I will never forget the day I met Katherine. Because after that day there was a long string of memories I remember but wish to forget. I can't say the darkness overshadowed the light but sometimes…
Katherine Greenwood was, what it seemed like to me, a very lucky girl. She had a nice name, she was smart, talented and beautiful. I knew a lot of boys liked her, I think it was because of that smile of hers. It puts them under some sort of spell. It could be a curse or blessing…it depends how much you know.
Then, Katherine was relevant to me. I still noticed her because the few friends I had would try and talk to her. She had everyone swarming over her. The only person who swarmed me was a clingy girl named Caroline Hilton. I never told her that we were dating…I never agreed to it. But at the time, that's what she settled with and I kept it at that. Because I thought she was the only girl ever to fall in love with me. I thought it was good to have someone love you, but then I realized it only felt good when you loved them back. I still stuck with Caroline, because at that time, it didn't click.
I wasn't sure if I liked my friends. I felt fake everytime I did anything with them. When I laughed, when I spoke, even any slight movement I made. Even my name was fake. At that time, even since middle school, I went by the name Jude. I was tired of teachers constantly mispronouncing my name. I didn't think it was that hard but apparently it was, since it was so different from everyone else's. I felt very different from everyone in my school. It seemed like I couldn't fit in even with friends.
I hardly remember the group I hung out with. But I will always remember Logan. He was older than me, only by a year and was a junior in high school while I was a sophomore. Logan was the leader, the unspoken one. Because everyone waited for him to finish speaking, anyone could care less about squeezing in a story right when I was going to say something. Logan was also pretty carefree and a bit lazy sometimes. He's hard to explain, especially now, but I think without him, I wouldn't have spoken to Katherine at all.
One day during the beginning of tenth grade, Logan told Katherine to sit with us. He didn't ask, he just told her.
"Hey, sit with us,"
So Katherine was the only girl at our table. Other than Caroline, we tried hard to ignore her. Eventually she just gave up and invited a friend to sit with her at our table. But then she'd complain that I was ignoring her. Which was true but I never fully admitted that.
Katherine was friendly, she smiled and laughed a lot, I think she was nervous. The boys at our table were staring and smiling at her. Except for me, I didn't want to be weird. Logan was the only one who actually spoke to her. He was smiling at her too, it was obvious he liked her. I couldn't tell if Katherine liked Logan, she could be smiling because she was uncomfortable. Or maybe flustered and nervous. I wish I was able to read expressions without doubting myself. I wish there was only one emotion given to a person. Things would be less confusing.
When the bell rang, everyone started to get up from their seats. Some slower than others. Katherine waved to Logan, just Logan. She smiles at him and only him. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said
"Or maybe after school," he said, "If you don't have anything planned,"
On the outside, he didn't look that nervous but I could tell he was. Katherine frowned slightly but then her smile quickly returned. "I have soccer practice," she said, "But we get out at four-fifteen so maybe you could wait for me?"
Logan almost looked relieved. "Oh, yeah, that's fine. Thanks,"
Katherine gave him a thumbs up and left the cafeteria, Logan smiled as she walked away. I was sure he would have stared at her longer but his friends were congratulating him. They said he got Katherine to like him. I began to feel sorry for myself at that moment. When Caroline quickly closed the conversation with her friend just to talk to me. "Katherine's a little strange," Caroline told me, "She's always leading boys on only for her to reject them,"
"Hm," I said
"That's a little…bratty if you ask me,"
But I didn't ask her, I never asked her anything, she just talked and talked. It was never good things either, nothing worth my time. And while Logan was getting pats on the back, I had Caroline clinging to my arm. While people told Logan they were lucky, I remember the first thing someone told me when they saw Caroline and I together was "Are you for real with her?"
I could say I was feeling jealous but that was outweighed by the immense self pity I felt at that moment.
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