I never liked hospitals. The sterile smell, the shitty pillows, scratchy gowns, all the sounds of the machines, and needles. Who in their right mind likes needles? The paramedics wanted to take me via ambulance, but I was not willing to see the bill for that so Detective Morrison drove me over in her vehicle. I had been sitting on the hospital bed for a little over two hours now, waiting for the tests and screenings to be completed. They had taken x-rays of my chest and noted my ribs were not healing correctly, but going in to fix them would only cause more damage. A white, gauzy cloth was wrapped tightly around my torso and I was told it needed to stay wrapped for the next few weeks to try and control the way the bones were mending. The dent would be permanent.
Leena and Sarah had been taken to the station to be questioned by the police. Because I had told Morrison my entire story about the events I'd experienced, she told everyone to back off and leave me be which left me alone with the steady beeping of my pulse readings and my thoughts. My mind drifted to Brent and our night at the club, making my heart ache. He had reached out a few times, but I never replied. How could I? It would only add him to the crossfire. He eventually gave up, but I had too by that point. I never saw an end happening from Garrett's abuse. Either he would kill me before I could try to escape, or I had been too afraid to even try. It seemed silly to long for the company of a man I spent a couple hours with, but he seemed genuine. My gut didn't warn me off. My hand absentmindedly started to rub my stomach and I chuckled at the thought. The one part of my body that I disliked was the part I needed to trust more and listen to. It tried to save my life. I could no longer dislike my pudge. It had become the most important part of my being and I would never take that for granted again.
A few more hours passed before I was given the okay to be discharged. Leena popped in my room as I started changing back into my clothes. "How are you holding up?" She asked me softly. You'd think having hours to be alone with your thoughts would allow you to answer that question, but I couldn't. I felt nothing, empty.
"I'm honestly not sure." I slid my shirt over my head and faced her. She nodded in understanding and looked at the ground. A frown fell on my lips as I watched her. She just sacrificed so much for me and she deserved more of a friend than this empty shell was providing, but it was so hard. But one thing I needed to do is check on her too. "What about you?"
Her tired eyes met mine as she offers me a faint smile. "Same. But no need to dwell on that, let's get you out of here." I returned her smile and wrapped my arm around hers as she led us to her car. As screwed up as it might be, I was glad Leena was a victim of Garrett with me. Two different situations, but we have that common experience together and I believed it would help make the healing and coping process easier. We could work through it together because we know the pain he had caused the both of us. Knowing we can support each other is what made the idea of moving forward even remotely possible. It would take time, but we would get there. We would get there.
~
The next few weeks dragged. Leena and I stayed in her apartment together, sharing her bed. She was handling the events better than I was, though I suppose she had more time to cope with the idea of Garrett being the one who murdered her mother. I on the other hand dealt with a lot of sleepless nights. I was given sedatives to try and help me sleep, but they only did so good for an hour before the night terrors took over. A few times, I had woken Leena up from screaming and flailing. She would hold me as I wept from the nightmares that plagued my mind, only they weren't nightmares. They had been reality.
Garrett's face haunted my every thought, every breath I drew in. In a way, he was more a part of me dead than he ever was alive and I hated it. Rage and despair filled every cell of my being when I was awake. I couldn't turn on the TV. Word about Garrett and his actions made national news and it was the last thing I wanted to see, especially when my name was brought up with the announcement. Everyone locally knew who I was now, and some people have even found their way to the apartment. Detective Morrison had an officer stationed outside to keep the crazies away until things calmed down again. My days were spent curled on the couch, staring at the blank screen. The numbers on the scale kept going down on top of everything. My stomach was starting to sink in toward my spine and my ribs stuck out more, I noticed when I was finally able to stop wrapping them. There was the single benefit to being this detached. The physical pain didn't bother me anymore.
I never did get my phone back from Garrett's, but that was fine from me. Not having it blow up constantly from the potential people who would want to reach out was a relief. I needed a new start, which meant a new phone and number. The only person I really talked to was Leena. Todd has reached out to her to check in on me. I didn't know what she had told him, nor did I care much. I didn't have the energy to care.
Leena was at work while I laid on the couch, cocooned in my blue blanket with motivational quotes in white writing on it. The clock on the wall ticked quietly, adding to the sound of my sigh. I thought I would move past everything quicker than this. I spent almost a year being tormented and I was always able to jump back up. Not this time. It didn't make any sense, but it bugged the hell out of me to the point where I was angry with myself. His power over me should be worth nothing. I should be stronger than this. I was stronger than this. So why did I allow this to continue? Another sigh escaped my lips, louder than the first one as I closed my eyes. I couldn't heal this way. And I needed to heal. I used to love life, but these days I had been moments away from downing an entire bottle of pills at any time. The thought made me even more depressed.
Pushing myself up to a sitting position, I slowly unwrapped the blanket, my feet softly touching the area rug. I wiggled my toes and sucked on my lower lip. It was time. I pushed myself fully off the couch and slowly made my way to the bedroom and opened one of my suitcases. Thanksgiving was right around corner, sweater season once again. I could appreciate that. Sweaters bring an insane amount of comfort and security and that's what I needed for this step. I slipped a knitted, dark brown sweater over my body. It hung loosely on my body, almost like an oversized dress with all the weight I have lost. My breath stuck in my chest as I pulled out my smallest pair of leggings and slowly slid them over my legs. They too, hung loosely on my body, but still secure enough to where I could get away with wearing them. To be safe, I pulled them up over my belly button and secured everything with a black belt. Fashionable while being practical.
I creeped into the bathroom, not knowing what I might see when I looked in the mirror. I hadn't looked since I had been home from the hospital. I avoided it at all cost, but it was time to face the new me, face to face. My fingers flipped the light on the wall and a whimper crept out my lips when I caught sight of myself. My shoulder length hair was tangled beyond salvageable. Tears welled up in my eyes as my fingers delicately touched the rats nest upon my head and trailed down my face. If I entered a competition for the blackest shadows around my eyes with a bunch of racoons, I would beat them all. My whole face sunk in, from my cheeks to my eyes. There was no light in my eyes, the green duller than dying moss. A tear slipped out and plopped on the bathroom counter as I leaned closer, refamiliarizing myself with the person staring back at me. I couldn't go out like this.
Walking into the kitchen, I grabbed the thick, silver shears and marched back to the bathroom on a mission. I exhaled deeply and grabbed a chunk of my hair, snipping it as close to my scalp as I could before I could think more about my decision. The hair floated to the floor as I took another chunk and snipped that too. Chunk after chunk, the hair floated to my feet until there was nothing left but uneven scruff coating my scalp. I grabbed Leena's razor and wet my head under the sink faucet. Using slow, even strokes, I shaved down the scruff until I was bald, just a faint shadow to show I had naturally dark hair. The shears clunked onto the counter as I dropped them and admired my handy work. My breathing grew easier the more I started at my reflection. The lack of hair was so freeing. I dragged my hand across my bald head and a whisper of a smile crossed my lips. A part of Garrett has now been tossed into the garbage.
I dug under the sink for the lint roller and tried to gather as many loose baby hairs as I could off me before I brushed my teeth. The action felt odd, having not done it for a week but at the same time it felt good. This was normal, this was natural. This is what I needed to do. Lavender deodorant was applied to my armpits and I finished everything with a spritz of vanilla perfume to my neck. There was a soft glow of hope shining from my eyes when I looked back at myself for the last time. I'm doing it. I slipped on my boots and padded over to the key holder, grabbing the spare apartment keys and walked outside.
The bite of the wind sent a chill down my spine, but it didn't bother me. I closed my eyes and inhaled the fresh air deeply. Relaxation slowly spread through my limbs, the tension I'd been holding onto for months released. I opened my eyes again and started down the stairs, dragging my fingers along the banister. I had told the nurse I was free as soon as Garrett died, but I wasn't. This was freedom and I would be reclaiming it. I owed it to myself, and I owed it to Leena. She'd been so patient with me, but I could tell being in my presence brought her down. She deserved more. I deserved more. Garrett deserved less.
My feet automatically started moving toward the sidewalk once I hit the bottom of the stairs. There was no destination in mind, just the need to be better. As I continued walking, I started to admire my surroundings and the colorful leaves dancing in the breeze, some falling off the branch and floating away. I tilted my head slightly as I processed that. It was funny how your perspective could change based on your experiences. Even the trees needed to release things that were not good for it. It was the only way for it to stay strong. A ghost of a smile painted my face and I kept walking.
The sound of a fountain greeted me as I made it downtown. I stopped and bowed my head slightly at the angel and continued on until I found myself just outside of The Book Nook. Of course my feet would drag me here of all places. This building was my heart and soul. I chewed my lip nervously and opened the door. Todd's head snapped up toward me from the register and relief flooded his features. "Sophie..."
I offered him a smile as he maneuvers around the counter and wrapped me in his arms, holding my head protectively against his chest. I melted into his embrace and sighed quietly. "Hi, Todd. It's good to see you."
He pulled back and looked at me, concern burning bright in his eyes. "It's good to see you too darlin'." His mouth contorted into a frown as he brushed a hand across my head. "What happened to your hair?"
I chuckled and brushed my hand across my bare head as well. "I haven't been taking good care of it lately," I replied softly. "Besides, I only grew it out for him and he doesn't need to be a part of my body anymore."
Todd nodded his head in understanding. "I'm so sorry, Sophie. We had no idea you had been going through that." Quickly, I shook my head at his words.
"It's not your fault. It was my own. I allowed myself to stay in that relationship when I knew early on I needed to leave." My voice started shaking and I took a deep breath to steady myself. "He fooled me, and that is an automatic shame on me situation." Todd looked like he wanted to protest but I stuck my hand up. "I know you disagree with me, but nothing you say will change my mind." My arms crossed in front of my chest as I felt my hands shake. I took a few deep breaths and he waited patiently for me to continue. "There were so many signs I ignored, Todd. There were so many times I doubted him and his intentions, and yet, I still gave him a chance. I still gave him the opportunity to hurt me." I chewed on my lip and played with a loose thread on my sweater. "I was stupid and naïve. And that experience opened my eyes in a way that I needed."
Todd was quiet for a few heartbeats as he digested my statement. He gave me a grim look and placed his hand on my arm, squatting down in front of me. "While all that may be true, you were still a victim," he said quietly. "It damaged you, and it never should have happened. He was filth that polluted this world more than anything else and it's a blessing you are still with us." I felt my bottom lip trembled as he held my gaze. "You are blessing to Mary and I and this whole community. And I'm so proud of you for getting out of the house today and finally taking the steps to move forward, but please don't forget you are not alone. Whatever it takes, whatever you need to heal, you have us. You have Leena. And we will help you rise from the embers, Sophie."
I dropped to my knees, sobbing into my hands and Todd wrapped me up, bringing me closer to him as he rocked me back and forth. No more words were exchanged. He let me cry until there was nothing left to fuel my tears. As my tears came to an end, Todd pulled back and looked at me. "Would you like to try and eat? Darlin' you're skinnier than the spider threads hanging in the back."
I released a strangled laugh and nodded. "Yeah, I probably should. Thanks, Todd."
He smiled and offered his hand to me as he stood up. I took it and pulled myself up and we walked down the block to a little mom and pop diner. We sat down in a booth by the corner and a waitress came and offered us menus, giving us a few minutes to look them over. Todd took his phone out and texted Mary that he was taking me for food and she was running the shop by herself for a while. I scanned the menu, debating on what stirs my appetite the most. My eyes found a picture of a stack of french toast topped with whipped cream and cinnamon and my stomach growled louder than a train horn at the station.
Todd laughed, making my face flush with embarrassment. "You hungry, Soph?"
I cleared my throat. "Maybe a little. Eating hasn't been my favorite thing lately." I winced as I admitted that to my father-who-wasn't-my-father. Even though looking at me, it was obvious, but it still feels horrible admitting it out loud to someone who genuinely cared for me.
He nodded in understanding and offered me a smile. "So what caught the attention of your stomach?"
I ducked my head and pointed at the picture. "Seems a little childish, but I'd love some french toast. Preferably extra eggy. Is that even something you can request at a restaurant?" I looked at him, puzzled.
"Never hurts to ask." He shrugged. "I think I'm probably going to do the southwest egg scramble."
My nose scrunched at the thought of eating that myself. "You enjoy that. I need some sugar goodness in my life."
The waitress came back and we ordered our food and a couple coffees. They in fact did take requests for extra eggy toast. She came back with our coffee a few minutes later and I mixed a couple pods of hazelnut creamer into mine while Todd drank his black. I didn't understand how people could stand the bitter taste of black coffee. It was like they hated their lives and the coffee was a direct representation of that, though I know Todd's life wasn't black and bitter. He always lived to find peace and I say he achieved it well.
Todd cleared his throat as I took a sip of my coffee. I glanced at him over the rim of my cup as he spun his cup around on the table. "Yes?"
He exhaled deeply and smiled at me. "Well, there was a reason I wanted to bring you out for a meal. And I know it may appear overwhelming right now, but just know there is no rush for this to happen, okay?"
Confusion etched deeply into my features as I put my cup back on the table, holding it with both hands. "What are you getting at?"
"Mary and I are expanding. We are setting up another Book Nook on the other side of town and we wanted you to run it for us." A moment of silence passed between us as this information tumbled through my brain.
"H-how long until it's ready?" I asked him quietly.
He took another sip of his coffee before he replied. "It's all set up and ready to go, minus a few little things that we wanted you to add, to provide your own personalization to the store since it will technically be yours."
I shook my head. "Todd, I am flattered, but I have a degree in geology. I wanted to do something within that profession, I just can't see myself..." My brows furrowed.
"We thought about that too, or at least, I did." A glow framed his face as he said this, scooting forward more from what seemed like excitement. "There's an additional room in the new building, marked off with glass walls. We thought you could pursue your love for geology in there with your own business. A mix of books, reading, and minerals, all your hobbies in one building." I wanted to interrupt him there, but he continued before I could get a word out. "Now, I know it's not the same going out into the world and studying the minerals in their natural habitat, but you could still teach people. There are a lot of mineral lovers in the book community and we think this could be very successful, especially if you were in charge." He sighed softly and sipped his coffee while the gears in my head churned. "I know it's a lot right now, Sophie. And that's why I said there is no rush on it, especially since I know this isn't what you saw for your future," he said softly, reaching across the table and placing his hand over mine. "But we believe you would be the best fit for this idea and you would know you will always be taken care of if you did this." He gave my hand a squeeze and brought his own back to his mug.
I chewed on my bottom lip, tapping my fingers against the mug. Todd waited patiently for the information to digest, sipping his coffee in silence. The waitress came over and dropped our food off in front of us and he thanked her for us both. I glanced at my toast and grabbed my fork, slowly cutting a corner off and putting the piece in my mouth. Once I swallowed, I looked up at Todd. He set his utensils down on his plate, giving me his full attention. "Even if I wanted to do this," I started hesitantly, "I don't even live close enough for that. It takes me ten minutes on my bike just to get to this area without rushing. That location would take me twenty-five at best."
Todd gave me a sad smile. "Darlin', do you really see yourself staying in that building after everything that just happened?"
I stiffened, my grip on my fork tightening. It never even occurred to me that the bad feelings I'd been experiencing might have been triggered by the environment I was in and not just the memories. Garrett had been there, had even died there. We had fights there. He was right. That building held a lot of negative energy and I really should find a new place, sooner rather than later. "I... I never even thought about that. Fuck, I don't even have money to leave it, Todd." I groaned, dropping my fork on my plate and burying my face in my hands.
"Hey now, don't stress about that right now. New beginnings take time and you will get yours. Whether or not that means taking a job with us again or making your own career elsewhere." He rubbed my arm supportively and I glanced at him, fresh tears leaking onto the backs of my hands. "If you want help looking for a new place, when you're ready, you know I will help."
I nodded, sniffling and wiping my face with my sleeves. "Thanks, Todd. All of this is a really sweet gesture, but I'm just not sure right now..." My voice fades, cracking from the emotion.
"And that's okay, Darlin'. Like I said, there is no rush. All of this is your timeline. Everything is still fresh and there is a lot to work out. You think on it and let us know, okay?" He looked at me and I nodded, a small smile replacing the sadness that overtook me. He patted my hands and picked his fork back up. "Alright, let's eat before our food gets cold." He grinned and I chuckled, nodding in agreement before digging back into my meal and coffee. For the first time in a while, the food didn't threaten to crawl back out my throat.
Todd and I finished our meals, engaging in small conversation in between bites. My mood was soaring by the time we exchanged goodbyes and headed off in opposite directions. As soon as he started walking away, the sound of the fountain called to me. I followed the sound and sat down on a bench, the late afternoon sun casting an orange glow over the angel and her pool of wishes. I stared up at the angel and went through all the information that was dumped on me an hour ago. The idea of the second Book Nook really was a tempting offer. He was right when he said it was not what I imagined for my future, but neither was the situation I was in now. I guess that's the beauty about plans though; they change, whether we want them to or not.
I sighed and hung my head down, massaging my neck with my hands. A silver glint flashed in my eyes and I blinked, looking toward the direction I saw the flash. Next to my shoe laid a dime, President Roosevelt looking back at me. While it's not a penny, it still served a purpose in this location. I gingerly picked up the coin and walked over to the fountain, sitting on it's edge. My eyes closed as I clasped the dime in both hands. Please, give me direction. What do I need to do? How do I get through this?" Suddenly the world felt so heavy and I kept my eyes closed a moment longer, trapping the tears inside. Once I was confident they wouldn't go anywhere, I opened my eyes up and tossed the dime in. I watched as it became one with the rest of the coins in there and released my breath with a small, sad smile, delicately swirling my fingers in the cool water. Just need to remember there is no rush on this. When I was ready, I would have my answer.
Standing up, I brushed the back of my thighs off and started toward the direction of the apartment before looking up...
...Directly into a solid figure.
The impact sent me stumbling back, causing me to trip over the edge of the fountain. A started shriek released itself from my throat as I fell back into the fountain, creating a huge splash once I landed. My head went under for a second before I could pick myself up onto my hands and knees, gasping from the shock of the cold water and adrenaline rush. In this moment, I was even happier I shaved my head.
"Shit." A male voice joined in with the chaos that I created and I felt a hand grab my arm. Quicker than I ever thought I could move, I pushed back away from the hand.
"Don't touch me!" I panickily screamed at the stranger, curling myself up against the fountain as the tears I tried to hard to keep in started merging with the pond. The man held his hands up in surrender when I glanced at him.
"Okay, okay. Calm down, I'm sorry. I just wanted to help you get out and see if you were okay."
His voice felt vaguely familiar to me. My mind was nagging me to remember, but I couldn't focus past the hyperventilation spell I was under. I could hear cautious footsteps coming my way. I slid away from them a little more before I gave up. The man knelt behind me and I cringed away from his presence.
"Hey, it's alright. I'm going to place my hand on your shoulder, okay? I'm not going to hurt you, but I need you to breathe. We're going to do some breathing exercises, okay?" A strong, solid and warm hand pressed itself on my shoulder and I whimpered in response, but I didn't move. "Good. Now follow my lead." He started breathing in deeply, letting his breath hold for a few seconds before releasing the air again. I shook my head, a sob escaping my lips and he gave my shoulder a soft squeeze and continued. I gripped his wrist, wanting so bad to throw his arm off me, but I knew that wouldn't work. I needed to calm down. I needed familiarity. Wheezing, I looked up toward the angel and focused on her face. A choked sound left my lips as I hastily tried following the breathing pattern the man was doing through my mouth. Snot trailed down from my nose and there was no use trying to use it to breathe. His deep voice came out softly, giving me words of encouragement before jumping back into the exercises with me. After a few minutes, my body finally began to relax, my eyes never wavering from the tall statue ahead of me.
I sniffled and shivered as the breeze hit my soaked body. Now that I was no longer panicking, I realized just how cold it really was. The stranger removed his hand from me and I heard him stand up. "You did a good job. I'm really proud of you for fighting through that. Can I help you out of the fountain so we can warm you up?"
I sat there blankly, not sure if I was ready quite yet to interact with him more than we already had. My body stiffened at the thought and he seemed to have noticed. "It's okay, I just want to help. I'm not here to hurt you, I promise." I heard him shuffle more behind me. "My name is Brent, if that helps at all."
My eyes widened and I whirled around to look at the man who had helped me. His reddish brown hair was cut short, but long enough for my fingers to run through. A full beard not much shorter than his hair sat on his face, appearing more red than the hair on his head. His arms were well defined and he had a small pudge of a belly like I once did. His baby blue eyes stared into my soul as I met them and his eyes widened in recognition.
"Sophie...?"
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