Me vs. the Tooth Fairy
Alvin Atwater
I
Kids annoy me sometimes. They really do. Okay, so mythical creatures like Santa
Claus and the Easter bunny give people a reason to throw away money or make egg farmers rich. I think it’s stupid but I accept it. At least Santa Claus is cool but only on the receiving end of a parent’s wallet. We get it.
BUT… there is one creature that I cannot accept, no matter what. This may be a bit over-the-top but I have my reasons. This mythical has the stupidest job ever. The stupidest name ever. And she made a mistake when she made an enemy out of me…
The tooth fairy.
I studied her enough and deduced this: she breaks into peoples’ homes, raid their children’s rooms, and steals their teeth. I normally wouldn’t care but after what she’s done to me, I want to erase her. We don’t need a tooth fairy. It’s a seriously stupid idea.
I decided it was time to go on the offensive now on this Tuesday afternoon. I jotted down some notes from the internet, relating to the tooth fairy, noting suspected weaknesses and mythical creature destroying methods. I had seen her plenty of times, a young woman (looked to be in eighteen or so) with wings, sneaking into homes. Oh and get this, she’s blonde. Do I really need to say more?
After I gathered all of the collected notes –about fifty sticky papers – I sat them in a stack on the table.
“I hope this actually works,” I muttered. My younger sister just lost a tooth; so now was my chance.
“The tooth fairy’s coming tonight! She really is!” my eight-year-old sister, Kelly, chanted as she burst through the door, free of summer school for the day.
I smirked. “Yeah, yeah, just don’t get too excited. It’s not like she’s going to give you gold.”
“Don’t say mean things about her,” she said and then scurried off.
That night, after my parents and Kelly went off to sleep, I set up a clever net trap.
Oh, you may have guessed this wasn’t an ordinary net. It was equipped with a radiation detector, since the tooth fairy’s wings emitted small waves of nuclear. That aside, the device also recognized my sister, so she wouldn’t get caught in it. Who knew the internet sold such convenient devices?
At midnight, the window suddenly opened and a blonde woman with glowing wings crawled in. I grinned. Since when did a magical being use the window? Was she drunk –no…she was blonde. Right on cue, my net caught its prey.
“Ow!”
“Hello, you look well,” I said then smirked. Examining her close and in person, the tooth fairy, quite frankly, looked no older than me. Her good looks were wasted on her.
“Let me out of here…please?” she pleaded.
I stared at her for a few seconds and then said, “nah. Now be a good prisoner and prepare to be erased.” Now you’re probably wondering why I don’t just stab or poison her. I’ll make this clear to you. You can’t kill mythical creatures normally. You must “erase them” using specialized methods. They’re not human, after all. They may be even immortal nuisances.
I dragged the net with her in it, all the way to my room. Man it was a lot of work
–what did she eat anyway? What made it sad was that I was the weight lifting champion last year at Gail High.
II
“So what’s your name?” the tooth fairy asked. She was chained to a leg of my bed. Why was she asking such a question during her most doomed hour? Was she fearless? Where’s that hopeless look?
“Shut up,” I said softly, “you know the rules. Prisoners can’t talk.” She blinked at me twice with those stupid bright blue eyes and her wings fluttered. I assumed she didn’t scream because she didn’t want to be seen by others.
“I’m hungry,” she whined.
“Will you shut up?” I grabbed a bottle of Extreme Hand Sanitizer and bathed her hands. She probably touched millions of rotten teeth and the thought just bothered me.
“It’s one in the morning. I suggest you keep your mouth closed and avoid waking everyone up, for your sake.”
She stuck her tongue at me. “You still haven’t told me your name.”
I ignored the tooth fairy and pulled a book from my dresser called, Ways to Destroy the
Tooth Fairy. She didn’t even give a nervous look.
“Am I allowed to sleep?”
“What?”
“Well, I see you’re holding a book. Are you like going to give me homework and tests and stuff?”
I stared at her blankly. Is she playing with my mind? “Why are you still talking?”
She raised her hand as if we were in school.
“Yes? Wait –no, idiot, just stay quiet and remain still. Okay?”
She smiled. I frowned and then tuned back into my book. Every minute or so, I would look up and there she was, staring at me. Uncomfortable. A blonde half-brained tooth fairy, who steals children’s teeth for a living, staring at me, was not a pleasant feeling. This was equivalent to being face to face with a criminal. Or for you married readers: your angry wife glaring at you, waiting for a reply. After fifteen minutes, I couldn’t take the staring anymore.
“PLEASE STOP STARING!” I yelled. Suddenly, I heard the switch of my sister’s room light click on. Crap. I glared at the tooth fairy. “Stay quiet. If you do so –you’ll win the game.”
Her face brightened up. She wanted to scream, “yay.” I could tell that just by glaring at her. As expected, my sister knocked on my door.
“Kevin, are you okay in there? I heard screaming.”
III
“No, I’m fine,” I lied, “just a nightmare.”
“Can I come in? I want to tell you something.” Not. Good. I felt myself running around in circles. Finally, my eyes caught contact with the closet.
“Quick, get in there,” I whispered.
“Okay, but could you uhm…release the chains?”
My eyes fell to the chains on her legs. I quickly unlocked them and shoved the tooth fairy into the closet.
“Just stay quiet,” I reminded.
“How long do I have to –” I closed the door before she finished that sentence.
After hiding my tooth fairy destruction books, I opened the door for Kelly.
“What took you so long, Kevin?”
“It’s one in the morning, squirt. Give me one good reason why I should move faster than a turtle.”
Kelly laughed.
“So what’s bothering you, pipsqueak,” I said.
She frowned. “Well…the tooth fairy hadn’t shown up yet.” I nearly choked. “Do you think something has happened to her?”
There was a small sneeze. I froze.
“What was that?” A surprised look overtook Kelly’s face.
“Nothing,” I quickly said, while trying not to curse the tooth fairy under my breath. “Nothing at all. Look, the tooth fairy will come, but when you’re awake –she takes longer.”
Kelly gasped, notifying me that the fish had taken the bait. “Hurry.” I guided Kelly to her room. “She’s waiting.”
When I finally put her to sleep, I slugged back into my room, ready to focus on the matter at hand: destroying the tooth fairy so I can go to bed.
The tooth fairy was on my bed, fast asleep. I balled my hands into fists in order to prevent myself from exploding with more anger than I had already. I shook her as hard as I could, but she didn’t awake. Furious, I darted into the kitchen, filled a glass with water, ran back into my room and splashed it on her face. She still didn’t awake. Was she dead? Urgh, in my bed –I could never sleep there again. However, if that was the case, I wouldn’t hear her annoying snoring. Why the hell’s a tooth fairy snoring!?
“Wake up!” I snarled. Surprisingly, she did. What. Just. Happened?
“So, your name is Kevin?” she said softly. Just then, a puzzling thought smashed into my head.
“Why didn’t… you escape? Are you that stupid or something –that window was your one chance of freedom?”
She blushed. “You see…anyone that goes through this much of trouble must really like me.”
I almost fell. She couldn’t be seriously.
“Are you okay?” she said. “You look kind of pale.”
“Let’s get this straight. You are a prisoner not a guest, not a friend, not a lover –just a prisoner. A prisoner on death row in fact.” Still no shriek or look of terror; she blushed instead. Either she didn’t care or was more powerful than she lead on. I hoped it wasn’t the latter.
IV
“I need to wrap this up soon,” I said as I retrieved the book of Tooth Fairy Destruction. After a few minutes of reading, I closed it.
“I’m so hungry,” groaned the tooth fairy.
“Yeah me too,” I laughed, “but you won’t need food in Hell.” I opened my dresser and dug toward the depths until I finally had a good grasp on a crystal object: a green diamond, the size of an orange, known as an emerite. According to the book, one touch from this gemstone should turn the tooth fairy into pixy dust. Her eyes widened upon sight of it. YES –she had to be scared (which meant I totally didn’t waste my money buying this off the internet) –so I grinned.
“Oooh, pretty,” she awed, rearranging my previous thoughts. “Is it a gift? I love presents!”
I snickered. “Oh, it’s a gift alright, but before I eliminate you, do you have any last words?”
“Words? Are you proposing to me with it?”
I face palmed. “No you idiot, this stone will ---” I sneezed. The tooth fairy smirked.
Okay, at this point, I was WAY beyond frustrated. I was on the verge of just eliminating myself.
“Will you please, please, PLEASE…shut up,” I managed to prevent myself from yelling.
“Oh I’m sorry –I just never had someone propose to me so suddenly. My answer is –”
“I am not pr –”
“Yes.”
Grenade. I needed a grenade: One with an explosion that would blow my body to pieces so no one could find them.
“This is not a proposal,” I growled. “Here –hurry and take the jewel.”
Nothing. Happened. When. She. Held. The. Jewel. Am I missing something? I opened the book.
“Okay do this method is a failure,” I said softly, “but I’m not done yet.”
For hours, I followed a series of steps from the book. All of them failed. Salt, Salt milk, silver bullet, silver bullet drink (don’t ask), incantations, water, pudding (once again, don’t ask), sand, witch powder (do you really want to know?), pure water –absolutely nothing worked. Then I realized something. This emerite –it had to be fake somehow. Either that or the tooth fairy was just invincible.
V
3AM. I threw the book at the wall and stared at my enemy. She stroked the emerite, admiring its physical appearance. I hated the stupid thing –it was incredibly useless.
“I give up,” I said. “This is so impossible. You’re free to go.” She didn’t move. I opened the window and sighed. “I’m sorry I kept you. Now hurry –get out of here.” She still didn’t move. “Are you deaf or what –finish making your rounds for tonight and go home. I’m done with this mythical destruction crap. Immortals can’t be touched.”
“I won’t leave.” The horror. Okay, I failed to destroy her, but now, she won’t leave. This had to be a nightmare. My archenemy –yes I declared that –refusing to go away? Has this world come to an end?
“What did you just say? I’m sorry; I didn’t hear you quite well?”
“I won’t leave,” the tooth fairy repeated, “We’re engaged. There’s no way I’m leaving you.” Her blue eyes were slightly brighter than before. You’ve got to be kidding me. Kid stories were spot on: mythical creatures are really naive and child-like. I hate my life.
This situation was now a catastrophe. My original researched plan backfired, terribly. What if I turned out to be like one of those whackos who make multiple appearances on daytime talk shows? I gasped.
“I’m going to tell you one more time,” I said with a raised voice, while at the same time straining not to lose control. “You are free to go back to your tooth collecting life and putting smiles on kids’ faces over small change and touching rotten tee –argh.
Just get out of here!”
She folded her arms, frowned, and said, “No. I want to be here with you.”
I gave her a “you’ve got to be kidding me” look and then said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I can make you breakfast tomorrow –and … I’m still hungry.”
“Urgh,” I whispered, thinking about the millions of teeth she touched as the tooth fairy. Then I asserted my voice. “Listen, if you don’t buzz off, I’m calling the cops. Now scram!” I glared at her for a minute.
“Your eyes are pretty,” she said, completely ignoring my threat, attempting to change the subject.. This was it –I had finally reached my limit. In fact, I didn’t know whether to be angry anymore. In the case that none of you, who are reading my words get it, the tooth fairy is a threat to humanity. Her stupidity was that of a turtle and the back of my slippers. Her hands –uck
–never touch them! And worst of all, DO NOT attempt to destroy the tooth fairy. You will fail. She doesn’t have the intelligence to figure out the meaning to the word “destroy.” I do not know what to think anymore.
VI
“So, you’re just going to let every child in the world down?” In case you’re lost here, the time was 4AM, and I diverted to using my final and ultimate method of getting rid of her: The Guilt Routine. She narrowed her eyes and looked down. I had her exactly where
I wanted. Eating at her mind became top priority. “You know, I have a younger sister –she’s about eight – and she looks up to you. You’ve heard her voice earlier. Are you going to let someone so innocent down? How about the other children? Your job was to put a smile –God knows how – on their faces. Are you going to be selfish and stay here?”
Tears streamed from her eyes. Nailed it! Now just a little more –before I start an accidental celebration dance. “You know, I dislike dishonest, selfish people who’d rather hang around a stranger’s home rather than fulfilling their duties. I really, really, hate that.” She gasped.
“Fine,” she finally said. I bit my lip, hoping that I really had won. She edged closer to me. “I’ll help everyone, but only because you insisted. I will come back after I finish tonight’s work. And don’t call yourself a stranger. We’re no longer strangers.” Her wings fluttered as she walked to the open window. Within seconds, she jumped out and there was no telling where she went.
I didn’t waste any time sitting around. If I wanted true victory, then I had to keep her out. So I did like any guy would do: set anti-tooth fairy traps all over the place. After that, I sprayed the entire yard with tooth fairy repellent. (I love the products from the majestic world known as the internet.)
By the time I finished, it was 5AM. I rushed back into my house, tiptoed into
Kelly’s room and checked under her pillows. A shiny quarter rested in the spot where her tooth once resided. I tiptoed out of her room and into mine. First thing: sheet washing.
Her hands were all over my sheets and despite the fact that I sanitized them with the most powerful stuff around, the old saying “better safe than sorry” still applied. After thirty minutes in both the washer and the dryer, I finally was able to go to bed.
The streak light of the 11AM’s sunrays snuck through my window and awoke me.
What I hoped to be an amazing start for the morning turned out to be the exact opposite.
The tooth fairy was asleep in my bed with her hand on my face. The apocalypse. I rushed into the bathroom, grabbed the nearest bar of soap, and probably washed my face about five times before reappearing. How did she get in here? There were hundreds of traps and repellent all over the place. I couldn’t win.
Her eyes slowly opened. “Hi honey –you should lie back down and get some rest.”
Okay, so this is a terrible ending, but that’s how I first encountered the tooth fairy.
You know, the reason I disliked her so much –other than the reasons I’ve stated already – is because… Don’t laugh, but I once lost a tooth when I was a child and in place of the quarter was an “I owe you.”
Really now. Since then, I tripled my knowledge about this pathetic creature and plotted revenge. I could care less about the quarter, but no one humiliates me like that and get away with it. Unfortunately, I’m stuck with her now. I guess you could call this karma… So because of this, I’m going to write another story and tell you guys how I got rid of the tooth fairy (if I ever do) or maybe… I’ll end up telling you how life is LIVING with such a dunce. Maybe one of you could help me…. Please. I may be “over-the-top,” but at least I’m honest.
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