It's a curse. It really is. And, candidly, I'm fucking tired of it.
All my life, I've been an especially sensetive empath; some people claim it as a trait like it's a good thing or something. Maybe for them. Definitely not for me. In my teen years, I seemed to spend so much time dealing with other people's issues on top of my own. It got to the point where I finally decided to just shut it all off.
It's sort of liberating, actually, taking emotion out of everything. When it comes time to make a serious life decision, it's very easy for me because I know how to remove my feelings from the situation in a split second. I tend to be able to make these split second technical decisions at work as well, where I'm often put in dangerous situations with no warning.
It has it's downsides, though. I can think of several instances in the last few months where I've held someone very, very close to me while they sobbed uncontrollably; I had to pretend to be sad. I had to fake it. I hate myself for that.
But then again, I dont. I can just turn that off, too.
Problem is, I'm so we'll practiced at this process that it seems I can't feel happiness for anyone, either. A very close friend of mine was very recently engaged; I slapped on my best fake smile and congradulationed them, but I couldn't feel any genuine happiness.
I hate myself for that, too. But I don't. Can't. Whatever.
I spend twelve hours a day around people who have recently made attempts on their own lives. I spend that time with people who have chronic depression. People who are abused. People who are broken. Once upon a time, I could feel what the people feel. I might even be able to use the experience to help them.
Not anymore.
I'm just... done. Is that okay?
There is only one way I can feel anymore: I can write. I can create feelings. Though my emotions are a lie, my words are honest. That's my only hope at this point, isn't it? I can still offer genuine advice. I can still express myself. I simply have to use my pen as a crutch, I suppose...
(This was written just a little bit after dealing with someone high out of their mind on bath salts. Please excuse the bitterness...)461Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡun5DvJzW6R
