It had become awkward between Xavier and I ever since that day. He came over less and when he did he only stayed downstairs. I don't know why but I didn't like the way it was. I thought I wouldn't mind, but I had become self-conscious about it.
At school, it was worse. Neesa spends all of her time with Dave. Of course she tried her best not to leave me alone but it mainly made me a third-wheel. I couldn't hang with the other brats and Xavier felt too awkward to speak to me. Yesterday I could feel his eyes on me and when I looked back, he was staring at the ground. Neesa told him to come over and he rejected her offer.
It had become overbearing. He left the group and headed towards his car in the campus parking lot. I waited a few seconds before going the same way he did. "Xavier." I hollered.
He turned around surprised and my eyes grew wider as I too was surprised by the sound of my voice. He slightly raised his chin up expecting me to say more. "Are you busy today ?"
"Because I didn't want to come over ? Can I not have a life away from you guys ?" he replied. "You said you didn't want me around, right ? I'm doing you a favor."
"You're not. I know what I said but I didn't mean it."
"Sure you didn't." He reached for the car's door handle and opened it. I walked towards him and pushed back the door.
"Xavier."
"What ? You're allowed to show emotions but I'm not ?"
I lowered my head and my voice became smaller. "No, you are-"
"Then let me and leave me alone."
"Xav, I'm sorry. It's not you. I just wasn't expecting to see him that day. Or ever again."
"So you did know him." He released the grip of the handle and opened the backseat door. "Get in." I got in and he went in the other door. "Who's he ?"
"Quannell–well Keshawn. We used to be together." I say. The way he was looking at me I knew I couldn't just leave it at that. "He broke up with me in the most confusing way and I think I never really got over him. And then I saw him with a new girl and I realized he had moved on and I..."
"You couldn't."
"I didn't. I'm sorry Xav."
A while after, we walked back to where the others were but they were nowhere to be seen so we took Xavier's car and that's when I got a call from an unknown number. It tells me to meet them where we last met. Normally I wouldn't do something so foolish but that voice... I had to see for myself. On our way to the mansion I tell Xav to drop me off at Asad's house.
"I don't think Asad is here though." He says as I get out of the car. I close the door and throw him a warm smile.
"Thanks for dropping me off." I say as I get inside. Discreetly, I watch as his car drives away before walking back out.
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"How'd you get my number ?" I ask. I was at the spot where we last met–well that is if I'm right about who I'm meeting. A large figure came my way, hands in their pocket. He stopped three steps in front of me and began to speak.
"Tyrell. I asked him for it."
"What do you want, Quann?" I cross my arms as I ask.
"I talked with our Leader." He began to speak. My head slightly inclines. "He admitted to murdering Denzel. He felt no remorse when he was admitting to it."
"Is he not in jail ?"
"No," He shakes his head and his eyes lower their gaze. "There's no way he can be." He looks back at me. "He has too many connections with the rich people of Naire."
"What does he look like ?"
His eyes went to the floor. "I never saw him ."
I uncross my arms and take a step forward. "You said you talked to him ! How can you not know what he looks like !" My arms move as I speak.
"I don't know !" He raised his voice while taking a small step forward. "I couldn't see him. All I know is that his name's Jax. No last name, just Jax."
I sigh and look to my right. "This is useless..." I say as I roll my eye and cross my arms anew.
"That's all I have." He shrugs. I shake my head and look back at him. "Fuck you..." I say.
"What ?"
"Fuck you !" I repeat.
"Why-Why are you saying this ?"
"You're the only one close enough to know who Denzel's murder is. It's your fault Tanisha can't get the closure she needs !"
"Don't fucking blame this shit on me Tami !"
"No, I will fucking blame you for this, Quann." I say pointing my finger at him.
"You've been useless all this time. I'm not the one to blame !"
I fall on my knees sobbing. "Who else is there to blame ?" I found myself screaming back at him as I instantly questioned what I was doing. His face hardened as he got closer to me. "I didn't want you to leave. No one wanted you to leave." My voice finally gave up. I couldn't even bring myself to look at his stupid face. His stupid face that I once admired.
Please don't leave me again.
Quannell gets down on my level and hugs me tightly. "I thought you would have gotten tougher by now."
"I'm tougher." I sniff as I say those words, myself not believing what I've said. "I just...need you."
"You don't need me.."
"How can you know that ?" I raise my eyes from the floor and look at him. His beautiful brown eyes locked with mine. "You left me without looking back." I go on despite my vision slowly blurring. " I've been stupid enough to look for you ever since. Everything in my life leads back to you, Quann. To you only. If you're not what I need, then what is ?"
"Closure. I tried giving it to you but I just didn't know how. I shouldn't have left you the way I did. I thought we were what we needed for each other. I'm not a need for you, Tamika and you're not a need for me... We wanted each other but not everything we want is good for us."
"I don't want to understand...I want you to stay."
" How much longer do I have to wait for you to realize that we weren't meant for each other ?"
"Did you ever love me ?"
"I still love you Belladonna."
Belladonna...?
"I still love Quannell..." I get it now... "I desperately wanted it to work."
"You did the best you could." He stood up.
"You're not leaving me, are you ?"
"You need to let me go, this time."
"Don't leave me like that again."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't need your apology. You said I was the closest thing you have to a family and that I'm also your best friend. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Don't make me go through this shit again, Keshawn ! I won't forgive you Keshawn !" I shouted.
His breaths were tumultuous. I'd never heard him waver like that before. I got up and ran towards him, wrapping my arms around his torso. For two minutes he stayed still but after he turned around, pushing my arms off him. He raised my chin with his curled index and locked his eyes with mine. I stared into his eyes, noticing a mixture of profound emotions. He felt familiar in an unfamiliar body. That unfamiliar body that I once took my time to explore.
"Never again, Tamika." Keshawn breathed in my mouth before placing his lips against mine and embracing me.
"Never again, Quannell." Belladonna repeated.
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Quannell walks into Renee's room. "Am I bothering you?" He asks.
"Nah you straight. Wagwan ?"
"I just wanna talk a bit..."
"You're good ?"
"Yeah I'm aight. It's just we never really talked about that day, even after I got here." Renee gets off her bed and walks behind Quann to close the door.
"Sit. Looks like we'll be here for a while." She says. They both go on and sit on the bed, facing each other.
"Did you come back to get us ?" Asks Quannell.
"No..." she confessed. "That day... I went after the commotion knowing it'd be dangerous. I was hoping I'd die and that miraculously someone would save you two. I knew that people couldn't have saved us three together so I thought I'd be doing us a favor by leaving..." Keshawn's face saddens. " I actually wanted to abandon you two but I couldn't bring myself to so I thought dying would make me look less selfish..."
"You wouldn't have been selfish. We were a burden to you, it's understandable.." admits Shawn. Renee grabs his hands and looks at him dearly.
"Don't say that.. We were going through hard times, Keshawn..." He turns around.
"Are you-"
"Renee.." interrupts Keshawn. Renee turns herself around and backs up, placing her back against his. "Thank you..." The tone of his voice sounded uneven. "...for being a caring sister..."
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