I probably would have gone my whole life not knowing there was a proper word to describe how I felt about you. It was entirely by chance that I stumbled on the word, anagapesis. Big word, weird word, sad word. But it perfectly described how I felt about you, or rather, how I felt about our relationship.
Ours was one of those cheesy love at first sight stories. At least for me it was; you already had a girlfriend when we first met. You had a confidence about you that was alluring, even when we were all lost in an unfamiliar town. You took the lead, and we followed; not once did you show anxiety. You were calm, like you knew all the answers. No, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. You weren't that confident when we were together.
That first day we met, that version of you is forever burned into my memory. In the sweltering heat, you were wearing a black shirt and didn't break a sweat, despite the fact we'd been walking for 45 minutes. No, maybe I'm remembering that wrong too. You broke out in sweat quite easily with the slightest physical activity while we were dating.
Do you remember our first date? I know, I said I didn't enjoy it, but I was over the moon. It was one of the best days I'd had; I wish it had lasted longer. I barely remember our other dates, but I've never forgotten our first.
You got along well with my girlfriends; I liked that. I loved it even better when they didn't mind having you around. You fit in like you'd always belonged with us. I confess, I was a little jealous when they invited you to the baking session. I know I wasn't keen on baking, but I was their friend first, and I didn't get invited!
Sometimes being with you was like a fairy tale. Our ups always balanced out our downs. The more time we spent together, the deeper I fell in love with you. You seemed to be able to read my mind sometimes; I liked that. But I often wondered if I did the same for you.
You know I idolised you... So much that I started to doubt whether it was right for me to be with you. You were almost perfect. That frightened me. Not as much as when I realised my friends all started to have feelings for you.
I saw the way Sapna looked at us when we were together. the way Jullietta would run to you rather than her boyfriend. the way Marissa poked fun at me whenever you were around. The worst of all was Despina and the way she threw herself at you.
I know; I said I wasn't jealous and that I was okay with all of it. I lied. How could I be okay with any of it?! That was the first time I felt you betrayed me, when you took me at my word. You, who always knew my mind, even when I didn't speak the truth. Why would you then believe what I said?
Time is both a healer and a killer. Those small betrayals dug deep wounds in my heart. The more things carried on, the emptier I felt, and the more my trust in you withered. You were still romantic with the gifts and surprises. But I couldn't enjoy them any more. You were still doing everything right, but I couldn't see your love in it.
Did you notice that when I stopped hanging around my friends, they still invited you? Did you notice you were spending more time with them than I was? Did you notice when you left me alone on some evenings to go out with them? Did you notice how frazzled I was?
I always dreaded the moment we would break up. I tried to do everything to prevent it from happening. Yet when it did happen, I had no feelings. I wasn't distraught, or angry, or sad, or depressed; I wasn't even happy either. I was just normal, unfazed, like I'd simply hopped off the bus at my stop; it was just an obvious, ordinary thing.
Funny that. Because when I think back to the day you broke up with me, I get this fleeting feeling of freedom. Before our split, I could have sworn on my life that I would have been devastated if we broke up, but then we did, and instead I felt free.145Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrtPtlzVQZ
