I knew I should have been born as a girl and had the wrong body. I loved life as a girl and would love to experience it in its full. I just wish I was asked if I wanted to be a girl. It was Granny that told me how to dress. I did feel comfortable when I was a girl, but I did not like when I was teased. I did not like when people judged me. Why could people accept that this is how I was and wanted to be?
I was happy during the summer. I even went to the beach wearing a girl one-piece. It was one of the happiest times of my life. My brothers kept on calling me weird and a sissy. I suppose I was and it did not bother me. No one at the beach teased me or gave me a hard time. Some even thought it was cute.
Dad visited and he took my brothers out on a trip. Granny asked him why he did not want me to come and Dad said that I was too young to go where they were going. When Dad and my brothers went, I cried and cried. I knew that he could have had me with him. It confirmed the fear that I had that he was ashamed of me and did not love me. It was probably because I lived as a girl and that it was my fault that mom died in a car accident.
Summer was too short, and it was time to start at preschool again. Once again, I was left alone and had no friends. The teacher tried to get me to play with the others, but it was obvious that they had no wish to be seen with me. It was strange being so lonely while I was together with children my age. The only contact I got was when they teased me. They still asked if I was a boy or a girl. Sometimes they would stand around me and say where they thought I was a boy. Other times they would say why they thought I was a girl. The common factor is that they thought I was weird.
I told Granny that I was being bullied a lot. She would smile and say, "They should not call you sissy. That is such a mean word. Your mom knew that you were no ordinary boy. She knew you had the heart and soul of a girl. She knew you were a girl. You are happiest when you are allowed to live as a girl. It is important that you are happy with your identity."
I had no clue what granny was trying to say. She was saying I should be happy. She continued by saying that she was sure that I would be famous. Everyone in the world would know who I was and many would love when I would entertain them. I would make people smile and bring a moment of happiness to their lives. I was not famous yet and it would take a lot of work and dedication. Granny was sure that I was old enough to deal with this.
It seemed as if I practised every chance there was. I rarely had time to play or watch TV. I practised songs and new songs and how to sing songs without messing up. Granny also wanted me to look cute when I was singing. I had to smile at the right time and try to "sparkle" as she called it. When I sang a song, she would tell me to do it all over again. It is hard to smile when you had to sing a song 7 times! It was also hard when you looked in a mirror. The agent said there was no chance that I would ever be famous. I wondered what was all the practice for. Why could I never be like my brothers? They never showed up for practice and mostly played outside. They were free to do as they wish. They had freedom!
One good thing happened tho. Dad had a new girlfriend. Dad and she visited us sometimes. I liked her a lot. She reminded me a lot about mom. While Dad would speak with my brothers, she would let me cuddle against her as she talked to me about normal things. I loved when she would brush my hair, which was now becoming quite long. We would talk about everything except fame and being teased at school. She treated me like a normal 6-year-old and did not think that I was weird.
It was good news when Dad announced that he was getting married to Mary, his new girlfriend. I jumped up and down and thought it was torture that I would have to wait for the wedding. I was excited about everything and made sure that I was around when it was being planned. I was told that I would sing at the wedding. Waiting for the wedding was just as bad as waiting for Christmas.
I wish things could be so good at school. The teasing continued. The boys could not understand why I wanted to be a sissy. I had the body of a boy and was pretending to be a girl. Why could I just not be normal like everyone else? They were frustrated that I did not answer. If I did answer, I would tell them that I was not a sissy. I was a girl and it was their problem they could not accept this.
Our teacher was not very understanding. She kept on telling me that I was not a girl, but transgendered. She would get mad and tell me that it was not normal what I was doing, and sissies like me always ended in hell. This was something that scared me. I had no wish of going to hell. I did not consider myself to be evil. I sang songs that praised God. He was my friend.
It was no longer just teased at school. They began to push me around and even hit me. I never did like pain and I think that when I cried, it made the bullying worse. They would take pleasure in making my life hell. I started to wish they went back to just teasing. The worse thing is that the teachers would not help. Maybe they thought the bullying would make me become more like the other boys. It all resulted in me dreading going to school. I would think every day that I had some tropical disease until Granny would convince me that I was fine.
The time came when Dad and Mary were to be married. I wore a pink dress with tights and my hair was set in a bun with flowers in it. I remember that when I looked in the mirror, I felt so happy. A girl was smiling back at me. When I looked in the mirror, I did not see any boy looking back. It was then that I realized my true identity. I felt like a girl and was happiest when I was allowed to live as one. I knew that God loved me and I would not be going to hell. I knew that God would not approve of others that bullied me.
My brothers and I sang at a Church. We sang a gospel song in front of people. They were all thrilled with our performance and we got a standing ovation in the church. We also sang a few songs during the reception. I was in heaven as it was obvious people liked my singing. They were entertained by me and it was so rewarding when they clapped.
After I performed, Dad told me and my brothers that he thought we had talent. He was mostly praising my brothers, and the only thing that he said was that I should let my brothers be more than backing singers. I did not answer. Dad continued telling my brothers how smart they looked and how proud he was. He said nothing to me about how I looked. I knew that he was ashamed and considered me his son that was wearing a dress.
Mary hugged and said, "It looks as if I am your stepmom now. I never want to replace your mother and hope that we get along. It is a shame you cannot come to live with us. Your dad decided that you are best with your grandmother."
I started crying and could not understand why I started to cry. I whimpered that Dad did not want me because he thought I was weird. Mary smiled and said that she knew that I was transgendered. She also said that I was one of the prettiest and most talented girls she met, and she was proud to have me as her stepdaughter.
Practising was different after the wedding. I would of course practice singing, but Granny also wanted me to listen to famous bands and people like Elvis, the Beatles, Jackson 5 and Tom Jones. I would be observing their movements and how they entertained. I think that Elvis was the best at entertaining. He did not have to sing. He could just tell the audience that he loved them and they would go crazy. There was something about him that sparkled. He was a true entertainer.
The priest visited granny and told us he would love it if my brothers and I sang at the Church every Sunday. Granny did not support this as she did not consider it a ticket to fame. However, it is hard saying no to a priest. Besides that, it would give us an experience in public and despite I have done the bedwetter ad, no one was knocking at the door for me to do something that would make me famous. It was agreed that we would sing a song after the homily every Sunday. We would not get paid for it. I suppose we would get a special place in heaven.
I was dressed in different dresses every time. I felt as if I was a princess. The people at the Church did not know our family very well, and I wondered did they know my secret. If they did know I was transgendered, they never said anything. I loved singing at the Church. I relished when they stood and clapped after I sang. When we were leaving the church, no one would be teasing us about clothes or long hair. They all wanted to shake my hand and praise my talent.
The priest said we were a sensation, and more people were coming to Church. Despite this, Granny could also see some mistakes we had and told us we needed more practice. Granny also was impatient. She thought that we deserved more than just singing at a local Church. Despite that the agent said we should be happy with the local fame, Granny could not accept that this was my destiny.
I should have been happy. I got what I always wanted. I was allowed to sing for others. I was not happy though. At first, I thought it was because I had no friends and Dad was ashamed of me. Then I found out that I was. I could not remember how my mom looked. I tried to close my eye and could not remember how she looked. I thought this was a sign that I did not love her enough. I went into a depression and no one could help. They all thought it was because I was being teased at school.
I told Granny that I could not remember my mum. She took me to see my moms grave.
"Your mom is looking down from heaven." she said, "She knows you love her and she is always with you. She is in your heart. She knows it is hard for you to live as a girl. She also knows that your gender does not define who you are. It is what is in your heart and how you treat others. It is if you are happy and proud of who you are. Your mom always knew you were talented, and you can entertain people and bring happiness to their lives. Your mom loves you for who you are!"
The next day at school, I was surprised. This girl from my class came up to me. She did not tease me. She asked if we can be friends!
To be continued
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