Isis, not knowing what to do or say, just looked at the paper in awe and confusion. Julius’ hand shook as he stared at the parchment wide eyed. How on earth would she be able to tell her family about this? A baby without yet being wed was quite the sin in her home. Even if she were going to marry Julius anyway. The silence was deafening. Isis could hear her heart beating in her own chest as her breath got caught in her lungs. Her mind went blank and a buzzing sound replaced all other noises. She could barely even register Gladis’ voice. It was muffled and distant in her ears as she continued to stare at the paper. She didn’t even register the excitement that followed; Julius hugging her, his eyes lined with tears of joy, Gladis rejoicing and telling all the other maids in the palace about the news. She just stood there, like a deer staring down the barrel of a gun. She just couldn’t comprehend anything that was going on around her. Julius eventually had to send Gladis out and help Isis sit down as she struggled to process the information. Her blank stare was worrisome to Julius, holding her hand affectionately, kissing her knuckles and pulling her hand up to his forehead. Though he didn’t know how to comfort her, or tell her that everything was going to be alright.
She just kept staring at the tablecloth, nothing behind her eyes that could signify any hint of emotion. Her mind was going a million miles a second, barely even letting her body think about needing to breathe or blink. Her body stiffened like a board and her eyes remained unblinking, staring at something in the distance that did not exist. Golden pools that held nothing but uncertainty. Julius brushed a hair out of her face and kissed her cheek, moving his face next to hers to try and comfort her. Rubbing her arm and rocking her slowly, he stared off into the distance with her, consumed by his thoughts.
Isis being so unemotional and disconnected from the news made Julius’ heart squeeze tightly with worry. He hugged her tightly, trying to squeeze out any sort of fear that she harbord. Her eyes remained wide for an hour, her lungs barely drawing in enough breath for her to survive. But as her brain finally grasped the idea of life growing inside her, she was initially disgusted. Horrified that there was another living thing being developed inside of her. She placed her hand on the underside of her stomach, feeling the small and barely noticeable bulging underneath her clothes. Small droplets of sweat beaded on her forehead before dripping down to her chin. Her eyes remained fixed open like a soldier being shot by a sharpshooter. Her mind was filled with want to be rid of the thing that was growing inside her without her consent, but another part of her was fascinated by the fact that she could even create life. She was conflicted and nervous, her throat burned as her stomach threatened to push out bile. She was terrified. The war with Srima was impending, and now her stress was amplified ten fold because of the pregnancy. Her face was blank, her limbs were locked in place by stiff joints that groaned and threatened to snap at any sign of movement. Julius, growing more and more concerned by the second, sat by her, trying to snap her out of her daze. But to no avail. She just wouldn’t budge, her eyes glued to the table.
She put her face into her hands, cradling her cheeks as she breathed between her legs. Her heart pounding like hooves on a cobblestone road. She massaged her temples but it did little to numb the splitting headache she was getting. Her eyes were shut tight, forcing out every ounce of light there was; from the sun that peeked from behind the curtains of the tea room, to the flickering candles that showed dimly on the table. It’s yellow light dancing on the white lace cloth. Julius was rubbing the small of her back, delicate and repetitive circles that would hopefully comfort her. Her heart rate began to slow as the repetition gave her something else to think of besides the contents of the letter. Julius rested his cheek on her shoulder, whispering sweet and encouraging words into her ear, his free hand held hers and traced the ridges of her knuckles, something that Isis typically did when feeling overwhelmed at an event. He stared down at her hands, trying to wrap his mind around the information as well, just in a slightly different way. He brushed his lips against her cheek and gave her a chaste kiss on her cheekbone. Though she looked distressed, Julius hoped that she was only in shock, and not disgusted by the thought of having kids with him. Julius would be heartbroken if she never even wanted one with him. It had been his dream since he was young to have children with her. Though he would never disclose this information to her, he thought she would find it unnerving. Which was understandable, your best friend since birth wanting to be the father to your children was concerning in the least.
As the time passed slowly, creeping by like a slug going uphill during a rainstorm, the two remained locked in each other’s arms. Julius, still trying to comfort his fiance’s daunting reaction to the news. He knew that this was a difficult situation for the both of them, considering the impending war with Srima, and their upcoming wedding in the Sun temple. He was worried about the war, yes. But now with Isis being pregnant, it complicated things even more. He wondered how they would tell her mother about this. He knew that Duchess Alice Boyavarde would be livid, considering they weren’t yet married. He shivered thinking about what could happen to him and Isis if she found out about the baby before the wedding. Worrying about if they could hide the fact she was pregnant, even after the bump became even more noticeable in the coming months. Their wedding was still a good eight weeks away, and Isis had been counting down the days till their union.
The two just sat in silence, not knowing how to confront the situation without causing anymore issues, not only with their relationship, but also with the country's affairs. Isis looked defeated, a look that Julius had never seen before. He desperately tried to comfort her, to make sure she knew that everything was going to be alright. He knew everything would turn out fine, because he wanted it to, and if it didn’t then he would force it. He would do anything to give Isis the perfect life she had always wanted. He just didn’t know how yet. And the fact that he didn’t know how to help her scared him. What would he do if she needed his help in the future, how would he deal with it? What if there were complications with the pregnancy, or he was called to oversee a troupe during the war and something happened to her while he was away? If that happend, Julius would never be able to forgive himself, even if Isis assured him everything was fine. He knew Isis, he knew that she liked suffering alone, that she didn’t want help from anybody with anything. But it worried him. Her desire to be independent and the need for him to take care of her clashed like steel sword against steel sword. It worried him how independent she was. Well, practically everything was worrying him now. If she was eating well or if she was tired or if she was overworking herself. He worried so much that Gladis feared he may implode.
But finally, as Isis regained her composure, Julius insisted on accompanying her everywhere. Even going so far as to request they move their offices together so he could see her even more. She knew that Julius was concerned for her health, especially because his mother died from complications during the birth of his youngest brother; Arthur, who was only three. Isis, still trying to process the information, couldn’t even reject his request, and she was moved into his office later that day. Julius made the excuse that there was enough space for the both of them, and this office was much closer to their quarters. Not that Isis cared very much about the sudden change. She enjoyed being near Julius, but she felt as if she were being smothered. Her independence was important to her, knowing that she would rather die than rely on someone for very long. She wanted to be her own woman, living for her own reasons and not bowing to any man who disrespected her. But working in Julius’ office with him, made her feel claustrophobic. She didn’t hate working with Julius, but she wanted to do things on her own. And she knew that the reason he wanted her close was because he knew she was pregnant now. It’s not like she was entirely against having his baby, the problem was that she didn’t want to lose all her freedoms and independence because of a simple accident.
She worked diligently at a table near Julius’ desk, as the servants had not been able to get another desk inside the study yet. Isis really didn’t mind, the chair she was sitting in now made her back feel a little bit better. As she sifted through some of the financial documents, she caught Julius staring at her. She looked back at him.
“We need to get back to work, Julius. Just because of what happened, doesn’t mean the whole country will stop for us to figure it out.” She told him, straightening out the document. Julius whined, not wanting to look away from her from fear she might be hurt.
“Isis…” He whined, his eyes wide, trying to make her less upset with him. Isis, undeterred, went back to reading the document.
“A country doesn’t stop, Julius.” She stated, not looking up from the paper. Julius groaned, knowing that she was right but he didn’t want to acknowledge it.
“But Isis…” He whined again. Isis rolled her eyes and decided to ignore him, picking up her quill to correct a few statements.
Julius kept whining like a poor little dog throughout the day. Isis’ stomach rumbled, and she remembered that she hadn’t eaten all day. She put her hand to her belly, trying to massage the discomfort away. Julius, who was still staring at her, lept up and rushed over to her side. Worry painted on his face.
“Are you hungry? Sick? Tired?” He asked, his eyes looking deeply into her’s. His light blue eyes that many said looked like cold ice, melted and looked like loving crystal blue pools. She took her hands and cradled his cheeks in her palms.
“I’m okay, just a little hungry is-” A sudden shouting cut her off. Julius had scrambled to the door of the study and clumsily opened the large wooden door. He rushed around to find a servant.
“You there!” He yelled, the servant squeaked, not knowing why Julius had yelled at her. She shook while curtsying.
“Y-Your Majesty.” She stuttered, practically tripping over her own words. Julius looked quite intimidating, determined to help Isis in any way he could.
“Bring me an available chef, and a dietician.” Julius ordered. The servant shivered and rushed away to fetch what he had requested. Isis sighed.
“There’s no need to fetch the chef, nor a dietician.” She said, putting the document back down on the table. She started to get up from her chair but Julius ran over to her and helped her stand. Isis glared at him.
“I’m pregnant, not crippled.” She barked at him. She knew he was just trying to help, but if he continued trying to take care of her to this extent, she knew she would hate it. She had always prided her independence. Always wanting things done her way.
“But don’t you get lonely doing everything by yourself?” Julius inquired, his eyes soft, staring into her golden ones. Isis was taken aback, she had never thought of it like that.
“W-Well no?” She replied, uncertain. Furrowing her eyebrows, she started to think about it. Was she really being isolated just because she was independent?
“Isis, there is a difference between being independent and not needing anyone, and being alone.” He told her, his eyes shining with worry and hope that she would understand. Isis shook her head, trying to understand such a revelation.
“I, uhm, I…” She mumbled, unable to tell him that she didn’t feel alone. But her mother didn’t really care about her all that much, and her father never once paid her any mind because he had a son to think about. Her brother and her sister were both busy with etiquette lessons and school to care about what their sister was doing, and the servants always assumed that the young woman they had seen grow up, was always fine and perfect. Never needing, nor wanting anyone or anything, besides the basic necessities to survive. Was Isis truly lonely? She looked at him with a bewildered look.
“Lonely? Why on earth would I be…” She muttered. “I’m not… Lonely.” She whispered again. Julius’ eyes softened, embracing Isis.
“It’s okay to need people, Isis. You won’t be ignored anymore.” he assured her, brushing a lock of her curly black hair from her forehead.
“I don’t… I’m not lonely?” She said, realizing that she had only one friend throughout her entire life. Her mother barely paid attention to her either, more concerned about raising her brother than to comfort her daughter. Isis looked at the floor, feeling cheated by life. She shook her head, refusing to cry. Julius looked at her with such love in his eyes that it was difficult to remain upset.
“I’m not lonely.” She repeated, trying to convince herself more than Julius. Julius took his hand and began stroking Isis’ hair slowly. He knew that Isis kept everything inside, and kept almost everyone at a distance; even her own father. Julius embraced her, trying to console her after her untimely realization.She hugged him back, her heart feeling deflated, and every move she made dragged her flattened heart on the floor.
Was she even allowed to be lonely?
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