Sometimes I have to force memories into my head to get my brain on track.
Hey, remember that manga you've been waiting on for a month? It's gonna update soon you know!
Hey, remember your ocs? Who's going to tend to them and grow their story if you won't?
Hey, remember that song you love that keeps getting stuck in your head? You can't listen to it if you're dead.
Hey, now I don't really wanna die that much. I guess I'll go to school until all those things die out so I can join them.
A regular thought pattern would be my first thought when reading something similar. I wake up with bags under my eyes for no apparent reason because I got enough sleep that night, thinking, “hey, is it worth it?” and I have to tell myself about all the work in class I was looking forward to, the job I want in the future, that one day of school where all my friends are in the same lesson and sometimes I laugh so hard I can't breathe.
I guess it's selfish, But I can never tell between normal everyday thoughts and those whispered by the darkness that sits like a pool at the bottom of my brain, resting in waiting for its chance to fuel a wave.
Sometimes I'm thrown in by my feet and I can only scramble and struggle in the tar-like waters until I'm thrust out of its grasp.
Sometimes I walk in, tired and uncaring. I lie there, on my back and stare into nothing. The water is calm. It wraps around my legs like a squid, however I do not care. The thoughts engulf me and before I know it the water is unstable, tossing me to and fro on my back. I do not notice, and I stare into nothing. The water is calm.
I suppose at times I wake up and it is sitting at my feet, shallow and only slightly unsettling. Then I think about how worthless life seems on the surface, how I'm going to die eventually so why not do it while I won't have any regrets. I take a breath. I breathe in tar. I convince myself like always.
Hey, what would all your bird toys do without you?
Hey, what about getting better from this sickness?
Hey, what about all the things you love?
How would your parents feel?
Then I breathe. It is at my feet. I close my eyes and lie back in the water.
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