If I knew that email was to be your last,306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrfoVPXtvG
I would have called you, despite the consequences hearing your voice would have commenced.
If I knew that day was the last you'd take a breath,
I would have driven eighty miles an hour on a sixty mile highway just to reach you.
Stay by your side,
Hold your hand,
Softly sing you an Elvis song,
Engulf you in a warm, lasting hug,
So you would not be alone in that cold, metal hospital bed.
You promised you'd live to see me at eighteen,
You promised that we'd see each other one day...
A heart wrenching promise like that should not have been spoken.
I did not know you had passed,
Until my grandmother had told me to pick up the phone while she was driving,
To do her a favor and read that text.
Her and I were on our way to my aunt's house the minute I read the message from my father, saying,
"The kids' grandmother has just passed away."
Something along those faded lines.
It etched my heart so; scraped my lungs and tore apart my pulsing sores,
My eyes were like the tears of god and the dam of River Gorge;
Split at the seams, torn at the cracks,
Mere hiccups formed into racks.
Grandma did nothing but stare blankly,
Squint at me with reluctant sympathy,
As if to say, "I have no idea how to console you, people die, please recover."
Did something similar when Pup died,
You have no empathy for what I feel,
Do you?
Painful hues turned into stormy, agonizing blues,
Green turned to mush,
Brooks of tears turned to slush.
You were there for me when I needed a loving friend.
You were there for me when I needed someone to love.
You were my rock, my Elvis buddy, my solace, my place of comfort.
We rocked the house with all our songs,
We laughed, danced, giggled, had many years of fun.
We loved one another so.
Despite being ripped apart from you when I was the ripe, young age of eleven,
I knew our bond would not snap.
I knew our chains would not crumble, wither into dust.
You cried when we said goodbye,
Though you desperately tried to hide it.
I could see your tears,
Those inscrutable hues glazed with fear,
At the thought of never being permitted to seeing your grand-baby ever again.
That thought would seal the deal of truth; at least it did physically.
I never saw you physically again.
Regardless of the intermittent letters, rare phone calls, sparse gifts and treats packaged for birthdays,
It did not quite feel the same.
Some days, parts of me wish I'd never told.
Never, never told.
You wouldn't be dead if I didn't, but I may have been.
Nevertheless, I cherish our memories fondly,
I would not have had it any other way.
I don't care who I was or who I have become,
You are still my Mamaw to me.
You are still loved, valued, and cared for by my soul.
Remember those times we saw Jo-EL?
He was my favorite, I'm certain you knew.
All the memories I'd live through again,
Just to feel your comforting aura,
Your familiar, balmy presence,
I'd go through it all...
The beautiful and the ugly.
One more message, then I will cease;
Thank you for saving me from the brutal, horrific nightmares that were my sheltered life.
Thank you for being my safe haven after secret repeated times of being shoved into vulnerability.
Thank you for being somebody I could run to after being scathingly combed through by deleterious people.
Monsters.
Thank you for being my mother when she was immorally absent.
I cannot thank you enough, so these shall be my closing words:
I love you Mamaw, until we meet again.
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Rest in Peace, my Elvis buddy.
12/24/50 - 3/11/19
ns 15.158.61.51da2
