"It's all so confusing and I can't handle it anymore. He stole my love and she didn't care. So, I'm writing a note. I guess this is what people do when they are about to leave...I already called her so she should be here soon. But I already took the pills too. She's gonna be too late. So while I wait I'm gonna list my reasons for killing myself and my anger towards God.
The first reason is the biggest one. My best friend, or used to be best friend, (can I even call him that after what he did?) stole my other best friend and the love of my life. I trusted him. When we were young we did everything together, ate, played, even got in trouble together. He and her were the only people I could really trust. I can't even say their names. Oh, God help me... I guess that leads me to the next reason. Nobody really cares. You think you have a hard life? Try again. You have no idea what I have been through. I was the result of a drunken bastard and thirsty whore who only cared about money. I am their love child. (guess they forgot the condoms...) Anyway, after born in prison my mom didn't want me. Although she wasn't really my mom. Just the person who birthed me. I grew up in the system, floating through houses so the family could get their meal ticket. Nobody actually cared..
Until one house. One sad, decrepit, broken house. I admit it was good for about two months. Then my "dad" got drunk. I had to lie to my teachers all the time. I fell off my skateboard, accidentally bumped into a wall, tripped on cement. Anything. And since my teachers weren't the smartest, or they just didn't care, which is more likely, they believed everything I said. Their mistake. Because now, in my bedroom, with my "parents" gone and about a dozen pills in me with my ex driving mad to come and try to save me, I am fixing everything. It's all on me.
Let me tell you this note is getting harder. But also easier. Writing these things are reminding me why I have to go. I guess in the best words I'm doing the world a favor. It doesn't need me. I have done drugs, smoked, even drank, but nothing ever filled the emptiness in my heart. It will never be filled. Hence the whole dying thing. I may sound like cold hearted bitch...and maybe I am. But mostly I'm just hurt. And tired. Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.
I guess I should say I could have a purpose for staying alive. I have always loved traveling and could leave. But, that won't fill the emptiness I'm cursed to bear. I have also heard that I have grandparents, but I doubt they want to see me. Nobody needs me. Nobody could accept who I was. Who I am. They kept trying to shove me into a mold. But now I will be free. I am pretty smart, but what's the point if no one else is..?
They don't understand me... At night I lay awake for hours. Staring at the moon, wishing I could just go and be free, escape my cageless dungeon. People don't understand my need for being alone. Sometimes I think that maybe I need somebody. But now I know that person will not be found in this world. I'm doing the world a favor. It doesn't need my depression. Another drop in the ocean. The moon calls for my soul.
I'm crying now...I can feel the pills slowly taking over. I'm going to leave this world. Who knows? Maybe the next one will be better. My body is shutting down. The cold jerk of my tears falling on my bare chest snaps me back to reality just long enough for me to hear a car pulling up the drive way and to finish writing. For whoever finds this I need................"
P.s. Sorry for the language and the dirty side of things. This is not a true story. Just remember if you're going through a hard time, the world does need you. You have no idea what you're capable of. :)
~bestnightmare~
ns 15.158.61.8da2
