"Banner, do you know that you're the best big brother in the entire universe and that I love you dearly?"
I resist the urge to laugh as I stare into my bowl of chocolate chip cookie cereal drowned in chocolate milk—not the most healthiest option ever but certainly more delicious than the egg whites and fruit (because apparently turkey sausage is 'too fattening') that I'm forcing Kelsie to eat.
"What do you want?" I deadpan, shoveling another spoonful of cereal and milk into my mouth.
"Can I please spend tonight with some friends?" She begs with a desperate puppy dog face.
"No," I bluntly reply, wiping milk from my chin with the back of my hand.
"Why not?" She whines. "Do you not trust me or something?"
"It's not you that I don't trust you, Kels. I trust you better than myself sometimes," I sigh, mumbling the last sentence under my breath
"Well, then, why can't I go?"
"I don't trust other people. For all I know, you'll go out and surround yourself with drugs, alcohol, and sex."
She wrinkles her nose in disgust.
"Sounds like something you'd do."
I shoot her a 'not impressed' look. She innocently grins at me.
"Look at it this way: if you let me hang out with some friends, you can go out and celebrate however you want to," She points out.
"What makes you think I want to celebrate?" I shoot back.
"Who doesn't want to celebrate the New Year?" She snorts.
I glance down at my bowl, frowning when I realize that I've already ate all of the cereal. With a shrug, I bring the rim of the bowl to my mouth and tip it, slurping the remainder of the sugary, chocolate milk. When finished, I loudly set the bowl back on the table and wipe the back of my hand against my mouth. Kelsie flashes me a disgusted look.
"What?"
She shakes her head. There's a peaceful pause before she breaks it by releasing one of her famous squeals. I raise an eyebrow in silent questioning.
"If you go out tonight-since it's New Years Eve-you can kiss a girl at midnight!"
"One problem: I don't have a girlfriend," I remind.
"You can kiss a random girl."
"One: that sounds extremely cliché, in my opinion. Two: I'd rather not get slapped by a girl. Three: I'd prefer not to have my face broken by some protective boyfriend. Four: I-"
"Okay, okay! Bad idea, I get it," She grumbles, her gaze lowered to her barely touched breakfast.
"It wasn't a bad idea," I reassure.
"I was just thinking..."
"Just thinking what?"
She raises her gaze to meet mine.
"If today was your last day, tomorrow was too late, wouldn't you want to savour it and live carefree?"
"You sound like that Nickelback song," I observe, silently pondering what she's telling me.
She smirks.
"And would you find that one you're dreaming of? Swear up and down to God above that you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?" She sings.
"I will not be falling in love on New Years Eve; that I can promise you."
"You never know," She chimes.
"What if I do and, when I introduce you, she hates you?"
"What if you do, and the girl loves me?"
"What if the girl is boring or rude or disgusting?"
"What if she's totally epic?"
"Like Demi Lovato?" I tease.
"At least you admit that Demi Lovato is totally epic," She smirks. "And, no offense, Banner, but Demi is way out of your league," She informs, emphasizing 'way'.
I raise my eyebrows.
"If you were able to get Demi Lovato to fall in love with you, I'd buy you a monkey," She says with a straight face, yet I can see the corners of her mouth quirk upwards as she resists the urge to laugh.
"I've always wanted a monkey, but they're illegal to have as a house pet," I feign a pout.
She laughs.
"My point exactly. It's impossible to make Demi Lovato fall in love with you; therefore, you will thankfully never be getting a monkey."
"It's not impossible," I defend.
She shoots me a 'you have got to be kidding me' look.
"You honestly think that Demi Lovato will fall in love with a guy like you?"
"A guy like me?" I smirk with a raised eyebrow.
"And that's my cue to leave," She says, before bolting out of her seat.
I lunge for her as she passes my chair, successfully grabbing her around her waist. I mercilessly begin to tickle her.
"What do you mean a guy like me?" I joke as she laughs breathlessly.
"S-Stop B-Banner!"
I chuckle before releasing her. She breathes heavily, desperately trying to catch her breath.
"You should know better than to try to insult me," I stick my tongue out at her.
She rolls her eyes.
"So, now can I go out with some friends?"
I bit my lower lip thoughtfully. I want her to be safe, but I also want her to have fun for once.
"Sure," I reluctantly sigh.
She squeals and hugs me.
"But-"
"I should've known," She mutters, breaking our embrace.
"You have to eat all of your breakfast and not purge it up."
Her eyes widen, fear evident in her expression.
"I-I can't, Banner."
"Yes, you can," I reassure, placing my palm on the small of her back and leading her to her awaiting plate.
She forcibly slumps down in the chair, crossing her arms across her chest. She releases an irritated breath. I reclaim the chair across from her, watching her with hopeful eyes.
"I'm not some animal in a zoo, Banner!" She snaps.
I take no offense to her words, and I don't blame her. I'm basically forcing her to conquer her most greatest fear: food. She picks up her fork with a shaking hand and shovels her eggs around.
"So many eggs; so many calories," She mumbles more to herself than to me.
I frown sympathetically before rising to my feet. Kelsie doesn't even look up. I snatch our family radio off of the kitchen counter and plug it up in the outlet behind my chair in the dining room. I open the CD flap and grin when I see one of Kelsie's CDs that I've burned for her. I've burned her several CDs with many inspirational songs; basically the CDs are like playlists to keep her strong. I close the flap, turn the radio on, and press 'play'.
"I stare at my reflection in the mirror.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error.
I nearly left the real me on the shelf,
no, no, no, no, no,no"
I recall one time hearing Kelsie sing this song in her room. She changed the lyrics, though. Instead of saying 'tiny' and 'nearly' she said 'huge' and 'I've already'. I turn back around to find her mouthing the lyrics, thick tears rolling down her cheeks. I walk behind her and wrap my arms around her shoulders.
"Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving; dreaming is believing.
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing.
Everybody's bruising.
Just be true to who you are," I whisper into her ear.
I stop the CD before the next song can begin to play.
"At least eat all of the fruit," I plead, wanting her to eat something because anything is better than nothing.
Over an hour later, Kelsie has finished nine strawberries, three chunks of cantaloupe, and-much to my surprise- three forkfuls of eggs.
"I'm proud of you," I praise.
She flashes me a weak, watery smile.
"Now what do you want to do?" I question, trying to divert her mind from the digesting food in her stomach.
She shifts her gaze to the table top where her hands are clasped, thumbs fiddling together. I know that she wants to purge, but I can't let her do that to herself.
"How about we watch some of Demi's funny moments on YouTube?" I suggest.
Her eyes light up as she grins.
"I'll take that as a yes," I chuckle.
She rises from her chair and pushes it back underneath the table. I lead her to the living room where we have our Xbox connected to the television. We wait in silence as the app loads. I notice how Kelsie seems to be in a whole different world. I wish I could I read her mind, but I don't know if I'd be able to handle what I'd find. When the app finally loads, I type 'Demi Lovato funny' in the search box and wait while the results load.
"Kels, which video do you wanna watch first?" I question.
She doesn't reply. I glance at her, sighing when I realize that she's staring blankly ahead. I gently nudge her shoulder with my own. She blinks rapidly, her eyes regaining focus on reality.
"Which video?" I repeat, gesturing toward the television with my controller.
"The first one," she mumbles, not even considering her options.
"Are you married?" Paulina questions a creepy looking X-Factor contestant.
"I am single," the contestant replies.
"Have you ever been married?" Simon wonders.
"No, I haven't," the male contestant responds.
"Why?"
"I just haven't found the right girl yet."
"Okay, I know how you feel," Simon says with a chuckle while nodding.
Laughs erupt from the audience and other judges.
"Hear that ladies?" Demi jokes, partially turning towards the audience.
I lose count of how many videos Kelsie and I watch. When I'm sure that three hours have passed-meaning that all of Kelsie's food has fully digested-I pause the currently playing video.
"How about you go get ready for tonight, and I'll do the same?" I suggest, knowing it takes Kelsie hours to get ready.
She keenly nods, her face red from laughing so much at the videos. I smile as she makes her way to her room, a bounce seeming to be in her steps. With a content sigh, I shut off the Xbox and turn off the television before heading to my own room. Sprawling out on my back across my bed, I think about what Kelsie said earlier. Should I go out and celebrate the New Year like most young adults my age do? Should I go to a club or something? After being diagnosed with cancer and being stamped with a nearing expiration date, I have been telling myself that I need to live more carefree, as if every moment were my last, and I have always wanted to kiss a girl at midnight on New Years Eve. Making my decision, I remove my phone from it's charger. I search the internet for a night club in the area, which isn't really difficult to find considering we live near Los Angeles. I hear the shower turn on as I find a nice looking, exclusive club. It's a bit pricey, but I'm only able to do this once in my life. Plugging my phone back up to it's charger, I lay on my back with my hands folded behind my head. I close my eyes and hum along to Kelsie's voice floating above the spray of the shower.
I awake to someone shaking my shoulder. I peel my eyes open, feeling more exhausted than before I fell asleep.
"I'm leaving now, Banner," Kelsie informs.
"Where are you going?" I yawn.
"Out with some friends, remember? One of my friend's mom is picking everybody up," She explains. "I'll see you later."
She kisses my cheek, causing me to roll my eyes and claw at my cheek with a fake, disgusted expression. She giggles before turning and heading for my bedroom door. With a small wave, she exits my room, and I hear the front door shut moments later. I sigh tiredly before rising to a sitting position, my feet dangling off the side of my bed.
"Fuck cancer," I mutter, dragging both of my hands down my face.
With another yawn, I glance at the time on my phone.
"Time to get ready," I groan, rising to my feet.
I enter the bathroom, strip, and turn on the water for a quick shower. The steaming water awakens my senses. When finished with my shower, I shut off the water and step out, wrapping a red towel around my waist. I dry my hair by ruffling it with a white towel, before hooking the white towel over the shower curtain rod. Entering my bedroom, I head to my dresser and closet. I decide to wear a grey tee shirt and slightly worn, blue jeans with a red and navy blue, plaid button-up over my tee shirt. I yank a brown belt through the loops on my jeans and lace up a pair of brown boots. I return to the bathroom and hook the red towel over the shower curtain rod, just like I did with the white one. Critiquing my reflection in the mirror, I lazily run my fingers through my hair. With a satisfied smirk, I grab my phone, wallet, and car keys before exiting my house, locking the door behind me.
I park a couple of blocks away from the club because there are no closer options; all of the parking spaces at the club and closer surrounding facilities are full. As I walk nearer to the building, I can already begin to hear the pounding bass and buzzing chatter. The line thankfully moves rather quickly. I flash the expressionless bouncer my I.D. and suppress a grin when he let's me through. I pay when inside. The music is much louder, and the stench of sweat and alcohol mingle together. The lighting is like a blacklight, but various colorful strobe lights shine down. I make my way to the bar. The counter is glass and see through, but inside the counter are strings of blue lights. In my opinion, it looks really awesome. I claim one of the bar stool seats, placing my elbows onto the smooth glass.
"What'll it be?" the bartender asks.
"One sprite."
"Just sprite?" He assures with an arched eyebrow.
"Just sprite," I confirm.
He looks at me oddly before proceeding to prepare my drink. I guess they don't get many people in here that don't want to get completely wasted. I would if I didn't have to drive myself home and worry about Kelsie. He sets a glass full of the bubbly, carbonated soft drink in front of me.
"Thanks," I mutter, sliding him a couple of dollar bills.
I spin the chair around, so I can watch the crowd. As I sip my drink, I think about what Kelsie told me earlier. Should I risk kissing a girl at midnight? If so, who should I kiss? My eyes comb through the crowd, noticing the girls who are being watched protectively by guys. The ones are aren't seem to all be drunk beyond ability to kiss. I sigh, realizing that I probably should've thought this through. I guess this is what I get for listening to a fourteen year old.
"One diet coke, please. But can I have it in a shot glass?" a sweet, melodic voice inquires.
I turn to my left, now seeing that the previously empty chair has been claimed. I fully turn my chair back around, so I'm facing the bar again.
"Thanks," she chirps.
I curiously gaze at her through my peripheral vision. Even though she's indoors, she wears large, brown sunglasses. Maybe it's the lighting playing tricks on my eyes, but I swear her hair, slicked back into a high ponytail, is blue. Her plump lips, in contrast to her blue hair and creamy, porcelain skin, are a bright red color.
"Take a picture, it'll last longer," she smirks before throwing back her shot.
She carelessly sets the now empty glass back on the counter, causing it to spin. She stops it with her index finger, her manicured, black nail perched over the rim of the glass.
"You seem like a pro with that shot glass," I chuckle, only partially joking.
"You could say that," she says, tracing the rim of the glass.
"Do you drink?" I question, recalling that she ordered soda instead of alcohol.
"Not anymore," She replies, only peaking my curiosity, but I remain quiet, my mind swirling with questions. "You?"
"Sometimes," I answer. "But this is Sprite," I add in a rush, not wanting her to get the wrong idea or anything.
Her laugh is high-pitched, slightly squeaky, and very infectious. I find myself grinning like an idiot.
"I assumed that, but I wouldn't have judged you if it was alcohol," She reassures, her laughter dying. "You got a name?" She smiles.
"Banner," I reply, jokingly sticking out my hand.
"Demetria," she smiles, shaking my hand.
Kelsie pops into my head, and I resist the urge to laugh. I remember her informing me that Demi's birth name is Demetria. What are the chances that I meet a girl with the same first name and hair color as Kelsie's idol? I mentally laugh, creating a mental note to tell Kelsie all about this.
"Why are you laughing?"
I guess it wasn't mentally.
"No reason. You just-," I pause, shaking my head. "You just remind me of someone."
"I guess I just have one of those faces."
We order refills of our sodas and chat about random topics until a loud, screeching noise rings out through the building.
"It's feedback from a microphone!" Demetria yells over the noise, her hands held against her ears.
I'm about to ask her how she knows that when the noise finally ceases. I breathe a sigh of relief, removing my hands from my ears.
"Sorry about that, everyone," A masculine voice apologizes.
I turn my chair around to find a guy standing on the stage, microphone in hand. I guess Demetria was right.
"Just wanted to let you all know that there's a minute till midnight. The ball dropping will be playing on the television behind me. Hope you all are having a great time, and I wish you all a Happy New Year!" He yells, provoking whoops, cheers, and whistles from the crowd.
The television screen lights up as live video feed from Time Square shows. As the clock dwindles down, I bite my lower lip, contemplating on what I should do. Making my decision, I turn towards Demetria.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I inquire.
"No," she replies, hesitating slightly.
Her hesitation worries me, but it's not like I have anything left to lose. I'm gonna die anyway, so I might as well kiss a gorgeous girl before I go.
"Have you ever kissed a guy at midnight?"
"Sadly, no," She responds with a slight pouting smile.
"Ten!"
Should I kiss her?
"Nine!"
Is it crazy that I want to?
"Eight!"
What if she has a boyfriend?"
"Seven!"
What if she doesn't want me to kiss her?
"Six!"
Will I ever see her again?
"Five!"
Why do I care if I'll see her again?
"Four!"
Do I want to see her again?
"Three!"
I shouldn't kiss her.
"Two!"
I want to kiss her.
"One! Happy New Year!"
Shutting down my thoughts, I crash my lips to hers. When she doesn't respond at all, I start to feel sick to my stomach. I knew this was a bad idea. Then, much to my surprise, she kisses me back. Her lips are soft and sweet, tasting oddly of mangos. The kiss is even sweeter, as cheesy as that sounds. It's slow but slightly urgent at the same time. It's indescribable and wonderful and amazing. It's the first kiss. It's flawless, really something. It's fearless. Yes, I just quoted Taylor Swift. Don't judge me; it seemed kind of appropriate. She licks my bottom lip, and I grant her access to let our tongues fight for dominance. We pull away at the same time, both breathing quite heavily. I'm about to say something when my phone chimes. I fish it out of my pocket, noticing that I have a new text message from Kelsie.
To: Banner
From: Kelsie
help me
My eyes widen as worry pierces me. My brain starts conjuring up worse case scenarios. I immediately type a quick message.
To: Kelsie
From: Banner
what's wrong
"I'm sorry, Demetria, but I have to go," I inform apologetically and reluctantly, knowing that Kelsie needs me.
"Me, too," she says. "This was fun," She smiles.
"It was," I agree.
I wave 'goodbye', and she returns the wave. I rise from my seat as she does the same. I start pushing my way through the crowd.
"Wait!" I call out, whirling back around to her. "Will I ever see you again, Demetria?" I warily question, not even sure why I'm asking.
"I don't know, but, if you do, call me 'Demi'," She grins before drowning herself in the crowd.
I sigh, shaking my head before pushing through the crowd to one of the exits. When outside, I gulp mouthfuls of the fresh air, not realizing until now how suffocating being in the club with so many bodies was. I hastily check my phone, cursing when I realize that Kelsie hasn't responded. I jog to my car and hurriedly start it. I send another quick message to Kelsie.
To: Kelsie
From: Banner
where RU?
I set my phone in the cupholder and peel out of the small parking lot. My phone chimes moments later.
To: Banner
From: Kelsie
home
I speed home, going above the speed limit in some areas.
"Kelsie!" I exclaim, opening the front door and locking it behind me. "Kels!"
Noticing that she's not in the living room, I hurry to her room. Upon opening the door, the first thing I hear is music. It's familiar, but I can't place it. The first thing I see is Kelsie standing, wearing nothing but her undergarments, in front of her full length, body mirror. She stares at her reflection, black mascara streaming down her cheeks. Beside her is a small, folding table. I inhale sharply as I see what's on the table: two blades, three bottles of pills, a roll of gauze, medical tape, some ointment that I think prevents infection of cuts, and a butcher knife.
"Kelsie," I quietly croak, my voice cracking from tears that yearn to fall.
I blink rapidly.
"So, now for restless mind, I could go either way," She softly sings to the music, her hands running over her abdomen, pinching slightly. "So, now for restless mind, I could go either way."
I slowly move closer to her.
"She used to look in the mirror and cry,
Looking back at her was a girl twice her size...
Distorted, self-perceptive view through her eyes,
Enhanced furthermore by the media lies.
Reality's perception, Perception pre-defined.
Weight loss encouraged and even glorified.
MTV is brainwashing our children,
Visually and sociologically,
With a fake size zero philosophy.
An ideology that you've gotta be thin,
To appear in any program on that station,
And that's the reason she don't watch TV,
'Cause she's scared of the person who she might be.
Afraid to admit that she's dealing with...
Anorexia nervosa. And she denies it...
She says she doesn't have a problem. But she's lying."
I recognize the song now: Genevieve by Outcast Youth. I unplug the radio, then make my way over to Kelsie. I remove her hands from her abdomen.
"So, now for restless mind, I could go either way," she murmurs in a dazed looking state.
"What happened, Kelsie?"
"So, now for restless mind, I could go either way."
I gently spin her around to face me. I nudge her head up with my fingers. Her eyes are glazed over and unfocused.
"Kelsie, can you hear me?"
"So, now for restless mind, I could go either way."
Before I can react, she lunges for the table. She grabs one of the blades and raises it above her wrist. I tightly grip the hand that holds the blade.
"Drop it, Kelsie!"
She fights against me, but I'm much stronger than her. She drops the blade and collapses into a sobbing heap. I cautiously pick up the blade and slide it into my pocket. I then wrap my arms around Kelsie and lift her up. I gently lay her down on her bed. She clings to my shirt, her loud cries feeling like knives in my heart.
"Banner!" She screams, acting as if I'm about to leave.
"I'm here, Kelsie," I reassure, crawling onto her bed and cradling her in my arms.
"Banner," she whimpers.
"I'm never going to leave you, Kels," I murmur in her ear, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"I need help, Banner," she whispers.
"I know."
"I need help, Banner," she repeats.
I shush her, stroking her head and hair. Although I know she needs professional help, there's no way I can afford it. Plus, even if I could afford it, I don't even know how to choose a facility for her nor do I think I'd be able to bare seeing her go, knowing that I'd be the one sending her to her own Hell. Kelsie's breathing eventually slows, and I know that she's finally fallen asleep. I easily get up, barely moving her. I flush all of the blades and pills, not wanting to take any risks. I bury the tape, gauze, ointment, and knife deep within my closet. I return to Kelsie's room, making myself comfortable on her bed. I wrap my arms around her. I glance around her room, willing my thoughts to stop racing. One of Kelsie's posters of Demi Lovato's smiling face is the last thing I see before I surrender my body to a much needed sleep.
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