I felt so weak on my knees when the girl asked me if we could be friends. No one has ever asked me this before. Her name was Chloe. She was not one of those that teased or bullied me. She always was a quiet girl that was hard to notice. Now she asked me to be her friend. At first, I was speechless and did not believe that someone would want to be my friend. I sputtered that of course I would be her friend and put my hand out to shake hands on it. I suddenly had a friend, which was what I wanted most in the world. I now had a friend.
My oldest brother was now a teen, and it was as if his hobby was tormenting me. He would ask me if I was a girl and did I considered myself a girl? I always fell into his trap when he asked this. I would explain that I was a girl and just had the wrong body. This would make my brother tease me and remind me of how weird I was. Both brothers would remind me that no one liked me because I was not normal.
I did stand up for myself. I would tell them that people liked when I sang and that I now had a friend. I had talent unlike many other people and I was proud of who I was. I did not tease people or hurt peoples feelings. I wanted to make people smile and make them happy.
The priest knew I was talented. He asked Granny if my brothers and I could go on a national tour and visit a lot of churches in the county. The idea was that we would visit Churches and give a small concert. Granny was a bit against a Church tour. At first, she thought that it was a waste of time. She quickly changed his mind when she was reminded that it would give us some exposure and that we would be getting paid. So a deal was made where we would give a concert at 100 churches across the country.
I honestly did not know what to think about it. It was so new and unknown. It was only my stepmom that was against it, as she thought I was too young. She tried telling Granny that I should be allowed to play and have fun as a child. She reminded her that I was only 7 years old.
It was decided that I would do the Church tour.
Stepmom visited us a lot and did her best to be like a mother to me. I liked when we cuddled and when she did my hair. She talked about normal things to me. She loved that my hair was now so long that she could put it in different hairstyles. Once she put it in a lot of braids. I looked like an afro-American. When I first saw my hair, I thought that it looked so cool. I did not know why the others teased me because I had braids. It was nothing new, as my hair usually was in a ponytail.
Chloe did not tease and we even agreed that she could come and visit me. It was hard to find a time because we were practising so much for the tour. She had no problem visiting when I practised. Then it would be as if she was the audience which made the practice much easier. I showed Chloe my wardrobe. She was a bit jealous, saying that I had nicer clothes than she had.
Chloe was a good friend. She told me she knew I was transgender. She also admitted that she did not understand why a boy wanted to dress and act like a girl. I could not even answer this. Chloe would tell me none of this mattered. She liked me because I was a good person and this was all that mattered. We never discussed this a lot. We spent most of our time playing. Chloe loved to draw and my bedroom wall was full of rainbows and unicorns. I felt blessed. I may not have had a lot of friends, but I has a good friend that did not judge me and liked me for who I was.
I did not have a lot of freedom. Granny made us practice at every possible chance that we could get. She did not even ask me what I wanted to sing or wear. It was all gospel songs and I was fine with that. I always had a pretty dress on, that Shirley Temple would be jealous of. It did not bother me so much as I thought they were pretty and I already knew that I was a girl in every way.... nearly.
Ronny, My oldest brother hardly came to practice. He continued being mean to me every time he could. Cameron changed though. He no longer teased. He said I was weird, but I was a good singer. Cameron noticed how songs were structured and he loved the lyrics. His new hobby was writing lyrics himself and writing songs.
The Church tour started. It would last 4 months. This meant that we would have 1 or 2 concerts every second day. We quickly had a routine. We would travel in the car for hours. We would study in the back while we drove. This never went so well as I would get car sick. I would look out the window and admire the countryside. Then I would ask again and again if we were there. When we finally came, Granny would then find a bed and breakfast where we could sleep. There was no time to play. We would either be studying or practising or getting dressed for the concert. As I said, sometimes there were 2 concerts a day!
I loved doing the concerts. I had the whole audience captive and I could see how much they enjoyed the show. Everyone would be looking with a smile on their face as they enjoyed the songs. I loved entertaining and giving people a chance to forget their troubles and sorrows. Granny told me that songs can give people comfort and a chance to take a break from life. I felt so free when I was on stage. There was no one bullying me or pressuring me. My goal was to make everyone smile and that the music would touch their soul.
When I came off stage, I was always tired and very thirsty. I would be drinking water while Granny would be telling me what mistakes I had.
We quickly became a success and the church halls were sold out. I was shocked once when someone wanted my autograph. I tried asking the person why she would want my autograph. She just said that she could boast that she met me before I became famous. It was such a success that the priest wanted me to do 25 more concerts. Granny said no as she said overexposure was a bad thing
The driving and sleeping at different places and the many concerts took their toll on me. I loved that we visited so many places, but after a month of it, I was always so tired and did not even want to eat. Granny had no patience with me and told me that when I said yes to something, I had to fulfil the job. As the tour went on, she would be very strict with me. She did not like when I said I was tired or when I cried because I felt as if I could not continue.
The best thing that happened on tour was when Chloe came. She came to my room after the concert and told me that I sang like an angel. She also admitted that she was my biggest fan. It was the first time that I heard I had a fan, and I felt so happy that Chloe was my first one!
The tour ended and I must have slept for days. It was a very hard thing to do as it was constant stress and it affected my body. It was hard on my voice and sometimes I had such a sore throat. It was also hard that I lost so much weight. It was also hard on my mind. I was under constant pressure from granny and I wanted to be my best on stage. The best was when I was on stage. I was alone and I was free to do what I wanted. I felt like the audience could respect me for my talent and not think how weird I was.
The tour was over and I was back at school. I was back to the old life I had. It was as if the popularity I had during the Church tour was a dream. Some from the school had seen me but that did not change their view about me. They still treated me as if I was a misfit. It wasn't long after I started at school that a group of boys started pushing me all over the place, and hitting me. They told me that singing at a few churches did not make me famous and I should not feel that I was important. They called me a sissy and a wimp. It didn't help that I was crying.
Another thing changed at school. Chloe had a new friend. He was a new boy that started at the school when I was on tour. His name was Nick and he seemed nice enough. Chloe insisted that we could all be friends. I was not so sure about this. I considered Nick as a competition and thought that he would take Chloe from me. He did nothing to show he wanted to do this. Nick was always nice to me. I suppose that I was just not used to children wanting to be my friend.
The tour did give me exposure. The agent visited us one day as he wanted to speak with us. The Vatican would be having a celebration that would be televised worldwide. The Pope himself heard a bad quality tape of one of our concerts and wanted us to perform at the Vatican. We would be on television for the whole world. Granny quickly accepted the deal. "The Sullivans" would be going to the Vatican.
Ronny did not want to do it. He hated performing and he did not like singing. Besides this, he was afraid that people found out that I was a sissy. It was bad enough that he was my brother, Granny would get mad at them and remind me that I could be a role model to children that were confused about their identity.
I could see that Nick wanted to be my friend. I agreed that I would visit his house. He was an only child. I was shocked when I saw his bedroom. It was a girls bedroom. Nick begged me not to tease him and was relieved when I said his bedroom was cool. It was then that he admitted that he was allowed to be a girl at home. He was transgender and felt like he should be a girl and not a boy. He told me that I was not alone. We spent all afternoon trying on his dresses and other girl clothes he had. I loved wearing the dresses and loved the girl that was looking back at me when I looked in the mirror. Nick was so happy that we could play dress up and to be honest, it is one of the best memories I have as a child.
When I came home, Dad was there. Granny was sitting on her chair crying. Dad was shouting that no way should I go to the Vatican as a sissy!
To be continued.
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