Rating: PG-13
It didn't take very long for me to notice her...
She had sandy-blonde hair that reached her mid-back, she had the brightest green eyes that sparkled when the light hit them, and she had a bridge of freckles that danced along her nose. She wore a red jumpsuit with yellow flowers on her very first day, and to top it all off, she wore her hair in pigtails; tied by bright red ribbons.
She got constant stares from people in the hallway, people in her homeroom, and even the teachers couldn't help but glance her way. I was guilty of this myself, but it was hard not to when she seemed to look my way too. She was an unusual kind of girl, though she didn't talk much; she grabbed the attention of everyone, mostly with her strange clothing.
Of course, people liked to talk behind her back too. My friends seemed to be guilty of this..." Why doesn't she wear normal clothing?", "I bet she got those from Goodwill or Savers...", "Why is she so pale?"...
The paleness comment was one that I understood, it was unusual for someone to be as pale as her while living in Arizona. We happened to have the same homeroom and our homeroom teacher thought that she was sick, just based on her skin tone alone. An unfair judgment, sure, but a common one to make of her, nonetheless.
What was probably the most unusual thing about her was how she never paid any attention to what was going on around her. She never responded to the snarky comments that she got in the hallways or the stares that she got over what she was wearing that day. She simply went through the day with a smile and a bounce in her step, it was kind of admirable.
Over time though, she lost the attention that she once was getting. People soon stopped saying things to her and the stares soon ceased. People went about their days and soon, she was a thing of the past...whatever her name was.
Everybody had to attend a required-attendance assembly, I would've skipped it if I could; it was the same old bore-fest that they had three, almost four, times a year. It was the same old speech about bullying, if-you-see-something-something-say-something stuff, and suicide prevention. I was practically falling asleep before they called up a student to the stage. "Would Awanita Denton please join us on stage?". Soon enough, the blonde, green-eyed girl, whose name I had never known, was on stage, wearing a blue cheerleader's uniform. Suddenly, I was no longer dozing off. She had mine, and just about everybody else's, full attention.
She took a deep breath and raised her hand, while holding a pom-pom, in the air. Music was cued and soon enough...she was singing and dancing to the music. The music was terrible, her dances were corny, and her singing was high-pitched, but it didn't matter. The crowd of students and teachers were cheering, stomping their feet, and singing along with her. It was kind of amazing. For someone who rarely ever talked, she sure knew how to draw attention to herself.
She soon finished her routine and heaved a sigh. Everybody began clapping and cheering some more. She pointed to someone in the crowd. Not just anybody though, she was pointing to me. Awanita retracted her hand and blew a kiss in my direction.
My heart leaped out of my throat and my face reddened to a deep-cherry color. There was no way that was meant for me. That had to be for a football player or a track star, right? But, as if she was confirming my suspicions, she held her gaze on me and winked at me on her way out. That wasn't for some boring, small-brained football player. That was meant for me.
I couldn't focus at all on my studies or my friends when they talked to me. All I could think about was her eyes on me, her blowing me a kiss, her winking at me, her..."Lauren! Are you even listening to anything I'm saying?", I woke up from my daydream. "What?", I said dumbly. Cassidy rolled her eyes, "Of course, you weren't listening to me, wasn't that Awaney performance the stupidest shit you've ever seen?", she laughed. My cheeks grew red with anger, how dare she talk about Awanita like that. She didn't even pronounce her name right, and now she wants to say things like that? Ugh! I had to put down my anger and pride just to be able to respond to Cassidy. "I don't think everybody else would agree with you on that", I said, trying not to mock her.
Usually, Cassidy was a reasonably nice person, but right now, she seemed like the stereotypical high school mean girl. She fit the part with her expressive make-up and her hair done up in a ponytail. "Don't you pay attention to your surroundings? "Everybody is saying that she looked like a total moron". I couldn't contradict her words. Cassidy was more in the popularity loop than I ever would be, so I kind of had to trust her judgment. "I guess...", I replied unenthusiastically.
Cassidy had been right, the more I paid attention, the more I heard the snide comments down the hallways, after school, at bus stops, and the backs of classrooms. I felt bad for Awanita, she had been here for barely three months. However, I had kept a pretty low profile since I moved here. I couldn't just ruin that by trying to interfere. So I did nothing. Until I saw Cassidy and Awanita together.
Cassidy and Awanita were found together near the women's restroom in the third wing of the school, typically where all of the juniors' lockers were located. Once I saw them, I hid behind a wall, separating myself from them. I eavesdropped on their conversation.
"What the hell was that sort of freak show you put on?" Cassidy sneered, "Are you trying to make everyone think you're some mental nutcase? Because it's working". Heat flared up to my cheeks as the rage within me grew. "And what the heck was the kiss-blowing for?" Cassidy said, getting angrier by the second. "I know you did that to my man, if you dare to even look at him, I will slice you up, bitch!", Cassidy's voice sounded shrill as if this was out of desperation.
Cassidy was wrong on so many levels with what she just said. First of all, that kiss was not directed at her boyfriend, it was directed at me. Her boyfriend was at the very front of the crowd, right up to the stage, so there was no way that was for him. She was also wrong in saying that she would slice Awanita up by merely looking at him. Jake, her boyfriend, had been cheating on Cassidy with plenty of other girls, some of which were from her friend group since they first started dating. It was common school knowledge to everyone except, of course, Cassidy.
"You know what? How about I just get rid of you right here, that would make everybody's lives easier...". The click of a switchblade rang in the almost-empty hallway. Fear struck my heart. Was Cassidy going to hurt Awanita? Cassidy had never gone too far with anything, but now she was pulling knives on people. Why?
None of those questions mattered, what mattered was protecting the only person I had ever loved. Wait. Did I just say that? Oh my god. Wait. Get back in the game! We can think about that later! Just save Awanita!
I tiptoed out from my hiding spot, thankfully Cassidy was facing away from me. I lurched forward toward her and grabbed her from behind. "What the...?" Cassidy blurted, right before Awanita smacked the switchblade out of Cassidy's hand. Cassidy tried wiggling out of my grasp, to which she succeeded, but Awanita already had the switchblade in her hand. Cassidy's eyes went wide and she started backing up slowly, soon enough, she whipped around and started sprinting off.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god Awanita wasn't hurt, she mattered a lot to me. It would hurt me if I listened to her being stabbed by Cassidy, by simply standing and doing nothing. "Thank you..." Awanita said finally, to break the vast silence. "Of course, I couldn't let her hurt you like that...so..." I said, meekly. "Do you not think that she is right?" she asked, giving me a quizzical look. "Of course not...I actually kind of admire you, you're elusive...", I said, probably saying more than I should have. "Are you sure it's admiration? Or is it love?" she said, stepping me into the wall that once divided me and her, "Because, I believe that it is love...", she said, grinning at me, "Or at least...that's what I'm feeling...", she leaned in and kissed my lips, wrapping her arms around me, as if she were trying to swallow me whole.
I melted into her kiss...not only was she kissing me, but she also confessed her love for me...was this a dream come true? Was this even real? She began to put her hands underneath my shirt, making my heart pound even more. This wasn't a dream, this was the beautiful reality that I had wanted since I first met her eyes. But with reality came bad luck. A pair of voices could be heard not far off from where we were...dammit. Awanita let go of my bra strap she began to undo it and soon fell away from my embrace. I longed for her lips on mine and for her skin to touch mine, but that longing did nothing for me. The voices came closer and closer with each passing second and they soon passed by the third wing, onto the fourth wing.
Awanita kissed my cheek, "To be continued", she said, without any hesitation in her voice. We had just made out, that was already a dream, but now she wanted more. Could this day get any better?
I went about the rest of my day with a smile on my face. I made out with the girl of my dreams, I stood up to my stereotypical mean girl "friend", and there haven't been any consequences for any of it. Has anybody ever gotten so lucky?
I arrived home with the same smile that I had on my face before. I went up to my room and plopped on my bed, still imagining what happened only a few hours before. My face reddened at the thoughts and I soon was squealing into my pillow. I had never had any luck with love, so for something like this to happen...it was impossible. But it happened. So, I guess it wasn't impossible.
A knock rapped on my door. "What is it?", I shouted from the comfort of my bed. "There is somebody downstairs to see you", my mother said, from outside the door. I arched my eyebrows in confusion. Who could be here to see me? The only person I could expect to see outside of school was Cassidy on the days that she wanted me to give her answers to Physics homework, but there was no homework and, after what happened, I would not be seeing her for a while; if at all.
I strutted down the stair steps to find myself in disbelief once more. Standing near the front door, while talking to my mother, was Awanita. What was she doing here? How did she know where I lived? Awanita glanced my way and smiled at me. My heart raced all over again as it did at the assembly.
"Lauren! Come say hi to your friend, she came by saying you had homework that you two were going to do together", my mother said, completely buying Awanita's lies. Awanita gave me a wink as if to signal me to go with it. "Uh, yeah, we have some American Lit homework that I don't understand and she offered to help me, so I invited her over...sorry for not telling you...I forgot", the lies seemed to pour out of me. I had never lied to my parents before, I had never snuck out before, I never even stole a snack as a little kid or anything. This was completely new for me, but it felt so easy...as if I had done it a thousand times before. Maybe it was because I was doing it for Awanita?
"Alright, Awanita was it? You can go up to Lauren's room", my mother said, sending her off. I raced up to my room before she even took a step into the living room. I scanned my room and moved around some things; dirty clothes were put in the hamper, books were thrown on the shelf, and the blankets on her bed were straightened out. Awanita entered her room the second I finished, though it wasn't perfect, it was cleaner than it once was.
"So why are you here?", I asked her, though I had a pretty good idea what her response was going to be, "I said 'to be continued', didn't I?", she smiled at me again, sending my heart to Mars. "You did...but I didn't think that meant coming to my house...", I was completely meek and unconfident when I was with her, she put me in a dire state. She sat on my bed and smoothed down the covers, "Come here", she commanded me. Against the will of my brain, my feet moved toward her and, eventually, I was sitting next to her on my bed. She scooted herself closer to me and put her hands on my hips. She put her chest up to mine and began kissing me, first sweetly. Then, she slipped her tongue in between my lips, and our tongues danced with one another. It was exhilarating.
The moment was hot and it seemed to last forever. Once again, her hands ended up underneath my shirt, but I didn't stop them. I think I wanted them there, or anywhere on me at least. She undid my bra and let her hands interact with my chest. My heart pounded rapidly at the motion. I didn't care what else happened at that moment, nothing seemed to matter anymore...
My hands did something that I never expected them to do. They did the same as Awanita...they reached under her shirt, undid her bra, and explored. I had never touched a girl in such a way, it was truly an experience. Then the thought came to my mind, I am a lesbian, no doubt about it.
I had never really been attracted to the boys in my classes or any of my guy friends that I gained throughout my life, though they tended to be attracted to me. But with Awanita here in my grasp, it makes sense why I never liked boys, I was meant to like Awanita. It felt right, but it also felt wrong...how would my parents react to me being a lesbian? They were completely against the community; they said that people like that had mental problems and that they needed to see doctors. It truly sickened me. Then it hit me, I could never tell them about my orientation, I would be shunned or worse...I couldn't risk that, not now.
Though I didn't want it to, the moment soon quieted down and we were lying on my bed, side-by-side, talking about her. "So, where did you live before you came here?", I asked her. After all, what place had the norm of wearing red jumpsuits and red ribbons in your hair on the first day of school? "I have always lived here, I've just been homeschooled", she responded simply. Okay, so red jumpsuits and red ribbons are the school uniform for home-schoolers. Gotcha. "My mom makes me clothes sometimes", she said, as if she read my thoughts. "She makes me lots of dresses, but sometimes she goes out of her comfort zone and makes overalls, or jumpsuits, or even trench coats", it was clear that she admired her mother, just based on the way that she talked about her. "Do you get along with your parents?", her expression changed. Oh shit, I just hit a nerve. "I get along fine with my mom, but I haven't seen my dad since I was five, so I don't know about him...", her voice trailed off. "I'm sorry...", I said hastily, "I've come to terms with it, so it's fine", her expression didn't say the same. It was clear that this still bothered her. Although I was curious about what her father was up to now, I didn't push any further, knowing that it would only hurt her feelings more.
There was a knock on my door, "Come in!", I shouted from the other side. My mother entered my room with a grim look on her face, "Sweetie...can you and your friend go outside and go for a walk?...Your father is home...". By that, she means that my father came home from a bar, is drunk, and is looking for a fight. "Yeah, of course...", I said, tired of this bullshit with my dad. I guess that's how Awanita and I could relate...daddy issues. It's honestly sad.
Awanita and I left my house without another word to my mother. "Well now that we were kicked out, where do you want to go?", I asked. "How about we go to my house? My mom should still be at work, so we should have the house to ourselves", she said with a smile on her face. We reached her house, which was only a few blocks from mine. Her house was, surprisingly, normal, despite the yards of fabric in the corner of the living room, next to a sewing machine and a shelf filled with boxes of needles, needle pillows, thread, embroidery floss, and fabric materials (fabric glue, scissors, etc.). They had a grey couch in front of a coffee table, in front of a TV stand with a 64-inch TV standing on it. Their kitchen was normal too, there were some handmade hand towels, but that was about it. We went up to her bedroom, which seemed to be the most abnormal. None of her room matched, which seemed to be her style. She had a small TV in her room that stood on a grey, wooden stand. Her closet doors were painted yellow and they held all of her clothing (both normal and the clothes that her mother made her). Her bed was blue, with a pink quilt on it. Her walls were painted green with pink, yellow, blue, and orange flowers on them. Her room was interesting to look at, to say the least. "So, do you want to watch a movie", she asked, plopping on her bed with a TV remote in hand. "Sure, what are we going to watch?", "I love The Fault In Our Stars", she gushed. We were alike in that way too. I watched the Fault In Our Stars when I was 15, I used it as a way to convince myself that guys were hot. It didn't work, instead, I liked Hazel over Augustus, though Augustus was an attractive guy, even I could admit that.
We slouched on Awanita's bed and snacked on microwave popcorn while watching the movie. It was a sweet movie, just as I had remembered it. It was only better with Awanita being here with me. This, somehow, felt better than making out, despite that being wonderful. It was sweet how she cried over Augustus at the part in the movie. I loved how she snuggled into my arms whenever it seemed like she couldn't even bear to see the heartbroken Hazel. I loved it whenever she would flip the TV off, whenever Peter Van Houten would come on screen. It was kind of like seeing a whole new light of her.
Things started to shift when Awanita's mother came home from work. She wasn't shocked that I was here, and she didn't seem to mind either. She only smiled at me, introduced herself, and said that she was happy to meet me. She seemed nice. But, the look that she gave Awanita said otherwise. When Awanita and her mother excused themselves to go talk in another room, I started to get worried. Was I an unwelcome guest? Or was this something entirely different? Against every ounce of my conscience, I went to the door of the room where they were talking and eavesdropped.
"Isn't she the fifth girl you have brought home?" Awanita's mother asked, more harshly than I would've liked her to, "Yes, but this time it's different! I promise! I like Lauren!", Awanita said, lifting my heart from my chest all over again. "You said that about the last one too, and look where that ended up", she snapped back, "You have already hurt 4 other girls, don't do it again, she seems really nice and she doesn't deserve to be hurt like that". What happened to Awanita and her other girlfriends? Did she really mean it when she said that she liked me? Am I going to turn out like the rest? "You don't seem to understand mom, I am in love with Lauren and I can say that without a doubt", she sounded more determined to win this fight against her mother. I had decided then, even if I would eventually be cast off, I wasn't going to leave Awanita. I loved her, after all.
School was a bore, it typically was until Awanita showed up. But she wasn't here today, it was the only day that she had missed school. It was unusual to say the least. Nobody, except me, seemed to care. Not only was she the unseen, but also the freak, the freak that people should stay away from. If I were the same person that first saw her in homeroom, I would agree with them. But now that I knew her better, I couldn't accept that.
Although Awanita wasn't getting attention, I certainly was. With the shit that I pulled on Cassidy, this stay-low-game I had played was no longer working. Now, Cassidy's friends were all up on my ass and it was more than just annoying. They constantly picked on me with every chance that they could get. They would say snarky things in my ear as they would pass me in the hallway and try to knock things out of my hands. It was all petty nonsense, it was childish, but still annoying.
Without Awanita, I was a little lonely. I didn't really have friends, all I have is Cassidy. Or "had Cassidy" more like. Cassidy wasn't really my friend either. She never asked me to hang out outside of school, she never invited me to birthday parties, never invited me to sleepover, she rarely even texted me. Some friend she was. I guess I was a loser for not having any friends, but, to be honest, I didn't really care. I didn't really need friends at all. Cassidy had just sat at my lunch table one day and started complaining to me about something stupid. I was her complain-to-me-and-I'll-listen buddy. Maybe I deserved to not have any friends. Maybe something happened to where this became my fate. Who knows? It didn't really matter now. I have to remember that Awanita is my friendthough.
Gosh, she is gone for one day and I'm already forgetting that she is my friend along with my girlfriend.
I was dazed throughout all of my classes, but I managed to get through the day without having any switchblades pulled on me. I had a feeling that Cassidy and her friend's pestering wouldn't stop at comments and pushing though. Having dealt with knives before though, I felt more prepared for it than I probably should've felt.
I had seen knives, broken glass bottles, and guns before in the worst ways possible, most of which, came from my own father. Though he had never shot a gun or stabbed anybody with broken glass, it was still a terrible experience to watch somebody be threatened with a weapon. Especially when I couldn't escape into my bedroom or outdoors for a walk.
I decided to stop by Awanita's house to check up on her. Maybe this would help convince her mom that I was going to stay with Awanita, I would think that she would need confirmation from me as well. I knocked on the door and waited patiently for Awanita's mother to answer it.
At first she was smiling, before she saw me. I smiled at her to maybe receive another smile from her, but I got none from her. "Awanita, tell her...", she said, walking away from the door. Tell me what? I came by because Awanita had missed school. What couldn't she tell me at school? She came to the door with a sullen look on her face, I started speaking before she could, "Hey, I just came by because you weren't at school, are you sick? Is there anything I can do for you?. "I was at school...I'm not going to public school anymore, I'm being homeschooled again...", she said, not looking at me. "Oh okay, I'll just come by more often so I can see you!", I said, trying to lighten up the mood. "Actually..." she started off, "I think we need to break up...", she drifted off. My heart shattered at that exact moment. "Wh-", she closed the door before I could say anything.
This must have been the worst pain I have ever felt. I had felt emotional pain before, but in a different way. But, somehow, this felt worse. I had been screamed at, insulted, threatened, and everything of the sort. But that one sentence made my heart feel like it would never heal. I truly loved her, and I thought that she loved me too. Maybe she still did. With something like this, it felt off that her mother knew about it. Maybe her mom forced her to break up with me. Or maybe she really didn't love me anymore. There was no way to be sure based on thoughts alone. But, one thing was for sure, I wasn't going to give up on Awanita yet.
I stayed at Awanita's house until nightfall, in her backyard. Before nightfall, I had found and made a pile of pebbles for me to throw at her window. Her window was at the top floor. Her light flickered on and soon the backyard was radiant with an orange light. I aimed my first pebble upward, but I missed her window by a large margin and hit below her window, by about 4 inches. I threw another pebble but missed her window again, but I was closer than I was before. I aimed once more and I was successful at hitting her window. Yes!
She walked over to her window and inspected the back yard, only to find me staring up at her. Her face, at first, seemed to brighten up, but then it went back to the sullen look she had before when she met me at the door. She opened up her window. "What are you doing here?", she snapped at me. "No matter what you say, I'm not giving up on you!", I yelled up at her, "Why not? You're beautiful, it shouldn't be hard for you to get another girlfriend", she reasoned. "I don't want another girlfriend, I want you", I contradicted, "Why are you being so stubborn?", she was visibly getting angry with me, "Because I'm in love with you!". That seemed to stop any words that she was going to throw at me.
"I love you too, I really do, but I can't love you", she looked like she wanted to cry. "I know this is because of your mom, and I'm going to be honest, I know what you and your mom talked about when I was there", "But, despite you having multiple girlfriends and being the heartbreaker, I still love you more than anything!", this felt like some cheesy romance manga, and the words that had come out of her mouth only made it feel more like it. For once, she smiled. "How about you come inside?", she invited me. "What? Really?", I asked in disbelief. "Of course, my mom will be sure to let us be together with all you just said, right?" she smiled. I ran to the front door and waited with excitement. I am so glad that I didn't give up on her. I probably had the biggest smile on my face.
Awanita opened the door with the same smile that I had on my face. She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. "Awanita? What's all that noise?", her mother said walking into the room, completely unaware of my presence. Her words were cut short when she saw me, holding Awanita's hand. She glared at her daughter. "Didn't you tell her about ending this silly nonsense already?", she snapped at her daughter. "Ma'am, if I may...", I stepped in, hoping that this would all work out. "I truly am in love with your daughter, and you may believe that Awanita does not have the same feelings that I do, but she has proven to me that she does", her mother was listening intently, so was Awanita. "I have never met anybody so extraordinary before, she has completely changed my outlook on life...".
"I could never give her up!", I yelled, saying something like that was not something I had prepared in my head. I had prepared to say that I loved her and that she meant the world to me, but that was about it. Now it seemed like I was fighting Awanita's mother.
Awanita's mother smiled and let a moment of pause sit between us. My heart raced in anticipation. I wanted, more than anything, to be with Awanita. I knew for a fact that it wouldn't be possible without her mother's approval, especially because Awanita was home schooled now. "Do you really love her that much?", she asked me, "More than anything", I replied with zero hesitation. "Awanita, how do you feel about Lauren?", she turned to Awanita. "I feel the same as her, I love her more than anything!", she exclaimed. Her mother sighed, "I guess I have to let this happen don't I?", she smiled. My heart and face beamed with joy, I turned to Awanita and kissed her, not even caring that her mother was still in the room. This was a miracle.
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It's been seven years since I met Awanita...
Awanita continued to be home schooled, and I visited her almost every day. My parents had no idea that we were dating until later on in our relationship. Her mother was always delighted to see me, and I even stopped by on holidays. Awanita was always there to help me with my homework, even though she no longer atteneded my school.
Two years ago, I proposed to Awanita on New Year's Day. I had been planning the proposal for weeks and yet, even to this day, I still feel like it didn't go perfectly. Sure, I proposed right as the second round of fireworks went off and I had the people around us cheering as soon as she said yes. But, it still felt like something went wrong, maybe that was my personality.
Fast forward to present day, Awanita and I are now foster parents. We are currently fostering five children; two girls and three boys, two of which are teenagers and are in need of homes.
I don't think my life could be any better, even if I traveled back in time and fixed some things. I believe that the statement "Everything happens according to a plan", is true. I believe that I was meant to fall in love with Awanita and I believe that she was meant to fall in love with me. Maybe that feeling is what makes love, love...
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