*Note: Although cigarette appears as a significant factor to describe the mood of this piece, however it has no intention to glorify smoking it. I, myself, is a person who personally dislikes smoking. If you are likely to be disgusted and humiliated by descriptions of smoking, I would like you to ignore them in this piece.
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She was sitting on the stairs to the entrance through the funeral home, a half-burnt cigarette stick on her right hand. Her black dress was like a little extract from the midnight sky, and oddly matched with her long bleached hair. I stood there for a while, staring at her like I was going to pierce her.
I knew her. She used to go to the same school with me, and lived in the same building of the apartment. Her name was Hee Soo, a quite masculine name for a Korean girl. She could have been the one more than just a neighbor or a friend, but I never saw her having a bleached hair, and spitting grayish-white smoke out of her mouth.
Hee Soo stepped aside against me, when I came beside and sat next to her. Streaks of fluffy, cream-colored hair flew naturally within a little breeze. It was quite awkward for just the two of us being in a same place since we haven't seen each other for years, but strangely it was nice hearing the pattering sound of the pouring rain, and watch the mist coming from somewhere making everything blurry.
"...Do you miss Yoo Sung?"
The seemingly-ultimate silence broke, when Hee Soo broke out suddenly, spitting every word down in a surprisingly calm tone. Yoo Sung was my best friend since middle school, and we were still close to each other even we became adults. I couldn't say anything about the answer for Hee Soo's question. Any word or comment over him would make my eyes wet. Seeming to recognize that I am not able to answer her, Hee Soo put the cigarette stick into her mouth and sucked it once. When she exhaled, the stale-cold steam were blown out and became the part of the mist.
"You guys were really close friends, weren't you?"
Her words, which she coughed out like faded saliva, came out slowly as calmly like her previous one. It strangely soothed my mind, and her low and quiet voice was like a lullaby in my ears. I couldn't dare to let my tears out, but I felt my eyes are becoming weary. If I instantly look at the mirror, they would have been stricken red. Words were really hard for pouring out, like I had a huge rock right inside my body. After taking a breath, I managed to let some words and sentences flow, although I still felt quite painful to do so.
"...It could have been better if the accident wasn't happen, but you know we can't rewind the time back. I just think it could have been better if I could have spent more time with him, so I could have more good memories about him."
After I said so, the sound of the pouring rain was smashing the ground like it could have been an enormous ground. Yoo Sung used to love music, and suggested me to make a band together when our CSATs were finished. He told me that playing a drum would suit me the most. As Hee Soo sighed staring to the front, streaks of her creamy-white hair were flowing against cigarette smokes. I never knew her eyes could be sunken that deep, and never knew the lids of her eyes could perfectly define the word 'melancholy'.
"How bitter is that, to make time irreversible."
I heard Hee Soo's voice trembling a little bit when she finally managed to speak up, so as her fingers holding a cigarette stick. The end of the cigarette were bleaching and fading grey, with a little line of smoke flowing like it came from thin sticks of incense. She threw the burnt stick right into the trash can under the stairs, and naturally took a small, white cigarette box with her left hand.
"...Want a cigarette?"
When she burst in, handing me a clean stick of cigarette, I was able to look into her eyes for the first time today. It was an undeniable fact that she had been changed a lot, with deep makeup and a weary-looking expression. But, somehow I could recognize her wearing her high school uniform from features of her face, when her hair wasn't bleached and no cigarettes on her hand.
"No, thanks. I don't smoke."
Although I refused her offer like that, I still favored watching her letting out "Oh." reluctantly, and fired the cigarette with a neon-pink disposable lighter. I rather liked the smoke bursting out from her mouth, and mixing with the mist and the sound of pouring rain.
"...You know what? I should be the one who should regret to meet Yoo Sung at least once before he left us. I should've said..."
Still holding the inflaming cigarette with her two fingers, Hee Soo stopped spitting out the words at some point. As she took a little bit of breath out of her mouth, I instantly presumed that now she's the one who has a rock insider her body. After whisking her wrist to cease the fire and let the smoke out, she sucked the cigarette and spit out the smoke. Then, she started to speak on in a surprisingly calm tone.
"...I should've said I loved him. I really loved him a lot. It might have been a girlish first crush, but I pictured the days when I saw you guys together at the church. I imagined I met Yoo Sung outside the church and spend time together, and become close to each other. I dreamt of it sometimes even after graduation. I just couldn't dare to speak out."
After saying that, Hee Soo put the cigarette inside her mouth once again and let her breath out. She was rather like a dragon defeated from a battle with a knight, or a distressed queen who realized that she can't win over Snow White by beauty. I saw a string of liquid falling down from her left eye. It flowed down like a raindrop through her pale cheeks towards her chin. I couldn't see whether she was crying out a pouring rain, or multiples of Hee Soo in indescribable resentment from somewhere above are shedding tears. Still letting tears free to flow down through her face, Hee Soo just went on exhaling the smoke. Half of the new stick was now bleaching pale, like I first saw her on the stairs. Looking over her, I realized that speaking something to her will be meaningless. I felt my vision becoming blurred a little bit as well, and my nose would feel that I want to sneeze out all the melancholy and resentment.
"...Jae Joon."
Moments later, Hee Soo calmly whispered my name. She wiped both sides of her cheeks constantly, seemly to hide her tears.
"Do you think we could cope this? Do you think we could get out of this melancholy?"
After she said this, she put the stick inside and sucked it with a deep inhalation. Then, she deeply exhaled like she was trying to eliminate all the smoke left inside her through her nostrils and mouth. Wiping out the leftover liquidity over her face, Hee Soo looked inside my eyes once again with her deep, sunken eyes. Trying to be calm and controlling myself from burst out a cry, I replied to her question.
"I think we could learn ourselves to do so automatically. Some day, Yoo Sung will be only remain in our memory and we could let his spirit free from us."
After saying that, I felt a little bit of collision is happening to the rock inside my body, but I knew it would be only a scratch when I felt my nose runny once again. I couldn't help myself to complete the phrase, based on my true, genuine feelings.
"But, I think it would be an utterly difficult task."
ns 15.158.61.42da2
