Dear Younger Me,
I love how innocent you are. How can one be as innocent as you? Only a fool would not see how bad they are. How stupid you are. How can one be as stupid as you? Can't you open your eyes and see how horrible they are? How laughable you are. Your blindness when it comes to them is really quite concerning. I sort of understand why people laughed at you.
Sort of.
I know you think that it's only a couple of months. That you can handle it. The looks, the laughs, the exclusion. That you have to do it for the girl who was once your best friend. Who is now your tormentor.
You have to.
Except you don't. Except you don't need her. All she wants is to hurt you to make herself feel better because it's not your parents who divorced, it's not your sister who died from cancer.
Jealousy.
Sure, it might be because of him that everything went downhill. The other girl was tolerable, and you're still friends with her (albeit, a bit of a toxic relationship). All he did was make everything worse; from encouraging rumours about everyone to preferring other people when not with her or the other girl.
You are nothing to him.
No matter how many times you will tell yourself that he likes you, that he's your friend, you aren't. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. All he likes is to put other people down and gossip about them. He's no better than a popular girl, really. You should see why so many people hate him.
They still hate him, even after he left.
But if he might've poisoned your best friend against you, she's the one who chose to go along with it. She chose to hurt you, chose to prefer others to you. From the beginning of that toxic friendship three years ago, don't pretend that she didn't always make you second-best. Whether it was to another girl or to a boy.
You have indulged her far too long into thinking she's pretty when she's not. You have made her think she's kind when she is a two-faced, bipolar bitch. You stood by her when she was self-harming, but when she was harming you, you never stood up for yourself.
She always liked boys too much to be a girl's girl. Always trying to flirt with one of her crushes. And when she thought we were dating one of her crushes... well, no wonder our friendship broke up.
But back to you. Why do you stay with her? She's horrid towards you. All she does is make you feel like shit, make you feel like you're less than.
I'm here to tell you that you aren't. You're not the one who's stupid and ugly. You're not the one who uses your dad to buy expensive things, and then talks shit about him to all of your friends. You're not the horrible person.
She is.
You've spent too long in that toxic group. You should have left that friend group the day your real best friend left for Dubai. You should have gone to your remaining best friend and her group.
The group we're in now.
Perhaps you might've risked more. Perhaps they would have sent glares your way for a couple of weeks. Perhaps the whole year would have talked about it.
So?
It's your life. Your choices. And those people do not deserve even a second more of your company. I know that you struggle with exclusion. Don't worry, I still do. We still do. But they will break you.
I'm broken because of them.
If this opportunity had come a year ago, I would have talked about reminiscing about the old days, back when you were eight years old and ignorant of the word 'penis'. But when the troubles all started, that is when you truly started to grow up.
In one way, I thank those assholes. They made me grow up. See that the world isn't all black and white.
It's grey.
Be strong. Fight back. And don't let them win.
Don't let them win.
I know you think you can stand it a little longer, but enough is enough. You can do this. I believe in you, and that's enough, isn't it? If you believe in yourself, you don't need anyone else to believe in you. Not your parents, not your toxic friends, no one.
Go ditch them before it's too late. Before you do something you'll regret.
Stay strong. Don't cut.
Stay strong. Don't cut.
ns 15.158.61.6da2
