Hello Isaac.
My name is Sara Smythe. Except that's not quite true, because Sara Smythe doesn't exist, and if she does, she certainly isn't the person writing this email.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fQ48W73p6
Fuck.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8qYh2mDzH
I've never been one for introductions.
I'm not going to lie to both of us by saying something as presumptive as 'I love you.' It might feel like that, but I know it's not possible - I know nothing about you apart from your name, age, and a vague recollection of your appearance (except I've lied again, because there are some other things I know too; but if I told you those, you might work out something that I don't want you to know, not yet).628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQHFR5nZJP
No, this is how it works; in a cloud of hormones my mind simply attached it's mental and physical desires to someone nearby - namely, you.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhG2xnJBty
But that doesn't matter.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewDNzPyauj
The fact that you don't know who I am, and will most likely (hopefully) never will, doesn't matter.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HS2cGQSmK
All that matters is that when I see you out of the corner of my eye, when your smile paints this world that had felt so dead before you, when you look confused when you're happy, as if you think you don't deserve it - everything is perfect.
I was never going to send this, you know. But here it is. I was going to give you something, too - until I realized that I had nothing to give. Because nothing (fuck, fuck, fuck, what am I doing) would be good enough for you.
...
...I lie too much, Isaac.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKWU7qdeHM
I love you.
It's a strange sensation, falling is. The transition from worry - when am I going to land? How will I get back up? - to basking in those moments of weightlessness and aimlessness is something no other feeling pulls off so effortlessly. When you're falling, you know that you're going to hit the ground hard, that it'll be a long and hard climb up, but in those strange, untouchable moments, none of that means anything.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDqQwIYNZB
You're just falling.
Hey Sara,
I can't believe that this isn't a joke, despite the fact that it is a well written letter. If it isn't then just say hi the next time you see me. I'd like to get to know you.
Isaac.
There's always a part of you that wants people to know your secrets. Or, at least, know that you have secrets.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNBeJ3gh3s
It's the way you might pause in a sentence, the way you might look at someone or something, the way you might smile to yourself at things no one should ever know.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wT8dc2092
Isaac doesn't smile a lot. But when he does, it's when he thinks no one else is watching; and it's just a faint curl of the lips, no teeth, but it's a true smile. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but for me, true smiles are contagious. I don't let him see my smile either.
Isaac,628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lfp22VHx7
I say hi to you every day.
You know, he never asked me about it. He might have tossed me a few strange looks, had a moments pause, but he never asked. He was considerate like that; it would be easier for both of us. But after that letter, he was more generous with the shine in his eyes, more giving with his goddamn awkward laugh, and I like to believe he did it because he cared for me. If you were to ask me now why I loved him, I would say it's because he cared. But that's me, lying again. I don't know what made him so beautiful - and that's why he was.
Hey Sara,
Thanks for saying hi. I've gotten to know you over the past few years and I just want to tell you that you're an amazing person. Things can't work out between us, but there are people out there who will feel for you what you feel for me. It'll take time, but you'll find someone who will love you better than me, and I'll be there with you all the way.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAthDJBi4E
I don't want this to come between us.628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaVoAvW0XY
Isaac
At the end of the year, graduation and all that shit, we told each other that we would keep in touch, that we would meet up, that we would still be best mates for the rest of our life. We didn't mean to lie. But after two years, we'd faded into the backdrops of each other's lives, footnotes that once seemed so important. The letters are folded and tied together in a drawer, his name and face still at the top of all my online friend lists, but I can never bring myself to give him a call or shout a text. What would I say? 'I love you?'628Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QEyv6ZI3V
No. That would be a lie.
