DARK PARADISE:
Lana Del Rey
“And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
845Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cmrten2Wt
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side”845Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5JrqnNpXQ
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I leaned against his shoulder, cuddling on the couch with some bad sci-fi movie on in the background. “I love you,” I whispered.
“I love you, too, Peanut.”
“I just want to stay like this forever.”
His hand ran through my dark hair, combing it with his fingers, and said nothing.
****
Someone is banging on my door. Rather loudly at that. I simply lay on the couch, staring up at the ceiling and ignoring whoever is there.
“Arabella! I know you’re in there!” I hear the voice of Shelby, my best friend, call through the door.
I stay silent.
“You haven’t left the apartment in weeks! Just open the door!”
More silence on my side. I close my eyes. I don’t have the energy to move or speak. I just want to lay on my couch and decay. My soul feels like it's made of lead and the idea of moving makes my head rush. After spending weeks doing nothing but crying, I was left feeling empty. As though all the tears had carried every bit of substance away with them and now I was just a husk, unable to even cry.
“Come on, Bells! Open the damn door!”
“Go away!” I yell, slurring the words together.
“No, I’m not leaving you like this!”
I stay silent.
“Well, fine,” Shelby says through the door. “I’ll just sit here and talk to you like this.” I sigh and press the heels of my palms against my eyes as I hear her settling down in the hallway outside my apartment. If I know anything about Shelby it's that she's a stubborn little thing and if I don’t let her in she’ll just sit outside annoying me and my neighbors. After mustering up the energy and strength, I get up and trudge over to the door.
My black hair is a tangled mess, sticking up in every which direction, my face is unwashed and swollen from days of crying, and my clothes are just pajamas that I haven’t bothered changing in days. Throwing the door open, I glare at my petite friend, feeling like a dirty giant as I tower over her.
“What do you want?” I demand.
“Bella,” she says softly as she stood up, “I just want to help you. It’s been three weeks. It’s time to move on.”
“No. That’s… that’s not going to happen.”
***
I was doing dishes when I felt arms and calloused hands suddenly come around me and cover my eyes. I jumped in surprise as my vision suddenly disappeared. “Guess who?!” a masculine voice cried out playfully.
“Hmmm, could it be Matty?” I giggled. The hands fell from my eyes and I turned around, seeing my rather large boyfriend looking at me with a pout on his face.
“Hmph. Takes all the fun out if you can guess so easily!”
I stood up on my tip toes and leaned into Mat, pressing a soft kiss against his lips and feeling the butterflies that I always got in my stomach when I was close to him come alive. “Hm, well, maybe I can make up for that somehow,” I said with a wink.
“Maybe,” he agreed with a glint in his eyes before pressing his lips firmly against mine. My stomach twisted around and heat spread through my body at the simple feeling of lips against me. I shut my eyes and leaned into the kiss more, loving the taste of altoids and tobacco intermingled with the the smell of engine grease that covered him....
***
“You can’t mope forever,” Shelby tells me, taking my hand in hers. She pulls me towards my bedroom, a place I've been avoiding like the plague.
“I’m not moping,” I grunt, digging my heels into the ground and refusing to move.
“Yes, you are. When was the last time you bathed? Or ate? You look like death.”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“I’m worried about you, Bella,” she says as she pushes me into my room, then straight on through and into the master bathroom. “Everyone is and I think getting you out of the house for a bit will be good. Okay?”
“No,” I pout.
She ignores me and barrels right on, starting my shower up and adjusting the water temperature. “So, you’re going to take a shower, wash your hair, shave your legs, and then we’re going to get some lunch with the girls.” She pauses and puts her hands on her hips as she stares at me. “Now, do I need to strip you down and wash you or will you get in the shower willingly?”
“I’ll do it.” I roll my eyes, but the steam coming from the shower feels heavenly and it sounds wonderful to get clean and wash the layer of grime from my body. Once Shelby is out of the room, I step into the hot water and nearly moan at how good it feels pelting down against me.
***
The TV was blaring an infomercial while I dozed, doing my best to keep my eyes open, when I finally heard the jangle and click of keys in a lock. I jumped up from my seat on the sofa, watching as Mat came into the house.
“There you are!” I shouted, angry with his lateness. “It’s two in the morning! I was worried sick!”
Mat looked up at me wearily. “Arabella… don’t. Just don’t. I’m not dealing with your shit tonight.”
“My shit?” I yelled. “My shit?! You’ve come home late every night this week, you won’t answer your phone, you won’t even talk to me!” My voice was getting more shrill the angrier I got and I couldn’t help the tears of anger and frustration building up.
Matthew walked into our bedroom, not saying a word. I followed behind him, continuing my rant. “Where have you even been going, Matty? And don’t try to tell me you’re working late. The garage closes at eight. What have you been doing the past six hours?”
He turned around and took my hands into his, his face softening as he looked straight into my eyes. “Shh, Bells. I’m sorry. I know these last few weeks haven’t been easy. But, I promise, this was the last late light. Okay?” He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “I love you. You won’t have to put with this again, okay?”
I tried to hold on to my anger, but felt it melt away at his calm words. I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could and pressed my face into chest. “I miss you, Matty.”
“I’m here now—”
“You’re so distant. Even when you’re here it’s like you’re not.” I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing myself away so I can look at him. “It’s someone else, isn’t it? You’re seeing another woman.”
“No, never!” he said, a look of surprise writ across his face. He lifted my left hand and pressed a kiss to it, then held it and played with the engagement ring on my hand. “I love you, Peanut. I’d never ever want to hurt you. You’re the only one for me.”
“Then where have you been?” Tears fall from my eyes, though, I try to stop them.
He hesitated. “I won’t hurt you again, I promise. Trust me, Bella. I know, I know, how hard it’s been, but give me a few days and you’ll see exactly what I’ve been doing.” He smiled so bright I couldn’t help but believe every word.
***
I'm grateful upon leaving the shower when I see that Shelby had picked some clothes out of my closet for me. I really wasn’t feeling up to going into my closet.
I slip on the jeans and shirt, frowning when I continuously have to pull up the jeans. They don't fit. Three weeks ago they had been too tight.
The car ride to the diner my friends and I usually meet at and lunch goes by in a blur. Like when you have a cold and everything just seems to be flying by you. I hear them speak, but I'm miles away. Their voices fade into nothingness while I think of nothing in particular at all.
All I can focus on is how much I wanted to sleep so I can have that dream again.
The one with him in it.
***
Work had kept me late that day. It was a Friday evening and I wanted nothing more than to get home and watch bad movies with my fiance.
By the time I was in my car and on the way back to our apartment the sun been out of the sky for several hours.
Pulling out my phone, I noticed six missed calls from Matty.
“I’m so so sorry, Bells,” I heard the last message play. “I— I don’t know what else to do but I can’t do this anymore. I, Bella, I can’t do this anymore. I just, I need to leave.”
My jaw dropped at the message. That sounded like a break-up. But, surely. Surely I wasn’t being dumped…
The next message started. I could hear Matthew’s tearful sobs and broken voice. “I shouldn’t be doing this over the phone. But it can’t wait and I don’t know how else to do this. I love you. I love you so much.”
Next one was short. “I’m so sorry.”
“Bella, I think it’s done. I think I need to call it quits. Call me back.”
“We need to talk. Get back to me soon please.” There were no tears in that one.
I pulled into my parking spot in shock. Matthew’s car was still sitting in it’s place like always and I said a short prayer glad that he was still home. I sat for a moment, hands gripping the wheel tight as I stared straight ahead trying to get a grasp on my emotions as the shock and numbness slowly melted into in anger. How dare he? How dare he break up with me! And over the phone no less!
Slamming the car door open I marched out and made my walk up to the stairs to my door stomping loudly with each step I took. I was fuming, planning out every word I planned to scream at him.
I threw the door open, stepped inside, and got ready for the showdown of my life.
***
Taking a bath is the only thing on my mind when Shelby drops me off at the apartment. All the makeup on my face and the energy used in going out is making me feel gross and I just need to soak in the water for a long time.
Sluggishly I trudge toward my bathroom, ignoring my bedroom once again, start the bathtub up, lay down and let myself sink into the steaming water. I ignore the burning of the hot water against my skin and in fact revel in the fact that it's hot enough to hurt. It feels good. I slip lower and lower, until the water covers my ears, sloshing about as it rushes into them.
I close my eyes, rubbing hard at my eyelids with the palms of my hands to try and dismiss the image of Matthew I see every damn time I close my eyes. I know it was the closest I’d get to ever seeing again, but every time I pictured his face it felt like a both a rush of adrenaline and a stab to the belly.
***
“Matthew Lee Harris!” I yelled as I entered the house, completely dismissive of what the neighbors might think. “How dare you!”
I stomped into the living area and looked around, seeing him nowhere. It was a small apartment. He had to have heard me. He wasn’t in the kitchen or living area which only meant he’d be in the bedroom.
The bedroom doors slammed open, leaving a dent in the wall from the force with which I’d pushed it.
“Matthew, how dare you hide from me—huh?” He wasn’t in the bedroom either. I looked around in confusion before pulling out my phone and dialing his number, ready to give him a piece of my mind, when I heard his ring tone coming from the closet.
***
Sinking lower in the water, I bend my knees up to allow my head to go farther under, until my eyes nose and mouth are completely submerged.
My lungs begin to burn after a few moments, wanting air. I don’t give it to them. I open my eyes, looking up at the ceiling from behind a lens of water
It’s peaceful.
***
‘Why is his phone in the closet?’ I wondered, feeling some of my anger give with the confusion and dread. ‘What’s going on?’
I slowly pushed the closet door open, staring at the site before me for moments as shock overwhelmed my system.
Then I screamed.
Matty was there. With one end of a noose around his neck and the other around the bar in the closet
***
‘It would be so easy to just take a big breath of water...
‘I could end all of this pain right now.’845Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76Mus8TCLk
