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Love at first sight. That was what Kira experienced. From the moment she saw him she was infatuated. His calm demeanor put her at ease. His easy smile lit up her own. She loved the way he was so easy to hang out with and how he would take an interest in anything she did. He couldn't care less what the world had to think and she knew that.
Time went by. A shy hello and a wave there. Kira built up her courage to ask him on a date. They went out. They ate together, laughed together, and even cried together during The Bridge to Terabithia. Kira thought they were for forever. She made plans. Built a life in her mind of what could be.
Months go by and Kira records days on her phone: his birthday, their anniversary, their first kiss, the first time she said "I love you", his first I love you after. Her friends all loved them. They were such a ship! There were never any problems.
There were never any problems. The two of them didn't even fight. He agreed with most of Kira's thoughts. Let her live her own life even. What could Kira complain about? He was perfect. So what if he was a little too casual about her feelings of hurt? He was just a rational guy. It helped even, for her to see it through a calm outlook. Who cared if it didn't seem like he was concerned about what made her upset? He comforted her in his own way. She could tell.
More time passed and Kira started to shake in her resolve. Why should she though? She questioned herself. She knew this was true love. It had given her all those feelings she had heard described in books and movies. Who cared if right now they were in a dry spell? She knew he loved her. She made plans all the time for their future. Why should she give that up? That's right she made plans. She made plans.
Kira couldn't remember him ever making arrangements to hang out. She was always the first to initiate. She always asked and set the dates. That didn't matter, right? She knew he loved her. Who cares who makes the plans if you're both showing up on time and spending it together? Did that matter?
Kira started watching. He always responded right back with no hesitation when she spoke to him. He always was quick with his "I love you". She could see he cared for her. So what was this feeling? She felt hollow. Lifeless. Empty. Numb.
She no longer had the same passion to talk with him. Yes, he was calm, but instead of giving her a level head, it made her lose heart. He was easy going and she had once loved that about him. Now she debated if he cared as much as she did. Did he actually like what they did together or was he just going along? She realized she didn't know.
In fact, she didn't know much about him at all. She had bought him gifts but very vague ones. He had never told her much about himself but she had never asked either. Was he happy? What did she like about him in the first place? His looks? His smile? Was he truly calm when they talked or just cautious to her reaction? So many questions. Why did she no longer feel the way she first did?
She asked for some time. Kira didn't want to hurt him. After all, he was good to her. No signs or red flags. He was attentive and kind. Never lashed out with his words or shouted. So why? Why did she feel this way?
Anagapesis.
That was all she could think of. Kira just did not love him anymore. Did that matter though? She had already made plans. She already decided when he would propose. How he would do it. Where they would live. Her whole life was already set. Who cared about how she felt?
A pang entered her chest. She cared. She cared that she didn't love him the same. What could she do though? Was it fair to break up with him because of her feelings? Surely he deserved better than to be dating someone who didn't love him.
The thought gave her pause. She had never considered his thoughts on the matter. furthermore, upon consideration, Kira realized she hadn't thought about his feelings since that first date. He said, "I love you", but did he agree with her plans? When had this started?
It started with her. Kira realized her error. Very seldom did she even stop to ask him her opinion? Even in talking to him she just wanted him to affirm her. Yes, he was calm and collected but what she wanted she had never asked for. How could he tell her his opinion if she didn't even show him she valued it? Kira could even remember after reflecting on the day he stopped giving it. Gradually the life and joy in his eyes died. Along with hers in the relationship.
She would talk to him. Tell him her feelings. Tell him her discovery. Give him the choice to decide. Give him the chance to share his opinion. After all the time they spent together still meant something to her. She could do some changing.
A while went by as Kira built up her courage. She talked to him. Told him her feelings. He listened like he always did. Didn't interrupt. Didn't reveal his emotions. Then came time for his turn.
"You're right." He breathed and shook himself. "I've been noticing that The girl I've been dating is not the same girl who asked me out."
Kira was shocked. "What do you mean?"
"You talked a lot about love and plans. I was in them but never a part of them. Lately, I've been finding myself missing the girl who asked me out on that first date. I've missed the same girl who was so attentive to how I felt that she guessed the exact time I would ask her out. I've missed being able to talk with you about my life. I've missed the girl I fell in love with. I missed the girl before we started dating. Who would always ask me how my day was."
"I see." Kira understood what that meant. He had fallen out of love with her too. Maybe it wasn't just his fault that she felt so numb toward him. All these months kora felt nothing. Realizing now that it was about to end she felt a pang in her chest. She had fallen out of love with him but seeing a small glimpse of his feelings made her long to know more. She knew though that she had ruined it.
"However, I see that girl a bit now. This is the first time in a while that you've actually asked for my opinion. I know you don't feel the same way anymore and I know that this is also my fault. I still love the girl I see right now. I also understand that you might have changed, but still. I'd like to try again. No plans for now. Just anew. How does that sound?"
Kira thought about it. She didn't feel anything right now. She also knew that emotions were fickle things. They came and went as they pleased. Knowing this Kira decided the guy before her was worth it to her. Worth trying again and starting over. This time with more consideration.
"I think I'd want that. Are you ok with that Ethan?" She asked.
"I'd want that, Kira," Ethan replied. Then he smiled, and something warm rose in Kira. Different from the infatuated love she had at the start. Small but present. She still felt that coldness but there was a crack in the numb wall around her heart.
Ethan may not bring her eternal joy, happiness, and peace. There might be times when she didn't feel the love, so to speak. She even might go through periods just like this one. They may not be so easily fixed. Next time they might cut it off. For now, she was content. She finally saw the boy she'd been infatuated with for so long. She saw the boy whom she fell out of love with, and she saw the boy before her now. Ethan wasn't perfect but neither was she. What she saw in him in this conversation had earned her respect. If this small crack opened more and she decided to make more plans. They would make them together. Not just her.
Kira and Ethan would make plans. Together, from here on out.
(Self-inserted personal thoughts): So....... I'm not entirely sure I followed the prompt but I had fun. I started writing with the intent to have them break up but then this formed. I guess I just went with it. Whoops, hope it's all right.
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