"You love my sister, don't you?"
Does she? She does actually. Everybody does. As one should...to their friend. But do all friends experience such severe pain in their chest, as if the heart is being ripped out by tearing the flesh of her chest. She hyperventilated. She couldn't bear the bright light, the chanting of the mantra of the priest, the shy yet lovely smile of her friend as she put the jasmine and rose garland around the neck of her husband as a part of the wedding ceremony rituals. Her husband is the only son of a zamindar or landlord of Halishahar. Quite a good looking fellow, the heir of immense wealth, owner of large plots of land and a three storied cemented house.
"But our Kusum has fallen quite short in the field of looks, hasn't she?"
"Oh that's okay. Kusum's father is a renowned barrister, I'm sure he would be able to suffice his daughter's flaw with a generous amount of dowry."338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMzDvWm1Y8
"That Kusum, she's quite a lucky child to be liked by her in-laws the moment they laid eyes on the child."338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMWTHS3f0Z
"Oh Didi, the fact that she is going to be the wife of the son of the zamindar of Halishahar is indeed quite lucky of her."338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuKtS8rpPR
The wives of the neighboring households had laughed and giggled at their own gossips unaware of the fact that a pair of silver anklet clad feet quickly made her way to somewhere else.
"Why are you being like this? Are you that upset that I didn't break the news to you first but you had to hear it from someone else?"
The owner of the anklet clad feet gasped slightly for breath as she had ran all the way from the bathing arena as known as the gossip arena of women, of the nearby Ganges ghat to her dear friend's house. She was supposed to fill her pitcher with water, but it seems like she'd have to order a servant to do that. When she had denied that's not the case, she isn't upset of not being the first perceiver of the news, her friend had broken into somewhat of smile with a hint of bitterness in it and claimed that she is quite lucky to be chosen by them despite her flaws, how her soon-to-be husband was the one who liked her at a first glance when he saw her in the last year's fair of RathYatra or the car festival, how many girls of her age had the opportunity to get married to an affluent, established family like that of her future husband? This is a great opportunity; such golden opportunity must not be missed.
"And it's not like anyone would listen to my protests if I don't want to do this marriage."
At that moment, she had wanted scream her throat out at her friend that even if nobody listens to you or your protests I will. Your father will. You have no idea how much he loves you. Out of your five siblings, he loves you the most. He values you and your opinions the most, but she couldn't do so as an outsider, a wife of another household. It wasn't her place to interfere in an internal matter like that of a miscommunication between a father and his daughter. Oh how she sometimes wished that she had a father like that who'd pat her head and fill her heart with his warmth.
"Oh my, isn't it Suhas? Dear, did you know that my daughter is getting married finally?"
At that moment Suhasini, nicknamed Suhas, didn't know what kind of expression she had on her face when her friend's mother gushed about their new achievement of marrying off her daughter to an affluent landlord's family. She didn't even know what kind of smile she put on her face at that time as the older woman led her inside the room from the corridor, babbled about her daughter's in-laws' house. Her friend's mother has been trying to marry off her eldest daughter ever since she turned eleven. She was thinking of marrying her daughter off when she was a child of seven but due to her husband's strong opposition she was unable to do so. Finally she was able to convince her husband of marrying Suhasini because if the eldest daughter doesn't get married her siblings too won't be able to get married; and they're getting old, isn't it about time that they become grandparents?
"Sometimes I wonder Mr. Chowdhary, are girl child that much of a hassle to keep them with her parents for a bit more longer time?"
At Mr. Dutta, Kusum's father's emotional enquiry, Mr Chowdhary, Suhasini's father-in-law had given a comforting pat on the other man's shoulder and tried to explain that how the country is still far off from preventing an early marriage of a girl child and treat her equally like that of a male child. One could only hope that such a day would come when there'd no discrimination between a girl and a boy, they'd be on a same level. Suhasini had eavesdropped at their conversation while waiting outside the sitting room, carrying a tray of tea making ingredients to serve them with warm tea. After she had done her job, she didn't waste any more time but rushed to the Ganges ghat on the excuse of filling the pitcher. Even though she got a hint of a dreadful matter, yet she wished to confirm with her own ears and the women's bathing arena is the only way out.
"Oh what is it bouma? Why are you lying down in the middle of the evening? Are you feeling sick?"
Suhasini's kind mother-in-law asked her daughter-in-law. Suhasini had understood her mother-in-law's concerns. After all, she is not lazy type daughter-in-law but the hard working one. She always remained busy in household work and finished them in time. But upon seeing her lying down, could only mean that either she is sick or something had happened to her. Suhasini clenched her teeth and replied to the concerned older woman that she has been feeling dizzy since afternoon so she decided to lie down. Her mother-in-law is neither the violent type to nitpick at her daughter-in-law's chores and punish her accordingly nor is she the nasty type to bully her daughter-in-law simply because she was a poor orphan who was raised by her uncle who was unable to provide much dowry during Suhasini's marriage; instead her kind mother-in-law, Mrs. Chowdhary had accepted and treated the new, future mistress of the household as her own daughter.
"Shall I send a servant to massage your forehead?"
Upon her concerned mother-in-law's enquiry, Suhasini had replied that she's having a headache that's making her dizzy and had tried not to make a big deal out of it but there's no escaping her caring mother-in-law as she sent a servant immediately after she left the former's room. As the servant massaged her forehead, she was lulled to sleep. That night she dreamt of the memories with Kusum that she held dear to her heart. The few days that were left, Suhasini helped out her neighbor, for the arrangements of her friend Kusum's wedding. The hollowness that she had felt during these arrangements and ceremonies did not go away rather it crawled up even more and made a nest for itself in her heart. Initially she had thought that the feeling is temporary but it proved her to be a permanent one, yet she pushed herself forward and forced her lips to stretch itself into a happy smile.
"Suhas, are you alright? You look sad, my friend."
At her friend's inquiry, Suhasini had gulped down a mouthful of sobs that threatened to come out of her mouth and bit the inside of her cheek to prevent tears from rolling down her eyes. She uttered a white lie instead. She assured her friend that she was a bit sad that her only friend would go to her in-laws house after the marriage ceremony. Though her friend didn't seem quite assured, she let the matter drop for now. The next day Suhas dreaded to step into her neighbor's house. Nevertheless she endured the hollowness and the stifling pain of her chest and carried on with the preparations, she wondered if she is coming down with a heart disease.
Soon it was the day of her friend's wedding.
"Is there something troubling you? You can tell me if you want."
Suhasini's unusual quiet behaviour was noticed by her husband, Avinash, as well. It's not like Suhasini was a talkative person but these days she looked so lifeless. Upon listening to this enquiry, she cried her eyes out in her husband's embrace. When she calmed down she told him that since her friend would be going away to the in-laws' house she'd be pretty lonely. Her husband smiled and assured her that he'd take her to visit her friend's house whenever she'd wish to. Though Suhasini smiled at that, but she couldn't fall asleep at all that night. Looking at her husband's sleeping face, she bit her lip and thought that she is quite an undeserving person for all the kindness that her mother-in-law and her husband has showered upon her when she did nothing to deserve them but simply thought the vermilion on her head as a crown made of thorn, her bangles on her wrists as iron chains and her anklets as ropes that are tying her down somewhere she didn't want to be. She wished to tear Kusum away from everyone and everything and run away somewhere far with her. She was herself surprised at all these illicit thoughts. She forcefully got rid of those thoughts herself and prayed to God constantly to help her with good and well-wishing thoughts for her friend.
"Are you still not going to tell me what happened to you? You won't see me anymore."
Kusum had popped up the same question once again when all other excited ladies had exited the room upon the arrival of the bridegroom and Suhasini was the last one to exit but she was halted by the question from her friend who looked nothing but ethereally beautiful in her red bridal wear, golden accessories and rose-jasmine garland-the neighboring house's wives have indeed done a good job but then again Kusum was always beautiful in Suhas' eyes. Before Suhas could even react for having such illicit thoughts, her friend probed her again impatiently but then in the next moment the latter was whisked away to the wedding ceremony by the ladies.
And that was when, Suhasini felt a massive stab in her heart.
Her eyes blurred with tears of unknown reason and she felt several thorns stabbing her heart when the bride and the groom completed the rituals of wedding ceremony one by one. In the end, Suhasini felt hyperventilated, trapped and therefore she ran away; ran away from the wedding ceremony; ran away from the joyous and happy moments; ran away from her only friend.
The abrupt question from Kusum's brother shook Suhasini to the core. Fresh tears erupted out of her eyes no matter how much she bit the insides of her cheek to stop them and once again she felt herself being adorned with a crown of thorns, iron shackles on her wrists and rope tied at her ankle. It was only when her husband came to fetch her from the terrace did she manage to get back to her home, she didn't attend the rest of the wedding rituals and for the next three days straight she remained unconscious with fever as she felt guilty within for harbouring illicit feelings for her friend instead of her husband, she felt like she was tricking everyone and a trickster like her doesn't deserve anybody's care and concern.
When she came to terms with her health, she discovered that it has been four days since Kusum left for her in-laws' house and being a horrible friend she couldn't even say goodbye to her.
Upon seeing her upset, her kind husband promised her; "Don't worry, I'll take you to Halishahar someday. Let me wrap up my work here, in Nator."
Unfortunately, the promise that her husband made to her remained unfulfilled and all her hopes shattered to pieces when on Dashami or the tenth or immersion day of Durga Puja festival, news arrived from Halishahar that Kusum had committed suicide.
She is no more.
Why she took such a decision, no one knew.
On the immersion day of the Goddess Durga idol, Kusum too, immersed herself in to the darkest abyss of death that put her to an eternal sleep.
Shouts and sobs broke out from the Dutta household. Within minutes clouds of gloom and sadness accumulated over the residents of the household as none of them wanted to believe such news. Kusum's mother lost consciousness and Mr. Dutta simply sat down on the couch pathetically, his eyes tinged red.
The copper plate consisting of vermilion, sweets and betel leaves slipped out of the trembling hands of Suhasini and fell on the floor with thud when she heard the news from a mutual housemaid of both Dutta and Chowdhary household. After that what happened, Suhas cannot remember. Her memories again started when she fell pregnant and gave birth to twin baby girl and boy.
Then came the end of British era from India and the subsequent partition of the country due to which both the Dutta and Chowdhary families had to leave their ancestral houses and set out towards an unknown land. Suhasini, her husband and her children-two girls and three boys; all adults at that time tied up their belongings in bundles and in trunks set off in their journey for India, leaving behind the irreplaceable and unforgotten memories of their childhood, marriages, deaths and of Suhas' first love.
At present at her death bed, all these memories seemed to haunt and poke out all those buried memories and emotions in Suhasini. During her 79 years of life, one thing she had realized that even after her death, Suhasini loved Kusum, her thoughts weren't illicit at all but they were of romantic interest but at that time such emotions were thought to be so wrong that she tried to comfort herself in her husband's embrace but it was of no use. At this age, she finally admits that she had romantic feelings for her friend Kusum and she is the only one she ever loved, the feelings and emotions that she had towards Avinash were only that of admiration of his kindness, her liking of him only as a suitable partner and respect for him as her husband, nothing more than that. Her time is near, she could understand. Before taking her last breath, a drop of tear rolled down her eyes as she sank in to an impenetrable darkness.
"I wish we'd meet again someday, Kusum, in a world where we'll be accepted the way we are."
Author's note:
Didi— referring someone older338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqM1aUUF04r
zamindar— landlord338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8mw7uPeJv
Ganges ghat— a cemented arena at the bank of a river consisting of stairs that leads to the river338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicMrDa5drx
bouma - a term used by mother-in-laws to address her daughter-in-law338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZ32CAhjxo
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTEM8TIz1j
338Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMEfEBH8Gn
