100 Eyes

Memoir about psychological and sexual health journey written in a girly love story manner with spicy and honest-to-a-tee details.

Every single fact (except The Ending) is real.

Table of Content

Introduction 3

Prologue (Spoilers Alert!) 5

Chapter 7 113

The Ending 160

The End 171

Introduction

2016-02-04

100 eyes - they are looking into me and they are giving me something on that particular moment. All encounters gave me something good, something to be afraid of and some freedom, until the moment came to immortalize them. It might be that I am never going to see some people again, some are already gone, and some I am going to meet all over again and call them during the night whenever I have tough moments and feel that they are the only people that can understand me completely. However, there is nothing harder than to let go. If it’s a memory or a dream, if I knew the person for a night or for few years, it’s still hard to let go. Every time I let go those eyes, there is a new hole in my heart and it takes time until it heals.

The relationship that I had at the end of 2015 made me reconsider myself, my behaviour and goals that I had at that moment. And let’s be sincere, it does not heal as fast as I would expect to - I have recurring dreams about him and that we are back together. Therefore, writing is like a psychotherapy to me and a way to forget those eyes. However, “100 eyes” are not only about him. It is also about the past love and sexual relationships that I had. Moreover, it’s about all individuals that made an impact on me and lead me to where I am now. As freakishly it might sound, I keep a list of: a) guys I have kissed, b) guys I had sex with, c) guys I went on dates with. But some of them are more special than the other ones. They are special enough to be memorized and live as fictional characters in this book.

What I have learned during these years: you don’t meet a person for no reason, the reason is the person itself as it becomes a part of your identity. So “100 eyes” is also about myself, my struggles, my success, my failures and all the lessons on the way. It is a way to understand what kind of person I’ve become and what person I am willing to be in the future. At the moment, I am struggling with my own personality as it is changing constantly and sometimes I feel that those 100 eyes are of my own. It is hard to find a distinction between reality and my mind. What if all that I see, feel and hear is only creation of my consciousness and all those people that I am going to talk about are just different angles of my own personality. If you believe that the person has some particular traits couldn’t it be that those traits are yours during that time? How can you completely know the person when you have all those prejudices around? Would that break-up happen if you seen the situation from absolutely different angle, during other moment and your level of maturity?

Prologue (Spoilers Alert!)

2017-04-23

Once I started to write this book in February 2016 I was heartbroken (again!) and I thought that it will be a love story about the guys that meant a lot to me and it will be a way to remember them and heal my heart. Some parts from 2016 to 2017 were written sporadically as a diary and self-help due to mentally unstable moments, chapters from 2012 to 2016 were rewritten and shortened from diary entries in my native language, but the emotions remain authentical. Some parts were so hard to write that I could barely see the keyboard from my tears. Some brought the great memories back and made me laugh out loud. However, I never had an exact thought how this book will end and what it’s purpose despite talking about my love life. Sometimes I was thinking maybe it will be next “Sex and a City”, but during the process I found the exact meaning and reason which different than just telling a love story. The main purpose is to help other girls to learn from my mistakes that caused serious danger to my life. They say that love kills, but it almost killed me literally. I was diagnosed having stage 0 cervical cancer (also known as carciroma in situ) and two most dangerous human papillomavirus (HPV) types: 16 and 18. It is clinically proven that these two types are responsible for cervical cancer. Fortunately, I went to the gynecologist in May, 2016 and it wasn’t too late, I was suspicious after the first test and asked to have me deeply tested, this resulted in removal a part of my cervix during conization procedure. I still can have children, but I am on the risk list and I have to visit doctors every 4-6 months for the next two years at least.

Despite successful results after the procedure, you cannot imagine how much strength it took me, my family and friends to overcome mentally a year of visits to the doctors and getting worse results each time until I got where I am now. I do not wish that to nobody. You start living your life as regular and then get worse news. It seems that everything falls down, then you find inner strength to get up and then receive bad news again, it seems that this cycle never ends. Somebody could say that it is not the worst that could happen, of course it’s not, and I am the happiest person for that, but each health issue is a personal disaster. I was guessing maybe I was infected since birth, maybe later on or just recently, and I was blaming others. I did not have the answer, but not the answer “when” and “by whom”, but “why” was important. Finally, I understood that it is my personal fault, it is not a destiny, it is not a guy that wanted to have sex with me, it wasn’t my family that didn’t tell me to save myself before marriage (what is obviously stupid), but it is me that caused myself this diagnosis and the end results. Despite that I am not saying that everyone should become saints and should keep their virginity until their forties. I just hope that this story at least gives some thoughts that promiscuous behaviour is not the thing that empowers women and helps rising low self esteem - I believed that nonsense since 19 when I lost my virginity. And it is not the way that we should demonstrate our rights as we are told by mass media. Contrary, the responsibility for your actions is the right way. Put a condom for God’s sake! Or just tell the guy to fuck himself if he refuses. And think before having one night stand - is it really worthy? Get yourself vaccinated from HPV and get tested at least once a year! It’s not an ad for pharmacy companies or gynecological services, I just hope that some girls will be saved from having one more headache in this already complicated world.

However, it wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t find a bright side even in this situation. Since I received first bad result from the cervical test (PAP) almost a year ago, I have learned that I have to do all my best to become the healthiest possible version of myself. I am not competing with others, I won’t get that a part of my cervix back, I won’t become a monk and live in a cave. But I started to make some small steps to make myself healthier every single day: I quit smoking regularly and now I am smoking only on special occasions (I smoked since 13 occasionally and since 19 years old almost every day) and smoking is one of the main causes of cervix cancer. I started to eat healthier, quit junk food, lactose and sugar. I drink less alcohol, sometimes I go month or two without drinking. I often choose to stay at home instead of going out - and it is a huge difference due to the fact that I was a party girl a year ago. I am going to the gym regularly (apart from 4 weeks that I had to stay physically inactive after the conization operation), reading and watching videos about fitness and healthy lifestyle is my new passion. I started to learn more about myself and can stay without dating a guy for several months. I am still in the process and hopefully I will have lots of time for my transition to more healthy version of me.

Please note that I am not advertising healthy lifestyle and I am not saying that a candy or sitting on sofa and watching TV is bad for you - it’s your personal decision how to live the rest of your life and I just described my own path that is suitable for me. Quite recently I finally learned for once and all that the person cannot be changed by the others despite how hard they want it. It is a personal decision what kind of lifestyle to choose and I am not the one that shows the one and only path. You can do your own mistakes, go ahead! I just deeply hope that my example and my real life stories (except the last chapter The Ending that was my imagination after listening Frank Sinatra’s song on repeat for several hours and was the first thing I ever wrote) will give a thought and maybe a small step for loving and appreciating yourself more. Maybe you will be at least a little bit more cautious after listening what I have to tell you.

Also what I have noticed, this book can be read both ways from the Chapter 1 to The Ending or from The Ending to the Chapter 1. Please choose the way is more suitable for you, I chose to go all the way from today to the 2008. Above you can find the Introduction that I wrote once I started to write this book in February 2016. At that time I wasn’t sure why and to whom I am writing this book, but eventually I got the answer and wrote Prologue today. If even one girl will stop and think before engaging into meaningless sex, will not measure her self esteem by seeking guy’s love and understand that intercourse (despite how good or often it is performed) does not necessary lead to long lasting love and will keep her physical and mental health a priority - I will be the happiest person alive. And I wish the same for the new and healthy me.

And if you are asking what about my love life now? I am single since February, didn’t go on any dates, never installed Tinder or another dating app, did not met any guys in bars as I have been there only twice during this period and was very passive in my love life in overall. Also in the 3rd chapter I mentioned another American guy - he helped me out when I was in L.A.: he listened to my desperate heartbreaking stories and tried to cheer me up, took me to the best date in Malibu and brought me to the airport. It was one year since we spoke last time and he wrote me asking how things are going now. He remembered every single detail despite the fact that it was one and a half year ago: our conversations, my accent, my height, our date in Malibu. It was so funny that the night he wrote me I was wearing the T-shirt he gave me once he showed me around his office in Beverly Hills. Long story short: he mentioned that he might come overseas to visit me. Maybe this Summer or Autumn. No exact date established, but we are in contact for several weeks now. Let’s see how this goes without any predictions or dreams about happily ever after...

Chapter 1

2017-03-31

It’s been a while until I wrote something. I was doing lots of sports, working, meeting friends, planning my bestie’s bachelorette party, celebrating my b-day, watching TV, furnishing my apartment and participating in a project. I did everything to keep my mind as busy as possible and to spend as less as possible time thinking about my relationships. I felt relieved, but also hopeful at the same time. But now I watched romantic movie (cannot be cheezier, right?) and all the emotions came back. The only thing that I desire now is to fall in love with someone at some point and to have a truly pure feelings and just to be happy. I hope and want to meet a person that would appreciate me and I could appreciate him equally. The person that could teach me and could learn from me at the same time. The person that would hug me before I fall asleep and once I wake up. The one who’s voice would be sexiest thing ever. The butt that I would want to grab once he comes back from the shower naked. As long as I did not met him, I want to live my life to the fullest and just to be happy and have an open door for that guy in my life.

2017-02-19

This is one of those night when I know that I need to sleep, but I just can’t. I am thinking about the ones I loved, hated, then became indifferent. But there are still some people that I wish that it worked out despite knowing that it is never going to happen. The memories and wishful thinking are filling this gap. Also it is a moment of mystery as I don’t know who life is going to bring me next and if it is finally going to be the one. The one that I will love unconditionally and I will receive same love from him. The one that will care as much about me as I will care about him. The one that will feel the happiest person to sleep together and to wake up smelling my hair and pulling me tight next to him. The one whose eyes will light up once he sees me. The one that will laugh like an idiot in public after seeing my texts. The one whose smile I will adore and will want to keep in my heart the whole day until I will see him after work. The one that will miss me even being fives minutes away. The one that will care as much as about my day as about my success. The one that will help me decide once I am lost. The one that will always assure that our love isn’t ever fading away. Is that too much to ask? Did I already missed the chance once I destroyed everything with the Greek God? Was he the one and is there nobody else left for me despite 8 billion people in this planet? Why I cannot stop thinking about him - am I insane? How can I keep feelings for a person that I barely knew and that refuses to be in my life? How long it will take until I finally get him out of my mind? Or is it going to be this way forever? I forgot and forgave to The Good Guy Gone Bad, I forgot and forgave to the Fallen Angel. Why I cannot forget and forgive to the Greek God and to myself? Yes, I screwed things up, but he also did. I forgive Greek God and myself for being wrong people at the wrong time. I forgive us for meeting during the wrong circumstances. I want him to be happy and to love someone. I wish same for myself and I hope that he forgave me as well. I am only afraid that he forgot me…

2017-02-18

The Fat Guy never responded me back despite my apologies, but tonight I dream that I am extremely sexy to myself, have perfect body, long hair and the feeling that I am powerful. At the same time, he was begging to meet me, I agreed, but again he could not as he was going to the theatre and had lots of work to do, so I told him that we are over. I really felt the huge disappointment in his action and in him as a person and I am happy for that. Maybe it’s the first time when my dreams works together with me, but not against me. I am feeling really good now - as I know that I am doing the right thing and my unconscious mind agrees with me what is very rare.

And here are some new rules to follow:

First, love and treat yourself, your health and happiness are the priorities.

Second, know your standards and don’t to be vocal about them, if people aren’t willing to deal with your basic rules or to compromise, they ain’t your people.

Third, 2-3 months is enough to know the person - if the relationship is heading down, it is not the way you want it to be, or there is no serious commitment or feelings expressed - it’s time to break up.

Fourth, always remember your friends and family, they will be the ones to support you during your highs and your falls.

Fifth, always live the way you want to and don’t be afraid to tell “no”, if the person really needs you, he can always ask for second time - you don’t need to be “yes” girl all the time.

Sixth, be happy and don’t be jealous about the way other people spend their time, it’s their decision, as you also decide how to spend yours.

Seventh, other people’s achievements are great and you have to be supportive as you would wish the same reaction once something good comes your way.

Eight, never doubt your foxiness despite you didn’t wash your hair for straight 4 days and you are just going to the shop to by some candies, always walk straight and imagine that you look to the third floor, it will make your face lift automatically.

Ninth, every body shape is amazing, if you grew up some weight, celebrate it, but in the meantime work out and eat healthy to make it as you picture your body - maybe your boobs got bigger, so show them.

Tenth, sleep, sleep a lot, there isn’t any spa that can do better to you than good 8 hour sleep a night - your face looks nice, dark circles under your eyes aren’t that visible and all the stupid ideas you had at night seem to be childish.

Eleventh, walk everywhere and whenever you can, it calms mind down and helps to think things through - as we can rarely find time to meditate, it is the perfect way to get to our consciousness.

Twelfth, always think what you are putting into your mouth (and I am not only talking about the dicks!), it will reflect in your body and you health, and never trash your body with shit, it is not a recycle bin, if you want to cheat, you can always find healthier alternatives.

Thirteenth, smoking is not cool anymore, it stinks and is expensive, quit it or smoke only on special occasions.

Fourteenth, there isn’t such thing as a drunk lady, you either drink and look more or less wasted, or you just have fun by being yourself and enjoying your sharp mind, also the next day is all yours and headache free.

Fifteenth, I think it is the best time to make all these adjustments to the lifestyle until you are in your 30’s - as by then it can become a habit and the changes will be irreversible.

Sixteenth, find a soulmate that thinks the same/similar way as you do and it will be way easier to sticking with these rules.

Seventeenth, think about your future family, you have to be an example to your children, as there isn’t anything worse than parents that say one thing and do completely opposite - be genuine and consistent.

2017-02-15

It’s over and I have to face it, it was over few weeks ago and I have to deal with it. The Fat Guy is never going to respond and I’m never meeting him again. We are done. But I am starting to think why all my relationships don’t work - as at some point I screw things up. But maybe this is for a reason? Maybe the reason is that I do not want to be with that person anymore and I jeopardise things unconsciously? I am to scared to see things in a daylight and I do steps after steps to quit it? Also it never my fault or intention to break up, but I am actually the one that starts nagging and talking about it. And if I want something good out of it the relationships, maybe by now I should know that these tactics do not work and it will lead to completely opposite results? Why can’t I just tell to the person: “thanks for amazing time, but it just does not click for me, it’s not you - it’s me, let's remain friends” and similar bullshit instead? I am starting to think that I am just too scared facing the truth - I am not confident in uncertain situations and it freaks me out and I seek for a reason to transfer the blame on the guy’s side? Is it possible that my inner self and my guts are playing these games to break free, because it is my secret desire? Somehow I operate smoothly in other areas like work and friendships, but relationships just stand out. Am I apologising the guy and asking to start it over just because I am scared of loneliness and dating game, but not losing the actual person and I just feel bad about the guy? In most cases I make a huge scene that leads to the breakup once I get bored and I just get this desire to date someone new.

In this particular case I didn’t like The Fat Guy’s unhealthy lifestyle: drinking too often, not doing sports and his “beer belly”. I liked him as a person, but I did not fall for him: my knees weren’t week once I saw him and it was just nice going out to fancy places and to have intellectual discussions, but my mind wasn’t blown away when I was with him. The sex was okey, but a bit boring as well - missionary pose mostly. We saw each other not often enough that I could feel that he cared about me enough. At first he showed lots of attention by sending flowers and candies, but then he stopped, what I did not like. Also at the beginning of our dating he suggested dating ideas, but then eventually I was the one that had to decide what we are doing next. I wanted to be introduced to his friends and family during the Christmas holidays, but I didn’t even met them during more than 4 months of dating. And he did not invite me to celebrate New Year’s Eve with him - I was expecting that. I told him several times that I missed travelling due to saving money for my apartment furnishing, but he never suggested buying me the tickets what did not cost more than one of our dinners. Also he was searching for an apartment to buy, but always considered my own not good enough, what is really a nonsense as it is just great. What is more, I wanted to have a healthy lifestyle: to eat healthy, to do jogging or go to the gym together, to quit drinking, but he was opposite, and all of our dates ended by drinking and eating unhealthy shit instead. Also I realized that due to his obesity, we wouldn’t be a fit couple with fit kids as he would have to lose too much weight and train too hard, and it seemed that he only plans that, but it’s really not on his priorities list.

And the most important thing - even my friends clearly saw that I wasn’t in love, and they saw me in love previously. When I was having health issues last week: I was feeling down, I wanted to puke and I had pain in my belly, and one of the possible reasons could be me being pregnant, I was thinking only of the abortion and could not imagine raising his kid. And I think that this was the moment of truth - if I liked him so much or loved him, I would never be willing to kill our love child and I would be happy (yet frightened due to unexpectedness to be pregnant) to raise the baby. If this had happened with the Greek God, I would be the happiest person alive. At the same time there were things that I couldn’t stand about the Greek God and it was a deal breaker too.

Let’s face it: I never do things that I do not feel like doing and I always have my inner guidance what to do next and if this doesn’t feel right, I would do everything to run away from it. And I am not the person that can drastically remove the ties, so it should be really not making me happy. As with the Nice Guy, I had to get into huge fight and tell him really mean things in order to never talk again with him as he was getting annoying and took my time from exploring new horizons. So I did it, I told really mean things to him just to break free.

I also did the same with the Left-(L)Over Guy - I told him very mean things, because secretly I did not imagine him as my husband or father of my kids. I always thought that I could do better than these average guys and and I am just too good for them, because they always had something that I did not like: bad teeth, not being educated enough or not smart enough, performing average sex, drinking too much, not getting paid well, having another religion, being not tall enough, not fit enough, not having his own apartment or a great car, not showing enough attention, not kissing me the way that I wanted, not being adventurous enough. I also knew that I am out of their league and I deserved as complex person as I am - if there was only a guy like me. I already made the list, now I am only waiting for the right guy to show up. Also this book wouldn’t be so interesting if I were happily married by now, ain’t it?

2017-02-14

Freakin’ Valentine's day: now I am at home, alone, watching “Two and a half man” and figuring out what I am doing wrong with my life. Last friday I lashed out on my now-ex-boyfriend - The Fat Guy. My career is just going great, I have my own apartment, I have friends, I do sports. If not taking this week into account, my health is good - so what the fuck is wrong with me and with my relationships that I always fuck up in the worst moments? It’s obvious that I feel some pressure before serious events, but in general what the fuck is wrong with me? Is it going to stop one day? Can I just date, get serious, engage and finally get married or do I need to meet 50 more guys until the right one will show up? Or isn’t there one at all for me? Somehow my friends, co-workers and classmates, even the most strange or worse tempered ones, can get into serious relationships, but I can’t.

For last couple of years, 4 months of dating is the ultimate achievement - it is like a dead end to me. It seems that I cannot stand another person any longer or I cannot pretend to be another person any longer. It just seems that once the guy starts to know me - they run away and never look back. Never. It’s like I become poisoned or having syphilis after 2 or 3 months of paradise and the last months are just pre-death convulsions. Probably I am the worst person to get into serious relationship with and at some point there won’t be any guys left to date in my city (less than 1 million inhabitants), so I’ll have to move out just to meet a new bunch of guys that I can change according to the season: Mr Nice for spring, the Sexy Guy for summer, the Italian for autumn and the Smartass for winter. The cycle never stops: meet, date, fuck things up, break up, cry to my friends and then back to the dating pool. I am starting to think that I could make a profession of short-term dating and to teach people how not to get attached. It’s like I am a perfect magnet - a person get attached fast, but then he gets sucked dry, so he just runs away. And the most funny part is that I suck quite good, you are guessing what do I suck? Dicks, I suck dicks well - at least that what I was told by the last and some other guys. Or is this like a school of relationship and I have to graduate by banging another subject different semester? Once I pass the exam of 3 or 4 months - it’s time for the next one! Hopefully I will finish this school and won’t be left to repeat the course or get into “Ground Hound dog”, “Memento” or “DejaVu” situation. At least it seems that I do that pretty outstandingly well now. If there is an Oscar for being the best short-term girlfriend - you just need to give me one. It is so funny as I think that now I am really good at “making-guys-to-start-dating-me”, but I am just terrible at the “getting-serious” subject, it’s like I should get F- from that.

And yes, I’m desperate, I just wrote The Fat Guy long SMS (how oldschool of me, right?), basically: “please tell me what I did wrong, we don’t have to meet and to talk this through and I hope that we can end everything friendly and if not, then at least don’t be angry at me/ignore me.” I also told that: “I know that I am veeeery desperate in this case, but I would like to know what I did wrong or what happened for my own sake and I hope that he’ll understand that.” So yeah, I am a very desperate human being, homo desperatus or something like that. I know that I couldn’t go any lower, but I think it is good to know what was wrong and to do some self-analysis and change at least a bit for my personal growth. Hopefully, ”The Fat Guy” answers at least something as this situation is very awkward.

2016-02-11

More than 4 months passed since I have started dating The Fat Guy, and I still feel that it is not right. I like him as person: he is cheerful, fun, smart and hard-working, but we cannot overcome communication issues. He barely texts me, and it is sad as most of the time he is on business trips, so I do not get to see him and I do not hear from him - it is like a dead end. I even counted that since January I texted him first more than 10 times and he texted me only once, he is always busy and not that much interested in my matters. Also when I suggested to meet my friends, he explained that it is a big step and I should see them alone and I can meet with him afterwards. I made a huge drama out of it, I told him that I am not going to be girl that he only sleeps with or meets when he has spare time or is bored, he explained that it is totally not the case. He explained me that his ex-girlfriend of five years was kind of crazy and told lots of bullshit to his and her friends and now he is very cautious about bringing new chicks into the gang. However, I told him that I want him to meet my friends, not his, so we agreed to do this one week after. And to my biggest surprise we did it, he talked a lot with one my friend’s fiancee and my friend had a great opinion about him afterwards.

Despite that, now he is away for more than 3 weeks and we barely talked during this period, so I told him that it is nonsense and I cannot tolerate it. He told me that he just landed in Iceland to have a trip with his friends and that we should talk about this once he is back. I told him that not words, but the actions meant most to me. Furthermore, I claimed that previously we hadn’t such issue and that his behaviour changed and I do not know why. Also if he does not want to see me anymore, he should tell me that now rather keeping me in uncertainty for few more months. Or if he wants to be with me, he should understand my needs as I am sacrificing quite a lot as well.

He didn’t read it or respond for a day now. Very mature. I strongly believe that without any communication and respect no relationship can last even with the highest fire in the pants. I already had relationship for 4 years without proper communication and mutual understanding of each other's needs, and at the end it was just a disaster and caused serious mental issues for me. And probably for my ex. His mother wrote me 5 years after we broke up that he didn’t had any girlfriend since me. By the way, I was his first girl, took his virginity off and etc., but more details in the “Chapter 6: Apr-13 - Sep-08” where I talk about The Good Guy Gone Bad.

This time I am giving myself 12 weeks until May to get ready for dating: to do lots of sports, eat healthy, clean up my mind, read books, finalize this book, find a publisher, attend events and just to be happy. No man is worthy to make me depressed and disrespect me. I am sorry, I just can’t handle that anymore. I love and cherish myself too much, then a guy comes, but he’ll never be no. 1, because I am number one to myself and the guy cannot dictate how I feel. If the guy wants to be part of my life, he can, but he must make me more happier than when I am single. Otherwise, what’s the point, right? I don’t need a man for money, social status or sex, I need a man that would make me happier than I am now, and I am pretty happy already - so beat that challenge. If not, bye bitch!

This book really helps me to realize what I am worthy and that if I could overcome so many struggles, one more breakup is not a big deal, I can handle it as I did previously and each time I come stronger and more self-confident. If guy is boring and the relationship doesn’t go anywhere why should I bother? I am a person that likes fun and new stuff, that likes to climb new mountains and if the man is not ready to walk together and to seek improvement - he’s not my person! And hey - I am just going to be 28 in 1.5 months, I still have more than 2 years to find a right guy to marry and now it is time to shine bright like a diamond and to live up to my desires and expectations! To live a fabulous life - as fabulous as I am!

2016-12-27

This year I had a lot of valuable lessons. First of all, I have learnt that not everything goes my way. I am used to doing things the way I like them to be, but Year 2016 showed me that it is not necessary going to happen that way. I had to challenge my inner strength and to be calm in numerous occasions, e.g. waiting for some guy to write, wait to get a promotion, to get approval for my leese and etc. For a person that is extremely impatient it was a huge challenge, in some cases it led to despair, crying loudly when I’m on my own, telling rude stuff to people and just getting stuck in an invisible 4 sq.m. room that I could not escape from. The worst and the most valuable part is that I understood that I cannot make people like me or contrary - it is free will of that person and I cannot determine that. So I can only be patient and wait until the person tells me about his real feelings.

This year I fell and I stood up on my feet again numerous times, at some point it felt that there is no bright light at the end of the tunnel and I am stuck with my despair. Then I cried, I felt nothing, then revised everything all over again, I was feeling pity for myself, sometimes I was behaving childishly or extremely insensitive, sometimes I was a monster and told horrible things to people that I cared about. I was cheating on diet or another promises to myself, I lied and I tried to obey the rules, I was angry and I was happy as a baby. Sometimes I felt calming harmony, but not for long. I have also learnt that the silence is way better than the best arguments, that it is better to think and not to say anything especially if the person is in power and all the facts are against me.

I was betrayed and I was cheated on, I was heartbroken and I was left by three guys, the fourth might be planning to leave me now. Fuck it! I am going to leave him myself. I am not going to let anyone to fuck around with me again. If he does not pay respect, he is not worth of me. I can be single and happy and I am not going to wait to be brutally dumped again and to destroy my self-confidence one more time. I am stronger than this. I am powerful and I do not need a man. I can be on my own strength. I am too good for his shit and I deserve more than ignorant behaviour. I’m done being nice and licking guys’ asses and begging to stay with me. They have to be worthy of me as I am the queen and I am amazing. They need to deserve me first and they do not have any right to break my heart or behave stupidly and irresponsible. I am just too good for this shit and what I am going to teach myself by the end of 2016 - I am not going to beg or seek any attention. If not now, than never. Bye, bitch! As they say: “Bye, Felicia!” Fuck of you moron! I can go to the spa weekend with my friend or alone who the fuck cares actually.

I have also learned last year that even my family can be against me, they sometimes hesitate on trusting me, but then they do everything to me make me happy. I had party-hard weekends and days that I stayed at home for a week and enjoyed my own company. I started to spend more time at home and to appreciate good sleep and early morning waking-up. I have learnt to say “no” when I do not want things and to say what I want when I meant it. I no longer want to be perfect from the inside and outside and I am not afraid to show my real self. I have started to understand the value of money and how important is to save it. I understand how hard it is not to be able to buy everything you want and sometimes you have to save money before the purchase. I quit daily smoking and now smoke only every second week when I meet my girls for wine. I have learnt things that I never learnt in 27 years of my existence.

I am still not sure how to deal with all these things, but I believe that the next year I will become wiser, I’ll take time to think and then act. I keep myself as a priority now, but at the same time I love people for what they are and not try to change them as it should be their decision. I strongly hope and I do my best to understand my needs if it even means not looking perfect in other people’s eyes. I hope that I don’t need man’s approval to feel pretty or happy. I really hope that finally next year I have a person on my side that I can be myself with and I can truly love him. And to receive love back. I hope that 2017 brings me more love, hope and happy moments and I no longer need to think if the person likes me and if he wants to be with me. I hope that I stop looking to my phone and wait for the appreciation from the guy. I hope that I have balance in the giving and receiving in the relationship.

I hope that my apartment becomes home and I am my fittest self. I believe that I am going to climb the career ladders successfully and work from home most of the time. I believe that I am going to travel again once I am done with my apartment furnishing. I hope that I am sticking to my plan to spend at least one month of the winter in another country with +35 C each year. I hope that I am completely healthy and keep loving my body and mind. I hope that I do not have any bad thoughts and my mind is clear and beautiful. I hope that I stop being jealous about other people’s success and can be simply happy for them. I hope that the calm happiness is coming back to my life and is never leaving again. I need a break from social networks and TV shows, I need to live real life again, read books and meet people in person or talk via phone.

In the recent couple of years I survived so much: falling in and of love at least 3 times, facing death of my loved one, the guy who I was dating left me to go back to his ex-wife just after presenting me to his parents, I totally screwed up relationship with the perfect guy, I was my worst and best self. I just know one thing - despite what life is going to bring me (and I am sure that it is going to be a wonderful life) - I am going to make it. I am going to take the lemons and to squeeze them to the best lemonade ever. And hey! I started a book about my love experiences, it might be that I am not going to finish it ever, but at least I have what to write about and I found a perfect way to calm my mind down.

November 2016

My dreams - my darkest insecurities

My dreams, especiality the most realistic ones, are my darkest fears and insecurities that I do not allow to rule me during the day. But they crawl at night, when I am alone and vulnerable. They are slowly poisoning my conscious mind as well and make me feel that it is a reality or the future. But it never happened - my dreams never came true. I never reunited with The Greek God, despite the year that passed. And I dreamt about him often. Two months ago I started dating new guy - The Fat Guy (never dated overweight guy before so I decided to give it a try): lots of attention, he sent flowers and chocolates to my office several times, brought me to weekend getaway.

And now I started to dream bad things about him. Last Sunday I have dreamt that he is an alcoholic - what is my deepest fear due to my mother’s illness. Yesterday I dreamt that we were a couple for 5 years and despite coming home to me after his trip, he went to his mistress and I saw that. It was heartbreaking and I lost the trust in this person. And actually he came after business trip today, but didn’t write me or anything. I am extremely sad today. I feel lost. It seems that it really happened and this is scary - I do not divide my real life and my dreams, they started to affect me and my decisions. They make me sad and anxious. What should I do? I want to be in charge with my life and to have conscious mind.

Chapter 2

Beginning of October 2016

I told myself: you are strong, beautiful, you kick arses in all areas except relationships - so why to struggle even more if it does not work. Just be. Alone. Single. First time in your life for real. Not hoping prince charming to save you, be your own prince charming. Be your star and your moon. Stop building sand castles, build one from the rocks. Your own castle. Be the person that you will fall in love. Love yourself the most. You are the most important and most valuable over here. You are precious and amazing, you are the reason to wake up in the morning and to fall asleep at night. You have great goals and one day you will conquer the world in your own matters. Men are just not worthy of you. You are too good to be truth for them. And everyone would love to be with you, but you choose to be the best version of yourself - not for a guy, not for a relationship, not for marriage or kids. You are the one for you.

You are the greatest thing that ever happened to you and fuck everyone that say differently. You don’t need approval from anybody else, as you know that you are worth more than all money in the world. You have the best qualities ever: patience, inner strength, stamina, amazing soul. You conquered all negativity and all fails in your life with the greatest power and while standing still. You are worthy of magic and incredible life with amazing people around. Never settle if you are not 100% sure. You will do that when you know that it’s right. You will definitely know when it’s right. You will feel it with your body, mind and soul. It’s a journey to yourself and it’s just a beginning. You are still young, good looking, charming, intelligent, funny, street-smart and you have the guts!

You have everything what it takes to be called a woman from capital W. You are the greatest Woman to walk on this planet, even though you are the only one that think about that. Never let anybody to bring you down, as they just do that to steal your strength and to check your ability to rise from the ashes. You fell so many times, but each time you just get stronger and kick arses again and again. Be yourself, never pretend, because you are amazing with all your great qualities and your flaws. The picture of you is amazing and keep painting it. And never forget - you should always be the most important person for yourself whenever what. You are the prime, you are the goal and the reason at the same time. You bring light and darkness at the same time. You keep becoming more powerful and remain true human at the same time. You, the way you are, you are worthy to create songs about, to paint pictures and be portrayed in the best selling books. Love yourself the most as you are the Right One for yourself.

Despite all these nice words for myself I cannot fall asleep, I think about all the things that happened to me. About all the guys that crossed my path and I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t see any view, but somehow I know that everything is going to be alright and I am going to make it. Even in relationships. Each time I get more mature, each time I am less afraid to express myself, each time I am less scared and confused when the relationship ends. As far as I came, I still know that I am strong and that eventually everything is going to be fine. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, but I’ll be fine. I will be happy because I deserve it. After all these awkward paths I am going to find my way, my road, my true love. It’s over there, just waiting for me to be completely ready. To be ready to love, to show affection, to fight for it as I will know that it’s right and it’s worthy. All past encounters and people that I met are preparing me for something bigger and stronger. For something beautiful and amazing as I deserve it after all these struggles. I know that my future will be bright and filled with love and other wonderful feelings.

Mid-September 2016

The new era: me, myself and I

What I understood from all of these stories: at first I have to love myself, then it’s a turn for somebody else. Without self love, without self appreciation, self respect there won’t be love from the others. And I am really lucky as I got to learn these lessons by being only 27 years old, other people don’t get it until they have grandchildren, and some - never. I am the luckiest person on the Earth, I got all these challenges at this early stage and now I am able to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of dicks.

However, we still meet with the Friendly guy, we exchange texts usually. We even made out one evening when we were celebrating his lessee for apartment. Then I wanted him to sleep with me, but once he refused, I left home. While being wasted I wrote him some insulting stuff, asking if he is stupid not to have a casual sex, that I liked him and for second time he crushed my heart. The next day I apologized and we still actively remain as friends.

But my dreams are killing me, two days ago I was dreaming that we are having sex with The Greek God and everything ended when he stick his toe to my face, it was covered with honey and he asked me to lick it.

The second awkward dream was just this night, I dreamed that I was going to get married to The Good Guy Gone Bad (Chapter 6) and all my friends and my family were there. I also dreamed that we had a pre-wedding picnic in front of my grandmother's’ apartment, but then the storm occurred. I asked everyone to pick up things and to throw trashes away. Then I went to my grandmother’s apartment and could not find the door, the entrance looked completely different and high-tech: there were screens, scales and computers everywhere and they showed different numbers. Then I decided to go to my mother's apartment to find someone. Once I went there, I met an angry woman at the entrance and I pushed her. I run into my mother's’ apartment and tried to lock the door, but could not manage. The woman opened the door and there was a man standing next to her. They told me that my punishment will be that I have to make out with both of them while pooping on the toilet, so I did, there were two other people. I refused to make out with them and woke up.

Another awkward dream that week was about that I was walking in some damaged district with my mother and then we came to the river and she she told me that it would be a wonderful place to build a house. The view was amazing - the river, sunrise, trees and beautiful buildings in front of us. Then we turned and we saw a man with a liquor, he spilled that on me looking angrily and ironically and then he light a match and threw it on me. And I started to burn.

The last dream that night was not less strange: I entered my house, climbed the stairs and once I reached the top, the stairs was going down and I saw open doors. There was a fence in the garden, I saw various dogs, a cat was attacking one of them and I helped him out.

Flashbacks that remind me about the Greek God are still coming back, this time I remembered a feeling when we were watching a movie about Japanese person who saved a lot of jews just before WW2. I remember that feeling when we were standing there and I was feeling so close to him not only physically, but also psychologically and emotionally. He felt so close and so warm. Soon it will be almost one year since we met and I still miss him. I am stuck. My life is still stuck on him and I have to break through. However, despite how I try, I can’t. Or I don’t want to.

At this part of my life I want just to be alone - I don’t mean single, I mean that I don’t want to be surrounded with other people, I just want to concentrate on myself. I never felt such a great need. Usually I have this kind of periods, but not as strong as this time. Now I just want to take a rest, sleep a lot, not to talk to nobody, just to be calm. I even quit smoking, it’s only the second week, but I don’t feel a need after more than 10 years of smoking. I tried to quit so many times, I pretended that I don’t smoke for so many guys, including the Greek God. The worst part was that I wanted to end a date and just to go to smoke so badly - I actually even did this few times. I also don’t have any urge to drink alcohol as I know that I’ll want to smoke once I am drunk. And now I am trying to avoid both. I am not really interested in talking with people as it seems like a struggle to me and usually I am kind of talkative person. I just want to be at home with myself and my thoughts. I even skipped few meetings with friends what never happened before.

I decided what is my priority and goal in life - to be the healthiest version of my own and to stop jeopardize my health: no cigarettes, to drink alcohol only on special occasions, no stress, a lot of sleep, good food, working out, and just to love myself and my body. To be sincere, I just did one thing now. I still eat a lot of sweets, I am still under stress. But hey, it’s better to start step by step instead of extreme stress and then to quit soon. I started to read books about health and it’s importance. I went to doctors and took some procedures for the health issues that I have. I want to be the best and healthiest version of myself. To love myself and to stop slowly killing myself. I cannot live in self-destruction anymore. Maybe this is the reason that I want to spend more time in loneliness. To get to know myself better because I start to understand that despite more than 27 years in this body, I don’t know me, I was hiding from myself and I was trying to avoid this person my whole life. Few days before I read beautiful words how a person should treat himself:

“The time will come532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayMHv0G5UZ
when, with elation532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFQVBrNa8y
you will greet yourself arriving532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppsvVS2aA2
at your own door, in your own mirror532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAcfTpDWsv
and each will smile at the other's welcome,532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdpn1ks89i
532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNQkUoSjuX
and say, sit here. Eat.532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3OB1aTKqd
You will love again the stranger who was your self.532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeCtyLShBU
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuziEvZB27s
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JQZVLvAGN
532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PtgxT3T0W
all your life, whom you ignored532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOXGwIuB4P
for another, who knows you by heart.532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0iOwpPQut
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7d1VD6TTbB
532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7h3ilqZZr1
the photographs, the desperate notes,532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOm2XBr5I2e
peel your own image from the mirror.532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBNGgwjm1O
Sit. Feast on your life.”532Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmddHgdjAnz
“Love after love” by Derek Walcott

I started to believe that the moment I will fully accept and love myself then there won’t be a need for someone else’s appreciation, acceptance and then I will be free from prejudices, from social norms and other people’s thoughts. Only then I can invite other people back to my heart otherwise there isn’t much to give and to show to them. To be true altruist one has to become the biggest egoist. Only when I will understand that my physical and psychological needs are met, then I can help other people. If my body, mind and soul aren’t complete, I cannot be an equal part in a relationship with other people as there will be a lot of doubts, self-destruction and insecurities.

Finally, I have started to feel that there is a hope again. I slept, I stayed calm and finally I found my inner peace and inner fountain of strength. Everything is going to be alright. I am happy again. After almost a year of pain that did not leave me even in my dreams I am free again. I feel this happy dizziness. And it's not from sex, cigarettes, alcohol, sport or kisses. It's just natural happiness as a natural habit. I found my way back to being positive, being myself again. Also there is a new me at the same time. So this mix is what I was seeking and searching for so long. I am back, bitches! I have this great feeling of presence and I am satisfied with this moment with few sparks of past and future. But neither past, neither future now determine me as I am all about this moment and it makes me very happy. I feel sharp and dizzy at the same time and I love this feeling. I want to stay in it.

I am finally happy again. I am finally as happy as I never been before. I can sleep calmly now, I can feel peaceful now again. I love every piece of myself and I accept everything about me, because I know what kind of person I truly am. I am a great and confident human being worthy of all great things in my way and I don't need to do any self-destructive activities to punish or to cherish myself. I know the perfect way to feel and be happy - the presence, being myself and doing everything to be happy and healthy. To have a happy and healthy body, mind and soul and not to skip any part of this whole presence of me.

Everything's gonna be alright, I am telling to myself to stop being scared as everything will work out eventually: career, money, love, family, kids, travelling. All is going to be fine and my work is to be present and to cherish the moment not planning five steps ahead and avoid repeating, reviewing and regretting past memories what - I cannot change this anymore. Past is irreversible. It was, it happened and that's a fact, I have to accept and to live with it despite I want it or not.

And the Greek God is gone. Thank him for all the lessons. There are so many good things waiting for me and he is not one of them as he is my past. Now breathe and be happy in this moment because it will pass and then I'll regret that I haven't fulfilled it 100%. That I won't breath and smell it anymore. That I won't see the brightness of it anymore. That I won't be able to feel it's smoothness and sharp ends at the same time anymore. Just be present, be happy by any means. Also I have to let myself to be sad or pathetic if I want to. The true happiness is exploring all variety of my feelings despite their negativity or positivity. And the best way to deal with past emotions or negativity is just to imagine that I am not present in the situation, but that I can see it through a window, and then slowly close the curtain and let it go.

It took more than a year to finally get back on my feet: the Fallen Angel, then the American and finally the Greek God - they broke my self-awareness and confidence. But now I am stronger and I know that each struggle, misfortune or just random shit are not going to drag me down. I am not going to sacrifice what I have built in 27 years for any guy. If he wants to be in my life, he has to be completely worthy and also to bring more happiness than I can bring to myself. Otherwise it is just pointless to settle down for someone who is not worthy. I strongly believe that I can do a great things in my life and I need support and an example from the person I am willing to share my life with. It was a long journey to feel powerful and feminine at the same time, but now I made it.

I know what I want and I am not afraid to tell that out loud. The person I am going to be with has at least similar level of education as I do - Bachelor’s Degree at Uni. He is working in management position or is having his own company, it can be even a startup, but the guy is showing desire for constant improvement. Financially he is doing better than me, as I know that men struggle when woman is earning more - they don’t feel as manly (it was proven several times to me). He has his own place: apartment, house, semi-detached house - I don’t care what kind of type - but at least he is not renting. He is willing to work his ass off, but still remains passionate and positive about life. The guy understands that the balance between personal and work life is the key, and that neither his girlfriend, family or friends cannot be forgotten. Regarding looks and health, he is at least 6’2 ft or 190 cm that I could wear my heels on, he takes care of himself and his health, does some sports, doesn’t smoke cigarettes or weed (maybe once a year) or does not drink alcohol without any serious reason. Also he is thinking about his clothes and hair style, in case of need I could give him some advice, but mainly it is his decision.

He is a person that wants to teach me things, but is also able and willing to learn new stuff together. The guy is into intimacy, sex and likes a bit rough intercourse sometimes. He knows what he wants and he does it without whining, he is proactive and knows that I need quite a lot of attention, but also that I like some space from time to time. He is willing to take new opportunities, likes doing some adventures, improvising and can be goofy and funny when it is time and place. He is driving a better car than I do and would like to go for a ride with me just for fun. We share similar values and religious beliefs. He is aware of great manners and how to please a woman. This is not negotiable. Period.

Chapter 3

2016-08-08

I wrote to the Greek God: “Hey, how are your vacations?” and he didn’t read it and didn’t reply.

It is the end of the Greek God’s story.

New era just emerged.

2016-08-07, 11 PM:

The words to the Greek God that I wanted to say so badly, but never did: I am so scared to wake up tomorrow, to write you and to get the truth in front of my eyes. What if you reject me and I won’t have what to fantasize about anymore? What if you agree to meet up and won’t show up? What if we meet, but you are indifferent and distant to me? What if you want to hear some magic words, but I won’t be able to speak? What if I understand that I love you? What if you do it too? What if we get back together - how we forget all bad things that happened and terrible words that have been told? What if you are the one and everything will work out - will I be able to live up to your expectations? What if all is just an illusion and I just wasted 7 months and I won’t feel anything for you?

So many scenarios and I can’t pick the right one. I am just scared. But I have to overcome my fears, at least this time. I have to be a grown woman and take responsibility for my actions, past, present, future, poker faces and my true self. I have to be brave, because as infamously said by Emma Watson: “If not me, who? If not now, when?”. One thing is clear - I cannot live like I lived past 7 months, enough is enough. I have to turn to new chapter - with you or without you - that’s your decision, but I will make the first step at least. Fear is my greatest enemy and my greatest motivator - I still didn’t pick the side where I stand against my fears, doubts and lack of stamina. But maybe these failures and successes are what makes us women being bold and strong, fragile and vulnerable at the same time? I don’t want and I am not going to be perfect - I am far from that. I just want a peaceful life with my lover, to share some small pleasures and happiness, to give shoulder to cry on and hand to hold to, and to receive same in return.

2016-08-06, 2AM:

I cannot sleep, I am thinking about us and listening to our songs. Is it going to happen? Will I finally meet you next week? I want this weekend to disappear and to know the truth faster, but I have to be patient and smart. At least this time I should be smarter. I remember all the things and how I didn’t cherish every moment. If I was there now, I would smell your hair, your skin, I would photograph every inch of your body and keep it in my memory. I would hold you tight and kiss you tender. I lost the most beautiful thing in my life just because I was too afraid of my feelings. The feelings were too deep, too strong and too crazy.

I am so afraid again, that you won’t meet me, that you’ll find an excuse not to show up. But maybe you will. It keeps my feelings alive. I hope that it will solve out as I don’t know what to do with myself, how to live knowing that all is gone and it won’t happen. I just don’t know.

The American (more - in the next chapter) send me videos from one year ago today, but I don’t feel anything for him - and I thought that I liked him so much. But it didn’t last, once I met you all was gone - all feelings for the American just disappeared and I was left with the bitterness only. But at the same time it scared me to death to start feeling something to new person - to the Greek God. And I kept waiting, I pretended that there were nothing: no feelings, no attachment, just fun and sex. Why was I so wrong? Why was I so stupid and naive? I kept waiting until it was too late. And now I am really afraid that it is really too late and I lost you forever. And instead I would like to be with you forever. Let’s see what the next week will bring to me: seeing you again and letting myself to fall in love again or I will have to forget everything and move on.

2016-08-05, night:

I just watched your old video and I still cannot stop smiling while looking at you. The feeling is the same and I cannot wait for anything else more than our meeting. I really really hope that it will come truth. I waited for so long and so patiently. I am ready now. I believe in myself now. I know what I want and it’s you. I am totally different person now. I am not saying that I don’t yet angry anymore, but I just accept my emotions and do not hold them back. I release them once they occurs and I feel better because of that.

When I saw your eyes, your hair and heard your voice on the video it was magic again. I don’t know what I am going to tell you, what I am going to do, but I know that I need to meet you. Finally. As the time came. I am more self confident, more real me and I just want to show you this side of me. And maybe you will start missing me as well. Or not. I cannot control your emotions and decide our future, but I can do my best at the moment. I re-read this chapter thousands of times, and each time it breaks my heart how much I have suffered and I want to end this pain once and for all despite the outcomes.

2016-08-01

I just broke up with the Friendly guy. He told me that he doesn’t have any feelings for me. And I was shocked, but glad at the same time and I knew what to do. I wrote to the Greek God and told him that I cannot stop thinking about him after 7 months and I think that I made biggest mistake in my life. He told me that he is surprised as he thought that I was really angry with him. I explained him that I had an idea that he is out of my league and I was angry at myself because of my mistakes and I put my anger at him. Let’s see what he says about it. In the meantime, I told the Friendly guy, that he is right and I am glad that he was the one who told that we do not have feelings for each other. I told him some time ago that I still dream about Greek God and that I am comparing them. That wasn’t the smartest move, but I wanted to be open with him.

If this isn’t love then I don’t know what love is. I asked Greek God to meet up for a coffee and he agreed! Probably it will be next week as he is on vacation in his hometown. He was surprised when I told him that after so many months I still think about him and I miss him. He didn’t expect this and didn’t think about it. I really really hope to see him. Once and for all. I try to control my thoughts and not to think about it, but it’s almost impossible. It was such a long time and I still cannot forget him. I started listening to our songs and now they seem so right:

“Oh, but when you're gone. When you're gone, when you're gone. Oh baby, all the lights go out. Thinking, oh that, baby, I was wrong. I was wrong, I was wrong. Come back to me, baby, we can work this out. Oh baby, come on, let me get to know you. Just another chance so that I can show. That I won't let you down and run. No, I won't let you down and run. Cause I could be the one. <...> Oh, but when you're gone. When you're gone, when you're gone. Oh baby, all the lights go out. Thinking, oh that, baby, I was wrong. I was wrong, I was wrong. Come back to me, baby, we can work this out. “ (Dua Lipa - Be The One).

“Would you mind if I still loved you? Would you mind if things don't last? Would you mind if I hold onto. You so that I won't crash? Morning light, I'm at your door. One last time, and no one's there (Nobody, nobody, nobody, no). Drove all night, just to beat you home. Would you mind if I waited? Would you mind if I wait right here? And I really, really, wanna love you. And I'm really only yours. Even if it don't last forever, I wanna let you know. We really had something special. It's hard tryna let it go. I'm just being honest, I'm still in the moment.” (Usher - Crush)

“I am screaming your name on the top of the car for so long, if you give me a chance I will find a way to get back to you, when I’ll meet you I am going to tell you how I feel” (translated from another language) - and similar words now come to puzzle and makes perfect sense. I might be crazy, but none of the guys in my life took so much time to be forgotten. And I still did not forget him and dreamt about him even though the Friendly Guy was sleeping next to me. My love for the Greek God is stronger than any boundaries and this time I have to be confident and believe in myself. Otherwise there is nothing to be believed into.

Two days passed and I do not miss the Friendly Guy, we chat regularly, but I believe that it’s right thing that we broke-up. Seems like it had to be like this, I feel in the right place now. I believe that during these hard 7 months I have learned to communicate while in relationship, to be open and to say what matters most to me, also I started not to tolerate bullshit and I say so openly. I learned that not everything is about sex, that talking and feeling each other matters as much as sex. I understand that people are tired (especially working on 2 jobs!) and sometimes it is nice and cozy just to snuggle at home even without saying a word. Or when he hugs me while sleeping in the morning - the best feeling ever. I miss all of this. And not because of being afraid to be single. I miss all because of him. I don’t have anymore tears to cry.

July, 2016

Letter to the Greek God: I still miss you. Now 7 months passed, I wrote you twice, asked how are you doing, asked to meet up and you agreed. But then I was afraid and didn’t ask for the second time. When I still hear our song Dua Lipa “Be The One”, the memories come back. I cannot forget you. I made the biggest mistake in my life and I have to deal with it. I wanted you to be the one and I screwed things up. I was so afraid of what we can become, I was afraid of myself with you.

Now I am dating a Friendly Guy for a month and I hope that he will fill the gap. But I really doubt so. He isn’t you. He will never be you, but I have to move on. I cannot live with you in my mind anymore. I cannot love a shadow. I cannot be a shadow. You don’t want me in your life and that’s good. You were always smarter than me. I sometimes forget how I felt rejected by you. Then I wrote you again and felt the same way. I have to forget you. But I can’t. I don’t know what to do with myself. You broke my heart. My heart is still aching and I feel that physically not only emotionally. I wanted to make you love me again, but it is impossible. I have to deal with the impossible and that I will remain without you forever. Again I met a person at the wrong time. But I never missed anyone as much as you. I have never missed anyone as much. Even if they were dead. I hope that in the second life I will meet you again and it will be alright. We will be alright as we are meant for each other.

Why I didn’t dedicate the Friendly guy a chapter? I don’t know. I don’t see he him as one. I didn’t see the divorced guy as well. I would like him to be part of my new story, but there is nothing to tell. He is just nice. He makes problems as all guys do, but he does not make my skin vibrate, my head is not turning 360 degrees when I am with him. He is just fine and that’s it. He is smart and handsome, but does not make me scream how happy I am. I do not feel crazy. I feel fine.

Now he was thinking for several weeks about our relationships and got scared. He became distant (such a surprise). So I just told him to bring all my stuff back as I do not see this working on. But he told that he wants to meet up and discuss things. He wants to be in a relationship, but he is afraid that he might be a wrong guy, bad father and he will just waste my time. I told him that I am afraid that we won’t work in bed and that all of us have a lot of concerns. I don’t know how this is going to work out. It might be good, it might suck, but I just don’t know.

For the first time in my life I am just tired of struggling and making things work. I am not trying to push the relationship forward. If he wants to be with me, he needs to show it and earn my respect. As I am not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid to never get married and not to have kids. Whatever. I love myself just too much to struggle for any random guy. I have dated more than fifty guys. I don’t want to play this game anymore. Enough is enough. I am enough for myself. There is a bright future for me and no guys are stopping me going there. I am amazing and beautiful inside and out. I am ready for all challenges and I am not scared to face the truth. I am more than enough. I am a great person and I deserve to be loved and to be happy all the time. I struggled too much to be loved. But not anymore. My love for myself is enough and I fulfil all my holes.

May 2016

Approximately five freaking months passed, but I am still not over the Greek God. I am still searching for his face in the crowd and believing that our paths will cross again one day. Two of my friends saw him already: on a date with a girl and in a bar waiting for a friend. And I didn’t. And this is a small town, and I am going out so often - I haven’t seen him for five months. Sometimes I ask how this is even possible.

I was going to dates, lots of dates. The first week we broke up with the Greek God, I had 7 dates. I also met several guys later on, had a crush on a guy who was more into waking/ surfing than into me. Also I have dated a man for a month and met his parents, but apparently he got back to his ex-wife that he officially divorced more than a half a year ago. They broke up after she cheated on him while they were married. But as it is clear - this does not stop man from crawling down to cheating bitches.

The most funny thing that this dude had same name as the Greek God. The craziest thing is that I had a one-night-stand with a guy I met in the club also with the same name and similar height. So officially I am only into Greek God’s lookalikes and guys with the same name. However, thinking about him also had a good influence to me: I travelled to Panama (Greek God was in Puerto Rico), I bought an apartment (he had his own as well), I will soon start working with startups as my second job (Greek God also had a second job in a start up). He loved reading books, and I started writing one. So summing up, I started to become his copy cat.

The only problem - I want him back in my life. I clearly understand now that I made the worst mistake in my life by acting out, being a bitch, not opening my heart when he asked for it, pooping his birthday party, and acting out like a slut in public. I wrote to his friend’s girlfriend, but she didn’t text back to me.

I also saw him on Tinder today - I got such a huge wave of temperature that I though I will burn. And I swiped him “yes”. And you know what - I even imagine if he does it also. And then we start to talk. And then I say so nice words and we are back together finally. I know that this has to be a miracle. But common, I am a freaking crazy dreamer and once I start believing in things, somehow they work out.

I never had this long-lasting and strong feeling after a break-up for anybody. I also learned some huge lessons about me and my lifestyle. I even grown up and started to make adult decisions (not all time, but at least I try). I am ready to be in a normal and a lasting relationship. With him. I don’t want nobody else. Dear God, just bring him back to me, that’s my highest desire. I do not imagine any other guy that I could marry or have kids with. First time our paths crossed during business meeting, then we saw each other couple of years later, started dating and then I blew the chance away. Please make the third time work. Work work work - like in Rihanna’s song.

March 2016 - October 2015

Probably I won’t be a protagonist in this book, some might even think: “what a bitch!” and I am almost one hundred percent sure that they will be right. My decisions, and especially, my actions, were barely based on bright mind; mostly it is a sociopathic and sporadic behavior. This story will explain why I have started with such negativity on myself.

I have met him at the time when I came back after a long-waited and full of adventures trip that started very well, had a tragedy (at least in my mind) in the middle and ended in the way that I wanted. I will explain more in the next chapter where I refer to The American. So basically what I wanted at that time is just to be carefree, to have a great time and not to plan more than one day. Physically it was making me puke to plan more than few days; I just wanted to have one huge chill-out. Two days after the trip, me and my bestie were doing a bar-hopping and ended up at the place which we loved to hang out. Just before going inside we agreed to have a cigarette. While smoking I noticed some hotties playing table soccer and told my friend that we should go there once we are done with slowly killing ourselves (smoking, yes, I mean smoking). After few moments we were standing next to some guys and asked them if we could play afterwards and you should see their eyes, they happily accepted and even suggested to play together (geeks they were).

I don’t exactly remember how this happened, but the hottie, which I say while smoking outside, was standing next to me and were telling me some flirty bullshit while I was playing table soccer with the geeks. And what was my reaction? No, it wasn’t friendly. No, I wasn’t shy or polite either. I just told him in a quite rude manner: “You are distracting me from the game”. I remember repeating it for few times. Then he and his friend (who was also cute) left. So I ended up my party as usually: wasted, drunk, smelling disgusting from the pack of cigarettes. On the way home, we grabbed some pizzas and went back home. Then I decided to check out the guys that were my age or younger on Tinder. I usually prefer guys at least couple of years older, but we met some quite OK young ones at that bar. I swiped like couple of dozen times and went to sleep.

The next day when I woke up, I saw some messages on Tinder and one on Facebook. It was him - the guy that I was rude to. He wrote me in an easy-going manner and it seemed that I caught his attention at the bar, then on Tinder and then he found me on Facebook as we were sharing a friend. Anyways, we talked a bit and agreed to meet few days later. Instead of going for chit-chat to any random bar, I suggested going to ice-hockey match and he happily agreed. None of us have been there before, but were enthusiastic about it.

The date was smooth and we started chatting and dating regularly. He took me to various events: classical music, singing poetry concerts, cinema; we met each other at the bars as well. However, he didn’t kiss me for six dates what was awkward for such a whore as I am. Ok, let’s go a bit off-the topic. I have a very strange thing – there are two types of guys in my life mostly. With some guys I kiss or sleep at the first night and some guys take ages to kiss me or it ends up without any physical contact at all. So as you probably already understood, he was the second option. And it was getting into my nerves – I got him a bit more drunk than usual and kissed him myself. As he explained it later on, he didn’t want to force things as he was doing that before and now he is more mature. “Bullshit!” - I thought.

For one and half month it was like a fairytale, I couldn’t even find anything wrong about him. I even started questioning myself and told one of my ex-friends with benefits The Teacher about it (more about him in upcoming chapters). The Teacher advised me to be careful as he seemed too good to be true: young, sexy, good-looking, good-kisser, tall, has a cat from animal shelter (!), his own apartment, job at management, drives a great car. And what is the most awkward – is showing attention and wants to make plans with such a bitch like me. It is not that I look terrible, I am quite good looking. I wouldn’t be a model or something like that, but I have some nice qualities as I am tall and not fat. Also I can talk about various topics – from politics to cinema, from cars to art. But back to him – I was adoring him, at least from the physical perspective. Every time I saw his naked butt after sex, I was thinking: “Oh my God, I am banging a Greek God”. I was even fantasizing about him while at work, gym or home. I was feeling so lucky to get his attention and he seemed to be a man that lots of girls would be interested in. Even he told me few times that there are girls seeking his attention, but I pretended to ignore that.

I was waiting for something to be wrong with him, but couldn’t actually find it, so I started to rethink our conversations, think about the way the Greek God acts, how much attention he pays to me. And of course, I found it! If you dig deep enough you will always find something black to satisfy your masochistic needs. I started to feel stressed out about us; I started to think that the Greek God is texting not often and not enough. I started to seek for some bad labels that I could attach to him. And out of the sudden he actually started to become more distant, less happy and did not want to see me as often. I took this as a sign that probably we are going to break up soon. Every f u c k i n g day it was in my mind. I was thinking: “probably today will be the day, as he did not wish me goodnight”. I became obsessed with everything that included both of us and I started to see our relationship in dark colors only. Oh the funniest part, my behavior was just wonderful. I provoked an argument because we did not spend enough time doing active things, instead we were watching movies, going to the theatre and just being cozy together. Also I told him that I do not enjoy sex with him as he takes too long before we start the intercourse and I just want to fuck! Not too much of kissing, touching, no cunilingus, just animal sex, just deep penetration and that’s it! And this argument was a day before Greek God’s birthday celebration and lasted until 7 AM. Few times I even told that it is not working out between us and I probably should go home. The next day I got drunk during his birthday, went to smoke with other girls at the party (he didn’t know that I do), I ended up wasted at 10 PM and asked him to drive me home. I was wearing slippers, my shoes were in my hands and the Greek God took my stuff. After he brought me home with the taxi, I was trying to convince him to have sex with me while 20 or more of his friends were waiting at the party. Of course, the Greek God disagreed as he had more common sense than I did. I still believe that he does.

Chapter 4

Beginning of October 2015

Once we landed in LA, the American picked us from the airport and brought us to the bus stop to go to his place - he had to go to the office. He seemed to be nice, polite, but I did not see any special affection that we had back in my country 2 months ago. As he was working late that first night and girls were tired after the flight, I agreed to meet one guy from Tinder that I chatted for a month or so for some drinks. We had a great time, he was very funny and nice, he reminded me of a Hippie somehow and we went to a speakeasy with Burlesque, I tried the best cocktail ever there - the White Doll.

Once I came back home, we had a chat with American and then went to sleep: girls were sleeping on the couch and I was sleeping with the American. But there were no touches, no kisses - nothing. I thought: “Ok, let’s see what about tomorrow”. Second and third day he was distant and busy again. Then I got desperate and just asked him what’s wrong, and he explained me that he just see me as friend and does not feel anything about me. Of course I was devastated, I freaked out and I did not want to talk to him anymore, I was crying whole day, because I was really into him after those two amazing weeks in my country. How childish of me.

The night after we went out with the girls for a bull ride and just to cheer me up. I could not register my card on Uber and asked the Hippie guy to help. So he ordered us Uber and we went for a bull-riding place, but it was closed due to water leaking. So I wrote to the Hippie guy again, and he came to pick us up and brought to another pub and went somewhere else as he was busy that night. Then I started to chat with one of the guys from Tinder and agreed to meet in that pub. He was game designer, had long dark hair and was very sweet. We started to party with my girls and then ended in some cool club. The Long-Haired Guy really liked me, it was obvious, and he was very touchy - what was completely opposite from the American’s behaviour since I came to LA.

The next day the The Long-Haired Guy took me to the most romantic date ever despite me still being depressed about the American. We went to the restaurant in Malibu, had perfect food and wine, there were piano playing and live singing, and it was long-haired guy’s birthday. He actually never celebrates it, but he told me that it was the most amazing present to spend time with me. The full moon with an eclipse was that night - and The Long-Haired Guy kissed me for the first time on the hill in the Malibu when I was looking at this amazing moon. It was the greatest date ever until now - and I am not even a romantic type. During the date, The American was texting me numerous times and asked me to come back soon as he and the girls have ordered pizza and were watching movies. It was first time in couple of days that he showed so much attention. When I came back from the date and we went to the balcony to smoke - The American tried to push me to the wall and kiss me, but I refused.

In the next couple of days I met The Long-Haired Guy again and The American started to behave strangely: tried to touch me accidentally and to make a contact with me, but I was avoiding it. I was barely talking to him and tried to be as official as possible. The last night all four of us (my girls, me and The American) went to the bull riding and got a bit wasted. We went to smoke with The American few times and we talked: I explained him that I was surprised that he was so distant and he broke my heart by behaving that nothing happened between us in my country. He explained me that he was scared and confused once I came, and thought that I want something really serious with him. I told him that despite how much I liked him, I am not that stupid and I understand that the overseas relationship is not going to happen and I just wanted to have same amount of fun as in my country. When we came back home, we made out like crazy, but I refused having sex with him as it just felt wrong - he had so many possibilities during that week and decided to use it only the last night.

The day when we went to the airport was crazy as well: The American was working that day and The Long-Haired Guy took us to The American’s work, because we had to bring him home keys. I said goodbye to him when The Long-Haired Guy was standing nearby and it was extremely strange - as I was making out with both guys the same week. Once I landed back to my country, I slept for 20 hours or more and two days after I met the Greek God and you know the rest of the story now. The American and The Long-Haired Guy texted me few times afterwards, but it was obvious that nothing is going to happen and I was so in love with the Greek God that I didn’t care about any of them anymore. So this is how my story with the American ended. He sent some videos and photos some time ago, but it was the last time we talked (in August, 2016 I think), but the last day we agreed if I ever come to NYC (what I am definitely going to do as I loved that city) - we are going to hang out again.

September 2015 - May 2015

Back in May 2015 I was confused and heartbroken after tragic relationship with The Fallen Angel (more in the next chapter) and what helped me the most was planning my trip to the United States. Me and my two girlfriends decided to visit the Big Apple - NYC - and LA for couple of weeks in September 2015. So I did quite a huge research: where to go, what to see, what to eat, where to party and etc. I even decided to walk the extra mile and to get information from the locals. As Tinder dating app was emerging in my country and I spent some time using it before, one guy from Czech Republic introduced me to the opportunity to swipe and contact with people from all over the world. So I did. After lots of chatting with New Yorkers, I got to know few that really seemed to be nice and provided me with tons of useful information.

One day I started chatting with one very intriguing guy - The American. We exchanged few texts, he seemed to be very smart, into IT and techs and was working in filmmaking, also he was quite tall and seemed good looking from the photos: black hair and green eyes - just OMG! He was also very fun and seemed to be very helpful with all his tips for New York. Also we figured it out that he is going to be in LA to work for couple of months when I will be visiting NYC, so he could not show the NYC around, but can be my guide in LA instead - WIN-WIN!

Then one day he told me that he is currently planning to have Eurotrip just by himself this summer and he is going to UK, France, to the IDM music fest in Croatia, Poland, Germany, Austria and etc. And then he decided that he can also come to visit my country - just for fun and for a week if there is a castle, parties and similar stuff over there. As I explained to him, my roommate wasn’t too happy about the idea him staying at our place, so we agreed that he’ll take Airbnb instead.

That July 2016 night he was coming to my country I was behaving so strangely. My friend came to visit me as I was scared and nervous to see American, so we decided to grab some local drinks and food in case The American would like to come over. It was raining like crazy that night and I run to the shop and slipped, I injured my palm with a glass of a broken beer bottle. Despite that my hand was bleeding like in a horror movie, I went to the date with the American.

Once I saw him, I felt huge crush. We went to the pub on Tuesday and got wasted, then came back home and started drinking with my friend and we woke up at 9:30 AM. My colleagues called me numerous times the next morning as I was late. Also my hand was aching and I was looking like shit, but took a cab and came to work. I lied to my colleagues that I injured my hand that morning by picking a glass and could not stop my hand from bleeding. They were quite scared and brought me some medicine and food from the home. But I was happy, because I finally met The American in real life.

The upcoming Saturday we went clubbing with him and two of my friends and got tons of tequila shots, before that he kissed me at home when we were having a pre-party and it was amazing. The girls decided to leave the club and we agreed that The American will bring me back home once we are done partying. Remember, my friend was against crushing our sofa and he took a bed in a hostel instead.

When we came back to my place, girls were asleep, the door was locked and the key was inside. The girls could not hear me calling, I undercharged friend’s phone by calling 1000 times. I was ready to break the door, but the American suggested renting the hotel room - the hostel that we was staying had a single bed in a shared room only. So we went to the hotel.

We made out all night and had a breakfast wearing still fancy clothes from the last night in the morning. The next day we went to for a road trip to see a castle and to took a boat. I convinced him that I want to row and he let me, it was very funny: guy relaxing in a boat while girl was rowing. But I just love to row, it is my favorite cardio exercise in the gym.

During the next week, we were like a normal dating couple: spending time after I came back home from work, having dinners, going out and having sex. The sex was normal, not mind-blowing, but I was totally mind-blown by his cheerful personality. The first 7 days were going to an end and he decided to stay one week longer, so instead 7 days, I spent two weeks with The American. During that time we took few more trips, including to the seaside, my friend joined us as well. The American even met my grandparents as they had key from their summerhouse that we were staying in. I showed my country’s old school house to the American and it was funny: we picked up carrots and strawberries, were playing with the water pipe and doing barbeque and other fun stuff. But as all nice stories, this had to end and he left back home.

We texted each other quite often at first, then he became quite strange and did not write me a lot. But still he was very nice and helpful for planning my trip to US. He gave me and my friends tons of great tips for staying in NYC. The place that we booked in LA via Airbnb was cancelled and he suggested to stay at his place. So we did. I had an amazing time in NYC in September 2016, all his tips were great, but mostly I was waiting to see him in LA. I was counting the days and I was glowing from the excitement to see him. However, I still had contacts of other guys in NYC and LA, and we met with one Tinder guy and his friend in NYC, but just for drinks in a bar and then they showed us a great speakeasy (a secret bar) - this was a great way to finish our trip in NYC.

Chapter 5

I do not know why I did not call ambulance when I saw The Fallen Angel the last time, maybe I was got used to seeing him drunk or hungover, I cannot forgive myself for that. It is just heartbreaking how stupid and stubborn I was. But we weren’t a couple anymore and I wanted just to get back to my sane self. However, after I brought him food and medicine, I came back home having very strange feeling that something terrible is going to happen. As I was leaving to Madrid the next day to meet my friends from Erasmus from Thursday to Monday, I found Fallen Angel’s sister on Facebook. I asked her to talk to him and also I wrote to his friend and asked to take care of the Fallen Angel. I explained them that he needs somebody to talk to him or just be by his side as he felt really down, sad and lonely. His friend wrote to the Fallen Angel on April 16th, 2015 (Thursday), chatted a bit, but the Fallen Angel did not reply anymore on Friday. It was our last conversation.

Once I have landed back home Monday morning (20th April, 2015) I received a message from his friend that The Fallen Angel was found dead by his housekeeper on Monday morning. He mixed painkillers with alcohol - at least that what autopsy said and he passed away from a heart attack several days before. His uncle, couple of friends, me and my friend, that was the only one that knew him in person, came to the morgue before his body was sent to Norway for the funeral. I saw him… He looked like a peaceful angel, probably calm first time in his life. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time it was relieving. At first I didn’t knew why, but then his uncle told more about is real life: The Fallen Angel was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome since his parents had divorced when he was at age 10. Since then he had phases of being super excited and creating unrealistic plans what eventually would lead him to a great depression that he tried to heal with alcohol and drugs. He was constantly mixing drugs and alcohol, and the drugs that was found in his body after autopsy was probably from epilepsia, that he wasn’t diagnosed, but his sister was. So he probably took it from her some time ago. I am still not sure if he committed suicide or it was an accident, they explained that his heart stopped, but he was only 33 years old.

His uncle, sister and friends thanked me that I made his last days happy. I am really not sure if I did. Sometimes I blame myself, but I went to a psychiatrist the next day when I found out about his death and she told me that I have to understand that he was sick before meeting me and I cannot save or change anyone, I can save myself only, so I cannot blame myself. I do not know exactly how many, but some of his stories were made up, especially the ones that consisted the present day - he actually didn’t work as freelance investment banker, he was getting income support from Norway. As my country is relatively cheap comparing to Norway, he could easily rent fancy apartment, have a housekeeper and to buy food, drinks and weed. Also his uncle explained that the Fallen Angel actually worked in Deutsche bank for some time, but was fired and it was not redundancy due to 2008 World Economic Crisis as The Fallen Angel told me. And since then he didn’t work anywhere. I also found out that he actually lived in India, but he had to be hospitalized before coming to my country. However, he decided to come to stay in my country as his friend lived there and he didn’t tell that to his family. And it was his last journey…

Almost two years passed since we talked the last time and all the emotions were hidden so deeply, but once I read some conversations in Facebook by writing this chapter, my tears were dropping the same way they did that day that I found out that he is no longer with me. I was avoiding to write this chapter at any means, because everything was too hidden and I tried to convince me that it didn’t happen, that it was just a dream and that he was a terrible person. I was crying for couple of days non-stop then, then it took couple of months to understand that he is no longer alive. Sometimes I was dreaming about him and remembering the great moments that I had with him despite that I knew him only from February until April. I never felt so many feelings for one person, I was insane and addicted to him, he made me nuts and sometimes I hated him the most. Sometimes I imagined if not his self-destruction, we could love each other forever. Then I wished that we meet in the next live, where his parents would not be divorced, he did not have bipolar and we would be happily married and have children and grandchildren. But then I am back to reality and I understand that it is impossible. However, this story helped me to grow a lot as a person, I am not perfect of course, I am never going to be, but I understand that I can overcome any obstacles that come into my life, that I am incredibly strong and I can find positivity even in the darkest place. Also I understand now that powerful love exists and that how it is hard to see the one you love dying. My mother lost my father when he was 33 years old. The Fallen Angel was 33 years old as well. All of my life I was scared that I will lose my lover as well, and I did. However, I fell and I rose again.

Rest In Peace my love, my Fallen Angel.

2015-04-20 1:52 AM

While I was sitting in a bar with my friends in Milan, I texted him planning to ask how is he doing and if he is feeling better without knowing that it’s more than two days that he passed away:

me: Hi

2015-04-16

The Fallen Angel: It was so kind of u to bring me to bring me things, not I going to call ambulance today

me: U are going to call or not?

me: Sorry I did not understand the sentence

He didn’t text me back, but I didn’t want to bother him anymore.

2015-04-15

We were still chatting for a week or so, but I didn’t go to his place although he was asking me and trying to seduce me again, until he asked me to bring some medicine:

The Fallen Angel: Sorry been unable to even type. Still.. Maybe u have time u can bring.medicine and a few. More things. Call I can't type

<...>

The Fallen Angel: Two boxes of smekta, two of paracetamol. Pills for saw through and two packets of cigarettes. Some dry biscuits. And most importantly drop by my friend. He has something for me that helps the most. And I can't get it

me: I can get food and medicine, but I do not have time to go your friend’s house

The Fallen Angel:Just go to him then. Then I can buy the rest probably later or in the morning

me: I won't

<...>

me: U can ask him to bring u weed

The Fallen Angel: He has no car. And his friends busy I asked and i cannot leave. It's a tiny tiny bit. Police wouldn't even care

me: Anyways. I am at home already

The Fallen Angel: Please I want to sleep. U drop by him and ignore the shopping

me: Sorry, I can't

The Fallen Angel: Ur scared, so cute. Some ice tea. Make sure. U get recipe

me: If u need food I can bring, ok?

The Fallen Angel: Super kind of u to come. And ice tea. When I can eat I can go to shop

<...>

me: I still believe in u, please take back control in ur hands, if not for me, then for urself. U are a wonderful person and there is so much good things and people waiting for u. And u are not alone

The Fallen Angel: I really appreciate u coming and ur words.been a little better since u left and in the afternoon

me: I am happy to hear, hope that u soon get better. I want all the best for u. And as I told before, I am not leaving u alone

2014-04-09

By being at my family’s house during Easter I understood that I do not want this toxic relationship with The Fallen Angel in my life anymore. I can only be his friend now, to help him or to bring any stuff that he needs and try to cheer him up and ask how he is doing from time to time. I came to his house as a friend, but he still tried to seduce and kiss me, had to keep all my strength to refuse. He texted me afterwards:

<...>

The Fallen Angel: You made me so happy yesterday. You made me believe that we really are good for each and not damaging each other if we can just get past a few things. Thank u with all my heart

me: u are welcome! I am happy to hear that and I hope that u feel better and are happy again :)

<...>

The Fallen Angel: Nice to know i can still get your juices flowing

me: Did I drop it somewhere? :)

The Fallen Angel: Drop what? Did u forget something?

me: Juices!

The Fallen Angel: I just mean I saw a look in ur eye and it made me very happy

The Fallen Angel: When we communicate u are everything any man could ever dream of.

me: So sweet :)

The Fallen Angel: The truth can be sometimes

2015-04-05

While I was celebrating Easter at my hometown with my family, The Fallen Angel was alone in his apartment:

The Fallen Angel: U should be naked in my bed with my dick inside u and u should be on the pill so u can feel me shoot my cum deep into ur pussy.. But hey, life sucks get a helmet

me: Oh yeah

The Fallen Angel: Wouldn't u like that? I would

me: My family is near and I am with pink cheeks now

The Fallen Angel: I suck on ur clit while we put toys inside u... Make u cum so nice. Xxx

me: U have no boundaries,haven’t u? :)))

The Fallen Angel: What are boundaries?

me: Oh u! Maybe this is why I cannot get over u. As u are bad and wild

The Fallen Angel: U should go to the bathroom and take a pic of ur pussy for me

me: Stop it

The Fallen Angel: Stop what, acting like a horney boyfriend? Who thinks ur super hot

2015-04-02

I came to his house the next day I moved out and he did not allow me in, I wanted to talk with him, but he refused, I was staying outside and called him numerous times. He opened the window and screamed at me to leave. I lied to him that I left my watch at his place, he told that he is going to send it to my work if he finds it. I was so addicted and I could not think straight at that time, my mind was crazy, exhausted, I wasn’t sleeping enough. Later on I figured it out that that day there was another girl at his place that he was planning to fuck her and I interrupted him, so he didn’t and asked her to leave. The next day I begged him to see me and we meet up and made it up. Again.... And everything repeated again:

The Fallen Angel: Ur so sexy xxx

me: Mmm says a veeery sexy guy :*

The Fallen Angel: Really someone else said too? I'm jealous

me: HahH

The Fallen Angel: Did someone joke. What is funny?

me: U being jealous for no reason is funny :)

The Fallen Angel: I'm a bit insecure, I just act like I'm not.I love u so much

me: I love u too babe :* No need for insecurity. I think that u just feel bad because of ur dates :))) And think that I can do the same

The Fallen Angel: I want to marry you one day when I sort things out with my family so I can look after u the way u deserve

me: I love u babe :* That is very nice! I do not need any special treatment,I just want u to be happy and healthy. That is the only desire that I have :*

The Fallen Angel: I know but u need a big ring and an amazing wedding, I can't afford ring now

me: I never dreamt about big wedding actually. I would rather go to on a trip to south america and do it there. But it is just me :)

The Fallen Angel: I want it to be just what u want when it happens. I have no wishes apart from wanting u to be happy

me: So amazing babe :*

The Fallen Angel: Love you silly girl

me: Smartass! :P

The Fallen Angel: ???

me: I am not silly, but a smart ass :)))

The Fallen Angel: What. U are incredibly silly, u almost ruin our relationship everyday? Do u really want to pretend ur not silly

me: yes, but u know the reason;)

2015-04-01

We were fine for a week or so, but one day I came to his place and he was drunk again, so I could not stand it and once he fall asleep I took all my stuff and left, it was the second time I moved out and I never returned living with him since. The Fallen Angel tried to call me, but I didn’t answer. So he texted me the next day:

The Fallen Angel: I'm sorry u left yesterday and made me feel like shit AGAIN for a whole night. Sorry but it's not good enough. I can't be in a toxic relationship sorry. I wish u well in your life, u have so many amazing qualities.

me: If it is a thing that u want,I cannot do anything. I still love u. And u are amazing person as well. I hope that it will be better for both of us. Because now I feel happy and myself again. As I did not for few weeks. I still love u with all my heart and if u decide to change one day,I am letting u back again. My feelings did not disappear and is not going to disappear nowhere

<...>

me: But if it is stronger desire to drink than us, I cannot do anything about it. I tried and believed in us, and still believe, but I want u to show me that u can

The Fallen Angel: U make me drink, since I met u I drink way more as every night u make me feel like shit

me: I did not know that. And I am sorry for that

The Fallen Angel: I can but not for someone who hurts me all the time

me: It hurts me - the drinking. It is a cycle and we have to make it over, and I needed to leave home just to do that

The Fallen Angel: Leave me alone please and tell me u will leave my only friend here alone too

March, 2015

First it seemed to be a fairytale, my friends could not understand what is wrong with me and if I am high all the time. I really cannot imagine how I went to the work, what was going in my mind, but I was so crazy about him. When I was at work he always texted me that he missed me and he wants to do dirty stuff to me. He did not want to go to sleep early so he was staying most of the time in the living room, while I was asleep and then around 3-4 in the morning he would come and started to have sex with me while I was asleep. I really liked all this strange behaviour, I was not thinking with my mind then, but I felt very sexy and happy. However, I started noticing that he is always drunk, I started to skip some drinks and noticed that he always pours him some vodka and he is never sober. I started to tell him that he should drink less, he was ignoring that at first, but then he got very angry and me and I thought that he is going to punch me or do something to hurt me. But then he didn’t and I was calm again. His health started to get worse, he did not want to go anywhere, I got upset always staying at his place, I saw that he never works and just watches movies, but despite that he asked me to move in. I was not sure, but I took half of my stuff and came to him. But I saw his health and mood were getting worse and worse. I could not party each night and could not have sex every time he wanted as I needed to go to the work the next day, I started to want a healthy and calm life and he was not happy about that.

At the same time he told that he wants not only to live with me, but also to get married and then live happily ever after… somehow. I asked him to change his behaviour, to stop drinking as it has a terrible impact on his health, I even told a story about my mother being alcoholic, but it did not stop him. So I took all my stuff and move out. He called me constantly and asked to come back. I didn’t know what to do as I thought that I loved him so much and I am not going to love anyone else that much. I was still crazily addicted to him, but I could not stand his drinking and just not having any boundaries. He even came to the bathroom while I was taking a shower and was pooping in front of me - ewww!!! How disgusting is that? I told him that he has to change if he wants to be with me. At the same time his health was getting worse and worse, he was vomiting constantly and wasn’t eating anything, just drinking.

Despite that I moved in again as I hoped that I can change him - how naive I was back then. Things didn’t get any better, also I met his friends couple and I found out that the girl wanted to have sex with him while her boyfriend (and Fallen Angel’s good friend) was asleep in the same room. Thank God that this happened before we met as I would get nuts. But as they were the closest friends of his in my country, I did everything to start liking that girl and I became kind of friends with her as I wanted to stay with the Fallen Angel and I was in love with him. My birthday was coming and I also invited them to come, just because the Fallen Angel asked me, he didn’t want to feel lonely by knowing only one friend of mine.

Sometimes he was just loosing his temper out of nowhere, so I could never expect what is going to be his mood next. Also the morning of my birthday I woke up and saw him sitting in front of computer with a beer in his hand, then he scared me by coming to the bathroom while I was getting ready in the morning of my birthday and I did not get any flowers or another present from him and we had a huge fight that morning. He apologised, promised to change, but then he didn’t come to my birthday party next weekend. I called him numerous time, but he did not answer and he even texted to his friends not to come. If they would come, he promised never talk with them anymore. But they still came and he didn’t like it, but the next day despite me being terribly angry at him he apologised and convinced me to start everything over:

The Fallen Angel: I'm am sorry. I have wonderful ideas for ur birthday. But they will never happen unless u are kind to me. I love u and want to look after u today. Please let me. I still love you very much

Mid-February 2015:

For my biggest surprise The Fallen Angel texted me the next day after our first day and we met again. Somehow we ended at his place again and then we had sex, this time I could not wait any longer due to the biggest passion that I ever felt in my life. He was an extremely good kisser and a master of persuasion. The sex was very tender and soft, and somehow I really trusted him although I was scared at the same time. That couple of weeks I came to his place and he introduced me to sexual activities that I was not familiar with before: vibrator, bondage, masturbating in front of him, coming into my mouth and playing different characters. He even convinced me that we should not use condoms - I was always against that and told to all my friends that it is a biggest nonsense. He tried to convince me to have anal with him, but I did not agreed as it was too much for me. Moreover, he asked me to start taking contraceptives for him to be able to come inside of me, but I also refused. I also was coming during lunch to his apartment to have sex with him and then went back to work all satisfied. We were having sex numerous times, and I even had to take pills to stop pain in my belly. I felt addicted to the Fallen Angel. We were drunk most of the time as he suggested always having a drink, we smoked in the bed after the sex, also he was sweet in the mornings by making me breakfast. Once we were so high that we told that we love each other.

Beginning of February 2015

One day when I was expecting the least, I saw The Fallen Angel again on Tinder - it was probably a month after our first encounter and then we started to communicate again. I was extremely happy and I knew that now I won’t forgive myself if I miss this chance. So we talked a bit and I we agreed to go on a date despite it being a working day. I met him in the old town and at the same moment I felt a huge vibe, we went to a cozy lounge to grab some old school drinks. We were sitting in front of the fireplace, it was so romantic and he told lots of interesting stories.

He always told me so much about his adventures and I was fascinated with all his life: he grew up in London, then after his parents divorced he moved to Norway, spent some time there, then went to study in a boarding school in London again, then back to Norway again and worked as financial broker for Deutsche Bank in London, had lots of trips and parties. We told me the stories how they were going for a weekend to party in New York just for fun. He was also dating an Ukrainian girl who’s dad was an oligarch. But one day they broke up and he went to India to live for couple of months. After that he decided to come to my country as he had a friend that studied with him in Norway that was from my country, so he just moved here for no specific reason. As he explained me, he was a freelancer now and was working with the investments.

At some point he stared at me for a second and kissed me, it was amazing, I was feeling like on drugs or just poisoned, I cannot explain it. He convinced me to come to his place despite that I told him that I am not a promiscuous girl and I am not going to have sex with him, especially during the first date. We didn’t have sex, but he masturbated me and it was amazing, but at the same time I told him that I was very scared that he is not going to call me the next day, but he told me that he is definitely going to do that.

End of January 2015:

As you will see in the next chapter, the beginning of 2015 was quite crazy and I was a complete mess back then. I was quite confused in my love life at that time and I was behaving promiscuous as I did not care about anything too much. However, at the same time I was feeling lonely and searching for someone special. Eventually I met him, but the ending was tragical. The most unexpected part was that there was a real tragedy. At some day in January, 2015 I saw his profile on Tinder and it constantly draw my attention, he seemed to be good looking, tall, interesting and foreign. At that time I was fed up dating local guys as they seemed to be too cocky and just bastards. So I swiped him, he swiped me, I don’t remember what was our conversation about, but we had a very nice chat and I was willing to go on a date with him. But then… he disappeared. So I was thinking maybe I did something wrong or etc. I kept searching for him on Tinder, but there were no tracks left of him, then I deleted and installed the app again, but still could not find him, but somehow I was strangely attracted to him and thinking about him all the time. He came to my country from Norway quite recently and was half-norwegian and half-british and there was something magical about him, I cannot even explain it until now.

Chapter 6

2015-01-29

I am feeling fine, but the Mr. Self-Confidence didn’t text me today We have been to fives dates now. He kissed me during the fourth one. However, it’s his problem if he is not texting me. I am feeling fantastic in the meantime, despite the fact that last 10 days were crazy: I got into argument with my landlord, I had a huge flood in my apartment and the water were coming down through my floor to neighbors ceiling, then the construction workers of another neighbor drill a hole in my bathroom (what an accident, maybe they were hoping to check me out while I was in the shower). I also had to fails with Mr. Self-Confidence. This Sunday I went on a date with another guy and I wanted to let my friend know that I arrived safely and I am waiting him, but accidentally I texted to Mr. Self-Confidence. Then I had to lie to Mr. Self-Confidence that I it was a bad joke and I asked him to meet me up.

The second fail was when “Mr. Self-Confidence” and I were standing next to the movie theatre and my mother called. She asked what I was doing, and I told that i am going to see the movie. When she asked with whom, I pretended that I didn’t heard her question and tried to switch the topic and I was saying “yes, yes” instead. I didn’t want him to know that I told my mother about him. But she was shouting: “So now you are meeting “Mr. Self-Confidence”so often now?”. He was laughing, so probably he heard this awkward conversation. But then he was strange in the movies, he didn’t touch me or kiss me. And by saying goodbye he kissed me unwillingly,.

And I never heard from him again.

2015-01-17

This saturday I went on a Tinder date as regular. He is working in IT company and he is a team lead, 28 years old, talkative, self-confident, sporty. We talked for several hours what was a surprise to me as due to my recent dating habits, I had short 30-60 minute length dates mostly as I got bored usually.

Mr. Self-Confidence texted me the next day and told that yesterday was only a repetition before the real date, and today we are having the real date. We went to the lake at night at it was beautiful to see the frozen lake. He took my hand on the way that I wouldn’t slip - what a perfect excuse. Then we went to the restaurant and kept talking for hours. He was extremely interesting to talk to, as despite being young, he had lots of experience, various jobs and lived abroad. The best thing was that I could feel myself with him and I didn’t need to pretend to be different person. And was smiling without any struggle, he was initiative and manly. He never let me to pay and told that it is a nonsense for a girl to pay during the date. Also Mr. Self-Confidence is eating extremely healthy, almost never drinks, exercise on a daily basis, has a great sense of humour and he is very manly.

2015-01-11

I wrote a note for myself into diary: I will never text the guy first, to answer only 10 minutes or later, sometimes even a day after. I have to take control back in my hands and to play with the guys. I have to be relaxed, it only works then. And I am going to lots of dates until I will find the right one. I will give my attention equally to all guys, despite if there is one that I like more. I will be relaxed, friendly and calm, but I won’t forget humour and sometimes to make fun out of the guy. Otherwise the guy can become too cocky and self-confident.

However, I am glad that I started to go random dates as it gives me a bit more of self-esteem. I am not sure where and why I lost it.

No! Stop the negativity! Start thinking positively: I am a great woman, I love myself! I am perfect, amazing, magical, fantastic, smart, beautiful, talented, successful, I am doing great both at work and personal life! I am walking straight and smiling! I get everything I want, all my dreams come true.

2015-01-08

I am feeling depressed that I don’t have a boyfriend. I was hoping that by now I will have one. I really, really want to wake up next to the same person, to kiss his eyebrows, sometimes to make the omelet and to make love on the kitchen table. I am sure that it’s time for that now! More than two years I was having fun. I want to get serious, to love and to be loved. I don’t even more care about the criterias that I listed previously. I just need the attraction to that person, to have fun with him and that i would feel extremely happy with him. I want to love and to be loved! I want to sleep by holding hands. To make love until the sunrise, and to smile wildly once I receive his text. I want to roll in the sand with him and to touch each other’s most secret parts while swimming in the sea. The guy has to be: tall, charismatic, to know what he wants, manly, sporty and persistent.

I told the story about the Sexy Chef to The Teacher. The Teacher was living abroad and I have met him one day he was having a road trip and stayed in my country for half a day. I saw him on Tinder, swiped “yes”, as he looked like jewish - and I never dated jewish guy before, so I was thinking let’s give it a try. Then he insisted meeting me and we met, we walked several blocks and he looked very fun and intelligent. Once we met his friend that The Teacher was travelling with, he got a bit confused and not as talkative as before. I found out that he was Turkish and lived in Germany for several years, he worked at his father’s company and was doing pretty well, travelled all around the world and was extremely educated, he even knows Mandarin!

At that time I was going to dates randomly, as I live in the old town and to go to the date for me was the same as going for groceries. I would put make-up, straighten my hair, dress up and just go. I was a bit lonely as I never lived alone before, so it was good way to talk to people. Sometimes I went to several dates at the same day. I never met the same guys usually as I wasn’t interesting in serious commitment, I wanted just to meet people for a coffee or so. So The Teacher was one of those people. However, he came to my country several times later on, but we were more friends with benefits than real couple. I also went to visit him in Germany and we had a road trip. At that time we were trying to see if maybe we could become a couple, but understood that it’s not going to work and we just remained friends. We were too similar with The Teacher: both hot tempered and could make scenes out of the blue. He blocked me several times and then wrote as nothing happened several days later.

I was also concerned about his religion, he wasn’t praying every day, but he kept this option open when he becomes older. So he wasn’t an atheist, but also not a currently practicing Islam. And it bothered me. To be sincere, my country is not as international, and people with other religions, especially the ones from the Middle East weren’t too welcome. The terrorist attacks were also emerging, so I didn’t want to become a topic of discussions between my coworkers and friends.

However, what I valued the most, The Teacher was extremely smart and he was happy to share his wisdom. He was actually even persisting on telling me how I should live if I wanted to have a serious relationships. So after I told him about the Sexy Chef, he gave me some instructions how to behave with men:

Never reply to often. I love that you do that to me, but don't reply to another guys, they will think that you are desperately seeking for their attention.

Never text him first. Only if it is very important.

Smile more. You are beautiful, but there is sadness in your eyes, the smile could distract attention from your smile.

Stand still

Don't be too honest, especially with the people you just met. Guys like secrets.

Date several guys at one time, as I see that one guys is not enough for you and you need more attention than usually one guy can provide to you.

You have to attract his attention and to intrigue

But never look desperate for his attention and in general for relationships.

If you show too much attention, the guys start to think that there is something strange with you, that you are awkward and maybe nobody wants you

Guys have to seek you attention and to compete for you

2015-01-07

Dreams come true! The things that I wrote a year ago - happened! I am working in a new company and I love it! I am living alone in the old town! I have my driving licence and bought a car! I had amazing vacation with my girls in Malta! I also went on a roadtrip with “The Teacher”: we visited Italy, Switzerland, Germany! The summer was amazing - it was like I am having vacation all the time! The New Year’s Eve was the most fun in my life! My girlfriends gathered at my place, we had some martinis and went to see the fireworks in the city centre, then we went to the club to dance and met cute couple: they weren’t dating, only past co-workers, I was flirting and made out with one foreign guy, and we met two guys that were from my hometown, but I didn’t know them previously. After the club was closed, my friends, the couple, foreign guy and two guys from my hometown came back to my place for the afterparty! It was very fun! Then we went for a brunch with those two guys and thought that we will get kicked out of the bar for laughing too loudly.

The next day I have met some other girlfriends and the couple from the NYE and we went to a bar for some drinks, we ended at the club and I met devilishly sexy guy - The Sexy Chef. However, he was totally wasted. He tried to approach me several times, I told him that he needs to get sober first and I was almost getting the security, that he would stop touching me. And was telling me that I am going to be his tonight. I told him that I am on my period, so I won’t.

But something happened in my head - maybe it was alcohol or I didn’t want to miss a chance to make out with such hot guy - when he was finally walking away, probably to approach another girl, I took his hand and we started dancing and make-out. Me, The Sexy Chef, my friend and one more guy came back to my place for the after party. Then they left and I was making out with The Sexy Chef for hours until we fall asleep.

The next day I had a movie evening arranged at my place, I left The Sexy Chef to sleep, despite that I was still totally wasted as well. I took a shower, went to the shop for some drinks and food for my party. Once I got back The Sexy Chef wasn’t sure how he ended at my place, but he was still damn cute! As he explained me he was a chef and he came back to my country to visit his brother, and got totally wasted last night. His brother left with The Sexy Chef’s phone and wallet. He didn’t actually was sure what was his brothers address, but once he explained me, I knew the place as it was in front of my work. So I ordered the taxi and went together with him, as he insisted to give back the money for the taxi. And he did.

Once my friends came for a movie night he was texting me constantly. I don’t even payed too much attention to my friends cousin that I made out couple weeks ago. However, once everybody left, I took the taxi and went to Sexy Chef’s brother place as he asked to meet me and to grab some sushi to go. I have met his brother and brother's girlfriends, they seemed nice, but I was interested more in making out with The Sexy Chef. So we decided come back to my place, we watched a movie, made out again, but I still refused having sex with him. My lips were triple the size from the kissing. He sometimes looked very manly, but sometimes very naive. I thought that it was my dream guy at that minute, and it was two of the most beautiful days of my life.

The next day I texted him, but he didn’t reply.

2014-03-02

It was several months from my last entry. Several weeks ago I broke up with The Left (L)over that I have dated since July. Everything was smooth at first: we talked until 6AM, we were making love all the time and had lots of plans. Then his ex showed up, he lost his job, I got into argument with his mother and she thought that I am gold digger. We were hoping that everything will eventually work out and maybe he will even move to another city, but it didn’t happen. He couldn’t pass his driving licence, I could not fit into his friend's company, it was very awkward and we had lots of fights. I didn’t like the smell of The Left (L)over’s cat, the huge mess at his home, his dandruff, his toenail, that he was too skinny. It didn’t take long until he didn’t attracted me physically anymore and even his presence was bothering me, I didn’t like his failures and his weakness.

I was also scared that he was rushing into the relationship (we even started to talk about the marriage), and that his words and actions did not match. He was lying quite often and he liked to show things better than they really were, he was lazy and he was whining all the time, he had negative energy. He was throwing words that he loves me all the time and said other nice things without measuring the importance of them. The Left (L)over became monotonous in bed and he could not erect, but pretended that he did. It was a great lesson to know what kind of man I don’t want in my life and to know what I am really looking for. I am grateful for this opportunity to see what husband and relationship I don’t want to.

Then I convinced myself that my future man would know what he is saying. He tells things in a strong manner. He knows how to match his career and relationships, and he is sure that both things are necessary. He is strong and I can rely on him. He helps me out and I can learn from him, he is brave in stressful situations and he takes the initiative into his hands. He is aware about his hygiene and he respects another person by being clean and neat. His family and friends are loving and they invite me into their cycle without prejudices. He knows that a real man has to make a career, to have a car and his own home. He is aware of his health: he eats well, exercise and think positively and encourage me to do the same. He is strong and tall. He understands that a man has to pay for a woman while they are out. He brings gifts not only during holidays, but also without any reason. He is smart and intelligent, and he has an experience that he can share with me. In every situation he helps me and tells me what to do. He is happy to see me happy. He can deal with his social life and romantic moments perfectly. He has hobbies and goals. He never stops. He understands that trust and devotion are the foundation of relationship and it relies on it. He likes to travel, but at the same time he is good with his finances, he knows that he has to save for his home and marriage. He is initiate, strong at work and he does great. He is my man, he loves and I love him.

The Left (L)over wasn’t all that, so we broke up.

2013-12-14

I am back to the self-analysis, I was lost in the fog again. 5 months passed since I wrote last time and there were various events during that time. I took some vacation in the middle of July and went to the seaside with my friend. We rented a small room next to the beach and our main concern was to get tanned and go clubbing. At first we were only two of us in the club, but out of sudden my friend’s crush decided to come from her hometown and he brought a friend. I didn’t like the friend and it was quite boring with them, so when they decided to leave to another club, I told that I will stay here alone for few songs as I felt safe going home back alone. My friend and those two guys left and I was alone in the club. For the first time in my life.

It was strange and awkward at first, but then I went for a smoke, took one more drink and got back to the dance floor and just gave myself to the music. After an hour or so, the The Left (L)over showed up. He was from another city, very tall, dark haired, he dance well and had a spark in his eyes. Or maybe it just looked like that as I was quite drunk already. We danced for couple of hours, took some drinks and smoke until the club was closed. Then he suggested to see the sun rise in the beach and I didn’t argue much. I was perfectly aware that how this could end, but I just went with the flow. And yes, we had sex in the beach. The people could clearly see us, but I didn’t care, I haven’t felt such strong passion before.

Afterwards he brought me home and after couple of hours of sleep I told everything to my friend. She could not believe her ears and laughed a lot. I was 100% sure that it’s the first and last time I met that guy. Noone dates bad girls I thought. But I was wrong and he called me the same day and asked to meet up. I was having lunch with my friend and that time and we agreed to meet up at the club later on. Before I met him again, we took some drinks with my friend, danced a lot and flirted with the guys. My friend got interested in a basketball player. So once The Left (L)over showed up, she was not left alone. However, I didn’t felt as relaxed as the previous night. The Left (L)over also could see that and asked if I’m alright. My friends stayed with the basketball player in the club, and the The Left (L)over brought me home as I felt tired.

The next day we left the seaside and I went to see my family in my hometime to enjoy some more free time. I was reading books and getting tan. At the end of my vacation The Left (L)over texted me and he suggested to meet me the next weekend as he had some errands to run in my city. He also asked for my Facebook. I got impression that The Left (L)over was initiative, manly, sweet talker and self-confident man. He called me “beautiful” often and this made me think that he is a womanizer and not serious.

At first I wasn’t worried about meeting him, but once The Left (L)over told me that his brother and his girlfriend will join I got shocked a bit. My hands were shaking once I met him, but he took my hand while we were walking and I felt much better. I was also nicely surprised about his gesture as e.g The Geek didn’t take my hand while dating for several months (more about him in the upcoming chapter).

I was talking mostly with The Left (L)over and his brother, and the girl was observing me mostly. They seemed to be fun guys and I felt cozy with them. Then we decided to go to the club and danced a lot. Until me and The Left (L)over got too touchy and the brother with his girlfriend left. Before leaving he asked The Left (L)over if he is coming together and he told that no. However, the next day The Left (L)over had to go to the weddings of his friend, but he stayed at my place until late morning. We were having sex for hours, I don’t think that it ever lasted that long before.

Once we sat down to my table to check the laptop when the train to the weddings is leaving and I hugged him from the back and it was like the lightning struck into me. I felt something again. And it was so sweet and calm. It was a magic moment that I haven’t felt for a long time. I even got scared a bit.

He left, but he forgot to logout of his Facebook and I couldn’t resist if he talked something about about me with his friends. So I used search option in the messages and found something. I saw that he wrote to his friend about the sex in the beach and he told that it was his best weekend ever. Also he told some spicy details about me: a girl with small breasts, very skinny having completely waxed small vagina.

One week later he came to visit me again. We went for some drinks and talked about everything until that moment when he told me that he wants to get serious with me. I got extremely scared and drank few glasses of wine at once. I told him all about my ex, that I have dated for fours years (The Good Guy Gone Bad), about myself, that I dated other guys now as well. The Left (L)over told me the next day that while we were leaving the bar, I told him that I love him. But I don’t remember that as I was totally wasted. I think that he lies and I have never blacked out before.

The next weekend I had to go to the festival with my friends. The Left (L)over also decided to come there. However, I did not asked him to join us or to have his tent nearby. Once I met The Left (L)over in the festival, I didn’t like him, and I didn’t like his friend, who looked like a complete loser to me. So I just hanged out with my friends instead. The same day I also met friend for university dorm that I haven’t seen for couple of years and we hanged out with her all day long. It was very fun and I didn't want The Left (L)over to interrupt us, so I switched my phone off and lied to him that it’ battery run down. That night I kissed two guys next to the stage while dancing during one of the performances performing, and once my long lost friend invited to join her friends company, I kissed two more guys over there. The same night once I got back to the tent I made out with my friend’s boyfriend’s friend: he came to my tent and I was asking him to leave, but then decided to give it a try, but after make out session I asked him to leave. The next day the boyfriend of my girlfriend was really mad at him - that he used an innocent girl. The friend didn’t know and saw that I was making out with four more random guys at that festival and I didn't brag about it as well. So basically I kissed six guys that night, including The Left (L)over.

However, The Left (L)over was still waiting for my answer about out relationship status and I agreed to date only him. I had tons of work back then and The Left (L)over just got his new job and invited me to come his new company’s party. He was too touchy and too controlling there so I made a scene that he should give be at least some space. But then I felt sorry for him and gave him the first blow-job that he was very happy about of course, despite that it was his work party.

Then his ex showed up and started commenting on his every post and to write him long messages how stupid she was and that she made the biggest mistake in her life. I got jealous and told The Left (L)over to stop talking with her as I wasn’t happy about that. Then he kicked her out of his Facebook friends and told me all their story. He lived with her for four years, they were engaged and were planning to get married this autumn. However, she was having affair with another guy in London, broke up with The Left (L)over and moved there afterwards. The worst part was that she broke up with The Left (L)over the next day his father died from cancer. Also he told me that they broke up couple of months before he met me and I was the first girl after her that he had serious relationship with.

A several months later he told me that he loves me. I was very hesitant to tell him that I do love him too - as I wasn’t sure about it - but it was his birthday and I didn’t want to screw it up. Since then he became more filthy, he grabbed my hair while we were having sex and hold my neck, but I didn't mind it. He was also looking raunchily to me while we were having sex. At first it was a bit disturbing, but then I got used to that.

Regarding other guys that I have dated when I met The Left (L)over: The Smiley Dude disappeared and The Russian texted to me few times, but once he saw my and The Left (L)over he got a bit angry at me. I told The Russian that it was his fault that he didn’t take matters into his hands and didn’t take the initiative and ask me to date with exclusively. He replied that he does not want to interupt me now as I already chosen which one to date and it is better for me to date a guy that is the same nationality as I am.

I visited The Left (L)over several times in his hometown and his mother made a scene the second time. She was angry at The Left (L)over that he does not fix the electricity and she insisted that he will take me to the bus stop and come back home in 5 minutes. He didn’t do that and went to show me the city around instead as we agreed previously. Once I left home, his mother locked the doors and did not allow him to come home, so he slept at his friend's house. He was already thinking about moving into my city, but this encouraged him even more. Then we started to discuss living together and I told The Left (L)over that I do not want to live with a guy unless I am engaged and he agreed with me.

The next day he had a fight with his mother, he was fired. He started to search for the new one, but it wasn’t successful and it still continues up to now. I am very stress out about that. I also started to search for another job, as I think that I achieved everything that I could in my current position and there are no more options to climb career ladder for several years at least.

2013-07-01

Everything is getting hot in here: yesterday The Smiley Dude did me a favor and came to see me with a rose and asked to come outside. On Sunday I went with The Russian to art gallery and to asian restaurant. On Monday I was making out and drinking wine with The Smiley Dude in the park. I was really wet then, I would even want to sleep with him. As I came back home I saw a text from The Russian asked about my plans next weekend. He has such beautiful eyes and once I touched him accidentally while in the art gallery, I felt vibes going through my body. If I am meeting him this weekend I will take him to more intimate place and I’ll kiss him. I don’t even know which one I like more. I can see long-lasting relations with The Russian, he has great education and great job, a car, he’s living alone and he is not going out too often with his friends, even according to the zodiac we are a great match.

On contrary, The Smiley Dude is very fun to be with and we have lots of in common: same sense of humor, I can be goofy around him and he is a great kisser and very passionate. It feels more like a love affair, and I could not see myself with him in a serious commitment. Also he didn’t finish his studies, he’s job is nothing special, he doesn’t earn a lot, he doesn’t have a car, and he is renting an apartment with his friends. But I am starting to get used to his kisses and I want more…

Very naughty girl - who who would ever think that I would date two guys at once and I will get into love triangle. Maybe I will choose somehow, but for at least a month I will have fun: I will spend workdays with The Smiley Dude and I will meet The Russian during weekends. Then in middle of August or early September I will see what they have to offer and how they see our relationship. Now I am single and independent, so I can choose whatever I want.

2013-06-15

Despite what’s going to happen next, I am sure that I am ready to welcome love in my heart and to fall in love again. I don’t know if it is going to be The Russian or The Smiley Dude, maybe the person that I don’t know yet. But I know that it will be pleasant and lovely moments… I wish myself true and real love without getting hurt, without jealousy, angriness and other negatives spices. As I learned to love myself, I am ready to open for somebody else.

2013-06-03

When did I became so cynical and rotten that I started to assess people as things without any interest in them? Did the breakups effected me that way? I am not that empty person, I don’t care about how many guys are fascinated about me, I value true feelings. That’s way I don’t feel anything to anybody I meet, they text me and I don’t care, If they don’t text and don’t ask me out I don’t care either. I didn’t like The Geek as much as I thought at first - it was a matter of importance to get a boyfriend the next day I broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad. I needed to show everyone that I am fine after breaking up with a boyfriend after 4 years.

By going to the dates I was only running from the reality and just wanted to win the prize. I think that those guys I were dating in past months felt that and knew deep down that there are no sincere feelings from my side. I am not that heartless bitch. But I have been hurt so many times and I am just afraid to pick up what’s left of my heart.

My mother was drinking non-stop for past two weeks, nobody stopped her and I didn’t felt anything to her. I felt empty. In general, I feel a bit dead inside, and it shouldn't be like that. It’s not the numbers of views and likes of my dating website account what matters. The real feelings are what is important. The person being interesting and having affection for him is what matters. But my actions were contrary, I was trying to get attention from any guy in the club, even without looking or talking to him.

I am not that empty as I tried to convince the world for the past months. My co-workers started to say that I am cocky and unfriendly. And I have noticed that I am always going from one extreme to another: I am either too sensitive, or too harsh. I cannot stay that way, I have to find the middle and I should accommodate to the situation. A person needs to be insensitive from time to time, but not by all means and everyday, and sometimes he needs to show the sensitive side. Of course I don’t need to tell all my secrets to every person I meet. However, i cannot pretend amongst my friends and family that I don’t care about them, that I don’t need my family, my mother, and guys are just socks that I change every day.

I have to make my priorities straight. Otherwise at the end of my life I will be as Samantha from “The Sex and City” with my vibrator and memories about the dicks that I have conquered. Where did the romance, true feelings, heartbeating, butterflies go? Did love die and was buried with all relationships that I had? Or maybe I haven’t felt the true love ever? I am feeling confused and dirty, I don’t recognize myself, I’ve lost my real face.

Of course by living superficial life I am safe, nobody can hurt me, but fuck it! To is live it to breath, to breath means to take life with full hands and to see half filled glass, not the half empty. I am going to walk with my eyes wide open, I don’t want to keep myself from the sun. Hey life, my heart is open for you! Despite the possibility of getting hurt again, I can cope with it, as I already did. If you don’t risk, you don’t drink champagne. And I like the bubbles.

2015-05-23

If someone as perfect as me can exist, there should be a guy as awesome. Is it a bad assumption? If I can’t find this kind of person at the moment, I have no interest in hanging out with anyone. I have tried that and I just wasted my time. I am going to live for myself only and the way I like it, and no matter what others tell, especially no matter what guys tell me. I don’t see a point in losing my independence for a relationship if the person isn’t worthy. All guys em… are useless. And I made a huge project to find the perfect one, but nobody showed up. And I’m just bored now.

2013-05-11

Fuck it! There are no normal guys out there. The ones that are interested in me are freaks and the normal ones are not interested in me for some reason! I even started to think that I have this sign on my forehead: “Desperately needs a man”. I want to stop thinking about guys entirely, screw them all! I have to do other things, tomorrow I am going to the gym, and if my neck hurts - at least to the swimming pool.

2013-05-09

Men, men, men and love affairs: I am still active in the dating website, I am talking to various guys, and I choosing them according to my criterias: not shorter than 1.82m, with higher education, literate, not a Casanova or pussy hunter, interesting to talk to, having a great job, living alone or with friends, aquarius, aries, gemini, sagittarius, leo, libra or pisces, 24-32 years old, not a gangster, and he should know what he wants from his life and he gets that.

The quantity not always mean quality. However, I start getting addicted to the attention, I want to have more and more views for my photos, I want more messages, even from the guys that do not fall into my categories. However, I never looked that good as now: my hair is longer, I am slim, I exercise often, I healed my face from acne by going to the cosmetologist, my nails look amazing with gel lacquer, I have money for better clothes, I don’t eat too much sweets, drink less of alcohol and smoke less. I am smarter and wiser than before and I have experience in various life events. I think that I am just a perfect woman now.

2013-05-01

I have met with his guy and he looked better than in his photos: he was tall, stylish, blond, slim, 29 years old. He took me to the restaurant and we talked about everything: work (maybe too much), hobbies, life and relationship. He told me that he works in international company and sometimes goes on business trips. He lives alone, he doesn’t own a car, but uses taxi or his parent's car instead, but plans to buy one. He had very interesting mimics: while I was talking he was always raising one of his brows. While he was studying he attended chorus and now he is learning to conduct. His debut was just after our date.

However, I felt not good enough for him, it seemed that he bragged all the time. Damn it! But what did you achieve when you were my age - 24 years old?! He is travelling a lot, skiing, attending various courses, sailing included. He got my attention with all these fantastic details, but now I think that he only wanted to show of. Contrary to him, I was simple and cute, the way I am in real life and I was not ashamed about it. Also I didn’t like when he called my city a village - maybe it is small, but it’s not a village, you moron! The girls are the prettiest there and the city is astonishing! He asked me if I want a rich husband and a house and to his surprise I answered that my main goal is work at the moment. Once I asked about his own goals, he could not articulate them clearly, he mumbled something similar as I did. Once he asked me why I registered to the dating website, I told him that it is an easier way to meet new people with similar interests then start talking with someone in the street.

Afterwards I met my ex’s friend as he studied the same subject as I did and he asked for some help on his thesis. Once he asked me how I am doing, I told him that I am extremely happy that I broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad, going on various dates now, party and I don’t understand why I didn’t break up with The Good Guy Gone Bad earlier. The friend told me that The Good Guy Gone Bad became another person after our break up and he doesn’t like it much, I didn’t asked why.

The next day I went to my friend’s birthday: of course it ended in the club as became a recent tradition of mine. At first I was serious, but then I got bored talking with girls and started to flirting with guys. In few minutes one grabbed my arm and we started dancing, drinking and kissing. I told him lots of compliments and I was moving provocatively what was making him to feel uncomfortable, he asked me to stop few times, but his eyes were asking to continue. So I did. Once I got tired and decided to go home, he suggested to bring me home and invited his friend to share the cab. However, his friend was a douchebag and told me terrible things. Once the taxi stopped, the guy from the club kissed me and asked my number. The next day he texted me and thanked for the evening. And didn’t text me again. But I wasn’t insulted or hurt, he wasn’t my type and I don’t need a relationship that would start as silly as this one.

Several days later I started chatting with another guy, he looked older in photos than in real life. His eyes looked kind and good, he was polite and nice, and this made the date really easy. I met him in the lobby of the cinema, he asked me if I liked basketball. And I told yes. Then he asked me to guess what is on his desktop, and I told that probably Kobe Bryant. He was shocked and asked how did I knew - I told that he’s the best. He was impressed. Then he asked what music I listen to, I told that mostly electro, downtempo, sometimes I listen to hip-hop, soul and r&b. Also that I usually went to hip hop parts in my hometown. And once the song “Low” was in the air, the party started. However, I told that it’s not the best example of hip-hop as it is more pop song. But he contradicted that no, because everyone loved game “The Need For Speed” game at the time and this song was one of the soundtracks. I told him that I played that game in my teenage days and he asked me what wrong happened to me these days and why did I changed? I laughed and told that I moved to another city.

He seemed to be knowing what he wants from life as he sent his CV to his dream company and once he didn’t get any reply, he just called the CEO. He got the job after the interview.

After our first date, he texted me every day and once he told me that he is probably silly, but he likes me. I told him that I don’t think that it’s silly and I am very glad to hear. I never got any messages from him afterwards.2`

Maybe he was expecting for another answer. Probably…

2013-04-21

Promise to myself: don’t have serious relationship with anybody until I am completely sure about feelings for that person. Other than that - short lived romances, without any attachment or emotions.

I have to live for myself, the way I like and to be with people that I am interested in.

I have to live healthy life, to get a six pack until end of the summer, to weight 61-60 kg, to exercise every single day, reduce drinking and smoking, eat less sweets, cookies, milk products and drink less coffee. I have to avoid stress and sleep 8 hours a night and to go sleep at 11 PM. I want to be healthy, be satisfied with my life, and other that that should go to hell! I am going to do well at work, to exercise, read books, meet my friends, the guys should be only additives to my perfect life.

Chapter 7

2013-04-15

I haven’t talked with The Geek since the last meeting and the next day I saw how he liked a dating website in Facebook. I felt better that we made things clear. The worst part was my dreams: I have dreamt that he wrote me a letter saying that he loves me and he wants to be with me, because he cannot stand being without me, he needs to see me. But then I woke up and understood that it’s only a dream. It hurt a bit, but I am getting over him, I don’t want a man like The Geek.

2013-04-09

After I said goodbye to The Geek, I went to the club with my friends, we were dancing, drinking cuba libre, smoking. Once I finished my first cuba libre I went for a second one to the bar and I saw one guy standing next to the bar. I could not see him very well as he was looking to another direction and I took several strong cocktails before coming to the club. So I tried to accidentally touch him while dancing, he noticed that and suggested to get me a drink. Then we started to dance and kiss. And then I took him home. We were having sex from 4 to 11 AM, maybe 7 times, I fell asleep few times, but he still wanted to do it again and again. It’s like he was onto drugs or something. I thought that it was the best sex in my life: hot, various positions and aggressive. Once I got a little bit more sober, I told him that I have lots of work to do and asked him to leave. It was my first one night stand ever.

He texted me the day after and we exchanged Facebook contacts as I could not remember his face. He was okey from the photos, but I wasn’t impressed with the studies he finished and with his work. He seemed like a regular guy, at least he was fit. On my way to the work the next day, I felt very strange feeling between my legs. It was like something was stuck there or I had a huge abdominal bloating. Once I reached the office, I went to the bathroom and looked into my panties.

It was a condom there staring at me!

It was inside me for almost two days!

I screamed! It was the most terrifying and hilarious moment of my life.

I started reading articles about pregnancy and just remembered that it was the day of my ovulation. I called to my gynecologist, but she was free only on Tuesday. Then I lied to my co-workers that my tooth aches and went to the pharmacy. The pharmacy wasn’t opened yet and those 10 minutes were the scariest: what to say, what to do and what kind of medicine to get.

I asked for birth control pill that works for unsafe sex for the last 72 hours. I have asked if it is going to work if 50 hours already passed and the pharmacist doubted it, because it is most effective for the first 12 hours.

Once I got back to work I took the pill and still was stressed out and called to the doctor. The doctor told me that they are not going to see if I am pregnant or not anyways - it should be at least one week after the unsafe sex. Only then I can do the pregnancy test and they don’t do abortion as this is not a hospital. I told this story to my friend and she was laughing until she started to cry, then I started to laugh as well. However, she told me that these pills aren’t good for my health.

The One Night Stand guy texted me the next day and asked to meet him, I agreed, but wasn’t very excited about it. He was late more than one hour and looked very stressed out. It was me that talked mostly and I got bored after an hour, so I asked him to bring me back home. He was driving extremely slowly. And asked me several times if I was sure that I really want to go home, but I was certain.

Several days later we met again, he was more talkative, but probably due to drinks that he had before meeting me. According to him, he got a glass or two of alcohol as he was celebrating his CEO birthday at work. I wasn’t very happy about it as we were riding in his car and he was driving like crazy - few times I was almost sure that we are getting into car accident. Shortly after I told him that I have to meet my friends. He suggested bringing me back home from the meeting with my friends, I refused by saying that I am going to have a sleepover. He wasn’t a bad person, but I didn’t like his manners and he didn’t seem smart enough. He wrote me several times and asked me out, but I always rejected by saying that I have too much work, I am too busy with other things or his request is too late. So he finally got angry and asked maybe if he should ask me out a week before and I told that I would prefer that.

I took the pregnancy test a week later and I wasn’t pregnant, I was extremely happy as I didn’t need to get an abortion or to have any relations with The One Night Stand Guy anymore. I was disgusted how clumsy he was to leave a condom inside me! How’s this is even possible? I also got my gynecologist pissed off : she told that it was very irresponsible, she almost screamed at me. She told me that I am almost retired as I don’t track my ovulation - it was the same day I had sex - so I had high chances of pregnancy. I was shocked and scared once I left and asked to sign me another gynecologist.

2013-04-08

After the conversation with his friend, I have texted The Geek “Hello”. He wrote me several days later and told that I was asking his friends about us when he is really not related to our relationships. Then The Geek told me that I gave him a month to think about us and if I wanted to know how he is doing I should wrote him directly. I explained that “a month to think” was just a phrase. Then he continued by saying that he cannot promise me anything as he doesn’t want to rush things, he likes to spend time with me, but he isn’t crazy about me. Then he stressed out that I told him that I wanted to live one year without serious commitment as I had a recent break up with my ex, but now I am talking about serious relationships again, what does not make sense to him.

Two days later he wrote me again and asked me to meet him. I had plans to meet my friends, so I decided to meet him first and then to go to my friend’s place for a pre-party before club.

Once I met The Geek it looked like he wanted to kiss me, but I retreated suddenly. I tried to make things casual, but he was constantly reminding me that I shouldn't write to his friend as it’s not his business and that The Geek had a month to think as I suggested according to him. After he repeated several times that he is still not sure about his feelings and about us, my patience was over. I asked him to stop playing games as he doesn’t want to date me and let’s be friends instead. Then he contradicted me by saying that I am going from one extreme to another and it’s not like that. I told him that it’s time I go to my friends, because they are waiting. By going to his car, he told me that I have to explore things, because I am still very young. The most funny thing is that I did. The same evening.

2013-04-07

Yesterday I accidentally liked a photo of one of The Geek’s best friends in a dating website. He liked my photo back. So I just wrote him: “Hey, you are also here!”. Then we started to chat a bit. I told this awkward situation to my friend and she told that it’s really wrong that I wrote to The Geek’s friend as they definitely are going to talk about me now and I will be a target for gossiping as they will think that I was flirting with the friend as well. So to make matters better, I asked him how is The Geek doing recently. The friend answered that he is seeing him only once he’s back from business trips, so he is healthy, studying and doing some sports and asked me how I was doing. I answered that I was fine, but it was shocked a bit how our communication ended and I don’t want to text him first and to disturb him. I continued by saying that it’s a pity as I liked him, but didn’t get the feedback from his end. The friend answered that he was sad to hear that we broke up, but he doesn’t know the details as The Geek does not like to share information about his feelings even with his friends. I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t say him anything else, but I wrote: “Yes, it’s a pity, but we didn’t broke up, as actually we weren’t a couple, you have to be a couple first to break up.” Then the friend got a bit stressed out and told me that he wasn’t sure how serious we were, as he saw us we looked like a couple.

2013-04-05

Men are very interesting, it’s either none, or several at once. I have several requests to go on a date, but didn’t want to. However, The Geek didn’t text me anything, it's like he disappeared. Also I saw my ex’s new photo from the time we were in Barcelona and I got this ache in my heart. Then it occurred that maybe all feelings for the Geek were actually for The Good Guy Gone Bad as I started to date one just after the breakup with another. Me and The Good Guy Gone Bad were dating for fours years and feelings just don’t disappear out of nowhere.

Actually, I am really sure what I want now, and it’s a boyfriend. And I know once I want to have a commitment again, it should be healthy, normal and stressless, because I deserve it. Without this, I don’t want to date the first guy I meet, I would rather live my life and find new activities.

2013-04-03

Well played, well played. At first I didn’t think about him, was pretending to be hard to get, and now The Geek is gone. Now I know what I’ve lost. I have nice feelings for him. And I am not going to deny it. As I cannot share these feelings with him, I will share them with the whole world. I will love all people, I will smile to everyone. Why nice feelings should be destroyed? No, these pure feelings should be spread all around. I love all people. It doesn’t matter if The Geek doesn’t know that and he doesn’t care about it, the most important thing is that I am happy. All world looks pink and cute to me, I don’t want to get out of this zone, I want to hold these feelings inside, maybe this love will grow to love for myself. I am worthy for great mood and smile, I should share it with myself. Goodnight, beauty!

2013-04-01

I wrote a note to myself: it is better to be the girl that they want, but cannot capture. You are an amazing girl.

2013-03-31

My neck ache returned and I wasn’t sure if it was related to uncomfortable pillow or stress. Stress, I assumed. The Geek didn’t text me for several days now - he contacted me every single day before. I started to hesitate that we’re probably over and he decided that he doesn’t want to be with me. So I just have to continue living my live as regular as The Geek didn’t have a great impact on it. However, I still question myself if I should tell him how I feel? My answer is yes, but let’s see what are the possible options:

If I dated him without saying anything: without any attachment, with occasional physical contact, I would be in constant stress and keep analyzing our relationship again. Plus, I would get into everyone’s (friends and family) nerves with my hesitation and The Geek would become my problem no. 1.

If I stopped talking and meeting him without any explanation, I would feel that I lost an opportunity to tell him how I felt after his decision to keep things slow and simple.

If I just accepted what happened, continued living my life as it is and stopped waiting for his decision.

I don’t want to become a psycho and get physical disabilities due to all the stress, so I should accept how it is.

So I choose the third option.

2013-03-30

The last time I met The Geek, he looked like any regular guy out there, he wasn’t even cute anymore, contrary he just looked like a very weak man. It was a first time that I saw him in a completely different light and I knew him for four months by then. It seems that his imaginary crown and white horse disappeared, everything looked so gray and dull m. We even couldn’t look into each others eyes when we were talking. So eventually I got really bored and told him that I want to sleep and it’s time for him to leave. By saying goodbye he also mentioned that we’ll see each other another week.

The next week The Geek looked completely different - glowing, self-confident, smiling and a happy person in general. He looked the way I knew him from the beginning. I knew that today will be the day I will tell him what's on my mind. However, I was still afraid that I will screw things up. We went to the restaurant and I started to talk, as I didn’t want to wait any longer, past couple of week were terrible.

I told The Geek that there wasn’t enough of physical contact for me. Also as we already slept together once, we should make out right now instead of talking like people that just met. This lack of physical contact got me thinking - if he is treating me like just a friend or something more, and I told him that. He answered that the lack of physical contact was due fact that I got sick the next day we had sex and I was having flu for more than a week, then he had the flu as well, so basically there were no chances for kissing. I thought that he is saying bullshit - I am sure that you don’t have to kiss the person to show him the affection.

I continued by saying that despite I look like a stubborn, self-confident and strict person it is completely opposite: I am very sensitive and take every word or action deeply in my heart. I also told him that I don’t trust men too much, I have crazy and negative scenarios running around in my head of what bad could happen. I have added that I didn’t feel good when he told me that he doesn’t want anything serious with me, requested to keep things slow and that he doesn’t love me. I advised him that it is better keeping things to himself than being that harsh. Then I told him that the date I went to was to show to myself and to whole world that there are plenty fish in the sea. He explained me that I didn’t look confused or insulted after our last conversation. I told him that he should be aware by now that I am dealing with stress and unpleasant situations by attacking. The Geek was also surprised how I could keep all these emotions to myself without showing any signs or saying anything to him. I told him that I wanted to have everything placed in my head before telling him everything out loud.

I asked him to explained what did he mean by saying that he “doesn't want serious relations”. He told me that it means living separately, not being married, having kids. Then I asked him if he isn’t ready for serious commitment in general, is it just a phase or I am just a wrong person. He told me that it’s not my fault, I am still young and there are lots of possibilities to date other guys. For him, if he is getting serious, he would like it to end up with a marriage. I explained that despite career by my priority at the moment, I know that in 10 years I will want to have family and I don’t want to lose that option if he is never getting ready for serious commitment. I am not very satisfied with the situation when I have to wait as a sleeping beauty from a fairytale until my prince will finally saves me and get his priorities straight. I told The Geek that I want healthy and normal relationships, that he must make up his mind and it’s his business to conquer my heart, not contrary. I explained that similar experience with my ex The Good Guy Gone Bad. He was living for the moment and he didn’t know what his plans and priorities for the future are. This was exhausting to me and I don’t want to repeat this over again.

The Geek asked me if I want to know straight away or does he have some time to think. I told him that he can think for a month or so if he wants to. The most important for me was to explain him how I felt. So I told him bye and left home. I came back home feeling way better than before as I told him what was on my mind and what was actually driving me crazy.

The next day he didn’t text me. But I was feeling fine - I felt that despite my love life, I always have my friends, family, work and newly regained self-confidence - and I would rather be alone than with a person that does not love me, doesn’t respect me and I am worth more than that.

The Geek texted me several days later and asked me how I was doing. I was quite surprised to get his tet as I was convinced that it’s probably over and we aren’t going to meet anymore. I thought that it was price to pay for being honest, happy and peaceful with myself, despite how much I liked him. I decided that being single was better than torturing myself, it took too much stress and even my health was getting worse due to this tension. I answered him several hours later and wished him Happy Easter.

I understood that I am amazing, smart, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, cheerful, easy going, career and goal driven young woman, and the most important thing for me is to love and respect myself andto keep away from the people that doesn’t respect and love me.

2013-03-23

Despite my current success at work, The Geek didn’t ask me on a date. It was the ultimate thing to make me completely happy that day. He told me that he was sick, but he was online on the dating website.

I start to think that we are over.

However, I really liked him.

If it is going to end this way, I promise to myself to be single, to live for fun and for myself. I just heard a song Rusko “Pressure” and I think that it’s words perfectly suits the situation: “I’m alone, but it’s alright, cuz you are not the one”.

In general, I think that The Geek was very unfair to me as he knew that I just broke up with my ex and continued dating me. I would et him if his only goal would be sex, but we slept only once. I sincerely do not understand what was his agenda, he took me to restaurants and movies, I met his friends, I have visited his place, and he came to visit me several times, he texted me every single day on Skype and Facebook. What’s the matter with him?

In general, all men are causing only problems, they interfere with my goals, with my career, with my hobbies. Are these couple of minutes of pleasure and attention worth of all of this? I sacrifice all my day thinking about him when I could concentrate on my work. I am waiting for his attention and affection, and my day is screwed if I don’t get it despite all the good stuff that happened that day.

STOP! It’s over!

I feel like I am half tied up, and half free. I only want simple, beautiful relationships without poker face, hypocrisy, control. Relationship isn’t a project. Yes, The Geek is smart tall, funny, intelligent man, he gave me the attention that I was seeking from my ex and never received, but is it all worthy?

I have to be single, that’s my rational decision. I feel that I was humiliated as a woman when he suggested keeping things slow, but still wanted to see me.

2013-03-18

My psychologist liked that The Geek was talking about his feelings openly, because it is not common for guys to open up, and that it was an awkward decision for me to go on another date when The Geek asked me to slow things down. The psychologist added that my interpretations were strange, and despite not trusting my ex, there is no reason for me to be suspicious about The Geek. He advised just to ask The Geek what kind of relationships he wants, what does he mean by saying to slow things down and if he is ready to get serious in general - as I cannot get into another person’s mind and that’s why I should ask all the questions openly. I responded that I agree with the psychologist and in general I want to have family and kids in five years from now. So I just have to find out if The Geek has same future plans.

Once I came back home, the negative thoughts were running in my mind: I don’t trust men and I am scared to death to be heartbroken again, and I don’t think that any guy would want anything serious with me. I am worthy only short-term relationships, hook-ups without happy endings. I believe that nobody is going to love me, because I am not worthy. I do not believe in happy endings, because life is not a fairytale. It’s only me that loves myself, others don’t.

Where did I get all negative thoughts from? Is it from the teenage days when I was lacking of self-confidence? Is it childhood traumas when I saw my mother drunk? Is it due to the ending of my parents relationships - my father’s death? Is it that I don’t believe in happy endings as there wasn’t one in my family? Is this the basis for the negative visuals, scary scenarios, sarcasm and huge shame when I feel attached to someone? Am I hiding, because I am scared? Maybe I am scared of affection and love as I saw how my mother lost my father?

Probably.

I think that all love stories end sooner or later, your loved ones die, they become alcoholics, they leave each other, they get sick, they divorce.

That’s why I don’t anyone to love me, it is easier to be alone and I don’t want to see a person to suffer as my mother did.

I am frightened now, my body is shaking as I found out this scary truth. I am looking in the eyes of it. I am crying more than I can handle.

All nightmares, all dark secrets and demons are in the inside of human’s mind. Dinosaurs, werewolfs, zombies do not exist, they are just feelings. The human is the demon and angel at the same time. That’s why there is no God, all comes from within - it’s called Love. God is where love is, and contrary. All good and bad is hidden in our conscious mind and we can choose what needs to be released. I don’t want to be scared anymore and to run away from these demons. They are me, and I am them. And I have to start loving and accepting them as integral part of me, so they can calm down and become gods and angels. Gods that would shine my love from my within. My inner gods are love, self-confidence, patience, persistence, perception, happiness, smile, good mood, courage and other positive feelings. My demons: fear, anger, sadness, despair, hatred, stubbornness. But without gods, without demons, there would be no Me.

Yes, it is sad that my family is like that, yes, I am afraid to trust men, yes, I am scared to get hurt. But I cannot live in one more sand castle hidden from the reality and with one hundred eyes staring at me through open windows. I live here and now, I love, I am scared, I care and hate at the same time.

2013-03-17

No week without dramas! I cannot stop thinking about The Geek. I feel that I am falling for him. And he doesn’t feel anything for me. And that’s why I am scared to death and I am frustrated. I just re-read our conversation and it’s obvious that I am into him and he isn’t. This hurts me, I do not want to have this feeling again. I got lots of dramas in past four years with The Good Guy Gone Bad. Maybe I should tell The Geek that I cannot control my emotions, I cannot pretend that I don’t feel anything for him, when I do. However, I am afraid that I will lose him.

Yesterday something happened, he took me from my rational self, I felt butterflies in my stomach, I was listening to love songs.

It’s a disaster, it seems that I am destined to love without response. I am too quick to fall for the guy.

Today my mind is totally crazy: I am waiting for his approval, for his steps that would confirm that he feels something to me as well. Damn! It is the same as it was with The Good Guy Gone Bad! I cannot allow myself the same kind of relationships again! I am scared to death that The Geek can see my feelings, can see through my soul and this is the reason why this relationship will fail as the previous one.

And yes! I have to confess to myself that it hurts as hell that I am no longer with The Good Guy Gone Bad! I loved him more than I love myself! I loved him more than my life! I could give him all of me, but he didn’t take it and made look like a fool with all my love and everything that I gave to him. I am crying for the first time in 3 months after we broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad and I cannot stop my tears! I am angry, I am sad that the person that had to stay until we were old spit into my feelings and love. Everything was more important to him than me: friends, family, travelling, new adventures. I was only “A Plus One”, which would never leave, because it does not have where to go. I loved him so much, I wanted him so much, I was thinking about his body every day, he was my best friend, my sun. The sun that I revolved around. And he didn’t even have the guts to meet me and to break up in a decent manner, he didn’t text me even once, he didn’t ask me how I was doing during these 3 months. Everything that was build for 4 years disappeared as a sand castle in the sea. Together with my prince. It seems that it was different life and it was just only a dream that I just woke up.

I have to let it go, I cannot compare other men with The Good Guy Gone Bad, because he is not in my life anymore and he is not coming back. I am closing this page with a smile by remembering all the good and fun things that we had and with the lesson that I have learned. I am living in present and I am here now, I have to forget the past. I have to write everything down, just to stop this torture and to close it as the box of Pandora.

And back to the The Geek: we had a huge fight this Thursday for the first time. We just started to talk and he told me that he went out with his colleagues and this reminded him about me, because I am like Paris Hilton for him and then asked when I am going on another date. I asked him why does he constantly remind me about dating others. The he answered: “I am just messing around with you, but you run to that date the first day”. I asked him to clarify what did he have in mind by saying the first day. Then The Geek told me that once he left Sunday, the next day I went on a date with another guy. I asked what was his problem with that - is he mad or something - because I even asked if he doesn’t mind me going out with another guys and he agreed that it is not a big deal. And in general, I should not ask him about that at all and just go to the date, because we aren’t committed. The Geek contradicted that he isn’t saying that it’s bad or good, it was just strange for him - he thought that I am like a dog that just got out his leash.

I didn’t want to talk to him anymore despite that he tried to make some jokes. However, he asked me if I think that he is a bad person, I told him that he does not think before he say mean things and he agreed with me and told that Skype is not the best place to discuss things.

Then I started to think if he is really that bad. At the same time I was sure that is impossible to know other person’s next move - as it was with The Good Guy Gone Bad.

I have a problem in trusting men. If I see that everything is going wrong and I cannot control it, I get scared. I really wanted to believe that it could eventually work out with The Geek, but once he told me that he wants to slow things down got me thinking and I got suspicious. I lost trust in him. And how can I believe in something beautiful when I lost hope? How can I open to him after that?

If I am afraid that a person has a knife and can stab me in the back and cut my throat, how can I be honest with him? How can I open my heart and let it be broken at the same time? How can I let him to decide our future when I am scared to death that it will be the same as it was with The Good Guy Gone Bad and I will be lying in my own blood?

Despite my dark thoughts, The Geek asked to meet me. I wasn’t in the best mood, I had a hangover from meeting my friends, drinking wine and champagne, smoking and sleeping only couple of hours. Also it was very hard to talk as he was constantly interrupting me and I was self-confident enough to tell him that. He didn’t like my self-confidence, until the moment I almost fainted and told him that I don’t feel well. Then he really got scared and changed his attitude towards me and become caring and nice. He brought me home after the movie and we chatted for several hours, but I was not feeling good to tell with everything what was in my mind, so we kept it casual. However, he left by kissing me into the cheek. Seriously? Common, we already slept, you moron!

I told everything to my friend and she advised me starting dating another guys, but I didn’t want to, because I liked The Geek. I didn’t want to listen what other people told me once I was with The Good Guy Gone Bad either.

I also told my friend that once I saw The Geek, I thought that I could marry him.

However, he doesn’t want to be with me and I want him desperately - what a collision? He wants us to be together and he is afraid of it, and I am afraid that he won’t change his mind. There is a vacuum between us. There is nothing in common. And I am not sure if he ever wants to get serious with anyone.

I am happy to be single for a while, but in general I want to have a steady relationship, to be a wife, to have my own home and family, to have children. I don’t want it now, but I want to have this option open. However, I cannot tell him that as he is going to get frightened again. But if he wants to stay single forever, I probably should let him go. I cannot lose an opportunity to meet somebody that wants the same as I do. One year is fine for “no strings attached”, but I cannot take it for longer. I should also get my wounds healed after the break up with The Good Guy Gone Bad, but not longer than that.

I have 8 months and 20 days left.

That day I tried to encourage him starting talking about sex having in mind that he might agree to be my fuck buddy. The movie we saw that day was also about porn. I told him that I think that sex is the same human need as food or sleep, but he didn’t answer anything about it. Once I got back home I sent him a link to Massive Attack song “Paradise Circus”. The video was extremely sexy, but again - no reaction.

I got really confused if I need sex from The Geek or is it something more? It seems that everything is about the sex to me these days that the tension is in the air, I can feel the pheromones and sexy bodies everywhere. It takes only seconds until I start fantasizing about having sex - the wet body touching one another, the way they are moving in a perfectly harmonized manner. The steam that is coming from the hot bodies and the way tongues are fighting their battle. The hands are touching the most sacred places and it even hurts how much I want to make love the whole day non-stop as we did with The Good Guy Gone Bad.

I remember the feeling lying naked next to my loved one, how after just ten minutes of rest I want him again and start touching his body, because I cannot keep your arms to myself. And all the magic and fairytale starts again - it goes for five or six times again until we fall asleep tired, but satisfied. There weren’t anything more sexual and sacred than those moments. It felt that all world just disappeared and it’s only me and my lover.

I have never analyzed my relationships, sex, love, guys as much as I did the last several months. I kept everything in my mind usually. And by having it in my mind it was a total chaos, millions of thoughts were flying around and it was so stressful to me, even my neck hurt. I don’t feel as much tension now. I think that despite being totally confused, writing, talking with psychologist, my family and friend helps me. In the past, I kept everything to myself until it started to boil as kettle and then I exploded. I wasn’t ready to share negative aspects of my relationships - it was shameful for me in the past. But now I believe that it’s as normal, as all emotions are.

2013-03-13

I met my friend and told her how The Geek suggested to take things slow. She advised me to ignore him for a week and to go on dates with other guys and to inform The Geek about it. So I did! One guy from dating website wrote to me once again and I agreed to meet him the same day. Then I started to panic and hoped that The Geek will text me and save me from this desparate date. Actually, he did, but he made it even worse - he encouraged me. The Geek told me that he wasn’t against me dating other guys as long I wasn’t having sex during the first date. Couple of hours later, The Geek asked me how was my date, but I was still only getting ready for it.

The date was very wack.

Actually, it was bad.

We walked back and forth and after 40 minutes I told him that I have to meet my friend. The guy seemed to be very simple, but what I didn’t like the most was his attitude. He was complaining a lot and was being generally negative. Also he seemed to be very prudent, even stingy. I didn’t like his appearance much either - he was chubby. Despite being tall, he looked better in photos.

Way better.

Once I got back home, I didn’t turn Skype on for several hours, but once I did, The Geek texted me: “Oh, now you are not only party girl, but also a dating guru!”.

The next day The Geek asked me why I am not on date today? When I replied to him asking: “Why should I rush?”. The Geek responded with one more question: “I thought that you’ll move in with someone by now.”

In the meantime, the guy from that lame date were sending me texts, Facebook messages and trying to reach me desperately. He suggested to meet up again, to come to his place and watch a movie (seriously?), but I tried to refuse politely as possible. I needed to keep him in touch in order to have material for The Geek to be jealous.

Honestly, I really don’t know how to react to The Geek’s behaviour. It hurt me once he said that there are no special feelings for me. But at the same time, there is no rush, I want to see where it goes. If it is getting nowhere.

To sum up, I had a great time with The Geek, also it helped me to forget my ex The Good Guy Gone Bad completely. Additionally, the proper amount of attention from men and various options helps to increase my self-esteem. It helped me to understand that there are plenty guys waiting for my attention, because I am interesting, intelligent, feminine, and I also have that special “spark”. It is the most important to know that there are lots of guys following you and that is the reason to walk straight, self-confident and keep smiling.

I have to love myself, then others will start loving me as well.

2013-03-11

After reading what I wrote yesterday, I just think that The Geek is just not ready to go from the dating into serious commitment phase, because he is not sure about his feelings. I was also afraid if we start a relationship, then the dating stops and routine comes. After all, dating is the most fun part. I didn’t have dating phase with my ex-boyfriend The Good Guy Gone Bad, we started seriously since the beginning and everyone were referring to us as a couple since the start. At this point, I am not sure if this is better or worse that we can talk this through with The Geek - that we can talk if we suit each other, and if not, then we can just go separate ways without any attachment or hearts been broken. However, I can agree with The Geek about not having serious commitment, but I still have my physical needs and I think that we should have sex on regular basis. I wonder what would he think about it? Probably he wouldn’t get that I JUST want to have sex. It does not matter with whom, how or where, I just want to bang! It basically means that I should keep seeing The Geek, but to have another sex partner.

2013-03-10

The next day The Geek texted me again, but I actually cannot understand him: when he wanted to rush things, I agreed; once he asked to slow things down - I agreed, so what are his intentions now? I decided that I need to concentrate on my work, career, my goals. Relationships, sex, love are only tools that makes a person feel good, but it is not the core as there are higher goals. I want to be honored for my career achievements, not my love affairs. I am not saying that I do not need physical contact, but I can achieve it almost with everyone, I could sleep with anyone, especially when I do not have experience with lots of sexual partners, but I would want to have sex with more guys. And if The Geek wants to have sex with me, he should ask it himself, I am not going to push it to it or ask for the relationship. After all, I think that yesterday’s conversation with The Geek that he is not ready to commit is good for me - it opened my eyes. I got my ass kicked and I wasn’t myself with The Geek: I was pretending to be weak, fragile and soft. And now I am my true self: strong, rational and a fighter. In overall, commitment is wrong for me: I become too submissive, I get my pink goggles on. I am better than that, I am more successful when I am rational. Otherwise it is like walking on a rope above the volcano.

2013-03-08

It was the first time when I told my psychologist about The Geek. I told how we met: I have registered into dating website the next day I broke up with my boyfriend of more than four years - The Good Guy Gone Bad. So after all this long-lasting and hard relationship and I just wanted things to go easy and slow, at least for the first several months. Also I told the psychologist that I am comparing The Geek with The Good Guy Gone Bad, that I am afraid of getting into relationship again, that the last two weeks it seems that The Geek is distant to me. The psychologist told me to be open and to ask The Geek what he thinks about our relationships without being afraid to destroy everything. He advised that it is better to know sooner than later when there are stronger feelings involved. I promised to do that this week once I will The Geek face to face.

I met The Geek that friday and he brought me some flowers and then we went to meet his friends. Girls wanted to go to the club, but The Geek wanted to stay at the bar, so we stayed did. We talked about random things, and then we started to talk about us. I told him that he seemed more tired and passive than when we met, but he wasn’t into the discussion. When he brought me home, I suggested him to come for some tea at my home, but he refused. I got pissed off, but didn’t say anything about it as he really looked tired and I left home.

He called me the next day and suggested going to the movies, but he came early and asked if he can get some tea at my place. Then he started to talk: “I want to talk about us, <...> I cannot say that I love you or I want to be with you all my life, <..> I think that we should slow things down”. When he was talking my cheeks were on fire, my mouth was completely dry and my heart was beating as crazy. He continued: “As you mentioned in the club that you don’t want to share and want to be one man’s woman, I cannot guarantee that for you.”

Then I interrupted him and told him that he misunderstood me, I asked him to come for tea yesterday without any intentions, I did not want to talk about the commitment. Once I refered about one man’s woman, I had my previous roommate in mind and it wasn’t about me. Once she told me that she wants to be one man’s woman, but her actions were contradictory and she was going out with several guys at once. I continued my bizarre show by explaining him that I did not plan to have any relationships and it was a complete accident that I met him two days after I broke up with my ex (The Good Guy Gone Bad). I met him just to cheer up and didn’t have any intentions for relationships for upcoming several years. That it is nothing special that we had sex after the club, that I am a passionate woman and I need physical contact - this not necessary mean love. To make matters worse, I bragged that I met other guys when I visited my friends in another city few weeks ago, but I stressed out that I haven’t slept with them. I continued saying that we don’t know what the future is going to bring us and we just have to live for today.

The Geek answered that his parents were very keep on family values and they live concentrated on him and his brother, parents kept controlling them once they grew up and it was very hard to get detached from them. Then he asked about my family, if my parents got divorced. I told him that my dad died when I was 5 years old and my mother has a boyfriend for last 10 years and they started to live together once I went to study in another city. However, I do not consider my mother’s boyfriend as father, I was always against man coming to our family and my mother kept tolerating it. Maybe that’s why I am so independent and self-caring.

Also we talked about his past affairs and that all his ex-girlfriends wanted to have serious relationships, openness and love. He didn’t want to hurt them and talked about feelings for hours. I told him that we talked only several times a week with The Good Guy Gone Bad to agree when we are going to meet each other and to receive texts from The Geek every single day was something new for me. Additionally, I explained why I broke up with The Good Guy Gone Bad: we didn’t share mutual vision on future, that he didn’t have any life goals, he didn’t want to make a carreer, he just wanted to stay with his friends and to party. For the first several years I could keep up with him and party together, but once I got the job, it become my priority. Then I felt that I outgrown him.

The Geek told me that his longest relationship was of two years and basically he is happy being single. I asked him is it because somebody broke his heart? Then he confirmed that he dated a girl, but she went to live abroad and after some time he could not deal with long-distance relationship anymore, wanted physical contact and then suggested to broke up. After a month or so he decided that he made a mistake, but she didn’t want to get back together. Then I asked him what he meant with this conversation - are we stopping from seeing each other? He disagreed and just told that he wants to slow things down. Then I contradicted him by saying that he was the one that wanted to rush things in the first place. I told him that each relationship is very different, he should not compare us to the others and I don’t want to rush things either.

Later on I opened up more about me and The Good Guy Gone Bad: that he always wanted me to do things he liked despite my desires: to play bowling together, play poker, drink beer or whiskey with his friends and that I am very patient and can keep my emotions for very long time, but once something or someone gets into my nerves - I explode and there is nothing that could make me stay with that person. I also mentioned that I do not feel anything to The Good Guy Gone Bad: neither love, nor hatred, it is just empty. That I hate labels and what other people say about the relationship: when it’s time to get serious, when it is time to get married. The Geek told me that one year should be enough to know that, but I disagreed as we were too young after one year of dating - we were only twenty years old.

The Geek shared a secret with me - he also went to the psychologist since 18 despite his parents knowing about it. He wanted to solve family control, self-confidence and unhappiness issues. It took 8 years until only recently he could take matters into his hands and stop the visits. I complimented him that he is one of severe guys that can speak up openly. However, he shocked me by saying that it was a long time ago once he felt his heart beating stronger. In the meantime I butterflies in my stomach once he accidentally touched my arm or shoulder, or when he gazed at me. But I lied that it is same for me - I didn’t anything for anyone for a long time. I told him that when I was a teenager I could fall in love with ten different guys in one summer, but now it’s different.

I was having a feeling that it is not going to work with The Geek, but hoped that he can become a fuck-buddy as I really needed sex only.

2013-02-27

Yesterday was the first day I got back to work after having flu for a week and The Geek texted me asking if I am going to be at home this evening. I told him that I have to run some errands and then I will get back home. Then he asked me if I am going to be at home at 8 PM and I confirmed. Afterwards he didn’t wrote me anything and I got pissed off about it. I was in my pajamas and telling to my roommate that The Geek is a total douchebag, when he called me and asked to open the door. I panicked and told him that I wasn’t expecting him, but he explained that he informed me about coming at 8 PM. He brought some soup and fruits. We talked for several hours, but not kissed and then he went back home. I was very surprised about his visit and could not be angry at him anymore. I don’t know if we are getting anywhere, but I would really want to know. So I should stay calm and see where it goes.

2013-02-25

Midnight:

Oh my God, I don't know what is wrong with me! I want The Geek to be mine and only mine. I want to be with him. My mind is obsessed with him, despite behaving crappy recently. Two and a half months I pretended that I don’t care, but now I do! Everything changed after that night when we had sex, he messed up with my mind. Does this mean that women fall in love after the intercourse? This is so often in movies and books, am I like them? I saw him online in the dating site before and maybe now he is having a dinner with another girl? And I stop thinking: he does not ask me to be with him, he does not suggest his heart to me, he does not talk about relationships and his feelings. Actually, there is no relationship, it is only two strangers that just met. And I cannot suggest him to talk about us, because I am afraid of the answer - that we are nothing! Also he has so many drawbacks, I am not naive.

I have to concentrate, to calm down and to work and to stop thinking about him. I have to stop dreaming. I am one of the girls for him. Also as he is to meet other guys and I will keep this feeling suppressed. I am afraid of this feeling. Will I have to suffer again as I did with The Good Guy Gone Bad? This is just an empty love without any future. Should I tell The Geek that I don’t want to play and to get burned and I choose to say goodbye instead? I definitely should avoid him, forget him and do my own stuff, just to avoid being hurt again. If he is going to ask me, I am going to say him that I am afraid and I want to go away from him. I am doing that quite often in the real life: I am putting all the effort and then when I need to wait for the result, I get scared, I am scared and I don’t want it, I have to avoid him. Maybe I should tell him openly that I am afraid of being in a relationship and to get attached and we should stop seeing each other and he should forget that I exist. Love is a bad thing, it makes people vulnerable, predictable and soft, and I don’t want to be this way. I want to be a bitch, I want to feel nothing, I want to enjoy by manipulating others and don’t get attached. Please leave me alone! Go away from my mind and my schedule! It would be better if The Good Guy Gone Bad came back to my dreams and in my mind, I don’t feel him anything after all. Where are all the other guys? I should get back into the dating site and I should go on dates when it’s not too late. Then I will get over all these feelings! What feelings? There are no feelings! Fuck it! Go away! I have to logout, block him, forget him and to get back to life! To return to the real life and to ditch all dreams about love. I want to live here and now! Goodnight!

The same evening:

I was scared a bit, it was my first visit to ginceologist. It wasn’t as scary as I thought: she checked my uterus - of course the feeling wasn’t the most pleasant (I think that after magnetic resonance I am not afraid of anything anymore). Then she took some samples of my cervix for a PAP test to check my cervix for unusual cells and advised to continue using condoms.

Afterwards I went to the psychologist and we discussed my control issues - he assumed that it can be caused by death of my father and my mother's alcoholism - the things that I could not, but wanted to control. This is way I am taking all things that are not in my hands so seriously and so sensitive. He told me to analyze my past more, talk to my mother and grandmother. The psychologist advised that I have to cope with this otherwise it will have consequences in my future.

Then we discussed my anger issues - sometimes I start screaming on my mother despite any reason. He assumed that I have holding angriness for her alcoholism in my childhood for too long and I should write her a letter. When I asked him if I should write a letter to my father as well, he agreed that it is a great idea. Then we talked about group therapy that it might help me working in the team. Since the childhood I always took leadership role when I had to work with others - this is how I could get more power than the others.

Also I told him that I still compare The Good Guy Gone Bad with The Geek. Psychologist told me that it is very normal if the relationship was lasting for a longer period of time and they were important to me. Also it can take some time until I will get over him.

Once I got home I got message from The Geek and then from one of my friends. She asked what as The Geek’s friend’s name that we met last weekend in the club while I was with my girls. Apparently that guy texted to both of my friends and I told that to The Geek. He didn’t see any issue here and I told him that it is a great time to discuss what is fidelity for him. He answered that it is a great thing, but now he is not blame people that much that are unfaithful as there can be various situations. Then I asked him which infidelity matters more for him: emotional or physical. And he told that of course physical.

Then I decided that I should not be as other girls: I don’t have to answer right back, I am meeting him once I am available, I am not talking with him when I am angry or tired, I don’t cook and clean for him, I speak shortly and clearly as guys do; if I don’t like something, I tell him immediately; sometimes I pretend being stupid; I don’t have sex when he wants it, I should want it as well; I have to disappear from his radar from time to time.

2013-02-23

Yesterday I was extremely self-confident: I have changed my laptop’s hard drive myself! Fuck Yeah! I don’t think there are manly and girly tasks - it’s only laziness to think more and to learn new things. However, I still like being a delicate flower. I talked with The Geek yesterday and he told me that he is going out tomorrow. And I got jealous! But I just turned my laptop on and I saw his message in Skype, it was almost a midnight and he asked if I am sleeping already. Maybe the method not to always reply and to be passive actually works? I was coming up with various strategies how to get him to talk to me: I did not reply to him or text him first, then I thought that it is the best idea and it is a way to deal with guys. I hoped that I found a golden key (actually I read about it in cheezy Sherry Argov book “Why Men Love Bitches”): do not control your boyfriend, sex partner, husband, children, father, brother, just let them do what they want and just stay there, smile and do not say anything. If you were angry - he would get angry too, if you were happy - we would think that everything is perfect and he is doing great. But just be there, smile, say nothing and stay being busy with your own things. Then he should start thinking what is wrong with her, is she not interested if I do anything stupid again - this is how you will make him thinking about you constantly and questioning your odd behaviour.

2013-02-21

However, at the same time if somebody would asked me about my relationship with The Geek, I would start to thinking about it more than before, the idea would be planted as demonic seed in my mind and I could not get over it. I started to have some doubts about my and The Geek’s relationship on a daily basis: I was checking the online dating site for several days in a row and could always see him online. Also he wrote to me everyday, but he did not seem as interested as before. Then I started to think that maybe he is not ready for serious relationships (we were dating 3 months then) and maybe sleeping with him last weekend was a bad idea. I have met my girls and we went to the club, got a bit wasted and then The Geek came with his friend. One of my girls encouraged me to dance together on a strip pole - things how hot with The Geek and we went back to my place. The sex was quite good, but also awkward as I did not sleep with another guy for fours years and I had flashbacks from the days I’ve dated The Good Guy Gone Bad. Then I got sick and stayed all week at home, I had ideas that The Geek will date other girls while I will be lying in bed. Eventually I decided that it is a time to speak about the relationships (spoiler alert! - it was a totally bad idea). I was questioning myself how my friends could take their boyfriends on a short lease and to get into serious relationship, maybe I am worse than other girls, maybe all guys have a chronic infidelity instinct.

I had a huge urge to know the answers: can we be a serious couple? Is he ready for that? Am I ready for that? Where do we stand now? What can I expect? I also wanted to hear some nice words from him: that he likes me, secretly hoping that maybe he even loves me and will ask me to be exclusive. I had all illusions and bad thoughts in my mind at the same time, I was far away from the reality and sometimes I could make me stop, but most of the time I was like in a dream or nightmare.

2013-02-18

I was going to the psychologist, because I had so many things to solve in my head: I wanted to know how to deal with pain in the neck, how to find work-personal life balance. I also needed to know how to cope with my temper and control issues, how to stop creating scary scenarios in my mind, how to solve childhood traumas: my father’s death, my mother’s renewed alcoholism. I also started to write a diary where I put all my emotions analyze them week by week. Additionally, I started reading psychological books as Irvin’s D. Yalom, Oliver Polak, Sheryl Argov, John Gray Martina Paura, Carlos Luis Zafon and added notes from these books to my diary.

My emotions were changing on a daily basis: once day I was extremely happy and self-assure, the other day I could cry without no reason or be angry on all people. The psychologist helped me realizing that I am not the reason why my mother started drinking again despite 7 years being sober and that’s it’s not the end of the world. He helped me to understand that there are lots of families with a relative that is or was an alcoholic and I have to accept it a reality. Also we talked about my father and why I do not remember anything until I was 5 years old, he assumed that it can be a trauma due to my father’s death when I was 4 years old. He told me to get to know my father better from the memories of my mother and to write him a letter. Maybe this could help me understanding myself better. The psychologist told me that the family, mother and father relationships are the most important thing during first 5-7 years of the childhood. Also he helped me to realize that bad emotions are completely normal and I should be afraid of them, it helps to learn from my mistakes and to look to my life from another angle. He also assumed that maybe once I have better mental shape, my neck will heal as well. The manualist that was performing procedures for my neck told me that I assess reality and situations adequately.

2013-02-17

I started to notice that all that we do is according to The Geek’s need: when we see each other, where we go, how we spend time. Also I am not feeling myself while I am with him: I tried to behave to be perfect the way he wanted me to be and I was afraid to show my real self - I thought I would be rejected. The biggest issue was that I really did not know who I was at that moment: strong woman or a vulnerable girl, perfectionist or carefree. I gave all control to his hands and I was extremely passive - what is usually totally opposite to my personality - but after all breaking-up-and-coming-back-to-the-same-shit type of relationship, I just wanted to relax and enjoy being with someone. Also as I in the relationship for so long and did not date a lot of guys in the past, I had this urge to try something new. I went to see my friend in different city and kissed few guys while partying in the club. I never was unfaithful to the person that I was seeing before. But at the same time I really wanted to lose control and to know how I am perceived by the other guys.

December 2012

The second I broke free from more than fours years of relationship with The Good Guy Gone Bad, I knew that I want to check new horizons. The next day I joined online dating website and started chatting with several guys, of course there were freaks, there were the boring ones, but in that pool of dicks I found one gemstone. So as I ended the relationship with The Good Guy Gone Bad on Friday, the next Monday I went to the first date with The Geek. He was quite opposite to The Good Guy Gone Bad: well educated, very tall, had a great job in international IT company and was going on a business trips: one week he was here, and two weeks he was abroad. It did not take a long time until we started dating regularly: he was really patient with me, I could tell him about my past relationship with The Good Guy Gone Bad, he took great care of me, showed lots of attention. While I was with him, I felt a bit dizzy and confused: each touch, each kiss and sex seemed like with The Good Guy Gone Bad, but at the same time my mind realized that it is a totally different person. I was sure that we share similar interests, political and philosophical views, we perceived relationships similarly and our humour was in tact with The Geek.

November 2008 - December 2012

I have met The Good Guy Gone Bad only a month after I moved to another city to study. We met in one of student’s party and he got interested in me. Then we started dating and most of our friends were common. We were partying together, I was sleeping at his place when his parents were away. The Good Guy Gone Bad, his family and friends become a huge part of my life during those years and they helped me to suppress the longing for my home and my family as they become my family. We also grown up together as The Good Guy Gone Bad was also 19 when we met. However, during those 4 years I was starting to grow up and wanted to have a career and a steady life. And he just wanted to party, travel around and not to have serious commitments.

Especially during the fourth year, our family and friends were constantly asking when we are moving in together and getting engaged, but The Good Guy Gone Bad didn’t even wanted to talk about. He wanted to leave our country and to live abroad. Also his character changed: at first he was a cute and shy guy that was afraid to talk about his feelings and to share his opinion, he was very easy going. He wasn’t experienced in bed and I was his first girl. I slept only with one guy before him, sex was new to both of us, and we experimented together by watching porn and learning from it.

We were always using condoms, but I took post pregnancy pill twice during those four years. He always wanted to try it without a condom in the shower and I was too scared to get pregnant, so I told him that I’ll do that only if I am getting the pill afterwards. The second time was when our condom broke and we were 19 and we were sure that will get pregnant just because of it. We were in a foreign country, so we run around the city searching for shopping mall that would work on Sunday.

Several years later The Good Guy Gone Bad started to have his own opinion about everything and usually it collided with mine, so we started to argue a lot. Then he started to show more attention to his friends and spend time with his friends despite spending it with me. Before that I have been staying with his friends and playing poker with them by being only one girl in a guys gang and there weren’t any problems about it. But after several years I become unwelcome in their group. When we met he smoked lots of weed and it was the only thing that I really hated about him, but eventually I made him to quit it and smoke only on special occasions. Then I smoked it together with him. However, several years later he started to smoke it often again and drank more than before.

The Good Gone Bad didn’t understand that I was studying and working at the same time and he would want to meet me at midnight despite that I had to wake up at 5:30 AM to get to work at 7:30 AM. Then we would argue all the time and I would be crying, screaming and almost getting out of my mind constantly. I would go to the bath and cry for hours that my roommate would not hear me. I did not say anything about problems in our relationships and for other people, our families and friends we looked like a perfect couple. But I think that we just started hating each other. Then one regular Friday I called him after work to ask what are his plans for the weekend and he told me that he would prefer to stay with his friends that weekend. So I told him to fuck of! This is how we ended our relationship after more than four years together: we never talked this through, never took our things, it just ended in few seconds. Then his mother, sister and best friend texted me asking how I am doing, but I did not want to talk to them and told that I am perfect and dating another guy.

February 2008 - September 2008:

I saw The Discoverer in the club and he seemed very nice while singing karaoke, so I found him online and praised his singing skills. Then we started to text each other often, but never become a couple as I was interested in another guy. So we became friends instead. I knew that he likes me, and we were flirting often, but we never kissed or had any other physical contact for almost a year. Then one time we got drunk at the party and started to make out. This lead to that we went to the room where everyone was supposed to sleep after the party. I don’t exactly remember everything, but I think there was one guy sleeping in that room at the same time. It was my first time and I was 19.

After accidental sex, we became friends with benefits. The last time we had sex in my room, The Discoverer left a condom under my bed. It was the last day that I lived at my mother’s home. The next day was supposed to move out to study and live in another city. So you can imagine my surprise to receive a call from mother and discussing the condom under my bed instead talking about my first day in the new city. At least my mother praised me that I was smart enough to use protection. And completely redecorated my room a month after.

The Ending

2013-12-20

MY WAY

Before his life faded away he heard Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”. The lyrics were equal to his life. Before having the last breath, that reminded thet good and not so good memories. The song reminded him the faith, hope, success, but also everything that broke him, pain, betrayals, failures. Everything he did from the bottom of his heart, the way he imagined it and by falling and getting up on his own way.

And now from the beginning, Mr D. was born in usual city and he wasn’t special: neither his appearance, neither mental abilities were extraordinary. We can say that he was a regular man. But from his early days he was always lost between his dreams, beliefs and sometimes cannot understand if this was a reality or a dream. He believed that as in the imaginary world, in the real life he can achieve everything that he wants to and usually he was referring to himself as a prince, which was lost in the nursery. Of course nobody was believing his stories and called them childish.

By growing up and getting more mature, his “delirium” (as most of the people called it) didn’t stop. Mr D. was still believing that he is the one that can change a world one day and to become recognized. The only problem was that he didn’t the way he’ll change things and what they are going to be. However, in the deepest corner of his heart, he always felt the spark, which allowed him to struggle and to think all this actions through. Over time he become cautions: he tried to create the image reserved, but honorable person, he never said bad things about other and never gossiped. He tried to look elegant and reliable, participated in the activities that looked beneficial, and got to know important people that way.

The thing that Mr D. hated was two-faced people - that for strange reason wanted to be friends with him (maybe due to his inner strength and his burning eyes), but they weren’t honest with him and tried to get personal benefit. They were like energetic vampires sucking his energy. Once he got to know this kind of people better, Mr D. tried to avoid them and was only politely having a small talk with them, or said several sentences that could not get him into trouble. However, the injustice was number one thing that Mr D. hated the most, he did everything with his conscious clean. So if he encountered the lying and betrayal, he could never cope with them and tried to publicize the unfair work or give them justice. It is obvious that it made some people hate him and in general there weren't a lot of people that like him. Some were even criticizing him publicly, probably they were afraid that their dirrty sheet will be seen by all.

Since his school years Mr D. wasn't the best student, but he was trying his best to manage his personal life and studies as much as he could, and he tried to take the best parts from each part of his life. Maybe no one is getting surprised that sometimes he was distracted, angry or impatient due to many activities. He was very impatient, he wanted everything at this moment. He believed that even in his teenage days he can achieve a lot. Sometimes he dreamt that he is going to invent a magical tool that will allow the time travelling, or that he will find a cure from cancer or AIDS. Also he was hoping that he can change people mind with his convincing speeches and his eyes on fire as did Maria Theresa and Mahatma Ghandi. From the eye of another people it looked very weird, as Mr D. didn’t do anything better than other ordinary people.

Day after day the desire of Mr D. got framed. At first he was angry, impatient, tried to rebel, but eventually he understood that he won’t achieve his goals by his own knowledge. Since then he became interested in various topics: from history to contemporary music, from electronics to fashion, from psychology to astrology. Other people were surprised, they were thinking that he is pretending to know about so many various topics. Although Mr D. never tried to become the expert of all areas. He was just strongly sure that all his knowledge will help him sooner or later. Once he will reach his goal. Once he will know what his goal is.

This strange man, as others called him often, didn’t have a lot of friends. In general there were bunch of people that know him at some point of his life, but there weren’t a lot that would stay. He could not share his heart with more than three people at once, because each person that was welcome to his world, he felt the most sincere and strong feelings. Also he had a strong desire to help another person, to help to reveal the best qualities of that person, to increase his or her self-confidence. Some people said that Mr D. would be a great life coach. However, Mr D. didn’t think so. To help close people was more his hobby than his goal.

Maybe before he would take as his goal, but as Mr D. encountered betrayal, gossiping, hatred, he understood that giving away his self to the others is not the best think he can do and he started to concentrate into himself instead. At first he was scared of himself, as he wasn’t aware what he’ll found in the corners of his soul. His emotions were like a rollercoaster, it was from apathy to anxiety, from happiness to anger. Once after he was betrayed again, he was even thinking that he is psychologically unstable, maybe he is having a bipolar or schizophrenia. He even did several tests that he found in a newspaper and as he believed that he is sick, the test results showed that yes, probably he is have a psychological disorder. Then he was so scared that he run to the psychologist and found out that everything is fine with him and he just have to calm down and to live in the moment.

Living in the moment seemed an unfamiliar concept to the Mr D., as he always believed in his future, he believed that one day he’ll change the world. Step by step he tried to relax and stop paying attention to small details. However, he didn’t notice one thing - his eyes weren’t on fire as before, and his optimism was hidden under the veil of reality. He started to think less about his dream and to concentrate more on his daily tasks. After a while he noticed that he is no longer as happy as he was before. Also he didn’t have where to get his inner energy, he started to speak as other - sadly, without passion for life. This was eating him out, he didn’t feel himself and Mr D. started to get angry on the whole World, The World that he loved so much before was now strange to him. He wanted to give something to The World, but now he only saw only the blame. So it’s not a surprise that he wanted to run away from everything. To pack his small luggage, his notes and leave without saying to anybody. To disappear one night. He even started to think about committing suicide, but although his love for life was less visible, the curiosity what his goal is was still there.

On December 20th, only few days before Christmas, Mr D. packed notes, several shirts and pants, took his all money and without saying to anyone left his home, work and three friends - everything that wasn’t giving him joy. We knew one thing - he needs to go to Brazil. Somehow he was fascinated with this country, he didn’t need the skyscrapers of Hong Kong, the Paris Eiffel tower, Central Park of New York or any other place in the world. He needed Brazilian forests, Copacabana beach, smiles from the strangers, the moonlight that sanked into the Atlantic Ocean. Mr D. wasn’t scared about the criminals, murders, drugs or favelas.

It wasn’t that easy to go to Brazil, he needed enough savings to get to Brazil, and Mr D. didn’t have enough of them. Maybe he could have enough money for the ticket, but he could live there a week or two mostly without a job. It was scaring Mr D. he was rational at the time and liked to live comfortably, to eat healthy and tasty. But then he convinced himself that he has to try. He took all his money from bank and bought a one way ticket the next day. He felt that something is waiting him in Brazil, despite that he didn’t know any people there. He had same feeling since his childhood. The dreams about Brazil and the ticket he bought light his eyes back to the way as it was before: he was lost and could not say if this was a reality or a dream.

A night before the trip he could not sleep, and started to hesitate if this was the best decision. Maybe he won’t even like it there. He is so safe here at home, and now he is going to leave everything. Once the morning came, Mr D. woke up earlier than he needed and packed fast, checked if he had everything he needed and run to the bus that took him to the airport. He was shaking from the fear and happiness when he saw the airport terminal. Now only standard safety procedures were separating him from the dream. He wanted it to go faster, that he could feel the sand of Brazil today. The sand that would tickle his feet and would burn his toes a little.

It’s a summer in Brazil now, contrary to Mr. D home where he had winter and cold that he hated a lot. This was also a thing that was making Mr. D impatient. He felt uncomfortable during winter, it was like a wet blanket that wrapped his body and kept it until spring would come and grass would show up. By the way, Mr D. loved the smell of freshly cut grass, it reminded him his childhood when he was carefree and he had lots of dreams mixed up with reality.

After all security procedures and thousands of scenarios rolled in his mind about the future in Brazil, Mr D. was sitting in the plane. He had a great place next to the window and could see the departure. Mr D. loved to fly, he used every opportunity to travel and he was as happy as a child once the plane departed and landed. He saw himself as a person that would have a lifestyle with lots of travelling and saw himself with white costume in the plane in his dreams. The plane departed and Mr D.’s dreams departed as well, it seemed that all his desires were right there.

As he could not sleep before the flight, Mr D. fall asleep once the plane departed. He saw his dream beach once he closed his eyes. Then the view of Amazon forests, wildlife, favelas and despite the poverty happy people occurred in his mind. He could hear Bossa Nova and a girl that would sing it tenderly, her voice was like a breeze that was touching her face carefully.

Mr D. woke up from a huge turbulence, he openeded his tired eyes, and saw that people around him were scared. Few moments later he started to hear someone screaming. He understood that something is wrong, but he didn’t want to bother the stewardess that was in the rush and tried to calm down the crying kids. He asked a woman that was sitting next to him, she wasn’t sure, but assumed that something is wrong with the plane equipment. Nobody knows exactly what is happening and the crew isn’t providing too much details. Strange, but Mr D. felt completely calm, even apathetic. He didn’t felt any stress, fear or other negative feeling. He just felt emptiness inside, it seemed that all his feelings fade away and he became a robot, that would have a program for daily tasks installed only.

As the level of panic was getting higher, the calmer Mr D. felt. Then out of the sudden he felt a need to get out of his chair. Then he started to speak silently, at first nobody was listening to him, as he wasn't the best speaker. But as minutes went by, he started to say these words louder and louder:

“And now, the end is near;

And so I face the final curtain.

My friend, I'll say it clear,

I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.

I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;

But more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;

But then again, too few to mention.

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exception.

I planned each charted course;

Each careful step along the byway,

But more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew.

But through it all, when there was doubt,

I ate it up and spit it out.

I faced it all and I stood tall;

And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.

I've had my fill; my share of losing.

And now, as tears subside,

I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;

And may I say - not in a shy way,

"No, oh no not me,

I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught.

To say the things he truly feels;

And not the words of one who kneels.

The record shows I took the blows -

And did it my way!”

They were the words that he heard someday while listening to Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”. Mr. D. repeated them non-stop, louder and louder, the verse after verse. People started to pay attention to Mr D., the screaming of women and men stopped, even the kids were listening. All plane was in silence and everyone was listening to Mr D.’s words and they felt calmer, they accepted the inevitable that they won’t survive. They told nice words to each other and got to know to each other, told their names, hugged and met their destiny together. Including Mr. D that executed his mission and his ultimate goal, that he was believing all his life. The goal that he sacrificed his life for without knowing what he is going to expect.

The plane dived into the Atlantic Ocean. Together with hundreds of various dreams of various people, including Mr. D’s desire to see Brazil that wasn’t fulfilled. But his life goal - to do something good for the world - was completed…

Meantime on the other side of the world a girl was born...

2017-05-01, 01:00 AM

I promised to myself that I will finish this book by the May, 2017 and here were are.

A person does not need to be extraordinary talented or perfect to achieve something in life. It is enough to make peace with your past, start loving yourself a little bit more every single day, care about your physical and physiological health, follow even craziest dreams and be generous to yourself and other people.

Even the smallest things can make miracles and give hope to 100 hundred eyes or more.

Thank you for taking this journey with me and I hope that I could bring at least a small light to your eyes as well.