The moon's beams blind my resting eyes through my eyelids. Little slits in the blinds let them seep through, imitating the slits of light on my body. I twist and turn in my bed, facing the window, then the wall, then back again. My body stiffens straight as a board, even when I toss about. A broken record spins in my head, repeating the same world in a melodic way.
Father.
Blocking out the sound is useless. Even after clearing my mind, the record starts again, staying broken. It spins in my head, never stopping, just repeating the same word always. I sit up in my bed, eyes half closed, muttering softly to myself. The sound of chattering wind just adds to my dismay.
Father's off to war. Father's going to war. Prepare for war, it seems to whisper in my ear; in my head.
I shut it out, blanking my mind once more. The feeling of– I can't even describe what I feel. This is something I never felt before in my life. A painful knot sets in my stomach, twisting this way and that, constricting tighter. One that can't be undone. Bile even chokes my throat, clogging it. I try to gulp, to shove it back down, but it doesn't budge. Despite desperate attempts, nothing works. The feeling continues.
My eyes drift shut, only for a moment, before snapping back open. A single image plagues my mind: Father in a uniform, blood dripping down his breast, a bullet through his heart...Death... My mind locks up, locking the plague away, blocking out the horrid truth, the future.
I lay on my side, facing the door. A light slivers under the door from the doorway, followed by footsteps and soft voices. I sink into the bed more, sliding my body under my blankets until my nose and beyond were the only body parts showing. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
Mother's voice rings clear, soft but mixed with another emotion as well. One I cannot tell. "I worry for Akira. She's never been girly in her whole life. How can she find a man if she's not feminine?"
"You worry too much," a familiar male voice states quietly. Father. "She's a perfect image of a wife. She’s pretty and loyal, everything a man can ask for.”
"Shiro, she played in the mud when she was younger; she picked up toads and would run after the other little girls with them; and she pranced around with that katana all day long, pretending to be in battle. Girls don't do that. Neither do wives."
"Lai, please, you are overthinking her. She's just rougher than the others. She has personality."
"She will never find a match with that personality of hers," Mother says.
"Don't say such things. She will bring honor to us with the finest man. She will find the perfect match, Lai. Stop doubting her."
A shadow steps in front of my door, soon followed by a second. She speaks again, "I will need to work hard with her. Make her more of a woman."
"I think she's fine the way she is. She's my daughter. Someone is bound to love her one day."
"I know, Shiro, but Honor comes only one way for a woman. You know that."
Their voices quiet down. Footsteps sound down the hall then disappears with each step taken. When they are fully gone, I breathe again. Mother's voice echoes in my head, filling it with her final words, replacing the father nightmare. A woman's Honor, I know, is only gained once she is married with children.
I clench my fists. I must earn Honor for them. I must earn it for Father. I will gain myself a match, even if it ends me.
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The sun's light through the cracks of my blinds pry open my sleep-crusted eyes. After hours on end of endless thoughts and nightmares, I finally drifted off to sleep. Only now, the sun ruins my needed sleep. I sit up, yawning and grumbling while tossing silk sheets to the side. Dark hair sticks out at all ends, wild and untamed like a lion's mane. Black circles shade my eyes underneath, making my irises a darker shade of brown than normal. Images of the talk overheard last night haunt me with others of Father and war. I furrow my brow.
I stand from my place on the bed, walking over to the window and pulling the blinds up. The sun shines fully in the room, bringing natural bright light to destroy the remaining darkness. Outside, the songs of birds sound out peacefully. From the window, the gentle breeze sways the cherry blossom petals, barely caressing them enough to make them fall. Opening the window, the sweet air quickly penetrates my nose, making me smile.
Nothing beats the smell of cherry blossoms.
I spin on my heel, turning around. A flash in the mirror catches my eye as I stare at the figure on the other side, who is staring back at me.
She holds no evidence of being a woman, but more of a child. A round baby face set with long, straight, dark hair. Her small, slightly full lips curved into a smile. Her body has no curve, except for the bottom half, but only slightly. A blank image fills my head when thinking of her in a white ceremonial kimono. No thought comes to mind. Just blank. Another thought flashes in my head, covering the blankness of the kimono and the girl.
No matter how hard this will be, you will bring Honor to your family, Akira-Lee. You cannot fail them by not acting feminine. Your father may be heading off to war; this is your time to prove yourself to him and your mother. Show them and all those men that you will make a great bride and a wonderful housewife.
I lift my head high, turning away from the girl in the mirror to make my bed. I pull the sheets off, attempting to put them back on neatly again. My head still held high.
You have Honor. You are Honor, Akira-Lee. You must prove your worth, what you were born with. You're Honor itself.
"Akira," a feminine voice calls, "it's time to get cleaned up. Your first meeting with your match is today."
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