I finished the album called "Hope". I expected that the album would be in the shops straight away, but was told that was not the way it worked. I met with the record company boss whose name was Mr Spenser. He explained that things would take time as they had to plan everything from the album cover to how it would be promoted. Mr Spenser explained that things had to be done right, as he expected me to be a star. I was impatient and wanted everyone to hear my work.
Granny and dad did not fight as much. She told me that I was a girl, except at school and when I was at the record company. This was confusing for me. How could I be a girl sometimes and then a boy at other times? I did not want to think so much about it. I was happiest when I was dressed as a girl. The clothes were comfortable and I felt pretty. I think Granny knew this, and this is why she let me be a girl as much as possible. She even went against the agreement she made with Dad, and let me be a girl outside the house. This led to some confusion if someone from my class had seen me. They were told by our teacher that I was now a boy.
My brothers were now teens. Ronny was 16 and Cameron was 14. Granny could see how puberty changed them. They now looked like men. She also noticed that their voice had changed and was worried that this would happen to me. I always considered it as a joke when Granny said that it was a shame that I would grow up. Granny was very serious and was afraid that as I got older, my voice would change. She often discussed with Dad that we had to protect my voice. This caused arguments with Dad, that said that it would not harm my career when my voice broke. He said Elvis had a deep voice and he was the king. Granny wanted me to have shots, but Dad put his foot down and said he did not want me to get girl hormones.
I had other things to think about. When I was recording "Hope", I had no choice in the songs or how it would be done. The album sounded like folk music which people sang in pubs when they were drunk. Only one song was a bit funky but I did not like the way it was done. I honestly did not like the songs on the album. The songs were also very religious, which would have sounded better if the music was gospel. I was not even proud of my work. I knew that it was nothing that I would listen to on the radio.
Dad was now my manager and I tried telling him that I was not happy with the result. Dad got mad and asked me how do I know what would be popular or not? The record company used its best producers and songwriters. Dad reminded me that I was only 9 and did not understand how the world worked. He told me singing Barbie music and songs about girl things would not make me a star. My job was to do as I was told and to look cute.
I was dressed as a boy at school, but it did not mean that I had friends. My classmates could not understand what a transgender is and why any boy would want to wear a dress. The teacher told them that I was no longer transgender and that I was now a boy. This confused the classmates more as they still have seen me in public with a dress on or something girly. At least I had Chloe and Nicky as friends. Otherwise, I would be very lonely.
I did not have a lot of time for my two friends, as the record company wanted me to model for pictures. The pictures were for the album cover and promotion pictures and posters. I thought that it was fun modelling for the pictures. I was wearing denim shorts and a black tank top with a gold cross planted on it. The album would be a picture of me jumping in the air with my hands stretched above me as if I wanted to fly. I was smiling in the picture. It was strange seeing my name on an album. I was sure that mom was looking down from heaven and thinking that she knew that I would be famous. I wondered if the album would even sell. I was thinking of who would pay to hear me singing?
There were problems at home. Ronny was now 16 and always getting into trouble. He often came home after he has been in some fight. Sometimes he came home after midnight. I could see that granny was very worried about him. She did not know what to do. This meant that there were always a lot of fights between them. It was shortly after I modelled pictures for the album that Ronny came home late. He was very drunk. This led to an argument with Granny. The argument became bad when Ronny pushed Granny so Granny ended up on the floor.
After this happened, then Granny told dad that she could no longer take care of Ronny. She was now afraid of him. Ronny moved in with dad and my stepmom. I wondered if all this was my fault. I was given a lot of attention because of my career. Maybe Ronny felt like he got no attention and that he had no talent. I noticed when he argued with Granny that he blamed me for all the problems.
Nick and I visited each other still. We would play princess dress up as we tried on different dresses that he had or that I had. Then we would have a tea party or play with dolls. I liked Nicky a lot. He also dressed as a girl at home and a boy when we were at school. He asked me if I wanted to be a girl all the time. I know that he wanted. After thinking about it, I told him that being transgender would hurt my career and besides that, it made Dad mad. Nick would laugh and say I was the only 9-year old that had a career.
One day Granny told me that we would be taking a walk downtown. We would not shop, but we could window shop, which was just as fun. As we went by the record shop, we could see my record in the window. This was a strange moment for me. All my life I was being told that I would be as famous as Shirley Temple, and now the time has come where my album was in the window. How many children my age experienced this? I was now finally famous. I had to smile though. No one would ask me for my autograph as I was wearing a top and skirt with tights.
Granny talked constantly about my album and it could mean that we could move to a better house. I could get all the toys I wanted and especially a new bike. I could also get the prettiest dresses that a girl could ever wish for. My brothers would also get the things that they wanted. Even Dad would be happy, as he would get a share because he was my manager.
Without Dad's permission, Granny took me to a doctor. I was given a shot with a huge needle. The doctor explained that it was a puberty blocker. The doctor said that this would stop the boy's hormones which meant that my voice would not change and I would not get body hair as men had. This meant no beard! I screamed when he had done this. The needle was very big. I hated needles! I didn't think if this was right or wrong or what Dad would think. I trusted in Granny. Looking back at this, I don't know if I would have let the doctor do it if I knew the consequences. The doctor told me that he would give me female hormones when I was older.
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I was now allowed out to play by myself. Usually, Cameron let me hang around with his friends. Since Ronny left to live with dad, Cameron was much nicer to me. His friends thought I was strange. I was small for my age and they thought I was too girly. They even said that they listened to my album, and besides that it sucked, I sounded like a girl. Cameron did his best to protect me and stand up for me which was new. It didn't matter. The children at school said the same. They thought "hope" was crap.
Dad heard that I got blockers. He was mad at Granny and me. He thought it was a sin and nothing good came come from it. This meant constant fights every time he visited. Then suddenly he agreed with it. He heard that my voice would not change, and this meant that I could be a child star for longer. He did put his foot down about getting girl hormones. This would be against the will of God and it would make me look strange. I agreed with Dad. I did not want to go to hell.
Despite everyone's wish that I finally would find fame, it did not come. There were no Talk shows that wanted to talk with me or newspapers and magazines. This was because "Hope" flopped. It did not even enter the top 100. It sold a few thousand records. This was sad, but at the same time, I could understand it. There was no strong song that could be released as a single and I even was not proud of it. Dad and the record company decided everything, even how I looked. When I would come up with a suggestion, they would tell me I was too young.
Everyone at school teased that it was a flop. I was told that I was a wannabe and had no talent. Even the teachers asked me if I thought that people liked my talent? This made me very sad, as singing was the only thing I was good at. "Hope" failed and I felt as if I was a failure. I was too young to be a failure.
Chloe tried to cheer me up and suggested that we went window shopping. This was great fun, as I figured that maybe the failure of "Hope" would mean that I could have a normal childhood. Chloe and I were wearing identical summer dresses as we walked around town. Chloe also admitted that she was happy that I was not famous. She read that sometimes fame went to people's heads and they became idiots. She was also afraid I would not have time for her if I was famous. I had to smile at Chloe. She always knew how to cheer me up.
Dad visited us that night and he was very mad. He saw Chloe and me walking around town. Dad had seen me in a dress. He kept on asking Granny if they did not have a deal, that I would only be a sissy at home? When Dad calmed down, he sat next to me. He gave his speech on how God created man and woman, and how we had to do God's will. A boy dressing as a girl was not God's will. Then he went on about explaining what sin was and this became quite scary. I concentrated on some dust on the TV and did my best not to hear about the fires of hell.
My agent visited us and said the record company was disappointed with hope, but I should have "hope" about my future. They wanted me to record a second album. Dad was telling about some ideas that he had. I interrupted by saying I won't do another album if they don't listen to my ideas.
Dad and the agent looked shocked!
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