Sal locked the bathroom door, and changed. The thought of Russell in his underwear sent chills down his spine, but not in a pleasant way. Odd. Shouldn't he want to see that? Didn't he love Russell? Sal tried to imagine Russell in his bedroom right now, in a state of undress. He really didn't want to think about it. So he thought of cuddling Russell, fully-clothed. A swooping sensation filled his stomach. Yes, he loved Russell very much. When he had clothes on. Didn't people prefer to see their crushes with their clothes off? There went his plan to win Russell over. This episode probably pushed him away for good.
Once certain Russell would be finished changing, Sal carried his dirty clothes to his room, and tossed them in the laundry hamper in his closet. Thankfully Russell had finished changing, and was laying on the bed. Sal flopped down next to him, close enough for their shoulders to brush against each other. Russell scooted away so they no longer touched, and chewed his thumbnail, eyes focused on the ceiling.
"Why do you always chew your thumbnail?" Sal asked.
"It calms me down," Russell said.
"You're not calm?"
"I'm never calm."
"You always seem calm." Sal ever so carefully placed the side of his hand against Russell's.
Russell jerked his hand away. "That's because I chew my thumbnail."
Yep, he definitely pushed him away for good. Sal chewed his thumbnail. "I guess it kind of works."
Russell rested his hands behind his head. "What do you have to be nervous about?"
Sal pulled his thumb away from his mouth, setting it on his stomach. "Nothing much. Just... things."
Russell nodded. "Things make me nervous too."
"Like what?"
"School, my future, disappointing my parents... screwing up friendships. That sort of thing."
"It's okay. I'm good at screwing up friendships too." Sal glanced over at Russell. His eyes were still on the ceiling, expression unreadable. "I'm sorry about my reaction to... you know. It just took me by surprise."
Russell smiled. "I'm sorry for taking you by surprise."
Sal smiled back, and casually moved his arm towards Russell. This time, he didn't move away. "You shouldn't worry about disappointing your parents. You're a teenager. It's what we do best."
Russell let out a half-hearted chuckle. "Yeah, you would think."
The two fell silent. Sal pulled down his covers, and crawled under. Russell did the same, moving his body closer to Sal. Sal tensed for a second, then relaxed. He rested his trembling hand on Russell's, expecting him to move it. But instead, Russell wrapped his fingers around it, holding it.
Sal's heart pounded, and struggled to draw breath.
"I get a lot of pressure from them," Russell said. "I've always tried my hardest to please them, but they only notice my screw-ups. Sometimes I wonder why I bother."
"Why?" Sal's voice wavered.
"I don't like getting my things taken away, for starts."
"Not that. Why are you holding my hand?"
Russell turned his head to look at Sal. "Do you not want me to hold it?"
Sal bit his lip to keep from smiling, and he stared up at the ceiling. "I don't care either way."
Russell released his hand, and Sal no longer had to keep from smiling. Why couldn't he have admitted to liking his hand being held? Now Russell would never hold it again.
"But like I was saying, it would be nice if I could fail at something without getting berated for it. It's seriously affected my ability to take risks."
Sal wished he could take a risk and tell Russell his true feelings. But the thought of rejection terrified him.
"I have a difficult time taking risks." Russell scratched at his chest. "Especially... when it comes to liking someone. And it's clear they like me back. They have to make that first move. The thought of rejection terrifies me."
"Funny. I have that same problem."
"Shoot. I was hoping you wouldn't."
The two fell silent. Sal closed his eyes, Russell's last words going through his head. I was hoping you wouldn't. Why would Russell hope such a thing? Unless... Sal successfully won him over, and Russell expected him to make the first move.
Sal swallowed, and rolled over on his side, face inches away from Russell's shoulder. "I'm sorry your parents suck. My dad sucks too. My biological one, I mean. He beat me a lot."
Russell's eyes widened and he sat upright, looking down at Sal. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. I'm sorry for complaining."
"Why should you be sorry for complaining?"
"Because you have a dead mother and an abusive father, while my parents only want me to do my best. I should be grateful."
"Just because I had it worse doesn't make your feelings invalid. I'd be miserable in your situation."
Relief spread across Russell's face. "Really?"
"Yeah." Sal sat up, rubbing at his eye. "And I think you should take more risks. Especially when it comes to pulling moves on crushes."
"You could too you know," Russell said. "I already held your hand."
"And I already asked you out."
Russell gave him a half-smile. "I thought that wasn't a date."
Sal's face burned and he looked away. "I could've been wrong."
"Since when do you admit being wrong?" Russell laid back down. "I never thought I'd see the day."
Sal did the same, except he rested his head on Russell's chest. He waited to see if Russell would make a fuss or shove him away. But Russell leaved it be, and Sal listened to his heartbeat.
"Your heart's beating fast."
"That tends to happen when I'm near you."
"Do you like me?" The question slipped out of Sal's mouth. "Like, more than a friend?"
Russell let out a groan. "I've never met anyone more clueless than you. A 5 year old could pick it up."
"Is that a yes? I'm having a hard time believing it's a yes."
Russell rolled onto his stomach, and wrapped his arm around Sal, pulling him close. Sal tried to relax, but couldn't control his rapid breathing. Russell leaned over, and kissed him.
Warmth radiated throughout Sal's body at the feel of Russell's lips against his own. It should have been a dream come true, but he had no idea what to do. He didn't think to research kissing beforehand, and worried he was doing it wrong. To make matters worse, Russell's tongue somehow ended up in his mouth. And he tasted like pizza, which caused Sal to worry about what his own mouth tasted like.
Russell pulled away. "Does that answer your question?" He ran a finger down Sal's jawline. "I like you. A lot."
Sal struggled to draw breath. Part of him wanted to go back to kissing, but another part of him was self-conscious about his lack of experience and pizza breath. A sharp pain stabbed his chest as he gazed longingly at Russell. "I love you."
Russell was silent for a moment. "How old are you?"
"17."
"How long has it been since we met?"
"Three months."
"In which that first month was spent picking on me." Russell rolled onto his back. "I'm sure you love me very much."
Sal wrapped his arm over Russell, feeling an urge to kiss him again. "I loved you the moment I set eyes on you."
Russell rolled onto Sal's stomach, and resumed their make-out session. Sal still wasn't sure what to do. Russell had his arm wrapped under him, so he wrapped his arm over Russell, pulling their bodies closer than ever before. But something hard rubbed against his pelvis. His body tensed as he pulled his lips away.
Russell pushed himself up. "Why'd you stop?"
"I'm tired," Sal said, nudging him aside. "Goodnight."
"Are you sure-"
"Goodnight!" Sal reached for the lamp, and turned it off, back facing Russell.
"Goodnight." Russell sounded wounded.
Sal felt a rush of guilt, followed by revulsion, followed by pride, followed by more revulsion. What's wrong with me? he wondered as Russell pulled him into a spooning position. Sal kept his butt as far away from Russell's crotch as possible. He thought he'd have trouble falling asleep, but drifted off within minutes.
ns 18.68.41.141da2
