When the principal announced that Tim had not broken the window and wanted witnesses to come forward, my knees felt weak. I could feel a rush of panic as I could nearly feel my heart beat like a locomotive. I was afraid I was going to faint. I could see that the principal was looking at me, which gave me the impression that he knew that it was me who broke the window. I just stood there and remained silent. There was no way that I was going to admit in front of the whole school that it was me who broke the window. There was no way I was going to admit it in any circumstance. Too much time has gone by, and as each day went by, it was getting harder and harder to admit it.
On my way to class, I saw Tom cornered by the bullies in the hallway. They were poking at him and even hitting him. Tim was crying and pleading with the bullies to leave him alone as he told them that he did not break the window and he never did anything bad to the bullies. The bullies told him that this had nothing to do with breaking a window. They were bullying Tim because Tim was Tim. When I heard this, I knew exactly why they wanted to bully Tim. Tim was different from them as he was a quiet boy who did not like the same things as they did. The most important reason was that Tim did not fight back, which made him an easy target.
I already decided that I would start taking action. I wrote that letter and did not send it, so I have not kept this promise. Now I would take action. I picked up a broom that the cleaner left against the wall and held it up like a sword. This stopped the bullies as they were shocked that I was threatening them with the broom. Tim seemed just as surprised as no one had ever stood up for him before. It was like time stood still. I will admit that I was so afraid of standing up to so many bullies as they could tear me into pieces. I told them to back off and leave Tim alone. They looked at me with disbelief and then backed off. It was a small victory.
This victory lasted a short time as the bullies cornered me later on during the day. They taunted me and asked why I would protect such a wimp as Tim. Then they got mean and told me that Tim must be my boyfriend, as that is the only reason that anyone would want to help Tim. The leader of the bullies told me that if I did help Tim again, they would tell the whole world that Tim and I were gay boyfriends. Deep down I knew that this would not happen, as I still had status at the school, and I could defend myself. It did mean that I lost the respect of the bullies at school, and they would think of a way to get revenge on me.
Tim thanked me for standing up for him the next day. He told me that no one ever helped him before and he knew that he was an easy target. Then Tim said something that surprised me as he told me that he understood why he was bullied. Tim did not think he was normal, and he was very weird. I did not know what to say except wonder if Tim also had low self-esteem or if it was because the bullying made it worse. It is hard to see someone who does not respect themselves and in some ways hate themselves. Tim did thank me for helping him, but he also said he did not know why I would help him. In other words, Tim was wary of me as he thought I was helping him for my own sake. Tim thought maybe it was to improve my status in the school and use Tim as a pawn.
Tim was right in one thing, and that was that I just did not do it for his sake. I helped Tim mostly for my sake, as in the last few weeks, I have been isolating myself at school and home. I was consumed with guilt and shame. The worst thing was that everyone around me was worried about me, and in some sort of defence, I just shoved them away and isolated myself.
Church was not that easy; I figured that God must have been mad at me. While the music usually calmed me down, the mass today was very scary. It was as if the priest was speaking directly to me when he said in his sermon, “None of us is perfect, and we all make mistakes. The test is not the mistake that we make but what we do after we make the mistake. Do we learn from them? Do we take responsibility for our mistakes? It is so easy not to take responsibility for our mistakes. Sometimes we try to forget the mistake and move on conveniently. Sometimes it can be easy to blame everyone else but ourselves. This is the last thing that we should do, as it brings no healing and becomes a stone in our heart and soul. The best thing we can do is to take responsibility for our actions, seek forgiveness, and learn from our mistakes."
After mass, I hid in my bedroom once again. The words of the sermon were flowing around in my head. The priest is God's right-hand man here on earth, so, understandably, he knew the turmoil that I was going through. As a priest, God could have told him the black stains in my soul. He could see my sins, and that is why he talked directly to me. The priest knew that blaming Tim was the worst thing I could do. The priest was saying during his sermon that I made my sins worse and my soul darker.
I knew that I could not continue like this. Sarah already knew that it was me who framed Tim. I told her this whole thing has gotten out of hand and has gone too far. It has destroyed Tim's life, and my life was no bed of roses. Then I gave her a summary of what the priest's sermon was about and that I was at a stage now where I could not cope with any of this anymore. The whole thing was driving me crazy, and somehow I needed to confess.
Sarah gave me one of her serious looks and told me that she had been telling me for ages and then went on a rant on how slow and stupid boys can be. She told me that the answer had been in front of my eyes since I broke the window. The only answer was to go to the principal and confess. In doing this, I would redeem Tim and bring justice to the world, as well as it would help get rid of any guilt and shame that I had. I could see that Sarah was insisting that I should go to the principal. She even told me that she would accompany me for moral support.
This all made me shake to my bones. I knew that what Sarah said was the wise thing to do. I knew I should have gone to the principal a long time ago. Fear of what would happen stopped me, as well as the shame of what I had done. I was on the verge of going to the principal's office many times. I even wrote an admission letter which I ended up tearing into small pieces. I was hesitant to confess, but I also knew that I could not continue the way that things were going now. After thinking for a long time, I found the courage to tell Sarah that I would go to the principal's office after school, and I appreciated that she would come with me. My mind was made up. I would be brave and face the shooting squad. OK, maybe I was being a little overdramatic in thinking this, but it does show how afraid I was.
I wished that time could stop time, as I could not concentrate during classes. I just looked at the clock and counted the time until I would visit the principal. The waiting was pure torture as I was afraid of what would happen. In my head I was thinking of 50 different ways I could confess, each one sounding as bad as the last one. The time came when Sarah and I had to go to the principal's office. Sarah nearly had to drag me there. When we stood in the office, I blurted out, “I did it! It was me that broke the window. It was an accident, and I did not do it on purpose. It was also me who blamed Tim for doing it. He did not do it, and I don’t even know if Tim can kick a ball. The worst thing is that I kept quiet and let Tim be punished and even bullied for something I did."
The principal did not explode, and there was no steam coming out of his ears. I was also so much calmer after the confession. It was like a stone lifted from my shoulder. The principal listened carefully and then told me that it took courage to finally come forward. This being said, he told me that several things had to be addressed, such as the bullying and the fact that I blamed a fellow student and was so slow to come to his office. I hung my head low and just nodded as I knew there would be consequences. The principal told me that he had to think about what would be done, and this was a punishment in itself. It meant I had to wait to see how I would be punished.
After we visited the office, Sarah asked me if I felt better now. I just nodded and told her there was something else I had to do, and I had to do it alone. The next day I found Tim once again in the library hiding from the world and with tears in his eyes. He was surprised when I walked up to him and was afraid that the library was no longer a sanctuary to the bullying. I told him to calm down as I just wanted to apologise. Then I confessed that it was me who broke the window and framed him. The principal now knows it was me who broke the window and lied that it was Tim who did it. I told Tim that I had felt so bad with shame and guilt since it happened and hoped that he would forgive me.
“I do not know if I can accept your apology,” Tim replied. “You blamed me for something that I never did, and my life has become much worse since. It seems as if things will just get worse, and I will be a target for bullies for the rest of my life. I do not understand why you would tell the principal in the first place that it was me. I do not understand why you looked on while I was being punished and then bullied. Your shame and guilt are nothing compared to what I am going through. Why do you even deserve my forgiveness? Why should I forgive you? You are worse than the bullies.”
To be continued.
ns 15.158.61.6da2
