Today is May the 4th be with you. Yes it's a silly notion but it's fun too. I attempted to keep my mind from thinking about my transphobic mother today as it's her birthday. I've had some serious issues with her so I can't talk to her. It's always the two year anniversary of my current relationship. Yes it's completely platonic now and is basically like being with a friend but its still important to celebrate these things. So we went out today and spent the day together. We are only dating and when we do get seperate places I may decide to end things and pursue a relationship with a more mature person. For now I have no options though. I semi enjoy my time with her, as a friend. In all honesty though I feel better spending time with the friend I live with. I saw tears in her eyes tonight and just wanted to hold her while she cried. We ended up going for a long walk and talked about things that have been upsetting us. I only realise now I hadn't brought up my mother at all. Perhaps the wound of her transpobia is still too deep and fresh for me to even want to talk about. I'm getting help from a domestic abuse service and hopefully I'll get some counselling on the subject to help me move on. I've actually been in a crisis situation since it happened and so haven't had any support with getting work since moving to the city. Next week the crisis ends and I can link in with an employment service.
At least I didn't have to go into a women's shelter. I know trans women are turned away from most. If it wasn't for my friend I'd probably have not wanted to go on. Losing my family and having them stab me in the back was a straw that would have certainly broken me. I guess I've never thought of it until now but I really do owe my friend so much for helping me out of that horrendous situation. It was my partners idea to message her, well it was her that messaged her and organised it. At the time I was completely broken and wasn't able to do anything. Being with my friend has rekindled so much happiness and hope in my life. I now call her my best friend and want to be there for her through everything.
You may think it sounds selfish that I don't appreciate my partner more for stepping up in that situation but the truth is that she was the one that made the situation happen. I don't hate her, I do slightly resent her for it and for the two times she hit me.
Tonight though helped me to think about things better and what makes me happy. The close comfort of my friend. How much her boys care about me and how much I care about them and how the small things we do can bring so much comfort to us. I have a drive to see myself and those around me be happy
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