My fear is less of a panic attack onslaught, and more of a gradual and persistent anxiousness. It is less of a slippery slope, and more of a rocky terrain that I descend, not knowing what I'm getting into. It is a gradual build to a nonexistent finish, and an ever-increasing sense of nervousness that cannot be driven away. It meets me in the night, when I am alone with only my thoughts. It brings out the worst in me, when I cannot lie or dissuade myself from accepting the thoughts, and so I lie and stare at the ceiling and try not to think.
If I have to give my fears a title, they would all be titled under a pretentious self-consciousness. I worry mostly for myself, but less of what will happen to me, and more of what I could make happen. I am afraid for what I may become, what I may influence, what I may create. I an afraid of the mistakes that I know I will make, the people I will inevitably hurt, the friends that I will lose. I am afraid of the things that I cannot stop, the things that I have no control over.
I am afraid that one day, someone I love will need me, and I will not be able to save them. Images of losing my friends and family linger from nightmares into the day, and follow me when I see their laughing faces and galactic smiles. I cannot encompass exactly why I am afraid, as I often think of myself as reflective enough to notice when I am being irrational or hurtful or "not myself".
Dementia runs in my family. I will likely get it, if my other mental issues do not take me out beforehand. Though I know I must live, my mind often attempts to convince I do not. My mind tries to convince me that I know nothing, and that I am nothing. Daily struggles turn into solitary months, which lead me off into a category of constant anxiety. Sometimes I can feel myself slipping, I can feel myself getting angry at the world and my friends and myself. I am afraid that I will someday be unable to keep this impulsive, intrusive feelings in check. I am afraid that someday, I may allow these feelings to win over my rationale.
I am afraid of losing control of myself; I fear insanity. For my entire life, I have known there is no use trying to control others, but I have usually suspected that I would be able to control myself. However, in those weary witching hours of the morning, when I am alone and the nightmares are lingering, I wonder if I should wait to see the rest of what I will. I wonder if I will want to live long enough to see what I become, and I fear that what I will become is immoral and dangerous. I am afraid that I may both becomes something terrible, or end up offing my chances of growing up before it even happens.
Conclusively, It wouldn't be wrong for you to tell me that I am afraid of myself, or of my future, or of losing control. To say that I am afraid of losing my mind seems too pretentious, but to say that I am afraid of losing myself seems like the hormonal ramblings of a depressive teenager. I'm not sure exactly what to call it, or if I can even give it a name.
I'm not sure what is wrong with me, if anything. I'm not sure if I am going insane as time passes, or if I am even completely sane at this moment. I'm not sure that I even like myself right now, and I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to change myself when or if I turn into something that I don't like. I don't know what I'm going to do if I being to lose my mind, or my friends, or myself. Technically, in a wider sense, I could tell you that I am afraid of loss. But again, I feel like it's more than that, however arrogant that sounds.
Fear is complex and persistent and slowing dragging me into a more anxious state every day. My fear is self-reflective and self-centered, pretentious and arrogant, and completely unnecessary because I know that no amount of worrying is going to change the future. It's all very confusing. I hope that as I go on, and my hormones stabilize, and my brain becomes settled, that I will find an answer. I can only hope, because there is nothing that I can do differently to prevent any of my fears from establishing.
It's all very confusing, and It's hard to label my fears as a single amalgamation of terror; I cannot put it into a label or a category. I cannot even be sure that it is rational, or even unusual.
I can't be sure of anything, except that it keeps me up at night.
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