It was an ordinary day, during a not-so-ordinary time. My life was different now, much different than I could have ever imagined. Instead of being at home with my wife and daughter, I was doing dishes alone in my apartment, attempting to pick up the refuse that was left. Menial tasks were great at distracting me from the fact that I was now separated from my wife, but sometimes there just aren't enough dishes to clean.
It's funny how moments creep up on you. While I was doing such a mundane task, a very non-mundane feeling washed over me. It came out of nowhere. One second I'm scrubbing a pan...the next I'm crying my eyes out over the sink. My gut felt like someone had put a bucket of rocks in it, and my heart literally ached. I'd heard the expression before, but it's a very palpable real feeling.
Things were not right. I was not right. Life didn't make sense. Everything felt wrong. I was trying to be strong and hold it together. In this moment, I couldn't anymore.
As the water continued to pour out of the faucet, I leaned on the counter and asked to both myself and God. "Why is this happening to me? How did I get here? Where do I go now? What do I do?" These were all important questions, but no such answers. I knew at the time the questions were rhetorical, but my situation begged the questions anyway. All I knew was that I was in a state of emotional pain that I'd never come close to in my entire life. Even worse, I was completely alone.
The safe haven that used to be my life now felt like a very desparate, scary place. Life was a monster attempting to swallow me whole, and I was a little boy hiding under the covers. All I could do was bear it, because I knew deep down that ultimately everything was out of my hands.I was completely and totally helpless.
Eventually, I collected myself enough to turn off the water. Then I went to my bedroom and did the only thing I could think of to do, and that was to pray. Now, when I say pray I don't mean that I folded my hands neatly and knelt by my bed and used "thou" with other dressed-up words. I simply talked to God and we needed to have a heart-to-heart.
So in that moment I prayed very honestly and very frankly, which I probably had only done a handful of times. There was a lot said, and I can't recall much but I remember that I questioned God, not understanding what He was doing and demanded to know why He was letting this happen to me. It seemed dumb to question the Creator of the universe, but I just prayed everything that came to mind, and I prayed it very hard.
My words were full of desperation, anger, sadness, and everything inbetween. I didn't expect an answer, how could I? In my experience, it simply didn't work that way. Yet, in a way that I can't explain, I did get an answer. An odd feeling like invisible hands and arms wrapped around me. I couldn't believe it, but it felt like I was being held.
It was so surreal, but I remember it very clearly. So much was said in such a simple gesture. My Creator was telling me...
"I am here now."
There was so much truth in it. An unnatural warmth spread through me, and I felt at peace, more at peace than I'd felt in the three months since my separation from my wife. God was telling me so much without saying an audible word to me. He had been there for me, never forsaking me or turning His back. My Creator knew my pain, and He wasn't laughing at me from the heavens...He cared. I was His child and He was comforting me in my tine of need.
My tears came again, but this time it was tears of joy, from feeling peace for the first time in what felt like forever. I mattered and I was not alone, He was with me. He was always there for me, whether I knew it or not..and He always would be. His words would forever echo into my heart, "I Am Here Now."
ns 15.158.61.21da2
