him.
"Leave." she orders.
"You all deserved what's happening to you." he adds, his hand on the side of his face. "I should let the cops know about you all." He takes another look at each one of us before leaving the area.
"You shouldn't have slapped him, Sha." comments Xavier. All heads turn to him. Tanisha glares at him with narrow eyes. "He can use that against you. We have a target on our backs now."
"He ain't gon' do shit." responds Nate.
"You never know." adds on my boyfriend. Kyle shakes his head.
Aneesa pulls away from me and goes to stand in front of him. "So what ? Should we be scared for our lives now ?" she says, brooding. Her bottom eyelids were still holding water but her gaze was fierce. "I'm going to the crib. Titi, you're coming ?" She looks back at me. They both do, matter of a fact, they all do. I don't answer. I just stand there looking at her, deadpan. "Asad, give me the keys."
"I'll drive." Asad passes by his sister and walks out the cemetery.
"Shit funeral..." Nate mumbles as he follows Asad alongside Kyle, Jessie and Sha. Aneesa glances at me before following them.
"Aneesa..." I call her out.
"It's my fault, I shouldn't have asked." She says, smiling at me warmly. All the Silvers leave in groups and I leave with my boyfriend.
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"Did they end up coming ?" asks Aneesa. The Silvers besides Tamika and Xavier drove back to the crib almost 30 minutes ago. "No." responds a Silver.
"Of course not." mumbles Aneesa. She takes out a snack from the pantry and goes into a room, closing the door behind her. Nate, Asad, Kyle and other Silvers were sitting on the couch. Jessie and Tanisha were talking near the kitchen counter. Asad looks back before walking up to them.
"Sha, can we talk real quick ?"
"I'll let you two-"
"You don't have to move." He interrupts Jessie mid-sentence. "I wanted to talk elsewhere with her."
"Where are we going ?" Tanisha asks.
"The rooftop." He answers and she nods. They walk away and go up to the roof. "I was thinking. Not just recently but for a while too. I was thinking about how so many of us are dying and it just shows how unexpected life is and you never know when-"
"Asad."
"Yes ,Sha ?"
"Get to the point."
"I don't know how."
She nears him. "Just try. We can figure it out together." She gazes deeply into his eyes.
"I'm...It's- It's my job as your right hand to be by your side, right ?"
"Yes... Do you...Are you thinking of quitting ?" she asks as she takes a step closer to him and holds his arms.
"No !" he exclaims. " Not even." His voice calms back down. "I have to stay by your side because I'm your right hand but... I would do the same even if it wasn't my job. All the times I have spent with you replay in my memory like a dream that became reality. Man, I don't know..." He looks away. "Tanisha." He turns his face back to her. Her arms drop as her hands let go of him. "I don't want to make a mistake by saying this but I like you a lot. I love you Tanisha Davis." She breaks eye contact and inches backward. "I made a mistake didn't I ?"
"No, no you didn't."
"Then why are you backing away from me ?"
"I'm not over Jordan and to be real with you I don't think I'll ever be. I can't have you live in his shadow and if that means never loving someone, I-"
"You ?" He says in a small voice.
"I think I'd have to do it." she concluded.
"Could you try opening your heart for another one ?"
"He's my first love." Her voice broke on each word. "I care about you more than I can show Asad. I truly wish my actions would prove my words."
"You're my first love Tanisha. If I can't have you, I'd rather be alone."
"No, Asad. Please don't do this to yourself."
"You're the first and only woman I've ever loved. My heart has only been seeking you."
"Asad...Please." He looks down before taking a deep breath. He looks back up and nods. He passes by her and goes downstairs.
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Later that evening, I slept over at my boyfriend's home. We went to his parents house and I got to know all three of them over dinner. His mother, Helen, his stepfather, Edward and his older sister Inez. Tanisha and Jessie drove back to Ms. Davis house. Jessie went into her room and Tanisha followed her in soon after. "What did you two talk about ? Asad looked so serene when he came back into the living room..." asks Jessie as Tanisha sits down on her bed.
"Asad told me he loved me."
"Well that's wonderful ! He told me about his little crush on you a few years ago."
"He did ?"
"Is Jordan holding you back ?"
"It's that obvious ?" Jessie nodded her head. "Jessie, I'm scared." she continued in a brittle voice. "I'm scared that by accepting his love I'd be betraying the promise I made to J. Am I allowed to love again ?"
"You're asking me if you're allowed to feel with your heart again ? Tanisha. You're human. You feel that's what we do."
"But you still haven't moved on from Denzel."
"To each their own pace. Maybe in the future I will, maybe I won't. The difference between you and me is that one of us felt with their heart again. My heart isn't ready to love again."
"Then how do you know that I am ?"
"Because you're questioning yourself ! You're wondering. You're unsure because your mind and your heart are fighting themselves around the situation. Listening to your heart will give you peace because right now this is about how you feel. Love isn't logical, Tanisha." She held firm her hand. "Stop using your brain for once. Feel where your heart wants to go."
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