‘I will remember these words for the rest of my life.’
These words spilled out of my mouth twenty years ago. After saying so, I left home, without even turning my head back.
I was now in a café somewhere on Hong Kong Island. Light-brown wooden bricks were complemented with wooden-patterned plastic chairs and tables. Besides warm lighting and white walls, the place was decorated with small pots of plants and light-green cushions. The cleanliness and warmth of the café fitted my younger sister’s ideal concept of ‘home’ perfectly.
Both of us grew up in an era where Japanese culture was all the rage. It was hard not to have a soft spot for the Japanese style. Yet, that still didn’t save me from gagging at the cheesecake in front of me internally: the artificial taste and aroma of cheese, a chemically-induced sweetness that was tooth-rotting, and the shrivelled texture was like burnt soil. How could a slice of cheesecake be so revolting?
‘Do you not like it?’ My sister snapped coldly at me, without looking at me in the eye. She went on enjoying her slice of cheesecake and her cup of mocha.
‘Mhmm.’ I put down my fork and gave up on the cake that cost me fifty dollars. I secretly let out a sigh. What a waste of money. I’d rather spend the same amount of money to buy one fried rice with salted fish and chicken from a tea restaurant.
‘This is the most famous cheesecake in this area.’ My sister didn’t approve of my taste.
‘For being disgusting?’ I gave a cold laugh, which made the couple sitting next to us giggle.
My sister grew pale and ignored me, lowering her head to savour her afternoon tea.
Unamused, I took out my phone to kill time, my eyes drifting across the messaging app while stealing glances at my sister across the table occasionally.
There was a sixty-centimetre-wide table between us, along with twenty years of emptiness. Before today, my sister was a twenty-three-year-old university graduate in my mind, full of innocence and only knew a few things about makeup. My impression of her vanished immediately the moment we met again. My one and only sister had become an ordinary office lady working in Central. With long, dark brown curls and heavy makeup, she was wearing a mint-coloured dress, along with a small, white cardigan, and three-inch heels.
There had been times when I had believed I would end up as an office lady dressed modestly, just like my sister now was.
My thoughts flew to a faraway place, until my sister put down her fork. ‘Let’s go.’
We went to the hospital by taxi, inside which the suffocating silence appeared again. I took glimpses at my sister through the rear-view mirror. She rested her chin on her hand, seemingly daydreaming about the things outside. She also seemed to be observing me through the blurry reflection from the taxi’s glass windows.
‘You have to soften your words later at the hospital.’ My sister ‘commanded’ me.
‘I’ll try my best.’ I was a person who spoke their mind.
‘Can’t you be kind to Mum once? So as to let her “leave” at peace?’ She strengthened her tone.
‘That’s why I didn’t refuse! I said “I’ll try my best”!’ I tried to choke back my anger. ‘You know how unforgiving her words are! Don’t tell me that I have to blindly put up with her over-the-top demands!’
‘She changed since that day. She no longer spoke so hardly of people.’ My sister’s expression softened.
I didn’t argue back, and let silence bare its teeth at me.
Before we entered the ward, my sister took out a small paper bag and shoved it to me. ‘Here’s a gift for Mum. Tell her you bought it.’ Without waiting for my response, she had already opened the door and gone inside, not giving me a chance to turn her down.
Lying on her bed, Mum had a neck brace, and her left leg was missing. Her body was stuck with tubes that were connected to a machine. A thermos bottle and plastic cups were placed on top of the side table. Next to the table was a grey chair. On it was her favourite dark-green jumper. Much to my surprise, the jumper still stood by her side loyally all these years. It was like her imagination of a perfect daughter.
‘For you.’ I handed the paper bag to Mum as told by my sister.
Mum couldn’t move her head. Her eyelids blinked with great force, and tears welled up in her eyes strenuously. It took a lot of effort for her to focus and look at me clearly. Her eyes spilled tears and her lips quivered, yet not a word escaped from her mouth.
‘Say hi to Mum.’ My sister glared at me with anger, conveying her hatred towards my ruthlessness.
I had a brief idea of what Mum’s situation was. Yet, when I witnessed the real deed, I couldn’t react and stood blanky. Joy, anger, sorrow, fear, love, hatred, desire… All my emotions became one, and they were no longer separable, just like sand of different colours blended together. Every grain of sand had their own bright hue, but they had now turned into disarrayed signals, taking over every inch of my vision. So, I couldn’t make out what my thoughts really were.
‘M… Mum…’ I stuttered out exhaustedly. I did this against my will, as I couldn’t find the place where I belong. At the same time though, I did this willingly. This was the last reunion, and I should try to end things not so badly, so as to repay her for bringing me up.
My sister waved at me, wanting me to come closer to Mum, so as to let her see the daughter she hadn’t met for so long.
A wave of resistance swept past me. I didn’t try to catch it and let it vanish. My limbs began to relax and I obediently followed my sister’s instructions by going closer to the bed. My sister asked me to give Mum water, and I did as I was told. She told me to drape Mum’s jumper over her shoulder. Yeah, fine… People who didn’t know the true story behind must have been mistaken by the ‘kind mother with her good daughters’ scene. They must have thought that the three of us shared a close relationship among ourselves.
Mum couldn’t speak a word the entire time. Her throat was infected, and she couldn't consume solid food. She even lost the ability to speak.
I couldn’t deny that I was despicable. I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I imagined, if Mum had lost her ability to speak twenty years ago, would I still live with my family? Would I still be a good daughter who was obedient to everyone?
Two hours later, Mum was so tired that she fell asleep. My sister wanted me to leave the room and wait for her outside.
As I was about to step out, I bumped right into my aunt.
That bitch! My relationship with my family might not have ended up in shreds if it weren’t for her fanning the flames.
‘I knew you would come.’ Aunt struck an attitude as if she knew what was coming and examined me with a frosty look. ‘Strapped for cash?’ She took out a cheque and handed it to me. ‘Here’s your reward.’
I didn’t take it right away, because I was trying to figure out what was going on in her mind.
Coincidentally, my sister came out from the ward and saw us in a stand-off, before she immediately came forth to explain, ‘I didn’t tell her about the cheque.’
‘You mean… She’s not here for the money?’ Aunt slowly put her hand holding the cheque down.
‘Mhmm.’ Aunt had come on too strong. Feeling pressured, my sister, who had been calm not long ago, nodded timidly.
‘Then…’ Aunt had hesitated for a while, before she finally decided to voice out her doubts. ‘What did you come here for?’
‘Sympathy and compassion for the elderly.’ I made a reason up, pretending to have a sense of fair play. In fact, I’d never thought about why I came here.
‘Very well. It’ll save me a good fortune.’ Aunt half-wittingly waved the cheque in front of me, like she was playing with a dog.
‘If there isn’t anything else, I’ll leave first.’ I chose to restrain myself.
There weren’t many people on the main road outside the hospital. Visitors, patients, people who have just recovered from long-term diseases, people having their end-of-life rally… Which type did I belong to? Probably the ‘half-dead’ type. My situation wasn’t a complete disaster but it wasn’t good either.
Was I short on money? Did my job go amiss? Did my husband and I not get along? Was there a generational gap between me and my children? All false.
It was just pure misery, as if I had lost something.
Every time I felt blissful, my memories would turn into mush, which would then stick onto the gaps of my heart.
‘Wait… for… me...’ My sister’s voice came through from behind.
I pretended that I didn’t hear her and quickened my pace, hopefully to cast her away with her three-inch heels.
‘Big Sis!’ To my surprise, my sister didn’t care about her manners and shrieked loudly, attracting attention from others.
My legs stopped on their own.
In less than ten seconds, she ran towards my side while panting like a bull. ‘Are… you… trying… to… kill… me?’
I stood there with a poker face. I wasn’t in the mood to play along. ‘The cheque. Whose idea was that?’
‘Mum’s.’ My sister couldn’t look me in the eyes. ‘She thought that you would refuse to come.’
‘Do you two still think that I left home because of our poverty?’ I didn’t want to bring this up again. But I couldn’t help but to defend myself once more.
‘We couldn’t think of other reasons.’ A sense of grief was hidden in her response.
‘I never thought that our family was poor.’ I flew off the handle and walked away.
My sister quickly tugged on my sleeves and changed the topic. ‘Are you interested in having dinner with me and Aunt? We will discuss how we’re going to settle with Mum’s inheritance.’
‘No.’ I refused quickly without fooling around.
‘It’s just one meal.’ She tried to have another go.
‘Nah.’ I gently shook her hand off. ‘You two divide the money between yourselves. You don’t need to tell me.’
‘I’ll pass on the message to Aunt then.’ My sister clearly understood the ways of the world. She knew whom I was avoiding. ‘Can we have dinner together then? Just the two of us?’
Acknowledging that this was her last attempt at inviting me for dinner, I couldn’t find anything to say to turn her down and ended up following her to a café near the hospital. She ordered a slice of matcha-flavoured cake and a chocolate sorbet for me, which I heard were specialties of the house.
I took a bite.
It was sickly sweet.
‘Do you not like desserts anymore?’ My sister could tell something was wrong from my face.
I nodded without thinking, before suddenly remembering that I used to have a sweet tooth, and I was a complete sucker for delicately-made desserts in coffee shops.
‘I’m still stuck with my impression of you twenty years ago.’ I could see her reminiscing the past in her eyes. ‘You were my kind, timid, stupid Big Sis.’
‘I was never kind. But because I was afraid of offending people, I pretended to be kind. Neither was I timid. At least I had the guts to leave. I wasn’t stupid. At least I was capable of leaving home sooner than you did.’ I picked up my fork and gave the cake another bite. It was vile.
‘No wonder you left.’ My sister let out a fake laugh, her face twisted with bitterness. ‘We thought we understood you, but we didn’t understand why you’d actually leave us behind… ’ She jabbed at the cake over and over again, until it turned to mush.
‘Actually, I too didn’t understand you all. At least I didn’t even think that you’d bait me into visiting Mum.’ I smiled bitterly while shaking my head. ‘I get why they didn’t understand so.’ I only cared about my sister all along. ‘But you! You understood my situation much better than them! Don’t think that I didn’t know how much you wanted to leave as well!’
‘You’ve finally admitted that you knew what I had been thinking that time!’ Having struck up a sore subject by me, she threw her fork onto the plate. The clear, loud, metallic clink of the fork banging onto the china plate mirrored my words ramming into her heart.
‘Why didn’t you bring me with you? I waited day and night, hoping that you might get in touch with me and bring me with you. When I finally knew that you wouldn’t do so, I started to convince myself otherwise. I said that you had an accident, or led on by bad company, or you hadn’t settled down yet… I didn’t know what to do!
I have so many questions!
I don’t understand what the hell you were thinking! I don’t understand what I am to you! I don’t understand why I had to make up excuses for you! I don’t understand why the person I trusted would abandon me! I wasn’t sure if I could support our family! Why was I the only one suffering when it was actually both our responsibility?’
‘Because you were the last straw to break me.’ Swimming through spiraling thoughts, I decided to make things short to shut her up.
For a moment, my sister couldn’t answer back. She stared at me, apparently observing me and hopefully to find a hint of regret. Meanwhile, she seemed to be waiting for an apology from me.
Too bad I didn’t plan on leaving any traces of myself in her life.
‘Forget it.’ My sister decided to hide her true feelings to smooth things over. ‘We won’t see each other anyways. No hard feelings.’ If there were really no hard feelings, then she wouldn’t have listed out those countless, painful memories of hers.
‘Yeah.’ Feeling relieved, I smiled and put down my fork and stopped forcing myself to finish the cake on my plate.
After our meal, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways from then on.
I glanced at my watch. It was ten something at night. There weren’t many people in the streets. Many Daddy-Long-Legs emerged from the amber glow of street lights shining on the pedestrians. The Daddy-Long-Legs in the classic story was a gentleman who had a perfect life, yet we were fragments of a whole. Here, there, and everywhere. We barely belonged to the same family.
Should I feel sorry for this? No.
Were there moments that I felt sorry? Yes.
Would I still feel sorry? No.
I strode towards the train station.
Slowly, slowly went my pace, as if it was twenty years long. I had made it through those long, drawn-out twenty years, taking one step at a time—during which I had stepped on the scars of my heart countless times. I thought that my soles would feel the void and imbalance of those scars. I thought that by lowering my head down, I would see the width and boundlessness of those scars. I thought that my scars would exist forever. Unbeknownst to me, time had already healed my scars.
I didn’t deliberately skimmed through bad memories just now. Rather, no matter how hard I tried to remember what had happened, the details were all just a blur to me. The thing I could recall the most was the words I had said all those years before.
‘I will remember these words for the rest of my life.’
Years of stress and discontent were condensed into eleven simple words, which marked my lowest point.
Words left my mouth. The tension in me lost its support, and I gradually relaxed. As the years went by, memories started to fade away, one by one, from those that didn’t matter in the slightest to the ones that mattered the most. I had already forgotten who was the one that said those words which made me remember them for the rest of my life, as well as their context and content… Instead, the present in my own hands and the future I was looking forward to had taken their place.
I stopped in my tracks and walked to a convenience store in another direction. I bought a can of cold beer.
Why did I still remember the hatred so distinctively?
I knew the answer.
It was like beer. Beer wasn’t a necessity, but I had gotten used to drinking beer when I was down.
That hatred didn’t have to exist, but I had gotten used to its presence. I had gotten used to using it to describe the life I was leading before I left home. Over time, that hatred had become synonymous with those days. There existed only hatred during those days. No hope. No emotions. No interests. Let alone joy.
I finished the beer in one big gulp. The empty can of beer landed right into the bin.
How cool would it be to throw away my practice of holding grudges against others into the bin!
Never mind. Give me twenty one days. I will drop my bad habit.
I promise. I won’t drink alcohol anymore. Neither will I hold grudges anymore.
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