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Will never be enough
Will never be enough
Never Enough
Never Enough
*******
Her fingers shook as she lifted a dangly earring to her left lobe.
Shit, she cursed, missing her piercing and jabbing her ear hard.
It wasn’t her fault she could barely see through the haze of tears clouding her eyes. She sobbed, finally free to cry after she had sent Hana away from her dressing room. This should be the best day of her life, shouldn’t it?
I mean, she was marrying a fucking prince. A real one! As a bonus, Prince Liam was honestly one of the nicest people she had ever met. She felt a wave of nausea roll through her body as she steadied herself. Just a few months ago, she was a waitress struggling to pay rent month to month in New York. Now she was going to be the queen. Like an actual queen!
The feelings coursing through her were muddled: confusion, sadness, doubt, and the ever present guilt. She groaned, leaning down onto her vanity, her head resting on her forearms.
Did Cinderella ever feel like this? Even with everything – the outfit, the shoes, the jewelry, the prince – did it sometimes feel like it just wasn’t right when everything was right? Riley shot up when her phone buzzed loudly, breaking her thoughts.
A text from Drake.
She inhaled sharply, sliding her finger across the screen to unlock her phone. What if Cinderella had fallen in love with someone else… a stable boy, maybe. Or a driver. Or even just the prince’s best friend? She gulped. Would it still be the quintessential love story if that had happened? Could the prince actually be the wrong choice?
She blinked several times, trying to get her watery eyes to focus on what she was reading: Are you ok? They told me you sent Hana away a while ago.
That did it. Why couldn’t he be mean? Distant even? Why did he always, always have to show her that he was there for her, especially at times she wished she could hate him? A fat tear broke the barrier, and then she couldn’t stop herself from crying. A sob escaped her throat, as she put a hand over her mouth, trying to keep quiet.
She was the queen to be, a hundred guards were probably listening to this room at all times. She heard a hesitant knock behind her before the door creaked open.
Please, she thought, please let it be anyone, anyone but him.
She heard footsteps and the door close. The smell of pine and the woods invaded her senses. No such luck. She knew it was him before she turned around. He placed a hand tentatively on her shoulder.
“Brooks…?” his voice was a timid whisper. She could feel the concern in his voice and it made her angry. He had no right to feel that much concern when her own fiancé was clueless.
She whipped around, sadness and tears replaced by anger. “What? What Drake? What are you here to say to me now, damn it?”
If he was surprised by her sudden anger, he didn’t show it. He was looking down, his hands in his pockets. He looked up to her, finally making eye contact. The sadness in his eyes made her sigh, guilt bubbling in her stomach once again. How many people will you hurt, Riley?
Her breath hitched as she took him in. He was fully dressed, the perfect best man. His long hair was pushed back, a few pieces still stubbornly falling on his face. He was wearing a fitted charcoal grey suit with a thin black tie, accentuating how wide his muscular shoulders were. A single yellow rose was pinned to his lapel. He looked devastatingly, unfairly handsome.
She closed her eyes, trying to hold herself back from so many things: yelling at him, crying at him, and most importantly, from pulling him close and kissing that stupidly sad look off his face.
When she opened her eyes again, she noticed he was looking at her. “You look beautiful,” he breathed, his eyes moving down her dress before darting to the large engagement ring on her left ring finger. His shoulders slumped, almost imperceptibly.
“Thank you,” Riley looked down at her clothing, turning back towards the mirror. Her wedding dress was impossibly lacy, impossibly fitted and impossibly white. Lily-like lace spilled over her shoulders, her fitted bodice hugging her curves until below her knees, where the dress expanded with an exaggerated train. Her hair was up with loose tendrils framing her face, an official Cordonian crown shining gold amidst the thick darkness of her raven hair. She looked at her face in the mirror, trying to ignore Drake staring behind her. Shit.
Her perfect eyeliner was smudged, dripping down her eyes. This will be fun to explain to my makeup stylist. She tried to rub it off her cheeks gingerly, but just managed to make more of a mess. “Shit,” she said out loud this time.
“Here,” he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and dipped it in a glass of water, pulling her to him. He held her face with one hand and rubbed her cheek delicately. He ran his thumb over her face when he was done, his eyes meeting hers for a moment before he pulled away. “Good as new.”
She could feel her eyes welling up again. No, she thought angrily, not good as new. Her face tingled where his fingers had just been, she could feel unwelcome heat swelling inside her body. She shook her head, trying to snap out of it.
“What are you doing here, Drake?” her voice was cold and biting.
“I heard you crying. I just…wanted to make sure everything was ok.”
She looked at him hard, her eyes as cold as her voice, “You know damn well everything is not okay, Drake,” she hissed, “you know damn well this is a mistake. Tell me this is a mistake, Drake.”
His expression was unreadable. “Brooks, if my interactions with you bother you, I can leave. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize me being here was a mista—“
“No!” she interrupted, her hands went to fists at her sides, “No! Don’t! You can’t possibly be this stupid. You know damn well what I mean. This wedding, Drake. This marriage to Liam,” her anger subsided as she faced him and whispered, “It’s a mistake, Drake.”
They had tried to avoid anything doing anything that would hurt Liam. Drake’s loyalty shone through and through, he had pushed Riley away at every chance he had to be with her. Other than a few stolen moments, he had held strong, keeping her at arm’s length.
The sane part of Riley knew that she should give up, that he was making it clear nothing would happen between them. That’s why she had said yes to Liam. As a bonus, saying yes to Liam also meant that she didn’t have to break his heart – she never wanted that. So why did the prince’s best friend have such a hold on her?
Drake had never been obvious about his feelings, and Liam was incredibly obvious about his feelings to her. But somewhere…somewhere deep in her heart she knew she wasn’t making this up. She knew there was something between them, something inexplicable.
Then there was the unity tour. A stupid attempt to rally the Cordonian people, a royal wedding! How much every smile and wave had hurt her, made her feel like a fraud, made her want to run into Drake’s seemingly unwilling arms. All of it was a well-crafted lie, one she’d even tried to believe herself. But here, in the silence of morning, in front of Drake – this was real. These feelings were the truth.
Drake was looking at her, his eyes unwavering. She sighed, “You know it’s a mistake. I have to believe you do.”
He closed the distance between them in two long strides, pulling her face up and kissing her hard. His tongue found his way into her mouth and it searched her, learned her, pulled her in. His long fingers splayed on the small of her back, tugging her in closer to him. She moaned into his mouth, finally letting herself melt into him.
His face leaned down, lips running up and down her neck, kissing her along her shoulders, back up to her jaw. Riley was bewitched. She heard the sound and crescendo of an orchestra in her mind, it was indescribable, the release of months of tension. “Riley,” he breathed into her cheek, moving to kiss her lips again.
She pushed herself against him, gasping, wanting more, wanting all of him.
He held her steady with his arms, still wrapped around her waist. His hands moved up to cup her face, deepening the kiss for a minute before pulling away, his eyes searching hers.
“Good bye,” he whispered, turning to leave and shutting the door behind him abruptly.
The silence after he left was deafening. Riley stood still for a few moments, staring at the door behind him in shock. He was really gone. She crossed her arms over her middle, hunching over, feeling the heat behind her eyes again. How could she have been so foolish? Drake hadn’t kissed her to acquiesce, to take her away – he had kissed her to say good bye.
The thought of never seeing him again made Riley’s stomach hurt. But he’s made his decision. She walked back to her vanity, picking up the earring she hadn’t managed to get on before. Now it’s time to make mine.
********
He was finally at his room, breathing heavily. Since leaving Riley, he had been running the entire way. He glanced at his watch. The wedding was still hours away. Drake needed some courage before he could face Liam and tell him he couldn’t be there. He swallowed hard, rummaging through his things before finally coming across a bottle of whiskey Liam had given him for being best man. He ignored the irony and guilt in his stomach, opening the bottle and taking a deep gulp.
He had just done the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life. He turned down and ran away from the person he loved.
He took another few swigs before leaning back and lying on his bed. This was the right thing to do. Riley came here for Liam, and Liam deserved the world.
His best friend had saved him. When no one was there to help Drake, Liam was. How could he spit in his face, in the face of their friendship, and take away the woman he loved?
Guilt knotted through his stomach. Even kissing Riley was unforgivable, how could he have let it get so far? He closed his eyes, willing his jumbled mind to focus.
He remembered the taste of her lips, the way her neck curved with her hair pinned up…. And, as guilty as he felt, he knew if he had another chance, he’d have kissed her again and again. He’d never regret that choice.
He spent nearly an hour drinking, rehearsing what he’d say in his head, and hoping beyond all hope that Riley and Liam could find happiness. I’m the thorn in their side, the reason their relationship couldn’t flourish.
So he would run. So they could be happy, he would leave, and he would never come back.
********
Thoroughly buzzed, Drake knocked sharply on Liam’s door for just a moment before barging in. There he was, his best friend, sitting on a cushioned sofa. He was holding a golden crown that he placed to the side as he turned to face the door. “Drake?”
Drake felt his heart in his throat. Though this wouldn’t be as bad as saying good bye to Riley, this was probably the last time he’d see his best friend. His brother.
Ever.
“Liam,” he looked around nervously, “I need to talk to you. Please,” he held up his hands as Liam started to speak, “please let me finish.”
He closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at Liam when he said this, “I’m sorry. I…I have to go. I can’t be your best man. We both know I don’t belong there anyway, rubbing shoulders with all that royalty. I’ve been a thorn in your side since you took me in nearly a lifetime ago. It’s time for me to go, for good.”
He sighed, opening his eyes. “I’m sorry Liam. I hope you can forgive me in your heart. I hope whoever takes my place, whoever becomes your friend, is worthy of you like I couldn’t be.”
Drake exhaled. None of that had gone how he planned, but it was done. He looked at Liam, waiting for a response.
Liam looked concerned and thoughtful. “Drake…do you… do you love Lady Riley?”
Drake inhaled sharply. He was not expecting this.
“I….. what?”
Liam sighed, smiling sadly. He pointed to the crown on the sofa beside him. “Well, Lady Riley just gave me a near identical speech. Telling me she couldn’t go to the wedding, telling me she had to go and never come back.”
Drake sat down on the sofa beside Liam quickly, feeling his legs shake a little. “What?”
Liam looked tired, “It hurts, I won’t lie. But…” he paused, looking thoughtful, “but I don’t think I felt quite as sad as you just looked.”
Drake was still silent, staring straight ahead. Liam continued, “If I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure what exactly I felt for Lady Riley. She’s beautiful, kind, smart, funny….. but despite my ego being a bit bruised, I find myself surprisingly relieved, to be honest. Maybe it wasn’t love, maybe I don’t know what love is.”
Liam shrugged, sinking back into the sofa.
“Where is she, Liam?” Drakes voice was soft but urgent. The prince’s eyes widened in realization.
The corners of Liam’s mouth pulled up into a small smile. “I don’t know, my friend. I’m willing to bet you do, though. You should probably go find her.” He nodded knowingly.
Drake put his hand on Liam’s shoulder. “Are you…”
“Sure? Yes. I should have seen it. She’s perfect for you. She puts you in your place. She challenges you. She’s down to earth.” Liam laughed, shaking his head, “and she looked just as sad as you did when she left just 15 minutes ago.”
“Liam, I…” Drake smiled, barely.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see it,” Liam sighed, “I guess I was a bit busier being a prince than a friend. Go get her, Drake. Go. Just please come back at some point. ”
Drake nodded, walking in quick clipped steps out of the palace, breaking out into a run as he got outside.
*******
He didn’t know where he was going, but if the cool Cordonian breeze was the wind on his back, Liam’s acceptance was the breath in his lungs. He had newfound stamina, and he wasn’t going to stop until he found her.
His legs pumped, hitting the pavement over and over. He ran past neighborhoods, streets he knew, restaurants he had gone to with Liam. Everything was filtered sepia by his feelings, everything was beautiful, but everything was urgent.
He ran for miles before he had to stop, breathing heavily. He leaned over, feeling the burn running through the length of his legs. He looked up.
The beach.
He cursed internally. What the hell was he doing here?
Sighing, he took his formal shoes off and walked in the sand. At least I can think here, figure out what my next move is.
As he sauntered towards the water, his tired legs sinking in the sand, he stopped dead in his tracks.
A vision in white, she sat at the edge of a low dock, only 10 feet away from him. She had hiked up her dress, feet dangled over the edge, her toes skimming the water. Her hair was down now, loose curls swaying in the sea breeze.
“Riley…” his voice was soft, but traveled far in the wind like a whisper.
She turned to look at him, her eyes red with tears, widening in shock. “Drake?” She stood up abruptly, her dress falling back to her bare feet, to face him.
He found the strength to run to her, his hand softly grazing her cheek as they met. “You said no to Liam…for me?” it was half hope, half incredulous.
Riley sighed, pushing Drake away.
“I said no to Liam for me,” she corrected. She looked irritated. “I said no for me because I’m in love with you. I couldn’t do that to myself. And though I wish I had better timing, I couldn’t do that to Liam, either.”
Her shoulders slumped over as she started to turn away. “You made your answer clear, though. If you’re here to beg me to reconsider Liam, save your breath. I’ve made my decision.” She looked out towards the ocean, her back to him, the breeze lifting the clean scent of shampoo in her hair to Drake’s nostrils.
She loves me.
Never in his wildest dreams had he allowed to think this could happen. Sure, thick as he could be, even he could tell that Riley cared for him…but love?
His moved closer to her, hands resting on her hips, his front to her back. He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, her shoulder, her neck, her cheek. She turned around to look at him, her eyes wide.
“What does this mean, Drake?”
He groaned, unable to keep his hands off her, even when there were important discussions to be had. He pulled her close to him, kissing her lips softly, his hands running up and down her sides. She melted into him again, deepening the kiss, her eyes closed. He pulled away reluctantly, breathing heavily.
“It means…. God, Riley, I don’t even know. Every fiber in my body wants you, needs you, loves you,” he leaned down to kiss her again, “and my heart can barely handle even considering you feel the same.”
Her arms went around him, squeezing firmly, her face buried in his chest as she let out a long sigh. “I knew it. I knew it couldn’t just be in my head.” She looked up at him, a shy smile on her face.
He closed his eyes, his lips turned downward. “Brooks…. Are you sure? I know I sound like a broken record but, you’d never want for anything with Liam. Neither would your kids. Or your kid’s kids.”
Riley rolled her eyes. “I swear, Walker, this is the last time I’m going to tell you. Yes. Yes I’m damn sure,” she glared at him before continuing, “or I sure as hell wouldn’t have called off a royal wedding.”
He leaned down and kissed her again and again. The feelings in his body were overwhelming, he couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry, or laugh, or scream. “I love you, Brooks,” he whispered, “I love you so damn much. When I saw you in that dress… I wanted to be the one to marry you and have you, forever.”
Riley stiffened in his arms.
Shit, he thought, have I gone too far? We haven’t really dated, only kissed a few times, and…definitely haven’t consummated our relationship.
She looked at him, the brightness of her eyes overwhelming as she searched his. “What?”
He gulped.
He could tell her he had gotten carried away. He could tell her he meant in the future – far in the future. But as he looked down at her, her eyes expectant, wearing that white dress…he knew he couldn’t lie.
“Riley,” he breathed, “I’m sorry if it’s too fast, but honestly…. it’s kind of felt like a lifetime of hiding my feelings. Yeah, I want to marry you. It’s not like I’m proposing now, but….”
She bit her lip, pausing only for a second before she leaned up to kiss him softly. Pushing him away, she grabbed her skirt to lean down, getting solidly on one knee. She took his hand and squeezed it lightly. Thinking she had stumbled, he tried to pull her back up, but she shook her head. His eyes widened in confusion.
“Drake Walker,” she whispered, looking into his deep brown eyes, “I know nothing about this is normal, so I’m just leaning into it. I was engaged to your best friend. We’ve barely kissed. But…” she trailed off, her face breaking out into a smile, “I love you, Drake Walker. I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.”
His eyes widened again, before she saw the corners of his mouth tug up into a small smile.
“Even though I had my suspicions that there was something here, I said yes to Liam because some part of me thought you didn’t want me. And if I was here in Cordonia, even if I was with Liam, I knew I’d still be able to see you. But ultimately, none of it was enough, Drake. None of the titles, or money, or beautiful parties…. without you, it was never enough.”
Riley wasn’t sure, but she could almost swear Drake’s eyes were a bit shinier than before. “So I say now, Mr. Walker…. will you marry me?”
He pulled her up into a fervent kiss, smashing his body against hers, lifting her off her feet. “It would be my honor, Lady Riley,” he whispered breathlessly, “whenever, however, and wherever you want.”
“Well, how about now?” she grinned, “I mean, I am wearing a white dress.”
*******
They called a cab from the beach and were at the courthouse within minutes.
The wedding was short and sweet, just like their courtship. They called up Savannah to be the witness, and got married in a courtroom with a dozen other soon-to-be married couples. They were overdressed in their royal-wedding attire, but didn’t care.
When Drake dipped Riley down and kissed her after they were announced as man and wife, the room erupted in cheers. As they waved good bye to Savannah and Bartie, Drake and Riley walked hand in hand outside of the city hall. “What next, Walker?” he whispered, kissing her on the cheek.
The sound of her new name sent shivers down her spine. She smiled, “Well, going back to the palace isn’t a great option…. maybe a hotel room?” She looked up into his eyes to gauge a reaction, longing flashing through them like a fleeting blaze.
He nodded, walking away to make a call for a reservation. They hailed a cab, sliding into the back as Drake whispered the name of the hotel to the driver so Riley couldn’t hear. “A surprise, eh?” she punched him lightly on the shoulder.
“You’ll just have to see, won’t you?” he chuckled.
Leaning back into the seat next to her, he pulled Riley close. She leaned up to give him a small peck on the cheek just as he turned to face her, deliberately making sure she found his mouth instead. His soft lips sent an ache through her body, as she tried to pull away. Instead, his fingers moved to her jaw, pulling her in deeper. His lips moved on hers feather light, his tongue finding his way into her slightly parted mouth. She turned her body to face him fully, his free hand running lightly over her thigh.
Every few seconds, Riley would push in to him, wanting desperately to kiss him messily, for her hands to be all over him, but he held back. His slow, soft, deliberate kisses were almost impossible to handle. Her hands trembled as she grasped his biceps, squeezing with each movement of his tongue inside of her.
The cab driver cleared his throat. Drake pulled away slowly, reaching into his pocket and handed the driver some cash before they scooted out of the back. Normally, Riley would have been a little embarrassed by such a public display, but she felt almost drunk with the intensity of their backseat make out. Drake squeezed her hand and led her towards the hotel, and she gasped. It was basically a series of treehouses at the edge of the city, small bungalows perched securely at the top of tall, thick trees. She could feel the threat of tears. This was the most Drake place for them to be, and that made it perfect. As he checked them in at reception, she wondered absentmindedly if coming back here on their anniversary would become a Walker family tradition.
As they walked up to their room and opened the door, Riley smiled. It was rustic but chic, fluffy white pillows in a sea of dark woods and green. The soft lights of a chandelier made of branches illuminated the room dimly, casting long, spindly shadows over the bed. Riley heard Drake close the door behind them.
“This is beautiful,” she whispered.
Drakes arms wrapped around her waist from behind, the scratch of his stubble going down her neck until he kissed her shoulder. She gasped as his hand ran tightly down the front of her body to between her thighs. They had never gotten quite this far before. His fingers rubbed her hard over her clothes, his mouth working its way up the back of her neck.
“Is this ok?” he mumbled into her ear before sucking the lobe lightly.
Riley nodded, not able to find her voice with the overwhelming feelings going through her body. It was happening, really happening. Sex for the first time on their wedding night, the only traditional thing about their relationship. She silently prayed that they’d be compatible, though early signs were pointing to a definitive yes.
He pulled away, slowly undoing the small hooks at the back of her dress, kissing each part of newly bared skin as it slid down her bare shoulders. As her dress fell with a flourish to the floor, Riley stepped out of it, turning to face Drake. His eyes ran down her body with a startling combination of lust and love.
“Brooks,” he inhaled sharply.
Riley blushed at the intensity of his gaze. Hana had been right to suggest the light blue bra and panty lace combo, she could see Drake’s eyes running down her body.
“Walker,” she corrected. With that, he lifted her and placed her on the bed, climbing on top, his weight supported by his forearms around her.
He kissed her deeply as she arched her body into him, ready. Months of him pulling away from her, telling her no, thinking of him through lonely nights….. she was ready.
She hastily helped him pull his clothes off, marveling at him while her eyes ran down the length of his body, broad shouldered and taut muscled. He moved a hand down to feel her, running his fingers between her thighs. He groaned. “You’re so damn wet, Riley.”
She pushed against his fingers, wanting nothing more than to have him buried deep inside of her. “You have that effect on me, Walker.”
He started to kiss her neck, his 5 o’clock shadow leaving red trails as it rubbed against her body. “No,” she gasped, exasperated, “I want you. All of you. Now.”
Drake’s eyes darkened with desire. Unspoken between them, they both knew there was a lifetime to take it slow. Right now wasn’t that time. “As you wish.”
Taking only a second to position himself, he pushed into Riley slowly, moaning as the length of him was finally inside of her “Fuck. Fuck.”
And then he moved in her, slowly at first, always careful and gentle. His pace increased, goaded on by Riley’s long fingernails scratching his shoulders. “Faster,” she begged, and he obliged.
Within seconds they were moving erratically against one another, Riley pushing against him as he drove into her, his lips everywhere as he called out her name repeatedly. “I can’t…. God, you’re so hot, I feel so unbelievably close,” he breathed.
The admission lit a fire in Riley, and she came hard, months of frustration released in one fell swoop. She arched hard against him and groaned his name. He followed with a shudder, filling her completely with himself, his eyes closed in release.
Riley could feel herself smiling. Apparently, sex wasn’t going to be an issue for them. She kissed him softly on the jaw as he pulled out of her. After cleaning himself and her up, he crawled into bed, pulling her against him.
“I love you, Mrs. Walker,” he whispered in her ear, kissing it lightly before closing his eyes and leaning back.
“And I love you,” she giggled. She wondered if the novelty of being Mrs. Walker would ever wear off. “Can you believe I was…I was getting married to Liam this morning?”
His eyes popped open. He sighed. “Really? That feels like month ago. We’ll have to have some tough conversations in the morning, but for now…” he pulled her onto his chest, her head leaning on the crook of his arm, “….this is exactly where I want to be.”
She smiled. “Me too, Drake. Me too.”
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