"10 more minutes to go...", I think to myself.
10 more minutes until I turn 18.
10 more minutes until I die.
Ladies and Gentleman, I have decided to be my own grim reaper! Why, one might ask?
"Not even 18, what could possibly be bothering her so much?!"
Here's the thing.....this universe has (and I would bet on it) conspired to not let me relish even so much as a single moment of happiness in my life.
First, I had to be born as the fourth daughter in a family that was desperately hoping for a son, a family that had little to no wealth to speak of, at that....
Second, Papa had to be an alcoholic(Of course...I am almost convinced that behind every tragic heroine there's an alcoholic, abusive father! But then again, I am no heroine...)
Third, Mama had to run off with her lover. Lover....I turn over the word in my mouth, relishing the feeling of it's syllables on my tongue...Pity that I never had one. Pity that I'll never have one. And of my mother....all I can say is I don't remember much.
But are those really the reasons why I have come here, at the seashore? Why is it that I have come here tonight, minutes before my 18th birthday, ready to give up on life? I mull it over and over in my head...
No...frankly, it had all begun with that red dress...That blood red dress, studded with diamonds, weaved perhaps by the Gods themselves. Regal and elegant. A dress meant for the royal and rich.
From my little Hut in the slums, the city lights had always beckoned to me. And one night, I had let my fantasies guide my feet....from my dimly-lit hut to the blinding glamour of the city. And it had smelled different. Not the usual fish-stained salty stench of the sea. But of money and power and abundance....
I had seen it then. The red dress. On display in one of those huge showrooms. And since then, it has haunted me, mocked me in my dreams. Reminding me of my own battered clothes.
Reminding me that I will never be a part of that world. Reminding me that my papa is an alcoholic, my mama is a run-away. Reminding me of words uttered, what now feels like aeons ago, "You bitch! I wanted a son!! A son!"
Just 2 more minutes to go...I rise. A strange calmness has descended upon my mind...even the red dress with its diamonds, even the blinding lights of the city...they seem so far away, so distant. Like they are things I have only ever heard of. No longer do they remain as memories.
The sea laps me up in it's cold embrace. Soon, very soon....The waves are sympathetic. They hesitate and draw away, then come back with renewed vigour and pull me into a comforting darkness. I don't feel regret. And for that I am thankful. I feel the water penetrate into my skin, cold and hard against my eyes. It is then that I think to myself,
"Happy birthday me!"
ns 15.158.61.20da2
