In mid December of 2017, what began as a pain in the neck as I sipped my second cup of coffee on my back porch between dropping the kids off at school and heading to the office has left me fundamentally changed. A barely perceptible weakness accompanying what started as a literal pain in the neck progressed over the next few weeks to a general paralysis that finally shut down my diaphragm and kidneys. In ICU on a ventilator and dialysis, sepsis and pneumonia further weakening my already failing body, I was at least intermittently aware of my situation. It seemed a matter of days or hours before organ failure or other complications would leave my children fatherless and me with answers to the most fundamental questions a person can ask.
Fate, God, entropy, or whatever combination thereof determines such things decided it wasn’t my time, however. My kids have me to put up with at least a little longer. I, like the rest of you, despite our varied levels and forms of faith and skepticism, must wait for certainty as to what comes next.
I emerged from my brush with mortality a quadriplegic. I depend on a combination of the skills and compassion of caregivers, the patience, dedication and love of family, the reliability and convenience of technology, and my own will to live for not only life itself, but also for many of the factors determining its quality.
None of those things, however, are what I mean when I say I’ve fundamentally changed. I’m speaking not of my physical condition or degree of dependence, but my perspective on life and its priorities. My ability to think, for which I am eternally grateful, hasn’t been effected. The things I think about and my view as to their fundamental importance and worth are what has changed.
Without too much preaching and a wholehearted admission that I have no more answers than I had before, I will simply say that periodic reexaminations of priorities along with the new perspectives that result are worth the cost. While on one level I am as befuddled by the complexities of life as ever, on a deeper level I’ve gained a new understanding and appreciation for what I have, for what I’ve experienced and for what is yet to come.
Life is good despite its pitfalls, heartaches and inevitable setbacks. Embrace it all. Accept the good and the bad as things of value. Accept success and failure with dignity and grace. Recognize that compassion always matters, even when not evidently so. The only way to truly earn respect is to give it. Enjoy the gifts you’ve been given.
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