Okay, before I post it, I would like input on which version works best or if you think a combination of the changes should be done. Due to this coronavirus thing and my OCD with other problems in my head, I've read back over Chapter 1 and became fearful it wasn't good enough. So, here we are. Any comments giving feedback are greatly welcomed! ^_^ (I'll try bolding the sections in both versions. Version 1 bolds to show what will be changed in Version 2 and Version 2 to make it easier to locate for comparisons)
Version 1:
Chapter 1: Final Preparations754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZjcxIKzS2
“There are many creatures living in the magical realm of Aphelia. Demons, humans, half-breeds, mixed-breeds, and beings that in your world are nothing more than myth. It’s a world overflowing with both magic and science. To best describe it and it's nine different regions, would be to visualize a world gripped by old magics and new technology. Some places favor magic as others favor technology, whereas yet others combine the two into something astounding. Each region has a unique trait gifted by the Gods and Goddesses. As for this one, Arios, the lands are all held aloft by eternal tornadoes. In Aphelia, each village, town, city, city-state, country and so on has chosen their own way of life and those who agreed joined. Thus a variety of settlements flourished. Travel between settlements and regions are fairly cheap, and thus they and their children are free to live wherever they wish.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOZ7CXDsUq
“For most, feelings from the past can diminish and move on over time. For others, these feelings linger and fester, even when the targets of those feelings have long since forgotten. So by the end, what comes of this longing, jealousy, anger and hate?”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifUCKHhxkB
754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HU8QaCk46
“Pick up the pace!” loudly barked a tall humanoid, hooded lizard-like demon while he made his way up the tightly pressed gravel drive. His slit yellow eyes glared to the left and right at the simple dressed workers. Out of all the archipelagos in this region, we just had to get these useless hunks of flesh from those traders, he thought with a disgusted tone, sliding his scaly hand over his bald, similarly scaly yellowish-green head.
His gaze took in the size and beauty of a fairly large mansion he was coming up on. The smooth cobblestone facade gleamed in the afternoon sunlight. He smiled as its lighter coloring contrasted fluidly with the darkened drive. His eyes scanned from one side to the next and came to a stop as did his steps. The lizard turned sharply on the heel of his dark brown shoes and stepped over onto the grass to his right.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiU59D5gs7
He stopped just past a peach tree that had yet to be trimmed fully, examining it with narrowed eyes. Folding his arms, he turned to the young man who’d stepped away and was returning, trimming shears in hand. The young man stopped, looked up with his face fallen and stepped back, bowing quickly at the waist. “Oh! A-Adviser Ro-Rosewool!” he exclaimed, his voice quivering. 754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtoNl2GNQC
“What’s this about?” the adviser motioned towards the tree.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwq1oahiwP
“Uh…” the human gulped, his head tilted up with his body hesitating to rise. Several others gradually ceased their duties to watch in silence.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JfrpbE7hb
“Where were you thinking of scurrying to with work unfinished?”
“Um…” he took a small step back and turned his head to the side. “N-nowhere, A-Adviser Ro-Rosewool.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgW5WtlaUH
“Then…” the adviser calmly began with a strong step forward. “Get your damn lazy ass to work!” his tone grew while the young man took a few quick, trembling steps back with his head upturned and eyes locked with Rosewool’s.
He fell on his butt, turned and scrambled to his feet . He recovered the sheers and returned to the ladder leaned against the peach tree. Rosewool shifted to look around at the surrounding slaves and growled. “Get back to work!” he bellowed. They flinched and scrambled back to their jobs. Rosewool heaved a sigh, stepping further through the garden area. “Need I remind your pitiful brains of our guests arriving within a couple hours?” he narrowed his slit gaze on the workers. “I will not let your slacking ruin our land’s respected reputation for quality.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubkD3Xq85O
The adviser groaned as a slave stumbled and fell with their tools, and pinched the bridge of his scaly nose. “I swear you pitiful creatures do not understand the meaning of pre-set deadlines.” Rosewool grumbled tightly under his breath. His steps stopped, his eyes opened as he adjusted his wine colored tailcoat and watched a half demon feline unevenly snipping dead branches from a blooming lily tree. “If I didn’t know better…” Rosewool’s voice vibrated heatedly through his teeth, causing the feline’s ears to flatten nervously against her head. “I’d swear you all are trying to piss off his Lordship, and me.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19dbCGIn6g
One of the human women bit her lip, inhaled deeply and sharply exhaled with a swift twirl away from pruning a bush of blue roses. The thirty-some year old took a few steps forward with her shoulders back and bowed as Rosewool grew closer. “Please forgive our lack of professionalism for such a grand event, Adviser Tsun.” His steps stopped and his shoulders tightened. “We’re terribly sorry and hope the guests find the work pleasing to see, Adviser Tsun.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ioNtqKXv7
Rosewool approached as she began to rise and roughly tangled his clawed fingers into her long hair. “Care to repeat what you referred to me by, slave?” he snarled hotly.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGHD4JR94M
“Neyh!” she whimpered and closed her eyes tightly. “I-I said Adviser Rosewool!” she quickly replied meekly with a tremble in her voice.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVAlomjfoh
He lowered his head closer to her face. “I want to hear you say ‘forgive me, Master Rosewool’ in a very sincere voice.” Rosewool quietly ordered. The young woman wrinkled her nose and cringed away a tad, the wafting odor of garlic roasted steak assaulting her nose. Rosewool frowned, tightened his grip and jerked her. “Do you need me to liberate your tongue?”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWmk7odnwn
“N-no.” She gulped with small tears in the outer corners of her eyes. “For-forgive me...M-Master Rosewool.” The brunette whimpered from a renewed pain from his hold twisting to the right. “Forgive me, Master Rosewool.” She repeated but quicker and softer in tone.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXAiZEGPn1
“Hnn. I suppose that’s passable,” he stated and pushed her back, finally releasing her with his upright stance returning. She stumbled and kept her hands folded in front of her. “Stupid humans…” Tsun muttered and spat on the ground, resulting in a skinny whiff of smoke to rise and the patch of grass to darken. “Always ones to run your tongues incorrectly.” He spat again, this time on one of his palms and rubbed them together. “If not fixed, I could make that piece of flesh to give me pleasure.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicYX8ecl9N
“It won’t happen again...Adviser Rosewool.” She whispered, keeping her gaze on the ground, suppressing a shiver and a compulsion to twist her face in disgust.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7adAjo22oM
Tsun folded his hands behind him, taking slow steps around her. “One thing I would just love to see is you fighting to the death and your family’s reaction. Or…” his tone softened but still held the authority. “To see your family fight in the colosseum and your reaction as they all die bloody deaths.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnANNCwZyP
The young woman’s eyes widened and her breath briefly became lodged in her throat. A moment later she closed her eyes tightly and inhaled. “I...I will watch my words...more carefully, Adviser.” Her right hand gripped her left as she stayed lowered in her bow. “I promise we’ll-we’ll be done on time.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcmI9nq9sB
“You’d better.” Rosewool turned and looked down to her from over the side of his shoulder. “Or you halfwits might actually give me something to be happy to see.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0nZ43Sl63
“Of course, Adviser Rosewool.” She quietly answered. Tsun finished his turn and walked back to the drive. She waited before slightly lifting her head to see he now was a few feet away. Taking a deep breath, she stood upright and removed the tie from her messy hair. She winced as she ran her fingers through it and pulled it back into its bun, her eyes lingering back to the grass.
Rosewool passed as a late forties man continued to pick the dead blooms off a flowering tree. Once the adviser was a few feet away, the short haired man carefully stepped down and made his way over to the woman. “You okay?” silently she nodded, taking another deep breath and slowly exhaling. “I still say you got some gall having messed up like you did.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75Y0nGBsVF
She took another deep breath. “Believe me…” she exhaled with another lowering of her head. “It wasn’t intentional.” The young woman lifted her head and looked at him. “I’m hoping he doesn’t slip an order for anything against my family for my slipup.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXsklvO0xTs
A feline half demon’s little black furred panther ears perked up atop her red, short haired head. She turned and watched the pair, then smiled. “But it was so cool!” she chimed in cheerfully. The half breed reached out and snipped a thin, rotting branch before turning back to them. “I’ve never seen anyone stand up to any Upper ranks since I arrived.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rDzagE6Bd
The two looked to the other, then back to her as she came down the short step ladder. “How long have you been here? I’m not familiar with your face.” The man explained with a gentle hand gesture towards the feline.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yG7JTfT8B
“I think about three weeks?” she tilted her head up, her face squishing a bit for a moment before a shrug and her attention returned to the two.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0ZAQ6528b
Both shook their heads with a heavy sigh. “So young…” they said in unison.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PrRrfE032
The feline tilted her head slightly to the left while her ears twitched. “What?”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuT1G0XBd9I
“Can you tell us what you remember being taught by your slavers?” the woman calmly inquired.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7X4jmXoD29
“Hmm…” the feline folded her arms and turned her head down. “I recall several lashings when I’d make eye contact...and being told to never do that unless instructed to by whoever buys me…” the pair nodded. “They also told me to never call my master by anything but their title. That is unless they instruct me otherwise.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xnsbVFG96
“At least the basics sunk in,” the young woman exhaled.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJADwpl5uPr
“But I’m not sure about that colosseum I’ve heard mentioned. I mean…” she began to smooth her hair down as her weight shifted to one side. “I know what one is. It’s where people fight for money, but I haven’t seen one.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ul60CHehd
“That’s because it’s more towards the palace than the mansion.” The woman explained.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODPwIPrHSM
The man nodded. “And trust me when I say the Emperor’s pet is nothing to take lightly.” He looked down to his right arm and rubbed it as the young woman rested a hand on his shoulder, her face fallen.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXP6XmYY3la
The feline’s ears folded back against her head as her shoulders fell and cheerfulness faded a bit. “That’s…” she shivered with a reverberation from her throat and a shake of her head. “I’m sorry that happened. I definitely don’t want to see the colosseum.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZnSK4ugL8
He released his arm, gently patted the woman’s hand and she removed it. “But enough chatter. We should get this done before the Upper and Noble ranks arrive.” They nodded and separated back to their duty as a guard marched by, looking over the work before returning to his post.
Version 2:
Chapter 1: Final Preparations
“There are many creatures living in the magical realm of Aphelia. Demons, humans, half-breeds, mixed-breeds, and beings that in your world are nothing more than myth. It’s a world overflowing with both magic and science. To best describe it and it's nine different regions, would be to visualize a world gripped by old magics and new technology. Some places favor magic as others favor technology, whereas yet others combine the two into something astounding. Each region has a unique trait gifted by the Gods and Goddesses. As for this one, Arios, the lands are all held aloft by eternal tornadoes. In Aphelia, each village, town, city, city-state, country and so on has chosen their own way of life and those who agreed joined. Thus a variety of settlements flourished. Travel between settlements and regions are fairly cheap, and thus they and their children are free to live wherever they wish.”
“For most, feelings from the past can diminish and move on over time. For others, these feelings linger and fester, even when the targets of those feelings have long since forgotten. So by the end, what comes of this longing, jealousy, anger and hate?”
754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mZQZ7yoEi
“Pick up the pace!” loudly barked a tall humanoid, hooded lizard-like demon while he made his way up the tightly pressed gravel drive. His slit yellow eyes glared to the left and right at the simple dressed workers. Out of all the archipelagos in this region, we just had to get these useless hunks of flesh from those traders, he thought with a disgusted tone, running his hand over his bald head, his yellowish-green scales gleaming under the sunlight.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOG6zN7Xdr
His gaze took in the size and beauty of a fairly large mansion he was coming up on. The smooth cobblestone facade gleamed in the afternoon sunlight. He smiled as its lighter coloring contrasted fluidly with the darkened drive. His eyes scanned from one side to the next and came to a stop as did his steps. The lizard turned sharply on the heel of his dark brown shoes and stepped over onto the grass to his right.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsPKlagV6g
He stopped just past a peach tree that had yet to be trimmed fully, examining it with narrowed eyes. Folding his arms, he turned to the young man who’d stepped away and was returning, trimming shears in hand. The young man stopped, looked up with his face fallen and stepped back, bowing quickly at the waist. “Oh! A-Adviser Ro-Rosewool!” he exclaimed, his voice quivering. 754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3742FdpgIg
“What’s this about?” the adviser motioned towards the tree.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNeijKU1zPa
“Uh…” the human gulped, his head tilted up with his body hesitating to rise. Several others gradually ceased their duties to watch in silence.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVKGsF5o5x
“Where did you scurry off to with your work unfinished?”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr36LjQ4D80
“Um…” he took a small step back and turned his head to the side. “N-nowhere, A-Adviser Ro-Rosewool.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXiP8wlZKC
“Then…” the adviser calmly began with a strong step forward. “Get your damn lazy ass to work!” his tone grew fierce, causing the young man to quickly step back and unable to unlock his eyes with Rosewool’s.
He fell on his butt, turned and scrambled to his feet . He recovered the sheers and returned to the ladder leaned against the peach tree. Rosewool shifted and looked at the surrounding slaves, growling. “Get back to work!” he bellowed. They flinched and scrambled back to their jobs. Heaving a sigh, he stepped further through the garden. “Need I remind your pitiful brains of our guests arriving within a couple hours?” he narrowed his slit gaze on the workers. “I will not let your slacking ruin our land’s respected reputation for quality.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJFq4iFGHx
The adviser frowned, side stepped and watched a middle aged human stumble and fall on their way to an unattended tree in need of trimming. He groaned and pinched the bridge of his scaly nose, resuming his walk as the human zipped off and up a ladder. “I swear you pitiful creatures do not understand the meaning of pre-set deadlines.” Rosewool grumbled tightly under his breath. His steps stopped, his eyes opened as he adjusted his wine colored tailcoat and watched a half demon feline unevenly snipping dead branches from a blooming lily tree. “If I didn’t know better…” Rosewool’s voice vibrated heatedly through his teeth, causing the feline’s ears to flatten nervously against her head. “I’d swear you all are trying to piss off his Lordship, and me.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJJohiZr9J
One of the human women bit her lip, inhaled deeply and sharply exhaled with a swift twirl away from pruning a bush of blue roses. The thirty-some year old took a few steps forward with her shoulders back and bowed as Rosewool grew closer. “Please forgive our lack of professionalism for such a grand event, Adviser Tsun.” His steps stopped and his shoulders tightened. “We’re terribly sorry and hope the guests find the work pleasing to see, Adviser.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHry0jnyhLC
Rosewool approached as she began to rise and roughly tangled his clawed fingers into her long, held back hair. “Neyh!” she whimpered, her eyes closed tightly.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzMT5dWS7D
“Care to repeat what you referred to me by, slave?” he snarled hotly.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzovRHU3BW0
“I-I said Adviser Rosewool!” she quickly replied meekly with a tremble in her voice.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8nrVuxdov
He lowered his head closer to her face. “I want to hear you say ‘forgive me, Master Rosewool’ in a very sincere voice.” Tsun quietly ordered. The young woman wrinkled her nose and cringed away a tad, the wafting odor of garlic roasted steak assaulting her nose. Rosewool frowned, tightened his grip and jerked her. “Do you need me to liberate your tongue?”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7bl6A6jGX
“N-no.” She gulped with small tears in the outer corners of her eyes. “For-forgive me...M-Master Rosewool.” The brunette whispered. He frowned and twisted roughly, forcing her head to twist right with her body some and a rumble came from his throat. “Forgive me, Master Rosewool.” She repeated quickly, whimpering with her roots begging for release.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscGgtoDzxJ
“Hnn. I suppose that’s passable,” he stated and pushed her back, finally releasing her with his upright stance returning. She stumbled and kept her hands folded in front of her. “Stupid humans…” Tsun muttered and spat on the ground, resulting in a skinny whiff of smoke to rise and the patch of grass to darken. “Always ones to run your tongues incorrectly.” He spat again, this time on one of his palms and rubbed them together. “If not fixed, I could make that piece of flesh to give me pleasure.”
“It won’t happen again...Adviser Rosewool.” She whispered, keeping her gaze on the ground, suppressing a shiver and a compulsion to twist her face in disgust.
Tsun folded his hands behind him, taking slow steps around her. “One thing I would just love to see is you fighting to the death and your family’s reaction. Or…” his tone softened but still held the authority. “To see your family fight in the colosseum and your reaction as they all die bloody deaths.”
The young woman’s eyes widened and her breath briefly became lodged in her throat. A moment later she closed her eyes tightly and inhaled. “I...I will watch my words...more carefully, Adviser.” Her right hand gripped her left as she stayed lowered in her bow. “I promise we’ll-we’ll be done on time.”
“You’d better.” Rosewool turned and looked down to her from over the side of his shoulder. “Or you halfwits might actually give me something to be happy to see.”
“Of course, Adviser Rosewool.” She quietly answered. Tsun finished his turn and walked back to the drive. Waiting a few moments, her head turned slightly and watched the distance between them grow. Once he was several feet away, the young woman straightened up and released a breath. Reaching up the tie was removed from her messy hair. She ran her fingers through her hair, wincing during the pulling back and securing it into a bun.
A short haired man in his late forties picked dead blooms of a flowering tree, shifting his eyes as the sound of Rosewool’s steps passed. Once the adviser was out of sight, he stepped down and carefully made his way to the brunette. “You okay?” silently she nodded with another deep breath. “I don’t care what you’ve said, you still got guts to do that again.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LMViIsAHz
“Believe me,” she slowly exhaled, lowering her head slightly. “It wasn’t intentional this time.” Lifting her head she looked at him, folding her arms around her waist with the pruning shears held at her hip. “I’m really hoping he doesn’t request an order against my family for that slip.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTe6SXhl5y
Over to her left, a half demon feline flicked her black panther ears. She stretched, snipping off a loose branch to strike the grass before turning her head of short red hair behind her. “Even if he does, that was so cool!” the human woman sighed, shaking her head. “I mean, sure, I’ve seen others speak incorrectly before to a superior but never get off that light.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwheS9N3ek
The two looked to the other, then back to her as she came down the short step ladder. “It’s luck, so far that is, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around much before. What’s your name?” he inquired with a gentle gesture towards her.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbNE6z6fzv
“Cali Nightsall and I think about three weeks?” she tilted her head up, her face squishing a bit for a moment before a shrug and her attention returned to them.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDKOvmxaY6
Both shook their heads with a heavy sigh. “So young…” they said together.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUsCUCTNqr
Cali tilted her head slightly to the left, her ears twitching a couple times. “What?”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEUVDOJDXo
“Can you tell us what you remember being taught by your slavers?” the woman calmly inquired.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iJ60t4TSc
The half demon folded her arms and lowered her chin. “I remember several lashes for making eye contact, being told never to do that unless instructed otherwise.” Her head lifted as the two nodded. “Also was told to only use the instructed title of my master.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5YFfKN9rO
“Good for the basics. But it seems they left out a bit of detail.” The woman sighed and looked to the man at her side.
“See, I know what one is, I just haven’t seen one anywhere since I got here.” She shifted her weight to the right, smoothing down her hair.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIrP6lztoG
“That’s because it’s more towards the palace than the mansion.” The woman explained.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqn90pJWGa4
He nodded. “And trust me when I say the Emperor’s pet is nothing to take lightly.” He looked down to his right arm and rubbed it as the young woman rested a hand on his shoulder, her face fallen.754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBpf2T2lCf
Cali’s ears folded back against her head as her shoulders fell and cheerfulness faded a bit. “That’s…” she shivered with a reverberation from her throat and a shake of her head. “I’m sorry that happened. I definitely don’t want to see the colosseum.”754Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIiczvMr7t
He released his arm, gently patted the woman’s hand and she removed it. “But enough chatter. We should get this done before the Upper and Noble ranks arrive.” They nodded and separated back to their duty as a guard marched by, looking over the work before returning to his post.
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