‘You're immortal until proven otherwise’ I always joked about that with my friends. My heartbeat always felt sure, I could reach up to my neck and feel the unnoticed beat that assured me that I am. I feel the urge to do that now, it wouldn’t do me much good, I know that I’m dying. Anyways my arms are trapped by the metal atrocity that the rest of my body is stuck under. I briefly wonder if I might get help but I know it’s not going to happen, I’m too far gone even if they did get to me all they could do is pump me with painkillers. Even if it hurts like hell I’d like my last minutes to be lived with a clear head.
I try to think back to the accident, All I can remember was the noise the scraping and grinding of a car crash, and the screeching of all too fast tires. And the panic. We all like to imagine that we would take it cool in such a situation but when you’re hanging upside down trapped by your car ‘taking it cool’ isn’t easy. I guess I’m taking it cool now, but what else can I do, the panic has ran out, now all I can do is wait for my blood to do the same.
I thought of death sometimes, after nightmares, during funerals, sometimes during those rambling conversations you'd have with a friend when drunk but I never thought of a car crash, I doubt many do, It's not an expected death or a pretty one. Most people wish they die in their sleep or surrounded by family. Maybe some think they'd die in a plane crash if they're a nervous flier. I think people don't like thinking about dying in a car crash cause it means you'll die alone or your family dying with them. I'm dying alone, It's not as lonely as I thought, I guess because I'm only physically alone, I'm surrounded by those I love on a daily basis so what does it matter if I'm alone now?239Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqnJsM6LCq
How will my mom react to my death? My girlfriend? My dog? I never got to say goodbye, not properly, how can you? How do you express all the love and admiration? The reliance on the fact that I know that I can see them? The simple knowledge of their existence? The ‘bye’ I yelled out as I left definitely didn’t do. There’s not much I can do about it now, not unless I live through the growing loss of blood pooling at what was the ceiling. Tears began the form around my eyes, It seems I can’t accept my death but I can accept the fact that I won’t see those who I love again. Ever. Or maybe it is me accepting my death, isn’t that what death is? A departure of all you know.
You never realised how unfulfilled your life is until you’re dying, I thought I was living well but looking back I can’t say I have, I guess I was happy when with friends, but was that really happiness, or was it enjoyment that I settled for? In the empty gaps between life was I content, or was I just trying to distract myself? It was too late for me to fix it so what did it matter? Maybe I wasn’t truly happy but I had happy moments. My life was full of love. It wasn’t supposed to be perfect yet. Gone were my carefree days of childhood, but my cosy older years were far off. Now was supposed to be imperfect and troubled and I could hardly work towards fulfilment when I was a child.
The corners of my vision grew darker, the night was already black, devoid of the comfort of the sun and moon, but this darkness was different, it was the void of what comes after. I felt as if I should be afraid, trying to hold on to the last drops of blood spilling out of my torso but I was too tired. I know something is wrong. The dripping slowed too much, my head has grown too empty. The darkness grew, spreading from the corners of my eyes until there was nothing but what was directly in front of me. A fake calmness settled over me. Panic bubbled under the surface but it couldn’t break through the calm that lulled me to sleep. I knew that if I were to try to find the beat that drove me through life I’d have to look hard. I vaguely remember something about staying awake or something, I’ll remember it properly in the morning. In the morning.
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