C A R O L I N E
The next day, Seth wasn't there. That really improved my mood.
Everything was going smoothly until last period.
Aimée was sitting across the room with her friends and I was staring out the window, head propped up in my hand.
The woods looked dead, but snowflakes were falling from the sky. It looked like someone had placed a huge white blanket on the ground. The few trees that had kept their pines were also coated in a thin layer of snow, making me smile a bit. Nothing was really going on in the class, we were supposed to be working on a project, but most of us were already done.
This is nice.
"Hey, freak!"
Nevermind.
I turned to my right to see Aimée waving me over. "Come join us!"
I knew it was a trick, I wasn't stupid. If I walked over to them, they'd start calling me names and doing their best to passive-aggressively make my feel like shit. If I declined, they'd talk behind my back anyway.
Same shit every time.
I was about to get up when a hand came down on my shoulder.
"She's not going anywhere," Jasper said coldly, staring Aimée down.
Wait, since when is he in this class?
"Excuse me!?" She wasn't happy.
"I said," he continued, seeming exasperated now, "Caroline is not going anywhere near you. I mean, why would she? If your face was on fire, I'd stomp on it. And that would be an improvement." He grinned sarcastically, tilting his head to the side. Damn, he was cute.
She seemed furious. "How dare you speak to me like that?"
"Oh, please," words were coming out of my mouth before I realized what was happening. "I'd rather stick a puppy in a wood-chipper than speak with you, and I'm sure he feels the same way. You're the one who started it."
Everyone in the class just stared at me, half in confusion, half in amazement.
"Yeah, that's right, I can talk," I drawled. "Get over it."
I turned away from the stares to doodle in my notebook, my chest swelling with pride.
In my peripheral vision, I noticed Jasper pull a chair out and sit next to me.
"Since when are you in this class," I murmured.
He chuckled lightly. "I'm not, I wasn't in the mood for gym, so I thought I'd join you." He nodded to the teacher, who was frowning at him but not bothering to kick him out. "Perry loves me anyway."
I laughed a bit. "Sure he does."
There were a few seconds of silence before I spoke up again. "Why do you keep coming to my rescue? You barely know me. Don't you have better stuff to do?"
He shrugged, making me look at him. "Since the night you crashed in my guest room, I just feel protective of you, I guess. No biggie."
I raised an eyebrow but didn't bother arguing.
~
School was over and I was walking home without worry, knowing my mom wouldn't be home until at least midnight.
I was walking past a narrow alleyway when I felt someone sharply tug at my wrist, pulling me in. I almost started screaming before he put his hand over my mouth, making me look into his green eyes.
"Jsazzpwer?" I murmured into his hand. He seemed worried, which made me start to worry.
He pushed me back until my back was against the wall, but kept his body a good few inches from mine. Nonetheless, since his hand was still over my mouth, my body started to panic.
I was about to speak again when he put his finger in front of his lips, telling me to be quiet. And for some reason, I trusted him. Still, I felt like running.
God, I'm glad I didn't. Seconds later, Seth walked past the alleyway we were in, seemingly pissed off. My chest tightened more in fear.
We waited another few minutes after he left before Jasper spoke up.
He sighed, letting go of me. "So, your ex was following you."
I raised my eyebrow, trying not to show any of the dread I was feeling. "Really? I didn't recognize him."
He nodded and stepped away again before pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lighting one. He leaned against the wall opposite me, just watching me.
After a heartbeat, I spoke up. "Thank you, by the way. My mom isn't home so I would have been home alone, and I wouldn't have bothered to lock the door, so..."
His face hardened. "You should always lock your doors."
I nodded. "Yeah, I will from now on." I would have to make sure to listen for my mom's car so I could run and unlock it.
He sighed, flicking ash from his cigarette to the ground. "Caroline, could you please tell me more about him so I know what we're dealing with?"
I frowned. "What I'm dealing with, but okay." I took a deep breath. "His full name is Oliver Sethman Browns, but don't ever call him Oliver or Sethman, he might kill you."
He started coughing, loudly, almost choking. I knew the name was funny, but I couldn't laugh because I remembered what he had done to me the last time I had laughed at his name.
"Oh man, that's hilarious."
I nodded, looking down at my hands.
"You don't have to tell me anything else, Lina."
I smiled a bit. He was sweet. "I'm going to, I just... I'm not gonna go into too much detail. It's fucked up."
He raised an eyebrow. "First time I've heard you swear."
I chuckled at that. "'Cause it is."
He nodded, letting me continue.
I sighed, only slightly curious as to why it felt so easy to finally tell him. "It's a long story, so just bear with me." He gave me a thumbs up, so I continued.
"Three years ago, my dad passed away.
"A few months after, I met Seth. My mother had met his father, and they were seeing each other, so she introduced me to him. I was pissed she had moved on so fast, but the guy's son was an amazing guy. Always said the right things, knew how to cheer me up, pulled me out of the dark. He was perfect."
I laughed bitterly. "Should've known."
He sighed a bit, bringing the cigarette up to his lips. I was almost mesmerized with how fluidly he did it. "Go on."
I nodded. "I fell for him, hard. It was great at first; he was a sweet, caring, understanding boyfriend... But after a few months, he started to change.
"He started to act cold towards me, at first. He never picked up his phone, and barely spoke to me anymore. After a few weeks, I confronted him about it. He told me nothing was wrong.
"After that, everything went back to normal, but it only lasted a couple of weeks.
"Almost a year after we started seeing each other, Seth started... Going farther than I was comfortable with. We'd be kissing, and he would start trying to touch me, take off my clothes. I would tell him to stop, but he'd keep going until I pushed him away. The first few times, he seemed guilty and apologized over and over. Said he just 'couldn't help himself' around me."
I started playing with my hair, not wanting to go back to that time, but forcing myself to.
"After a few times of that happening, maybe a couple of weeks, he started to get angry when I'd push him away. Told me that after all he had done for me, I 'owed' him. That continued on, but after a month, he started to hit me... Slap me, pinch me, but never hard enough to leave a bruise."
I took a deep breath. "He brought me to a party a few days later. My dumb ass didn't realize my drinks were spiked, and I got drunk. I was still aware of everything, but I had a hard time moving properly.
"He brought me to a bedroom upstairs at the party, and you can probably imagine what he did to me there."
I finally looked up at Jasper to see that his jaw was clenched. His voice was low as he asked, "did he...?"
I nodded slowly. "After that, I just gave up. He used me all night long. When I went home in the morning, looking like a mess, my mother figured it out and started calling me names. Slut, whore, disgrace, you name it."
I sneered. "Oh, but Seth was still so perfect, it wasn't his fault I seduced him."
I sighed. "I won't go into detail, but after that night, he used me a few more times before just disappearing. His father moved away and brought him with him. But now Seth is old enough to be on his own, so he came back for me. I can't wait."
"Caroline." Jasper glared at me, seeming angrier than I've ever seen him. "Gorden and I won't let him touch you again, believe me."
I sighed. "Jasper, that's unrealistic. You guys can't be with me 24/7."
His jaw tensed as he looked down. "I'm assuming you don't want me to tell any of this to Denny?"
I frowned. "Who's Denny?"
He looked confused by my question for a second before it clicking. "Oh, I mean Gorden. He doesn't like being called Gord, and everyone uses Gordy, so I thought I'd call him Denny."
I nodded. "Alright, you can tell him he's dangerous and my ex, but not everything, please."
He nodded back before murmuring, "it's your secret to keep."
~
Jasper brought me to his house because there was 'no way' that he was letting me be home alone for hours.
He went to take a shower, so he let me use his computer. I briefly checked the few social media accounts I had before clicking back to Google.
I paused for a moment before I wrote 'beautiful quotes' into the search bar and hit enter.
Once the page was done loading, I scrolled through the results, reading every single one of them, tears coming to my eyes.
'At 6, she wanted to be a ballerina.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1tLWJneEs
At 10, she wanted to be a teacher.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPH6AiSn5a
At 13, she wanted to be pretty.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM81gDjbBx8
At 16, she wanted to be dead.
But;
At 18, she graduated high school.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkXCznaDR5
At 20, she studied for her final.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQzn8MhCun
At 22, she got her diploma.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5itt9CGpG
At 24, she found her career.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpwFQw9LbI
At 26, she whispered, "I do".530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOiIxvfrTx
At 28, she held her newborn child.530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9nA8GLHB2
At 30, she wiped her tears and whispered, "I made it."'
Tears blurred my vision, but I kept reading.
'Having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up.'
I sat there crying, my hand over my heart. It was kind of pathetic, I knew it, but it helped.
The more I read, the harder it got to see the screen. So many heart-felt quotes, so many words and sayings and thoughts that seemed to reach out to me, wrapping around my heart.
'You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's life. Consider this: Nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.'
I bit my lip and read the last quote on the page.
'Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well.'
I stood up to face the full-length mirror and started removing my bracelets, dropping them to the floor one after the other. Clink, clink, clink, was all I heard, second to the slow beating of my heart in my throat. I wiped my tears before closing my eyes.
I was always afraid of my scars. The ugly red lines decorating my wrists, making my arms look like a scene from a Slasher movie. Even the faded ones on my thighs were gross to me. I hated seeing them. They reminded me of how weak I was, how easily I turned to harming myself.
"Caroline? You okay?"
I jumped, my heart beating faster. My head whipped over towards the bathroom door where Jasper emerged, dressed only in a pair of sweatpants hanging low on his hips.
My heart beat faster, but for a whole different reason.
He followed my gaze down to his bare torso. "Shit," he murmured, quickly walking over to the dresser before pulling out a black t-shirt and putting it on. "Sorry about that."
I started playing with a strand of my hair, trying to hide how flustered I was. "Don't worry about it."
He smiled and glanced up at me, looking away before doing a double take. "What's that on your wrist?"
I froze for a split second before quickly bringing my hand down, hiding it behind my back. "N-nothing."
He narrowed his eyes, walking quickly back over to me. "Caroline, show me your wrist."
I closed my eyes, refusing to show him. What would he think of me? Would he tell me to leave? Never want to see me again? Try to help me, but never think of me any other way but with disgust?
"Lina, please..."
'Butterflies can't see how beautiful they are, but everyone else can.'
I kept my eyes closed as I removed hand from behind my back, pulling my sleeve up with the hand that only held old scars. My whole body shook as I showed someone my scars for the first time.
~
J A S P E R
The first thing I realized was that I had never noticed how thin her wrists were; how thin she was in general— sickly thin.
The second thing I realized was that the newer cuts looked angry, red, definitely not healing properly.
I breathed in deeply, then exhaled. "They're getting infected, follow me."
Her eyes shot open, clearly confused by my reaction.
I pulled her gently towards the bathroom, turning on the light and sitting her down on the toilet cover. Grabbing a face cloth, I put it on the counter edge closest to where she was sitting and told her to rest the back of her hand on it.
I opened the cabinets one after another, trying to find the antibiotic and plasters. I finally found both in the bottom drawer, the last place possible to check. Of course.
After washing my hands, I grabbed some brown paper towel and soaked it lightly in water before gently tapping at the wounds, cleaning the bit of dried blood.
"What did you make the cuts with?" I asked.
She kept watching me weirdly, clearly not sure how she should react to my reaction. "Um... a razor?"
I nodded. Thought so.
"Watch what I'm doing," I told her as I put some antibiotic ointment onto my finger before softly tapping it along her cuts, making sure not to let my finger actually touch her skin. "So that you know what to do next time."
"Do... Do you not realize I did this to myself?"
I sighed. "I know, it's just that I've seen and done worse."
I didn't add that I had never seen anyone thinner than her.
When I was done with the cream, I grabbed the bright blue bandages and slowly started wrapping it around her wrist, not too tight but not too loose. "If you make it thick enough, it just looks like a sweatband. Kinda weird, but won't attract too much attention if you don't want it to."
She seemed speechless.
I sighed, sitting back for a second. "Alright, show me the other wrist."
"Oh, they're all old on that one," she murmured, showing me anyway.
I nodded but took her hand in mine anyway, rubbing my thumb lightly over them. "Do you have any anywhere else?" I looked up, catching her gaze, not looking away.
She sighed. "A few on my thighs, but they're years old. After what happened with Seth. I didn't like that he touched me there."
I felt my eye twitch before I could look away.
I didn't say anything to that, not really trusting myself.
If I was honest with myself, I wanted her to leave. Not because my opinion of her had changed or anything, but I was exhausted. Absolutely drained. I really wanted to be alone for a while.
I dragged a hand down my face after glancing at my watch. "It's almost 11:30, I should bring you home. Do you have a back door?"
She seemed confused again. "Yeah, but it's always locked. Why?"
I nodded. "Keep it locked. I'll watch your front door from across the street, make sure the asshole doesn't try anything. After I search your house, of course. I'll leave when your mother gets there."
"You don't have to do that," she sighed. I just shook my head in return.
"You want any coffee?" I murmured, getting up slowly. "I really need some."
I wasn't surprised when she shook her head.
~
She wasn't at school the next morning.
Gorden could tell I was nervous, but he didn't say anything.
I, on the other hand, couldn't not say anything. "Denny, I'm worried."
He sighed, stretching his legs out slowly. "Jass, calm down. I'm sure she's just stomach sick or something."
"But I called twice and she didn't answer."
"Probably 'cause you're being creepy."
I scowled at him before picking up a tiny rock and throwing it aimlessly, taking another drag of my cigarette. "Fuck you."
He chuckled a bit. "I know you want to, but I'm good."
Any other time, I would have shrugged that joke off, but instead, I peered at him closely, resting my wrist on my bent knee with my cigarette between my fingers.
He seemed to realize I was watching him because he cleared his throat and changed the subject. "Can I have one?"
I smirked before holding my pack open for him. "Do you have a lighter?"
He shook his head and waited for me to light it for him before he took a long drag.
He sighed, sagging a bit. He took it out of his mouth and looked at it dreamily. "God, I missed you."
"You had one last Friday."
"That was almost a week ago."
"Four days."
"You wanna go four days without a smoke? I dare you."
I smirked, deciding not to push him.
We sat in silence, smoking, neither of us getting up to return to class when the end-of-break bell rang.
"I should go check on her."
He nodded. "I'm surprised you've lasted this long. What do you like about her so much, anyway?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. She intrigues me more than anything."
He laughed a bit. "Intrigues, sure."
I frowned. "Gorden, you know me. I don't get attached easily."
He smirks more but tries to hide it by taking a drag. "Sure."
I look down at my almost-finished cigarette, grimacing. "God, this is gross. When you really think about it, you know."
He shrugged. "I'm cheating on my amazing girlfriend, I deserve whatever it's doing to me."
I looked up at him. "I thought you broke up with her."
"Yeaahh... Slept with her last night."
I smacked him on the back of the head so hard his cigarette popped right out.
"Hey!"
"Now that, you deserve."
He sighed and nodded. "Don't worry about me, go check on Caroline."
I nodded back. "Alright, see you later. Go to class for me."
"Don't count on it."530Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkJEbffGtM
